Parents Hate Him

[confusedgirlie]

Let me give you some background info.

I'm 25. I live at home (substitute teacher, cannot afford to move out, oh how I wish I could).

I broke up with my long-term boyfriend (almost 7 years) about 3 weeks ago.

My parents LOVED my ex.

Met a new guy about 2.5 weeks ago, let's call him D. He is great but things have been moving quickly.

My parents have only met D when he's walking through the house to see me in my room.

 

D is an awesome guy. He comes over a lot and we watch movies, make out, etc. He has slept over a few times when my parents were at the cottage. My mom found this out. She pretty much flipped out today on me saying it isn't right. Saying I shouldn't break up with someone after being with them for so long and quickly jump into something else. She says she does not want him to stay over EVER and that if he is visiting doors must be open.

 

Basically REALLY bad first impressions of D. I'm not really sure what to tell him. I would like to continue to see him, but it will be awkward now. We really have no where else to go (he lives with his friend and his friend's parents).

 

I have a feeling my parents are thinking I'm being sl*tty, and that they don't approve of D because I jumped into this new relationship so quickly after breaking up with a guy they really liked. What should I do to convince them that he is a good guy? What should I say to D about what my mom said to me today? Any advice is welcome...

[ToesNtheWater]

I understand where you're coming from. I'm 21 and I live at home. I'm just about to graduate from college and I'm really ready to get out of here. You should probably have the "I'm an adult" conversation with your parents. Then try to find a more private location in your house or his house that you could stay. Is the basement bedroom an option? Or maybe even try camping together. If the relationship gets serious, you guys might try to find an affordable place together.

[Sunflour]

This is a brand new relationship. Who knows if it'll even get serious enough that it even *matters* what your parents think? Maybe he's the new Mr. Right or maybe he's just Rebound Guy--it's really too soon to say, right? So relax, enjoy hanging out with your new guy, and give it time. Let your mom cool off and later on, if it looks like you might have something real with the new boyfriend, re-introduce him in some low-pressure way, like having him over for a backyard BBQ or something.

 

She is within her rights to set the house rules about overnight guests, but you are within your rights to set boundaries on any discussion of your sex life or relationship decisions. As for D, don't put him in the middle of your argument with your mom! Just tell him that your parents have a house rule about overnight guests and leave it at that. Anything more is going to add complications to what ought to be just fun & casual dating at this early stage.

 

Enjoy yourself and let yourself heal.

[confusedgirlie]

Thanks for replying so quickly! It is hard living at home, but really I don't have any other options at this point.

 

My parents will not take the "I'm an adult" conversation well. They will say that it is there house and they make the rules and that I am being disrespectful by closing doors, moving on so quickly etc.

 

Camping would be a good option. I will bring that up with D.

 

I just don't want my parents to have a really bad impression of D and judge him before they really know who he is. He's really nice and makes me happy. I also don't want them to judge me.

[confusedgirlie]

Sunflour, you are right. I don't know if this is going to turn into a serious relationship or if it's just a rebound. I grew up with D (went to school together for 12 years, starting in kindergarten). He has been a lot of fun to hang out with lately! I do like him.

 

I like your advice about mentioning to D that my parents have certain house rules. It will be hard to follow them since we have broken them a few times already, but it will be interesting to see what he says back. Will show me some of his true colours if he accepts them or wants to disagree with them. Of course I would like to continue breaking the house rules, but I respect my parents and I need to live here and do not want to compromise that.

[lostnscared]

I honestly feel that your parents have legitimate concerns. You just got out of 7 year relationship and less than a month later you're with a new guy who's sleeping over... As a parent I would be concerned for two reasons: 1) You were with your ex for so long and you need time to recoup, have time to yourself, and heal.. Dating so quickly won't allow you to do it.

2)You've been dating this guy for three weeks, and already he violated some house rules, slept over, etc. That isn't appropriate and wouldn't be appropriate in my home even if I had a grown child.

 

Their house, their rules.

 

Believe me I feel your pain, I do. I had live to with overbearing overcontrolling parents most of my life. I rebelled, sneaked, lied, etc. I felt as if they were too invasive in my personal life and so on. And then I moved out. I'm 23 BTW.

 

I'd say if you absolutely can't stand these rules and feel as if their an invasion on your privacy then you may want to try to find a more stable income, or save each and every paycheck you get so that you can move out as soon as possible.

 

I think that your parents may be biased because they liked your ex, but on the same hand I think their concerns about you moving on as fast are VERY valid. And I think that you don't have to agree with them, or even listen, BUT I think it would be very beneficial for you, D and you parents that you at least try to understand where they are coming from, and come to some type of middle ground until you can move out.

 

Good luck.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm 25.

 

Tell your mom this. She seems to have forgotten.

[confusedgirlie]

lostnscared, thanks for your comments. I understand where you are coming from and I guess I have been disrespectful to my parents. They are playing the role of parents and playing it well. D did not know of the house rules before. He wants to make a good impression on my parents. I hope that it is not too late for this.

 

cognitive canine, lol she knows this already and doesn't care. She is very traditional. Her house, her rules is her saying. I can respect that, I don't like it, but I can understand where she is coming from. Hopefully D can as well.

[abitbroken]

I agree that you have violated the house rules and have broken your parents trust.

 

Also, take into account that they may be concerned for you. If you had a longtime boyfriend and 3 weeks later you are already have been seeing another guy and are to the point of sleepovers - that's a little quick, especially if you really loved your ex. Unless you didn't type all the timeframes in right. If you were one day with your ex and immediately fast track it with "d" a half a week later, they may think that you are hurting and not knowing what you are doing.

 

If you want to stick with "joe", then slow down. Let him respectably date you and court you - take you out to a movie, meet you somewhere, get to know you. And then you can look at him with your blinders off.

 

Sorry, but I am siding with mom and dad here. Also, they probably never had to tell you about the rule because they assumed you would figure that one out. Even though I am divorced and have lived outside my parents house, now that I am back, I don't think that would be acceptable for me to do either - not to mention embarrassing if they walked in on me. If you want to have overnight guests, then move out. You can afford to live with a roommate or a room for rent even if you are a substitute teacher. If it is very important to, wait tables on weekends or take on a weekend job where its extra money when you are in high demand and its safety net for times when work is scarce. Or you have a rendezvous at a hotel or HIS place. Or follow by your parents house rules. They don't have to change and i do not think they are overly traditional for deciding what goes in their home and what doesn't.

[abitbroken]

by the way, if you want them to like D - don't have him walk through to come see you in your room. It is not an apartment building or a group home for college students where he has to pass through common areas to get to your unit. You are not 12 years old where friends come to play or study in your room.

 

When he comes over, he says hello to your mother and father and asks them how they are or makes it a point to say the cooking smells nice or that its a cool boat dad has parked outside (small talk), then he visits with you in the living room and then either takes you out on a date, or goes to hang out with you in the basement where the pool table or video games are, the yard, or whatever., or the tv room. But nowhere with the door closed while they are home.

[confusedgirlie]

abitbroken, thanks for your comments. You are right. D and I really need to date more before becoming serious. If I want it to last it's important not to jump into things. I know that my parents are only saying these things because they are concerned for me. I know they want the best for me.

 

I really can't afford to move out at this point with the cost of my car and having JUST paid off all my student debts last week. I do like living at home as it will now give me a chance to save to be able to move out.

 

I agree that we need to work on chatting with my family, he will say hi but that's about it. D is interested in them, asks me about them all the time. I know he wants to get to know them, hopefully my parents feel the same about him. We will see if it will work out, I will make an effort to meet him and then have a conversation with my parents before going out. It really isn't as complicated as it first seems!

[confusedgirlie]

abitbroken, thanks for your comments. You are right. D and I really need to date more before becoming serious. If I want it to last it's important not to jump into things. I know that my parents are only saying these things because they are concerned for me. I know they want the best for me.

 

I really can't afford to move out at this point with the cost of my car and having JUST paid off all my student debts last week. I do like living at home as it will now give me a chance to save to be able to move out.

 

I agree that we need to work on chatting with my family, he will say hi but that's about it. D is interested in them, asks me about them all the time. I know he wants to get to know them, hopefully my parents feel the same about him. We will see if it will work out, I will make an effort to meet him and then have a conversation with my parents before going out. It really isn't as complicated as it first seems!