Advice would be welcome *sigh*

[sadeyesppr]

Hey gang. So things have been pretty mellow with me lately. For those who don't remember my previous posts, here's a recap: He broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. I went NC for 2 weeks, we talked and he said he really wanted to be with me but it was complicated, he was seeing someone new. We didn't talk again until a bit afterwards where he told me how much he wanted to get back with me but he couldn't, etc etc. I asked if him and that girl were gonna work out and he said no b/c she was moving and they were just casually dating and it was nothing serious at all. He called me about a week ago apologizing like crazy, asking for my forgiveness, telling me how he couldnt deal with the guilt, how he wished he hadnt broken up with me, etc etc. Apparently things wtih him and the other girl are okay though. And then today he calls me to tell me that my best friend's girlfriend [my best friend is his enemy, they loathe each other] texted him asking how he was, and he said he's positive that she knows everythign that went down between me and him [there were many complexities in our relationship that no one really knows about]. And he apologized some more and we hung up.

 

He keeps apologizing, reaching out once a week or so it seems [in the past 3 weeks, he's been the one to call me, always once a week], telling me that he miss me being there, asking if I'm dating anyone ["Not that I care or anything" he says], apologizing like crazy, etc etc.

 

He said one day that he needed time and with time we could probably get back together. And then the other day he goes "I dont miss you like that, but I do miss you" whatever that means.

 

So what the heck is going on here! Is he reaching out, testing the waters and whatnot? I have no idea whats going on. Any ideas?

 

Thanks a ton guys, this website really keeps my chin up.

 

And before anyone asks, I've been NIC and when we do talk I'm usually polite and nice to him, there is no use for animosity since it starts up drama. I don't make any attempts to contact him at all, after I got all my important things back from him I've been MIA until he reaches out.

[completebroken]

It seems like you aren't in a place where you know for sure you want to get back because you aren't sure about his motives. I think more time is needed to figure out both sides. He may be reacting to her leaving or he may actually realize he wants you back.

 

I say take more time to figure out which, and more importantly what you want to happen and what you will put up with.

 

Good luck!

[sadeyesppr]

You're exactly right about how I feel. I know i love him and I know I want him back, but because of how he's acting and the situation, I don't know if it's the best thing for me and this time around, I want to do what is best for me no matter how hard it might be.

 

I'm taking all the time I need, however I would love for him to stop being so damn confusing! Why on earth did he need to CALL and have a ten minute conversation with me about my best friend's gf texting him and knowing the circumstances. Of course she knows, she's dating my best friend. Hello!! *frustration!!*

[Ebrithil]

Hes using little things like that as an excuse to contact you to talk to you, the diffrence between you and his relationship now is that this new relationship isnt going anywhere and so he wants somone to make him feel important or cared about.

 

His calls are also keeping you on a rope, hes showing an intrest in you saying he misses you wants to be with you so that when this relationship does end he has you waiting for him.

His overall stratergy is that to have you when the relationship he is in ends, but you have to ask yourself, if he wants to be with you why is he with her? is he cheating on her by being with her and telling you he cares about you as more than just friends? and do you really want to be back with him?

[lavenderdove]

OK, my opinion is that he is having a grand old time doing it like bunnies with the new girl, but he knows she'll eventually move away so he's keeping you on tap so he doesn't have a dry spell after she leaves.

 

Otherwise, if he misses you so much, and they are just 'casual', why is he with her at all rather than getting back with you right now?

 

I would seriously NOT take him back as soon as she leaves, because basically he's had his fun fling with someone else and comes crawling back to you when there's a bit of dry spell, and nothing stopping him from leaving again when he finds the next new local girl to run off with.

 

I'd really cut him off, and tell him you'll only see him if he agrees to be your boyfriend again and not see anyone else. And if he only calls AFTER she leaves, i'd be very suspicious of his motivation, and afraid that he is only using you as his backup plan until he finds some new girl again.

[Cadence44]

He's giving you mixed messages, so that tells me that he wants you to be his back up plan in case things don't work with the new girl. The timing makes it sound like he broke up with you to pursue her. He's telling you about how things with her aren't serious, you and he might get back together, etc, but his actions clearly don't match up with his words. He's telling you that stuff so you'll still be available to him, but his actions say he's investing in the new girl.

 

In this instance, I don't think NIC is a good thing for you. Even though you aren't contacting him, he's contacting you regularly. When he does that, he's getting his fix. He still has an attachment to you, and you're indulging that. It actually suits his back-up plan intentions quite well. You are proving to him that you are still there if he wants you so I'm not sure what you're accomplishing with NIC.

 

Your statement about "animosity" is a bit odd. I get the feeling you are equating NC with animosity. That's not accurate at all. NC can be a really loving thing. If you picture saying "you made your choice and I'm respecting your decision. I can't be close to you if you don't want to be with me exclusively, because it's only hurting me and I have to look after myself. Good luck", does that seem full of venom and animosity? No, because it's simply stating that you know what you want and since it doesn't match with what he wants, you are placing your need to heal above any need of his. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

I think you should lovingly go NC in order for you to move on from him. I don't think he's being straight with you, and you should start placing more importance on his actions than on his words.

[sadeyesppr]

Yeah I have a feeling you guys are right. I mean I wish I could say that my ex is a normal human being who thinks like a normal human being, but he's on a different wave length than everyone, so there are times [such as these] where I don't know if I should treat it like a normal person thing or like a him-thing.

 

He sees things differently, he reacts to things differently and he's really quiet about his true feelings, so yeah. I dont know.

 

But my gut tells me you guys are right with this.

 

And about the animosity thing, I meant that I wasn't going to be cold and rude when I do talk to him. That if I do answer the phone, I dont see a point in being mean.

[lavenderdove]

Be careful not to rationalize backwards from what you want... i.e., if he's behaving in a way that shows he's still dating someone else and not intending on being your boyfriend, you tell yourself 'he is different, so maybe it means something different than what it appears to be.' (i.e., you want him back so badly, that you will interpret all his behavior as a 'sign' he wants to come back).

 

People do what they want to do, and he wants to be with other girl for now rather than with you. And he wants you in the background of his life in case he needs you, but not in the foreground of his life where this woman is now.

 

No one thinks you need to act rude to him, but you need to clearly recognize that he has marginalized you in his life and this woman has has his life and attention now. Being a loving ex in the background waiting for him gives him no incentive to stop seeing this girl, so frankly it is not in your best interest to be so available to him. He needs to know that by making the choice to be with other women, he gives up the right to be with you.

[shakebake]

Gotta keep it real with you: You're his back up right now. He may honestly want o be with you someday, but he also still wants to have fun. As longas you keep answering him, show him he still "has you", he'll continue to do his thing with teh other girl and not take you and him being together seriously. In fact, I'd bet once she leaves, he'll only mess with you until someone else comes along and sparks his interest. Then you'll be in this situation all over gain. Try just not talking him for awhile. Show him you don't need him. This allows too things: for you to stop hurting & possibly move one and for him to realize whathe wants and make a decision based on knowing he'll lose you if he doesnot step up.

[MalibuOne]

People do what they want to do, and he wants to be with other girl for now rather than with you. And he wants you in the background of his life in case he needs you, but not in the foreground of his life where this woman is now.

 

No one thinks you need to act rude to him, but you need to clearly recognize that he has marginalized you in his life and this woman has has his life and attention now. Being a loving ex in the background waiting for him gives him no incentive to stop seeing this girl, so frankly it is not in your best interest to be so available to him. He needs to know that by making the choice to be with other women, he gives up the right to be with you.

 

 

Well said, LavenderDove. One other comment I would add is that you might want to think about what your actions are telling him and how you appear to him when you show him you're willing to accept the little throwaway scraps he sends your way. He knows you care about him and want him back. It's like an ace in the hole for him. Allowing him to place you in the fall back position doesn't help him see you as a person of value. Someone to be respected, cherished, treasured. Instead, it's possible he could see you as someone who doesn't have strong sense of pride and self-respect. And if you don't hold yourself in high regard, why should he? I'm not saying he DOES feel this way, but it's certainly possible.

 

I agree that NC can be done lovingly. With dignity. Recapture your dignity and wrap yourself in it. Because someday you'll look back on this and want to say that you conducted yourself well...with grace. Engaging in loving NC is just the thing to put you on a path that allows you to maintain your self respect while you heal.

 

Best of luck.