When others behave wrong, why mind your own business?

[Keraron]

I am loosing my mind over this problem. I feel like it's me against the world.

(have discussed about this extensively with my friends and nobody - NOBODY - agrees with me, and I simply can't see the logic of it.... I feel that my opinion on this will make me loose many friends)

 

Suppose you know a man and a woman.

You know that this man is a thief.

You know he stole from the woman.

You tell the thief that it's wrong to steal. Yet he doesn't stop.

Is it right or not to tell the woman?

 

Now, suppose that what he "stole" was her trust.

She gave her trust and he cheated on her and is willing to keep doing so.

 

My cousin (typical "player") has a girlfriend since 1 year and a half. He boasts about cheating on her all the time, and yet about being able to manipulate her to stay faithful to him. He boasts about going on holidays and having one different woman a day, and still she is faithful to him.

He even forces her not to make friends with specific people who might know about his affairs.

Isn't it unfair that she doesn't know?

 

This is just ONE example of many in which I personally feel that according to my values and principles, I must stop such people from being rewarded for what they do, for getting away with the bad things they do simply because the other person doesn't know it.

 

Most people say not to interfere because it's their business, it's their partnership etc. But somehow I find it unfair that the suffering person doesn't even KNOW what is happening to her.

 

I've been accused as thinking myself as a moral superhero and many other things. All I want to see is transparency, honesty and fairness in the world.

 

It's unfair that people get away with the bad things they do.

What's wrong about hampering their dishonest behavior?

[turnera]

I would ALWAYS tell someone when someone else is doing that. If you won't do it for them, they won't do it for you.

 

PLEASE tell her.

[15 Storeys High]

Is your motivation purely due to your concern about this woman? Or is it driven by your own feelings? I think that's the thing a person needs to consider before deciding whether to "interfere" or not.

[Keraron]

Is your motivation purely due to your concern about this woman? Or is it driven by your own feelings? I think that's the thing a person needs to consider before deciding whether to "interfere" or not.

 

In general - the motivation is due to the feeling of unfairness about such situations in society.

 

"Why do cheaters have the upper hand?"

 

"Must they have it? No!"

[Nerdyjock]

*My entire post is pretty invalid if you are very close with the girl in this situation - I couldn't tell by the information you gave*

 

Hey there,

 

trust me, I am this way in many ways. It really depends on how close you and the "victim" are. There is NO DENYING that he is wrong and she is being suckered bad.

 

1.) How close are you and the girl? This should be one key thing in determining whether to tell.

 

If you don't know her well, you are probably filling in a lot of gaps in their relationship to complete your storybook ending. The wrong is there period, sure, but what if she is suicidal and you telling her tips her over the edge? How would your conscious handle that?

 

We can't hold ourselves responsible for others' safety and well-being without enough information. With more information, you could assess the consequences more accurately and therefore choose to tell her. Try to keep in mind that, as you said, you told the "thief" that he is in the wrong. Assuming you don't know her THAT well, you were a superhero by saying something to him.

 

Let me play out a scenario for you... you tell her, she breaks up with him, he gets mad at you. If he is going to get mad at you either way, why not give him an ultimatum: "You tell her or I will"? I think if you do that, then you'd be WAY more justified in telling her.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I wouldn't tell the woman but instead tell the cousin that he needs to tell her.

 

I'd probably mind my own business though. She most likely does know but has such low self esteem that she puts up with it.

[-Sanguine-]

If you are a friend of hers or close to her at all, I think you should tell her.

But if not and you're just kind of acquaintances, it's probably best to stay out of it.

 

Remember, if you do tell her, she is likely to not believe you. Well, I've seen it happen anyway. In fact, my friend was being cheated on by her boyfriend and the girl he was cheating with told my friend and she accused the girl of making it up!

[shes2smart]

How do you know she doesn't know or at least suspect?

 

Often times the person with a cheating partner has some inkling of what's going on, but they are unwilling or unable to deal with the truth, so they stay in denial. Upset that denial, and the most likely outcome is they'll side with the cheater and cut you off cold.

 

Alternately, some women believe things like "all men cheat." And while they may not particularly like what he's doing, they accept it because they don't believe it can be any other way. One of my oldest and dearest friends....someone I've known since junior high....believes this. Consequently, she's been cheated on in nearly all her relationships, and she knows what's going on....she just chooses to accept it because she believes "that's just how men are." We have had some rather...heated...discussions about this over the years, but in the end, I have to respect her right to believe what she wishes to believe for herself. Her truth is her hers to choose, not mine.

 

People always say they'd want to know if they were the one in that situation, but the handful of times I've seen people be told something like this, their actions say they either already knew/suspected or they didn't want to know at all.

[Nerdyjock]

She2smart, shhh and make me some biscuits

 

(inside joke to her avatar - I'm not actually being mean to her guys

 

Sorry for being off topic.

[shes2smart]

She2smart, shhh and make me some biscuits

 

(inside joke to her avatar - I'm not actually being mean to her guys

 

Sorry for being off topic.

 

lol. I would but I'm a boomkin/tree.

[waveseer]

Record him bragging about his exploits. Use this recording to let him know that either he comes clean with her or you play it for her. Give him 24 hours. If he weren't flaunting his exploits then I might consider minding your own business, but he seems set on making her look like a fool to everyone he can and that puts the issue in the social domain.

[pinkelephant]

I would first tell him to tell her. Then I would drop hints whenever she's around.

[Keraron]

Regarding my cousin: oh yes, I've told him many times. I mean we are like brothers, we know everything about each other. He even knows that I'm on this forum (though not this post probably, as he's on vacation).

 

But my question was more general:

Why accept an unfair world when we can make it fair through our actions? (even though this means "interfering")

[Cognitive_Canine]

If you're that close with your cousin, I think you should talk to him about it.

 

But be aware that you talking to him about it might ruin your friendship.

 

We can't always act because we don't know the full story. People rarely are just "bad" people. And, I don't believe in a person being evil. It's circumstance or some sort of inner demon (mental illness, abandonment issues, past traumas) that cause them to make bad choices. We could really do something horrible in the process of trying to do something righteous.

[Nerdyjock]

Why accept an unfair world when we can make it fair through our actions? (even though this means "interfering")

 

 

Because your way of achieving fairness is just that - your way. A lot of us gave long-winded responses so it's easy to miss the parts that answered this question:

 

1) Some said she could be aware of his behavior and prefer not addressing it, and you telling her could disrupt her balance

2) You have no idea how she will take it and what will become a result of that

3) Think of it like physics, even if you achieve in breaking them up why is it necessarily just? Doing this "good" would also create bad - devestation on her part, anger on his part (and definitely a potential threat for your safety).

4) You don't seem to be close enough to the girl for it to be your place. Did you know one of the worste situations for a cop is domestic abuse cases? Usually the neighbor calls, and neither person in teh dispute WANTS the cop there.

5) You can achieve your version of justice while minimizing consequences - give him an ultimatum. He tell her or you tell her. At least then you know other options were exhausted. It seems like you are focused on the big picture and not thinking of all the small mechanics that go into humans as individuals and as a relationship.

[Keraron]

1) Some said she could be aware of his behavior and prefer not addressing it, and you telling her could disrupt her balance

If this was the case, wouldn't it still be better for her to know all possible options and then chose for herself what is best for her?

(No information = no options; even the fact that I know it is an information. I know it. Others know it. Everyone knows.)

 

2) You have no idea how she will take it and what will become a result of that

No, but the consequences will be a result of a more informed choice.

 

3) Think of it like physics, even if you achieve in breaking them up why is it necessarily just? Doing this "good" would also create bad - devestation on her part, anger on his part (and definitely a potential threat for your safety).

This may be a question of subjective values (Fake happiness in a fake relationship? No thanks!), but also apart from that, whatever they will do is a result of knowing what is genuinely going on:

The moment he shows his anger, he shows his true nature.

The moment she knows devastation, she knows that the relationship has been fake, and can take action to change things.

In my cousin's example, I'm not necessarily aiming at their break-up, but even at a shift in the relationship roles.

In either case, again, the resulting decisions and actions will be more genuine than those taken while not-knowing.

 

4) You don't seem to be close enough to the girl for it to be your place. Did you know one of the worste situations for a cop is domestic abuse cases? Usually the neighbor calls, and neither person in teh dispute WANTS the cop there. [...] It seems like you are focused on the big picture and not thinking of all the small mechanics that go into humans as individuals and as a relationship.

I would do it to any girl, whether I know her or not. That's why I'm talking about this kind of situations in general.

 

My long-term vision of fairness is one in which people behaving like my cousin are NOT rewarded for what they do, and people behaving honestly ARE rewarded.

 

In which men are incentivated to be good towards their partners, and women aren't constantly attracted to bad guys.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Bad men will be bad men no matter what.

 

A person who does not steal because of a security camera is no better than a person who steals. They just have more self preservation.

[StrawberryYogurt]

I love your way of thinking, OP. This is why the world sometimes sucks, people are always minding their own business instead of doing what is right. Like if I saw someone picking on a disabled person, I'd tell them to stop. People mind their own business out of moral cowardice.

 

In this situation, you have given your cousin chances to confess, but he hasn't so I would no doubt tell his G/F. And I would never consider a person like that a brother to me either.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I love your way of thinking, OP. This is why the world sometimes sucks, people are always minding their own business instead of doing what is right. Like if I saw someone picking on a disabled person, I'd tell them to stop. People mind their own business out of moral cowardice.

 

In this situation, you have given your cousin chances to confess, but he hasn't so I would no doubt tell his G/F. And I would never consider a person like that a brother to me either.

 

This is different as it is an extremely black and white example.

 

However, the OP is talking about interfering/acting on a relationship, which is a far more complex situation.

[shes2smart]

(No information = no options; even the fact that I know it is an information. I know it. Others know it. Everyone knows.)

 

If "everyone knows" why do you assume she is stupid and clueless?

 

Long before I had any solid proof, I was aware that my ex was up to something and that something involved other women on his frequent business trips.

 

But the hard, cold fact of the matter at that time was that I did NOT want to know. I wasn't ready to deal with the consequences of admitting to myself what I already knew. When I was ready to deal with it, I confronted it, but not one second before I decided I was ready. I got there in my own time as people generally do. This is all documented in my journal, and that process took the better part of a year. If I look back at what I wrote, there are things I wrote during that almost-year before I dumped him that indicate that I knew damn well something was up, but didn't want to deal with it right then. Might not've been on someone else's time table, but it didn't need to be.

 

Any well-meaning person who came along and tried to "help" by giving me the truth was likely to get (metaphorically) smacked upside the head and told to butt out and leave me the hell alone.

 

You cannot force people to see things they don't want to see. It is not your place to decide what other people need to deal with and when they need to deal with it.

[StrawberryYogurt]

This is different as it is an extremely black and white example.

 

However, the OP is talking about interfering/acting on a relationship, which is a far more complex situation.

 

No, it's actually a far simpler situation since he knows his cousin very well, he does not need to worry about getting into a physical fight with his cousin. Also, habitually cheating is way worse than making fun of a disabled person one time.

 

OP, people like your cousin need a verbal beatdown and be taught a lesson that they can't get away with malice. Far better for it to come from someone close to him too!

[Cognitive_Canine]

He's already told his cousin what's what.

 

If he approaches the girl (whom he's not close with), there could be major consequences. If his cousin is selfish enough to cheat and brag, he's selfish enough to deface the OP's character.

 

Telling the girl will probably do nothing at all but destroy his relationship with his cousin.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Telling the girl will probably do nothing at all but destroy his relationship with his cousin.

 

It's up to OP, but I wouldn't want a close relationship with a cousin like that so it wouldn't bother me one bit.

[Keraron]

Exactly.

 

"Bros before..." is only for the Mafia.