He's still trying to hurt me and now I don't know what to do- desperatly need advise!!

[BellaStranger]

I'll try and keep this brief...

 

Ex and I broke up in Feb and I moved out of the flat we shared and spent the next 3+ months in total despair and misery.

 

In May I ask him to hand in his notice because I want to take my name off the tenancy. I don't trust him not to get into rent arrears and in trouble with the landlord (parties etc) and I dont want this going against me in future. After lots of nastiness he agrees.

 

We go NC and I start to put this behind me, go on holiday, start becoming my normal self again, even wanting to make plans for the future again.

 

Then the end of tenancy was last week and we have to see each other to return keys and go through the inventory and immediately we are back to nastiness and bitterness- it's just that its all from his side now- I'm over it and just don't to fight anymore.

 

BUT it's not over yet, we are due to have our deposit money returned to us of an amount of £1150. This amount was given to me IN FULL by my dad.

 

His parents also gave us £500, of which I have said I will pay him £250 back, which would have been my half of the fees if they hadn't given us any money.

 

Since the split, I paid my half of 2 months rent when I first moved out to help him get on his feet (I was also hoping for reconsiliation and was VERY distressed at this time) which is £750, he took all the money that was left over in the joint account which was £400 (half each), he took all the money in our 'money box' which was about £50 and he has walked away with ALL the furniture, kitchenware etc that we paid half and half for when we were first setting up, which is about £800 worth of stuff. I suggested that all this should more than cover the £250 I owed him and therefore I should get the full deposit back and its over and done with.

 

After months of agreeing this, he is now instructing the estate agents to pay half the deposit money to him. So in effect, he is stealing my money.

 

I'm torn with what to do for the best... part of me wants to fight him, take him to small claims court, mediation, whatever it takes to not allow him to have taken everything from me. But part of me wants nothing more to do with him, wants to feel like it's a small price to pay to have him out of my life forever. He is a pathetic, disgusting little man and it's really irritating me that he's getting to me again, when thats probably all he wants anyway.

 

As the money was my dad's, I have spoken to him, and he told me not to worry about the money. He told me I should tell him that if he's desperate enough for money to steal from me, then he should consider it my charity and he's welcome to it.

 

Any advise, legal and emotional would be welcome at this stage cos I feel like I'm going to implode!!

[DN]

My first reaction is to advise suing - but I think your dad is being wise (and generous)

[FarthestEdge]

Tell him it's a small price to pay to be rid of him.

 

If your dad is good with letting it go, then thank him for his understanding and move forward.

 

I get the principle of the thing, but clearly your ex has no principles, so all you are doing is banging your head against the wall if you continue to pursue it. You said yourself that you were starting to move on...Don't let this pull you back in.

[doityourself]

It depends, you take it to court, youll have to see him, talk to him, and just be around him.

 

Do is the money worth the heartache and the headache you will have to go through.

 

Esp since you were doing good and moving on.

[BellaStranger]

I know you are all right, as is my dad... but how do I stop this sense of injustice keep stabbing at me? He walked all over me for a year and a half, and now he's coming in for one last show that he can still always get his own way?

 

But I'm also desperate to get this anger and bitterness out of my life, I'm so sick of it! I just can't shake this sense of it being so unfair and wanting to stick up for myself!!

 

I'm thinking of letting him think I'm gonna take him to court for the next couple of weeks, see if he backs down without me actually having to do anything...if he calls my bluff I'll have to think again! I'm gonna do it all NC, through the estate agents, they have already frozen our account pending 'dispute resolution', but they can only do that for a couple of months!

[doityourself]

Just dont let your anger turn into a vindictive moments. You want to get him out of your life not keep him in, and it seems that hes willing to do anything to hurt or upset you. (thats why hes doing it, cause he knows it does hurt you)

 

Show him that it doesnt bother you, and dont let it. You wanna stick it to him then take him to court but dont get caught up in the fight.

[DN]

Ignoring him and his nastiness is the best way of demonstrating your contempt.

[Puckdog27]

Consider the money to be the cost of never having to deal with him again. He is out of your life for price of 750 pound

[nutbrownhare]

I can understand why you're bothered about the fairness of this in a legal sense, but when I've been in a comparable situation I've taken the view that it's just material things, just money, and I can make them again. It's been worth it to have somebody out of my life. I've just walked, with my head held high; never underestimate the boost to your self-esteem which comes from maintaining your dignity.

 

As others have said, taking him to court means that you will need to have continuing contact with him - and your life's worth more than that. I'd also make the observation that while the material goods are an issue for you, he has control over you to some extent. Cut that tie, and he's powerless.

 

He sounds vile. But while he's being hostile and angry, and you're not getting hooked into it, the bitterness stays exactly where it belongs - with him. If you don't fight him over the money, and he was hoping you would because it would give him even more of an opportunity to fight you and hurt you any way he can - it completely pulls the rug out from under his feet. Disarms him.

 

Don't waste any more of your emotional and mental energy in trying to find ways of restoring a fairness which just isn't there. Your dad's absolutely right. Leave it behind you, and instead focus your attention on the fantastic future you're building - without this jerk. He's stuck with being who he is; now all you have to do is leave him there.

[BellaStranger]

Thanks guys! I think you're right... I'm better off out of it!! Nutbrownhare- I particuarly like your signature line- I think it applies here!!

[BellaStranger]

Just so you all know... I fought him for it... and won! I was all ready to tell him to stick it, when he sent me this patronising e-mail, basically telling me to 'do as I was told' and release the money to him... and I just saw red! I told him that I would be taking him to court, and my dad kindly enlighted him to the court costs and legal fees he would incur if he was the losing party and told him to 'make very sure he felt he was in the right' before taking it that far... and he backed straight down. He threw in some potentially hurtful things about his new girlfriend and how great his life it... which would have broken me if I cared anymore!

 

Now he is out of my life for good and I have no regrets. This has only made it easier to let him go and let go of the memory of the wonderful guy I fell in love with... he's nothing more than a jerk and a loser, and probably always was!

[DN]

Glad you won - in more ways than just the money.