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I understand I am a negative person and that it must get old.. this is why....

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Disclaimer: This is going to be somewhat lengthy, sorry about that... I fully understand if you don't want to read it all.. I simply don't know when to stop typing, once I get started... I would at the very least appreciate someone or someones reading it all though.


Sometimes I simply feel like giving up, it's one thing to work through one issue (depression as an example) and a whole other thing to get through issue after issue after issue.


I'm not trying to disparage the severe crippling nature that is depression, I know how painful it can be.. because I've lived through it for over half my life.


I'm simply pointing out that while it's a tough thing to deal with it it's own right, try adding all this to your plate in addition.


This might help people on here to understand, just why I'm such a negative person and feel so absolutely hopeless at times. Some of this is quite personal, but it feels better writing about it and letting it all out...


I've mentioned some of these things previously before my long hiatus from here, to others some of this will be new and perhaps even shocking. I simply hope that people here are by and large as open minded, as what they used to be.


Finally some of the 'fixes' for some of these things, simply aren't feasible right now. My roommate got laid off a few months ago and is having a hell of a time finding work. I do have insurance from work, but it typically doesn't coverage mental health issues.. since this Country refuses to take mental health as seriously as physical health and in terms of my physical health, I'm often so broke from having to pay twice the bills and nearly twice the rent, that I can't even afford a 20 dollar copay.


Anyway.. without further ado this is the multitude of things that I would have to fix


1: let's keep things simple to begin: I'm depressed as hell, life doesn't seem light or exciting, on the contrary life seems dark and mundane. I don't enjoy life, nor do I know how to enjoy it. I sometimes just want to fall asleep and never wake up again.


2: It's not only my mental and emotional health, but also my physical health that's an issue. It's hard to even explain, as some of these symptoms are quite vague and hard to put into words.


I'll do my best though.. my hands and feet tend to feel numb and tingly, my arms and legs seem to be getting progressively weaker, my vision will sometimes get blurry (never lasts long at all) my knees are in pain, my back is in pain and most recently I've been getting painful headaches and a sore throat just out of the blue.


3: My lack of relationships and to a lesser extent lack of a sex life, have started to bother me to the point that I genuinely hate people who have those things.. at least to a point.


I guess I hate is too strong of a word really, I simply *dislike* them. This includes even people like my best friend whom I've known since kindergarten. The jealousy's gotten that strong, although part of that is a long seeded resentment I've had toward the guy in one area.. dating and overall success with females.


All my life I had to hear girls talk about how hot he was, he's the kind of guy that could simply walk into a room and girls would flock to him.. I of course was always ignored. Don't get me wrong I still love the guy like a brother, but years of that sort of thing taking place.. and seeing him in a healthy loving relationship right now has made me hate that one aspect of him and has turned me into simply loving like like a brother, to loving him like a brother.. with a secret underlying extreme jealousy


4: I have bad teeth... Perhaps this one is somewhat superficial, but the cruel reality is that we live in a superficial world. For the record I'm not missing any teeth, so things could be worse in that regard... my teeth are just weird.. it's a genetic thing as my immediate family pretty much all have bad teeth, it's certainly not from lack of taking care of them. They are simply crooked, slightly discolored.. and the reason I mentioned weird...


I've never had to deal with wisdom teeth and in fact still have a baby tooth that never came out. I've actually had a girl tell me that my teeth were bad and that I needed to do something about it, not the best thing to tell someone who's already incredibly self conscious, not to mention depressed. I'm also well aware that bad teeth are considered a turn off for many females.


5: I'm incredibly shy and social anxious, this speaks for itself.. hard to function in social settings, when you feel as awkward as can be when attempting to do so.


6: I cross dress and have since a very young age. This is something that's going to always be a part of me, I've tried to suppress it... at three or four points in my life, I've thrown away anything deemed girly. Makeup, clothing, underwear.. you name it. I've literally lost hundreds and hundreds of dollars in product due to this purging of that side of me.


I always end up going back though.. sometimes I make it three years in between, sometimes I make it three weeks. The end result is the same, I start building my collection back up all over again. I'm quite honestly scared to death of relationships, in part due to this side of me. It's bad enough being shy... depressed... a virgin at my age etc etc.


Can only imagine getting lucky, getting with someone who willing to deal with and perhaps help to overcome my various issues and insecurities, only to have then later find out about my dressing. "Thanks honey for being willing to accept the fact that I was a virgin and willing to be a 'teacher' of sorts, now then.. does this babydoll nightie make me look fat"


7: I'm not sure who or what I am...this is the bombshell that I've talked about on here before, but it's been a long while... well before I went on hiatus for a period. Anyway I'm not sure that even cross dresser is an accurate portrayal. There's been a very real part of me that has always felt that I should have been born a female, that my being born a male was simply a cruel twist of fate.


I've sometimes felt that I just might be transgendered, I remember as a teenager lying in bed and it got to the point that I would actually cry myself to sleep and even though I've never really been much into religion, asking some higher being... that I quite honestly didn't even really believe in to make me wake up a girl and in turn pledging to worship he/she/it for all eternity.


The sheer emotion of such a scenario, and it was a common one throughout my teens would make this look like an open and shut case... I'm transgendered and that's that, I'm not so sure it's the case though. From what I understand there's normally no doubt among those who are born the wrong sex, there's still very real doubt in my case.


Part of me feels female inside, the other part of me feels content in the perhaps misguided belief that maybe... just maybe I can get over my various issues and simply find a girl who would be okay with my occasional dressing, even if it's only in private and when she's not around.


Anyway as you can see I've got a lot of things I would have to work through and this isn't even taking into account things like my fear of never being a parent, that perhaps hurts more than anything. I've had a vivid dream of seeing my son or daughter for the first time and breaking down with tears of joy, the thought of not ever experiencing that is quite honestly heartbreaking.


I do hope that I can get over my general stubborn nature and look into seeking help for these various issues, upon my roommate finding another job and having a little more money in my pocket. I simply hope that it doesn't spiral out of control from a money standpoint.. after all there's going to likely be doctors, perhaps neurologists if some of the more scary possibilities need to be confirmed/ruled out from a physical health standpoint, therapists, possibly psyches and possibly even a gender expert.


I guess I'll worry about the financial repercussions when the time comes, in the mean time I simply need to focus on getting healthy and finding my way in this huge world we all reside in.


I need to do something though, because it's not fun feeling this hopeless and confused.

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How committed are you towards working for a better future?


1. How often do you workout? Working out makes people feel better and would also help with some of the body issues you've mentioned, decreasing back pain, improving overall fitness/body image etc...


2. Have you been to a doctor to see if there is anything they can do for you? A lot of people knock it but antidepressants can really do the trick for some people!


3. If you think you need a relationship to be happy, then you'll need a relationship to be happy, but it is my belief that one can never be happy in a relationship unless they are happy by themselves. If you need someone else to define your happiness, it really won't work out, you need to focus on what makes you happy and let the relationships come on their own.


4. 'Bad teeth' is subjective, you might not like the size of your teeth or they mey be crooked etc, but there isn't a lot you can do to change that short of a lot of dental surgery that really wouldn't solve the issue, everyone has challenges, they're bald, too short, one arm is shorter than the other etc, it isn't a deterrant, just an obstacle that you CAN overcome if you decide to.


5. Next time you go out, strike up a conversation with ANYONE! Literally about anything, the only way you can overcome your fear of interacting with people in public is to do it. Just remember, most of the people you meet, you'll never see again, it literally doesn't matter if you make a great impression or a bad one, but the only way you will get better at this is to practice. Every day, every time you go out, until it is 2nd nature.


6. Lots of people have fetishes and lifestyle choices everyone doesn't understand, people are a lot more understanding than you'd think but if you don't give them a chance, you'll never be able to find that out.


7. Not being sure of you who you are is most of the fun in life, you can become anything, learn anything, do anything. If you knew where you stood and just where you were going, life might get pretty boring, enjoy the chaos.


How committed are you towards building a better future for yourself? Are you willing to accept that it is your responsibility for your happiness and not that of anyone else?

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Thanks for the response


I would like to work for a better future, but until my roommate finds employment, there's only so much I can do as money's an issue currently.


To touch base on your replies...


1: I tend to rarely, if ever work out. I wouldn't be opposed to starting, I simply don't know if I'm in the current physical shape that would allow me to.


2: Not yet, because I've been stubborn about it... I come form a long family history of stubborn people. Having said that I'm finally ready to get it checked out, but as mentioned previously I'm so broke nowadays from having to pay twice the bills and nearly twice the rent, that I usually can't even afford the 20 dollar co pay I would have to pay for a doctor's visit.


My symptoms are vague and from doing research it can literally be a ton of things, all of these can cause at least some of the symptoms I've been dealing with... some are associated with more of the symptoms than others.. but all can cause at least a few.


deficiency (lack of B12 in particular can cause these symptoms and I am vegan so might not get enough, although I supplement to make up for not getting B12 from animal sources) The one thing that makes me think it's likely not a lack of B12... at least causing all the issues, is the simple fact that the first symptom.. the numb hands started well before I cut out the animal products.










types of cancer




warning signs


and that's only the start... hopefully it's none of the more major possibilities, but as of now I simply don't know. I do know that I likely in my current state, wouldn't realistically have the energy to work out.


3: I don't know how to be happy on my own, believe me if I did... I would be all for it. I do agree that there's something to the being happy with oneself before having success in a relationship, or before even seeking one out.


I'm so lonely that I simply don't know how much longer I can carry on by myself, I'm at the point where I'm bitter toward people that are in relationships... and to a lesser extent have active sex lives. This includes even friends... obviously I care for those people, but that one particular aspect of their lives I resent.. due to my own loneliness manifesting itself into an extreme form of jealousy. No matter how one slices it, not going on a date in over a decade and being a virgin at 31 is rather pathetic, is it any wonder that I get down about it?


4: I hope I can overcome my bad teeth, I'm not overly optimistic because I know of the sheer volume of women who consider it to be a major turn off. I think your advice is great for the most part, the one thing that I do disagree on is dental surgery fixing this particular problem.


I've seen wonders done with cosmetic denistry and as long as I'm a candidate, plan to get it done sooner rather than later.. regardless of cost. I make decent enough money, that once my roommate gets back on his feet... I should be able to save up a few thousand dollars within a year or less rather easily and hopefully that will be enough, if not I'll save whatever it takes and then my teeth will be respectable and that will be one less issue I'll have to overcome.


5 actually tried this, to varying degrees of success. I can sometimes get the courage to strike up a conversation, other times I can't. I feel awkward regardless though. This is one thing I'm hoping a therapist might be able to help with, once I'm in a better position to seek one out.


As an example of my social awkwardness... every now and then a friend will convince me to go to a bar, I tend to avoid people as much as possible when there.. to the point of sitting in a corner by myself as much as possible and when the social situation gets borderline suffocating, going outside for extended periods of time... again hopefully a good therapist will be able to help me get through this issue.


6: I'm sure there are people that are more understanding than what I give them credit for, at the same time I would be willing to wager that the percentage of females who would be okay with my cross dressing would be in the single digits 'maybe' slightly above at best. It's simply a very tough thing to have to bring up.


7: Finally this one..... I generally agree with what you are saying, however there is a huge difference between a person who as an example doesn't know where they want to end up at in terms of a city, or what they want to do for a career... and someone who feels like they could possibly be transgendered.


There's social stigmas.. and then there are *social stigmas* Society typically speaking and as always there are exceptions, isn't okay with people who are born the wrong sex... and the average person would never know the sheer fear involved with providentially finding out that being forced to be a male (or female in some cases) is one of the main things keeping them so unhappy.. and then having to break the big 'news' to family and friends that you are going to transition to the opposite sex in order to be your true self.


As stated in my first post, I'm in no way certain of the fact that I am transgendered, there's part of me that feels I would be happy simply being allowed to dress up from time to time and finding a woman who was understanding about it.... I believe in most cases trans people whether it be male to female or female to male, tend to have no doubt whatsoever.


There's still that part of me that still dreams of being a woman, that same part of me who would fall asleep crying as a teenager.... that leads to just enough wondering on my part and the realization that I will likely at some point have to see a gender expert, it's very scary in a lot of ways.


Here I am being long winded again, clearly I have a lot of things I need to work through and they run the gamut really... as there are some fairly minor things and some that are quite major and potentially life altering. I said in my first post that I would disparage depression, as I know that feeling all too well.


It would be nice to 'only' be depressed though and not have all these other issues, sometimes I feel like a complete headcase. Schizophrenia runs in my family.. so who knows.

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Kinda disappointing that this has been viewed 88 times and only responded to by one person, perhaps it was too much information to try and digest.


I'm honestly not sure, just felt like I poured my heart out and at least gave some insight as to why I'm so negative and feel the way I do about life. This is simply put a lot for one person to try to handle at one time and to say it's overwhelming would be an understatement.


On the plus side, as of Wednesday afternoon my roommate is employed again, it's only part time for now.. but it's certainly better than nothing and will hopefully allow me to have enough money in my pocket to get my various issues looked into.

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You clearly have a lot on your plate.


If you had to prioritize your problems, from most troublesome to least, what order would you put them in?


As for the transgender/cross-dressing issues, I would think that locating a therapist who specializes in this area would be most helpful for you.


Are you currently under the care of a physician for your medical concerns? What I would recommend in that area is to keep a symptoms journal to keep track of your various symptoms. This can be invaluable in sorting out patterns.


Many chronic diseases start out as diffuse symptoms, and it is actually quite normal for it to take a number of years to get a proper diagnosis. Additionally, many diseases share common symptoms, which compounds the problem of getting a diagnosis.


While its definitely possible that you have a disease such as MS, lupus, etc,., one thing to keep in mind is that anxiety and depression can also cause physical symptoms. That is why I would recommend keeping a log of your symptoms. It can be very helpful to your physicians to have documentation of when you have various symptoms, time of day, what you ate, how long it lasted, what you were doing when they started, etc.


Last, I will just make a plug for learning meditation. Its free and if you do it regularly, it can really help with depression and anxiety. There is a good book that was written to help people with depression- you could probably get a used copy on-line for pretty cheap - its called link removed. Given how much you have on your plate, I think this book could be extremely helpful for you.


Hang in there.

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