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Second chances


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i was seeing a girl for about 6 months. when we met we had just gotten out of long relationships and agreed to take things slow. she told me and other friends that she didn't want a boyfriend and planned on staying single for a whole year. she is very strong willed and sticks to her goals. but the connection we felt was very strong and we spent every moment together. eventually we slept with each other and promised not to sleep with anyone else, even though it was made clear to me that this didn't mean we were boyfriend and girlfriend. we were free to see other people and she even kissed a guy with in the first two months. it hurt me badly, but i looked at it as something that was told to me from the beginning and i had no right to be angry over it. so what do i do? i go out and sleep with an ex girlfriend twice. i don't tell her, but for the next 4 months i lie about it. she knew something was up and even went through my text messages twice and yes indeed she found texts from my ex. my ex knew that i was seeing someone else, but not the extent of it. she wasn't over me and threatened to tell the new girl of my wrong doings so i felt the need to keep her at bay by kind of keeping in touch with her. i didn't want to loose my new relationship, so i obliged. it was hard to live a double life in a way. i would pull way from my new relationship and feel distant at times. it was eating me up, but i felt if i could just get the ex out of my life and the chance of her telling the new girl what i had done things would be awesome. but i couldn't get her to leave me alone. she kept popping up and saying she was going to make it known to the new girl. finally the new girl checked my phone last week and say that i was still talking to her, when i had said i wasn't. i know i lied and cheated in a way. now she says there are no second chances for a guy like me....a lier and a cheater. but i want a second chance. i want to better myself and i am seeking help in the form of counseling to change some of the things in my life, not for the new girl, but for me. but what i don't understand is how she can say no to ever maybe even a slight chance that we can try this again. and this time be fully committed to eachother. to no be secretive, like not sitting next to each other in front of her friends or holding hands in public. i know i screwed up, but it's not like we were together for 3 years and then i cheated on her. she told me numerous times she would never date. how was that supposed to make me feel? it made me feel like she was going to leave me at the first sign of something better. she says she wouldn't do that and by sleeping with me i should have know there was a commitment there even though there was no label. i want to know what i can do to make her see that she would be missing out on what COULD be a great relationship. one where we are both on the same page. i told her many times i wanted to be her boyfriend, but she kept saying no, but kept sleeping with me. i know that if i wasn't ok with having everything i need from her i should have just walked away and said that we should try it again when we are both ready, but i wanted it too badly to do that. what do i do??? i want her back and i know right now she can't even see that as an option.

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Well, she is certainly getting on her high horse acting like the injured party when she herself refused to acknowledge you as a boyfriend. While you most certainly should have been honest with her, I think she has not held herself accountable for her own mixed up behaviour. Honestly, the way she treated you I don't think she ever would have considered you a proper boyfriend...your decption simply gave her a way to pass the buck to you...hold you solely responsible rather than having to acknowledge her own wrong-doing. I think you dodged a bullet.

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