Relationship Expenses

[bar35]

Ok, so after beginning an relationship with a woman, and following the general protocol of paying for all the dates, dinner, movies etc...but not being rich and then moving to the next stage of a relationship, in other words from just dating to a relationship. How do you balance the budget so to speak. Both people work full time, she doesn't pay rent, nor does she have a car, so she is saving tons.

 

Being that the economics of our times have changed radically since our parent's times, how do gender roles adapt to this? How do women think about money when it is coming out of the other person's pocket? And how do you resolve expectations of a relationship? Do other men share the feeling of being financially emasculated if/when you reach the point where things are getting too expensive to sustain? Fortunately the woman that I am currently dating is a budget analyst so she might really adapt well, but I am getting concerned. I hate this, because I am not rich and I don't want to dig myself into an impossible situation.

 

I know that the only thing to do is to talk about it at some point, but I am afraid that the relationship will get tainted in some way. The first time that she offered to contribute to the bill should I have accepted? How the heck can you go dutch sometimes? Just say it?

[_Asti_]

It is about communication...it's unrealistic to expect someone to foot all the bills when you go out. You've probably set the bar by turning down her invitiation to offer to pay, and by making the offer to pay for everything.

 

Why not next time you go out, make it clear "Can we split this bill?"

 

My fiance always took initiative, and to this day still takes initiative to pay for everything when we go out. But in the past he was never shy to speak up and say that things were tight. And I found myself feeling frustrated just in the sense that I wished he had spoken up and said "Can you get this one..." instead of letting it reach a point of frustration for him that he felt obligated to pay for everything.

 

More often than not, we split things. As in he pays for dinner...I get the movie tickets and snacks, I'll cover the gas money and he'll pay the hotel room, etc.

 

If she has money, she won't be upset that the expectation has changed. Just have a discussion about how the finances are getting a little tricky, and all this going out does take a toll on your wallet. Or take a step back from doing all these great things, and make reference that its adding up financially, and maybe she'll speak up and say that she'll pay for dinner this time, etc.

 

And if she does get upset, what does that say?

[annie24]

why isn't she paying rent?

[wheatgrass82]

oh wow that is tough. the old fashined values defs apply sometimes... women like to feel taken care of... but you can do that in ways other then monetary gestures.... or paying the rent...

 

totally just bring it up... if she is the woman for you .. you will be able to work together through this no problems.

 

i dont have much experience with this at all as ive been lucky to always been taken care of in relationships. BUT ive been head over heels once only and i tell ya... i would have done anything to create a life with that man..i wouldnt have cared if he cleaned piggery's. i just truly loved him to the depth of his soul. so yeah..... if she wants to make it work she'll do what it takes.

[annie24]

i'm just used to paying 50/50. i'm a student, i've dated a lot of students, and we know neither is in a good financial situation so it doesn't make a lot of sense for the man to pay all the time. I've heard some women say that they let their man pay always because it makes them 'appreciate them' more. maybe what is going on here?

[bar35]

why isn't she paying rent?

She moved back in with her parents because she is going back to school, which is fine, it just lightens her financial load considerably.

 

i'm just used to paying 50/50. i'm a student, i've dated a lot of students, and we know neither is in a good financial situation so it doesn't make a lot of sense for the man to pay all the time. I've heard some women say that they let their man pay always because it makes them 'appreciate them' more. maybe what is going on here?

 

That's cool. I don't even need 50/50, just not 100% all the time.

 

oh wow that is tough. the old fashined values defs apply sometimes... women like to feel taken care of...

i dont have much experience with this at all as ive been lucky to always been taken care of in relationships.

 

Just as a heads up ladies,and this is not meant to be a slam in anyway, I know that women build resentment when their expectations are not met, and that resentment can boil over for ya'll.

 

Probably one issue that builds resentment in men the most is the thought that you are "being taken care of." Because with every financial transaction there is an expected return, even if he doesn't say it. Of course if you are "taking care of him" by cleaning his apartment, doing his laundry and cooking for him, then there is a balance.

 

All of us have a running balance sheet in their head. I think for women that balance sheet is measured in emotional values. For men I think that it is in service/economic terms.

 

This is one of the most frustrating and damaging of gender role expectations that exist, and as the economic playing field continues to get leveled, and it is very close, please be conscious of it. Money permeates every aspect of our lives for better or for worse.

 

Trust me, men know what they are spending on you. It is not just dust in the wind. However, there are few men who I know who would not want to be able to be the sole provider. Rich. Dependable. In control.

 

That being stated, I really appreciate the approaches toward communication of this issue that have been offered. I think that it will soften the conversation. It sucks not to have tons of cash.

[Ms Darcy]

Buddy, you aren't going to have a healthy long-term relationship with anyone if you can't talk about these issues. You have no choice but to talk to her.

[wheatgrass82]

women like to feel taken care of... but you can do that in ways other then monetary gestures.... or paying the rent...

 

QUOTE]

 

if she loves you and wants to be with you.... no amount of socio economic shifting of values should be a problem...

 

If she is a nice girl who cares for you... if won't matter you are poor and cannot provide financially. Rest assured that to the good girls....that stuff shouldn't matter. Be generous with your spirit and your time. That is pricelss.

 

talk to her and she should be understanding and sweet about it. If you're a god guy don't let her make you feel guilty for asking

[bar35]

Buddy, you aren't going to have a healthy long-term relationship with anyone if you can't talk about these issues. You have no choice but to talk to her.

 

You're absolutely correct. Thanks for that. Check my post in Abuse and Violence and you might see why I am so pent up. It's call "I had my ex arrested today."

 

QUOTE]

 

if she loves you and wants to be with you.... no amount of socio economic shifting of values should be a problem...

 

If she is a nice girl who cares for you... if won't matter you are poor and cannot provide financially. Rest assured that to the good girls....that stuff shouldn't matter. Be generous with your spirit and your time. That is pricelss.

 

talk to her and she should be understanding and sweet about it. If you're a god guy don't let her make you feel guilty for asking

 

Thank you. She will be cool about. I can tell. That is really reassuring. I have just been feeling really beat down financially lately, running on a treadmill of high expectations and feeling really nervous about it. I am just so sick of the rat race, feeling as if a little piece of me is being nibbled off each day.

 

She will be receptive to this conversation, because she really seems to be a decent human being.