Do you believe in what goes around comes around?

[egygirl]

DO you have any stories of having your heart broken, and then later, the ex pays later in their life for hurting you and causing you unimaginable pain? This is not about revenge...but about "Treating others how you want to be treated."

 

What are your stories?

 

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My story:

 

I have just gone through a horrible break up. We both did things to contribute to the break up. However, The thing I did wrong was not intentional, and I truly loved him, and forgave him for every nasty thing he did, including cheating on me, and talking about wanting to sleep with my friends...and making me feel worthless and unwanted. What I did wrong was hide my past from him...not that I have a terrible past, but I didn't want him to judge me, and instead accept me for who I am now. I was ashamed of my past...(completely normal and innocent in the West, shameful in some other cultures). He didn't forgive me for hiding things from him, which caused the break up. I forgave him. Seems one sided...at one point he wanted an "open relationship" but only from his side, not mine.

 

Anyway, I loved him with all of my heart, I dealt with all of his cruelty, and clinged to the hope when he was sweet and kind to me. I was dependent on him (yes it was stupid) I made him my everything, and he knew it. I always forgave his manipulations...but when I do one thing wrong, I am erased from his life (Facebook and msn) forever? Only God knows. But my intentions were never to hurt him am beating myself up for what I did...I feel soo guilty, and I can't forgive myself...I cry all the time, as I never wanted to hurt who I loved sooo much. But he never felt guilty for cheating...he even said the prostitute was "damn hot." He never apologized to me. I wrote 2 long apology letters and poured out my feelings. i truly feel terrible...

 

If someone has something good, a true, and unconditional love, don't appreciate it, take it for granted, and abuse it, does it come around again? or do they pay dearly?

 

I don't wish him bad luck in his life...I wish him well...but he caused me SOOOOOOOOO much pain and depression. Only God knows what will happen in the future...I just know I am in pain now....

[Puckdog27]

I find its better to let go and not care if they pay.....dont care whatever happens to them.....its called indifference, and its only when you become indifferent that you can say you are truly over what they did.

[itsallgrand]

To tell you the truth, I do not believe life is fair. I do not believe people are always made to face the consequences of their actions, nor do all people "get what is coming to them". Life simply isn't equal in regards to quality for all, wish it was, but that's only something I can work for by my own hands and can't control the rest.

 

Instead of worrying about his, if you focus on you, no matter how painful, you win. Not in terms of competition, but in terms of your own human development and ability to handle the unfairness of the world. That is my take. And I worked hard striving to realize that in my own life too. I've also been at the receiving end of a selfish person who cheated on me in my past. And I've also held things close to the vest with that said person, bc of shame about my own past.

 

Releasing my own shame has been the light that brought me through all that. I no longer worry about revenge, balancing of scales, what comes to him. What I do is strive to make sure I don't make the same mistakes twice in my life. And so doing that, some meaning comes out of the pain. Something was learned, I'm moving in a stronger direction.

 

I wish the same for you. Try to find the gold in what looks like a pile of poop. Sorry for your pain.

[TurtleDove12]

Karma doesn't exist. Your ex might be happy, beyond happy for the rest of their days.

 

Can't let that affect you. Can't take pride in their misery.

[Hell_On_Heels]

I have to say yes, karma does exist and it comes around much stronger than you could ever imagine. A lot of times we don't see the results, but if we have truly let go, we won't want to see the results.

 

My current ex is already feeling it - pain, misery, loneliness, etc. He will always feel this way unless he can somehow find the courage to look at himself and change. He's 50, so I doubt that will happen.

 

My first husband...he hurt me a lot, wasn't faithful. He ended up dying from cancer. Some will say that's just a disease and not a "consequence". I disagree. And I would never ever wish that kind of suffering on anybody.

 

So yes, I think there are consequences to our actions. I've felt them in my own life, too. But the others are right - if you focus on you and letting go, if you reach the point of indifference, then you are free. What else matters?

[egygirl]

I believe maybe I am paying for hiding my past from him. So, it came back to me....and it wasn't intentional. My heart was pure, I was just ashamed. I think if you mean well, you are forgiven...but still...we all have to answer to the actions we do on earth. Like I said before, I do not wish him harm or a hard life...I love him too much. Despite the pain he caused me, I am not mad at him.

 

But I want him to understand my pain.....

 

I hope I can get to the point where I am indifferent. It seems like a very long, and onerous road ahead...but I guess we all have no choice but to travel it...

[itsallgrand]

It sounds like it's more about forgiving yourself and correcting your mistakes, than about him at all.

 

I wonder...is that why you stayed? You felt you did something wrong and so gave him another shot as a way to try and cleanse your own soul?

 

Not judging, just wondering. I've done weirder.

[egygirl]

I stayed because really I was in love with him. Also, I think it was a lack of self-esteem and wanting to cling to what was comfortable. I couldn't imagine I could find someone else that I would love the same. So, no matter what he did...I clinged to the sweet side of him...which gave me hope... Getting something from him was better than nothing at all...it was enough just to be near him. Yes, I know....how sad of me.

 

But I still would like him to feel how I felt...not being appreciated and taken for granted...

[itsallgrand]

I stayed because really I was in love with him. Also, I think it was a lack of self-esteem and wanting to cling to what was comfortable. I couldn't imagine I could find someone else that I would love the same. So, no matter what he did...I clinged to the sweet side of him...which gave me hope... Getting something from him was better than nothing at all...it was enough just to be near him. Yes, I know....how sad of me.

 

But I still would like him to feel how I felt...not being appreciated and taken for granted...

 

That's really honest.

 

The bolded: That feeling goes away once your self esteem gets built up to a strong point. Trust me on this. I speak from experience! lol.

 

And you know what? A lot of folks cheat bc in their life they never did get a sense of being appreciated as a person and were taken for granted. They often learn it. More likely than not, he already feels such a deep lack of love for himself you couldn't do anything to make it worse no matter what you did. Doing anything just gives ammo for his justifications of how everyone else does it, and everyone else is in the wrong. They have to find a way to sleep at night with what they've done, and it usually involves blaming other people for not being good enough in some way.

 

I wish you lots of luck and hugs.

[Lastchallenge]

The op asked for stories. Can someone share a story?

I can't count how many threads there are where the op asks for a story and gets the usual answer of "forget them and focus on you" yeah yeah yeah we all know that but sometimes were bored and maybe just maybe.... We want to hear a story! Why is it so hard?! If u guys can't post a story then don't but why post the usual bs?

[Hell_On_Heels]

I don't believe you are "paying" for hiding your past from him. Did you lie about it? Or did you keep it private? I'm sure there are plenty of things I've done in my life that I'm not proud of and so I don't go around talking about them, or even sharing everything I've ever done.

 

Sounds to me like he grabbed any excuse he could find. If he's busy pointing fingers at you - and you are busy defending yourself - then he never has to answer for his cheating.

 

I do think it's important that you come to terms with your past and forgive yourself.

[egygirl]

Forgiving myself and coming to terms will take time. I'm taking it hour by hour...not even day by day.

 

That being said and back to the original question, does anyone have any stories about how they moved on...whether it was through closure,or by the time you did move on...you saw the true colors of your ex, or they finally realized what they did to you?

 

Sometimes it is closure, when you realize your ex feels sorry for what they've done to you...you feel that there is at least some empathy there.

[itsallgrand]

The op asked for stories. Can someone share a story?

I can't count how many threads there are where the op asks for a story and gets the usual answer of "forget them and focus on you" yeah yeah yeah we all know that but sometimes were bored and maybe just maybe.... We want to hear a story! Why is it so hard?! If u guys can't post a story then don't but why post the usual bs?

 

The op asked for stories. Can someone share a story?

I can't count how many threads there are where the op asks for a story and gets the usual answer of "forget them and focus on you" yeah yeah yeah we all know that but sometimes were bored and maybe just maybe.... We want to hear a story! Why is it so hard?! If u guys can't post a story then don't but why post the usual bs?

 

Yeah, alright.

 

Everything the guy did to me, he had happen to him with the person he left me for.

 

But he also had a lot of windfalls fall in his lap too.

 

So?

 

If only I had a good venereal disease story to tell, but then i'd be on day time tv!

 

In my idea of karma early on, more like vengeance - his putting my body at risk would have resulted in him getting a nasty case of venereal disease. Hey, it could be, I wouldn't know. lol. But I don't get the satisfaction of thinking of that now that I used to when it first happened.

 

Oh yeah, and he still lives in fear of what I might do. The suspense is killing him. I know this because periodically someone sends their tentacles out to fish for info, and they all seem to have this idea i am crazy person who would actually do something to interfere with his life.

 

The suspense hanging is better than doing anything. I don't worry about what happens, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do things to put his nerves at rest. Let his imagination do its part. That's only natural until he comes clean with himself. People hang their own ropes better than others can ever do.

[Hell_On_Heels]

ok. I will tell the story of my first husband. I loved him a lot, and he thought I walked on water. I have never felt so completely loved by anyone in my life. He didn't think I was a goddess, he was quick to point out my flaws (wry grin), but we truly deeply loved each other.

 

We married and had 3 kids together (now all grown). We had a close happy family for the most part. I was a stay-at-home mom and loved that. I was Martha Stewart before she became famous. LOL. But...as in all relationships, tehre was a problem that we never could resolve. He cheated, although I knew he would never leave us, it still hurt me. And he couldn't handle me growing up. I married very young - I was bound to grow up some day.

 

He would create scenarios in his head while at work, and then come home and fight with me about them. Imaginary fights. So bizarre. He could never be satisfied, not emotionally or physically. It almost broke me to realize that...and then I had to make a choice between him or me. He was sucking the soul out of my body. Literally.

 

We tried some therapy, but he only focused on what I had to change, never what he had to change. I was hurting all the time. I was in so much pain that I didn't even realize I WAS in pain anymore. And I still loved him.

 

One night we were standing together laughing about something one of our kids had done, and then he hit me. Right in the face. He was a big muscular guy, and I felt fire exploding in my face. I couldn't believe it! And I went back at him, trying to kill him quite honestly. We were physically fighting on the floor when our oldest walked in and saw us. He was 13 at the time. We both froze, absolutely horrified at ourselves.

 

I packed the kids up and we went to stay with a friend for the weekend. He stayed at home, called the police on me for kidnapping, and got in trouble for hitting me instead. He moved out when I returned with the kids. We knew it was over. It didn't matter how much we loved each other - once someone hits you, they will never come back from it. They will keep hitting you and it would've gotten much worse. There was no way either of us were gonna raise our children like that, or put ourselves through it.

 

And yet, we still loved each other so much. It about killed us, being parted like that.

 

I'd like to tell you that we handled the divorce well, but we did not. He kept playing games, scaring me, and making life hard on the kids. I finally told him to stop it or I would move accross the country. He didn't stop. The kids and I moved accross the country, to Oregon.

 

After a few months, we were able to talk to each other (most of the time) as friends. We always had been best friends, and we really missed each other. He had moved in with one of his girlfriends (who refers to ME as a * * * * * , by the way, even in front of my children). We discussed what it would take to reconcile...but he wasn't willing to do 2 years (minimum) therapy.

 

He played a lot of games and used our children as pawns. This kind of behavior burns my soul, and it took everything I had to protect my kids instead of fighting him. He left me with 40,000 debt. He got a divorce without my consent or my knowledge by saying I had run away with his children. He did a LOT of terrible things that hurt me and our kids.

 

And immediately after the divorce decree was signed, he was diagnosed with cancer. He told me a few months later...it was terminal. That really broke my heart. I couldn't imagine a world without him in it. I still struggle with it.

 

I sent the kids back to be with him while he was sick. He fought his cancer for 2 years. I flew out often to see them. And my pain was so intense that it hurt me to breathe - being without them, watching him slowly die. I lived my life 5 minutes at a time because that was all I could do. Anymore than that, and I would've committed suicide to stop the pain - and I couldn't do that. My kids needed me.

 

He died 2 years later, at home with the kids at his side. For his last weeks he couldn't speak, or see, or do anything. He was in tremendous pain. His body was wasted, emaciated...that strong vibrant body I held every night for 14 years had deteriorated so badly that he was half of his body weight.

 

I'm crying while I type this so please forgive my typos. It's been 9 years since he died. I somehow got through the first couple of years. I don't know how. Just the sheer act of having to survive, I guess. By now the kids were in high school and they wanted to finish there, where they had grown up. Every child psychologist I saw told me it was best for them to stay there, surrounded by the familiar. And I couldn't move back. I couldn't afford it, and I couldn't handle the closeness of it all.

 

I worked a full time job and went to school. I tried my hardest to pay off the divorce debt. I just survived. It took me a long time to learn to live again. I didn't date much. And I began to learn who I was, and to do things for myself instead of for my family. After 6 years, I met my second husband - and that is my current breakup/heartache.

 

I don't have answers for you...only my experience. But yes, I think he paid for his mistakes, we all did.

[Stay_home]

The op asked for stories. Can someone share a story?

I can't count how many threads there are where the op asks for a story and gets the usual answer of "forget them and focus on you" yeah yeah yeah we all know that but sometimes were bored and maybe just maybe.... We want to hear a story! Why is it so hard?! If u guys can't post a story then don't but why post the usual bs?

 

It's just not reality, brah. I wish people got what they deserve but it doesn't always work out that way.

[moving]

Wow, what a story, Hell_on_Heels. It must have taken you a lot to share that - thank you for doing so.

 

It makes me think what I'd already suspected - when someone who has hurt you suffers in their own life, it probably doesn't give you the satisfaction of, "See? Deal with that! What goes around comes around!" I feel so terribly sorry for all the pain that you and your family went through. You have all my respect and admiration for coming through it still standing.

 

This is also why I don't wish "what goes around comes around" on my exes, even though they each hurt me badly (and I hurt the first one, too, however unintentionally). I don't wish pain on someone I once cared about, even if I don't love them anymore. If I still care about them and am still hurting -- it won't cause the net happiness in the world to increase if they're hurting too, you know. And if I no longer care and am no longer hurting ... why would I want someone I don't care about to feel hurt?

 

With respect to my more recent ex - I suppose I would like for something in his life to help make him more emotionally aware and empathetic, for his own sake. It wouldn't necessarily need to take the form of pain (though that often is what makes us more empathetic). For his sake, I hope it doesn't involve pain. But he is emotionally oblivious to the point where he doesn't seem to understand or empathize with what others are feeling, and I do hope that something happens to change that in time.

[egygirl]

Hell on Heels and its all grand, my heart go out to you both. Hell on wheels thank you for sharing your story. I wish everyone healing and for a blessing to come from your hurt. It's something, when people take you for granted ....but when they need someone, you are the one that is there for them. You are the one who is there with them when they are sick and have no one else.

 

I think people only realize what they had and what they did wrong, when things in their life become difficult, usually. Like some said, it doesn't always happen that way. But sooner or later it does..either in this lifetime or the next.

 

Yes, again, I don't get pleasure out of seeing another suffer. I would never wish my ex to suffer...even the same pain I felt, but I want him to understand it.

[TurtleDove12]

The op asked for stories. Can someone share a story?

I can't count how many threads there are where the op asks for a story and gets the usual answer of "forget them and focus on you" yeah yeah yeah we all know that but sometimes were bored and maybe just maybe.... We want to hear a story! Why is it so hard?! If u guys can't post a story then don't but why post the usual bs?

 

Where's your story?

 

Perhaps some are bored. And perhaps others don't really know how to feel or know what's going to help them feel better now and in the long run.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Thank you for the kind wishes. I truly appreciate it. I still miss my first husband, especially when the kids are having a big life moment and he's not here to see them, but the pain is long gone. Mostly I remember the good times and smile, grateful for him and for what we were to each other.

 

I would like to think that would happen one day with my second ex, as well, but it's not likely. Our best moments were when we dated. Once we married, he took me for granted. And I let him.

 

My ex is already having major stress in his life. There will be a lot of happiness for him from his situation, too, but it's definitely a lot of stress. Mostly, he is incapable of really loving someone else. Like moving's ex, mine has no empathy for anyone. This causes its own pain, he creates his own karma here. He can't sustain love or really get what he wants from it, since he can't give. He gets a temporary relief when he first falls in love, and then it goes away.

 

I have two choices...I can sit here and wish ill on him (which is unnecessary since his life choices will make him miserable anyway), or I can put my energy into making a good life for me. I am very aware of this choice - there are times I'd like to kill him for hurting me like this. But mostly, I want a good life for me, and that's where I have to put my energy.

 

Again, agreeing with and quoting moving, I don't want someone I once loved to be in a lot of pain. I know my ex understands my pain because he's feeling the same thing. If he wasn't, he wouldn't work so hard to hate me in order to push me away. I do wish he would've been kinder about all of this, but I have to accept that he isn't capable.

 

A friend told me yesterday that I fell in love with my ex's potential, and now I'm seeing his reality. His "real side" is very ugly and twisted...there can't be any joy in that part of him.

[egygirl]

Hell on Heels, maybe that's what's happening with my ex... he may be in so much pain from finding out my past, that he pushed me away in order to forget me. Which hurts, because we had wonderful times together. 3 years to be exact. I hope one day he will remember the good times, and not hate me or have resentment towards me or think of me as a bad person. I hope he will one day realize my value and my feelings towards him.

 

I also hope that I will be able to heal and one day find someone who really appreciates me and values me...I been waiting my whole life for a man that does, and so far it hasn't happened... I really hope one day it will happen soon.

[hater13]

I don't think that's karma..you suffered just as much if not more then him. You are still hurt by this.

 

My father is an alcoholic that abuses my mother all the time, he even abuses me. Do I wish karma will hit him hard? No. Never have, never will.

 

My dad hits my mother all the time- one time to the point where he ripped off her shirt in front of his grown children.

 

You're husband hit you once and you think his "karma" was terminal cancer

 

wonder what my dad's "karma" will be

[sunday2010]

Hell on Heels, maybe that's what's happening with my ex... he may be in so much pain from finding out my past, that he pushed me away in order to forget me. Which hurts, because we had wonderful times together. 3 years to be exact. I hope one day he will remember the good times, and not hate me or have resentment towards me or think of me as a bad person. I hope he will one day realize my value and my feelings towards him.

 

I also hope that I will be able to heal and one day find someone who really appreciates me and values me...I been waiting my whole life for a man that does, and so far it hasn't happened... I really hope one day it will happen soon.

 

this so sums up what I'm feeling. 2 months broken up wow how time has flown.I want karma to get him.but who knows.he took me for granted and basically didn't car eabout what was affecting me.he was weak,insensitive and uncaing.What you've just written though is what I'm thinking these days.

[sidehop]

Sometimes we can only hope that either the person feels the same pain or out of anger something bad will give them a wake-up call.

 

It's not only the type of person he is and was to you but what such lying and cheating always brings. There are consequences for every action. Chances are if he's allowing and lying to himself that's what he will attract from others.

 

When people go out of their way to hurt (physically or emotionally) someone else, they've already dug their own grave. And he will one day fall into one of the graves he dug and will have hard time moving on with his life in a straight path.

[wheatgrass82]

no. what goes around comes around? no. it's just an airy fairy saying we apply as needed... it's not a hared and fast rule... same goes for grass is always greener.... and nice guys finish last........ they are grosse cliche's. none of us are in control of whats going or coming around. .. they are just sayings. that's it.

 

karma is something we all tell ourselves to make oursleves feel better when we get hurt or do the right thing and someone wrongs us... it is not absoloute. come ot think of it... that would be a total contradiciotin to the very popular notion that nice guys finish last..... and only the good die young.

 

balony x

[Hell_On_Heels]

hater13, I don't think karma got him because he hit me once. I think it was a lifetime of bad behavior - add the cheating, the using our kids and nearly destroying them to get at me, etc. I think there is a very solid connection between our health and our actions.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your mom and you.