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Getting mean after I say I cannot make it to see him for a first time?


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Background: about a month and a half ago I started seeing this guy through mutual friends. Overall, we have a lot in common and have met each other many times since then whether in a social setting or just alone.


Our mutual friend told me that he is not looking for anything serious. He really seems to have his own life and to be very protective of it. However, every time he declines an invitation, he explains himself and overall is careful with me. When we are alone, he is serious, likes to share things with me but kind of keeps distance. He is leaving for a long vacation in a month and my friends think that he might want to be free there.


I saw him last week and he was really nice with me as if he was letting himself be closer to me. This weekend I asked where he was and he said that he is with friends from out of town, implying that he might not be able to see me. From mutual friends though, I know that in town was a girl who is very good friends with his roommate and is madly in love with my guy. Obviously, he would never meet the two of us. So I didn't see him all weekend.


Today, I get a message from him that they are going to watch a movie and asking me if I want to come. But I had planned to meet another guy (sick of not getting attention from my guy), so obviously couldn't go and replied, I think kindly: "thanks but I am busy tonight I thought that he would not reply but he almost right away sent a message: "Oh good cause we already started the movie." ???? I was completely perplexed and did not expect this at all. It is the first time I have declined his invitation, furthermore, he sent me the message late. He has never been mean to me before and I am left wondering where this came from. Do you think I should have explained what I am doing in a greater detail? I just don't see why he would send such message. I guess there are two possibilities: he either doesn't care what I will think or he felt rejected and wanted to make me feel bad too. Furthermore, many times I have asked to see him he has declined and said he cannot make it. Why this reaction when I do it??


Well, the thing is, obviously, he is used to always having the say and being the unavailable one. It seems that this girl who is in love with him and the girls before have been all over him and I don't think he is really used to someone saying "no" to him. Also, he is overly comfortable. I really don't know how to react to this message or what to think. I did not respond at all so far because I wanted to keep cool. Any thoughts are appreciated!

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It seems as if you can already see that he feels the need to always be in control. And you see this after only a month and a half of seeing eachother, which isn't a good sign. Issues with control usually only get worse with time. I hope I'm assuming correctly when I say that this probably isn't something you'd like to deal with! You deserve someone who doesn't show signs of these control or anger issues so early on.

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I think his response was rude but I don't know if it was THAT bad - given the format (text) I wouldn't read too much into it I suppose. The bigger problem is that he is not interested in anything serious, and is behaving in a manner consistent with that: not seeing you very often and keeping you at arms length, not to mention he will be gone for a month. I get the impression from your post that you ARE looking for something more serious, and if that's the case, I think you should stop seeing this man as you are not going to get what you are looking for from him.

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To be honest I read "Oh good cause we already started the movie." as a friendly message implying that you shouldn't feel bad about turning him down. This is the problem with txt messages, what we really mean is more about how we say not what we say, and txt messages can very easily be interpreted different ways.

I would think nothing of it personally, of course I may be wrong in my interpretation and he may in fact be having a go at you, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now, you will find out soon enough if he treats you well.

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I lean towards agreeing with CRX. It may have meant nothing negatively.


But given everything you said about how he keeps his distance, doesn't give you that much attention, has plenty of options since girls are very interested in him, etc., his comment might have been a defensive reaction that reflects his need for control. Maybe. But the thing is, you won't know for sure unless you start to see a pattern with him making mean comments. Let this one slide, but if something like this happens again, you'll know he's got deeper issues! If I were you, I wouldn't respond to his message at all.

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Thanks for the replies, guys. They have definitely given me some perspective. I can see what you mean that it might not have been meant in a bad way because he has never done anything mean to me so far and I don't think he would take the chance to make me have negative feelings toward him. Every time he has done something which required explanation, he has explained and tried to make up and I have at least understood that he would not want to lose what we have right now. The problem is that he only gives when he knows he has to in order not to lose me. I don't think I am in a position to have serious relationship right now (being out of 7 years relationship recently) but I would consider it if things are right and so far, he has not shown much reliability as not wanting to lose someone is definitely not the same and wanting to be with them.

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