Blech

[Skeptic76]

I have followed almost none of the advice I received here. Latest violation: I read through months' worth of my soon to be ex wife's personal conversations with her friends all night and didn't sleep a wink. The good: I got to see this whole thing through her friend's eyes and gain a better understanding of how much influence her reference group has had in our life. I got a little better grasp on what must be going through her mind too, but as you can imagine, there was much omission and stroking of the facts in her portrayal of the situation to her friends. The better: I got to see just how OFF MY ROCKER crazy I have been for the last few months. It doesn't feel better right now, but seeing myself from this perspective adds to my awareness of what is true and real, and therefore must bring me closer to the truth and a better way of relating to it.

 

I believe now that she really didn't sleep with "the other guy" but I saw messages she sent to her friends detailing the crush she had on him. I can see that while the relationship she was having with this guy may have been flirtatious and emotional, this never had to go the way of divorce whatsoever; but I jumped to conclusions and acted rashly. Ouch.

 

After the fact, I tried so hard to get her to "come clean" that I drove her away. She didn't show her hurt feelings in her dealings with me after the breakup and I in my misery attempted through various manipulations and frothy emotional appeals to get her to show her pain...when I failed, I pulled a double whammy: 1. I took her at face value and interpreted her keeping a level head as an utter lack of lament for the relationship ending and built up my resolve to leave based on the largely mistaken belief that she didn't care anyway. Really she was just protecting herself and doing her best to accept a situation that was beyond her control. 2. I showed myself to be extremely emotionally disturbed and prepared to act on that disturbance - and who wants to be with that?

 

At the moment, I feel more resignation that anything else. Resigned to the fact that this divorce is imminent. Resigned to the fact that my mistakes throughout this whole thing were MUCH larger than I originally saw. Resigned to the fact that it is going to be horribly embarrassing to take ownership for many of my actions, but knowing that is the only way I will truly begin to heal.

 

That said, I was reading these conversations online, and was "spotted" online by somebody that we know. This person asked what "I" (they thought I was my STBXW) was doing up so late? I didn't respond and just kept right on reading, as it would soon become evident to her that somebody had logged into her account anyway. I'm torn: I have this renewed determination to be 100% honest, but I'm deathly frightened of how this may be used against me in our upcoming court hearings.

 

I have written a brief email to my two most trusted friends, both of whom are spiritual advisors, so I will surrender to their suggestions...but in the meantime I thought typing some stuff out and anonymously fronting myself in a "public" place may reveal further insight. While she has certainly made her share of mistakes during this fiasco, I realize now that it is completely useless to lay blame (with myself OR with her; it takes two) and I don't want to beat myself up (nor do I particularly look forward to getting beat up here on ENA) but I see that if I want peace I must focus on my own behavior and if/how to fix the mistakes I made and prevent myself from making them again.

 

Please do not interpret "fix the mistakes I made" as reading "fix the marriage." I believe that ship has sailed, and I have to concentrate on the present going forward and how to be the best father I can while not adding b.s. to the pile that's already there. If I could scoop up some of the pile I have left, great. But it would not be done with the intention of winning her back (that would be a great bonus, but not realistic), rather the intent would be to clean up after myself. To become accountable to myself.

[savignon]

Sounds like you've got your head in a much better place and that you're feeling more aware of yourself and taking responsibility for and ownership of your actions. Those are great things!! Nothing teaches us better than mistakes and being able to understand for ourselves from experience how our actions translate into consequences. If you've learned all of this and you've become more self aware in the past few months, then all of this pain and heartache is a blessing in disguise. Best wishes.

[LousySpy]

Damn Skeptic, my heart goes out to you bud. I've followed your story and this post has almost made me emotional. I can only imagine how you feel right now and what you're going through. But you seem like a straight up bloke who was put in an impossible situation that brought out the worst in you. We're all capable of it, it just takes someone to push the wrong buttons and she most certainly went out of her way to do that. Don't beat yourself up over it anymore, you don't deserve it. I wish you the best and hope you resolve it in the best interest of your kids from here on in.

[Skeptic76]

This forum has been a remarkable resource, even though I have a thick skull and had to learn everything that was posted the hard way, rather than just follow some of the suggestions here.

 

My "shock" is wearing off, and I'm feeling lower than a snake's belly right now...but I have new resolve to be strong and sane throughout the rest of this. I am so beat up right now....seeing that a good family life can be wrecked by a series of misunderstandings and the wall of pride is horrible - but referring back to my first post realizing that I have a choice and a RESPONSIBILITY to behave better through the rest of this is somewhat of a relief. BLECH....