How do I save my son?

[Happiest26]

My son is in a "reverse domestic abuse" situation. Not sure how to deal with it. He won't admit he's abused, and we live in a small town so the legal system doesn't believe it, either. Anyone out there who can give me a clue how to deal with it?

[nutbrownhare]

I'm really sorry to hear about your son, and can imagine the anxiety you must be going through. Abuse is abuse, no matter who the perpetrator is.

 

However, assuming that your son is a responsible adult and doesn't have a learning disability or other condition which needs you to act as a carer - this is not your business. If he's unhappy in a relationship then it's his decision as to what he does about it. If you have information about help and support for people in abusive relationships, by all means give it to him. Then LET GO THE OUTCOME. And don't persist in supplying this kind of material.

 

People only leave abusive situations when they are ready to - otherwise they're likely either to return to the abuser, or find themselves another equally unhealthy one. It's your son's decision as to what he does with his life, not yours. If he is committed to his partner then intervention from you is more likely to stiffen his resolve and be counter-productive. If he eventually comes to the same conclusions as you have, then you are there to support him and will already have insight into his troubles. But do not force the issue.

 

Of course, if you personally have witnessed him being physically attacked by his partner, then this is assault and you can report it to the police. Similarly if he has been admitted to hospital with injuries caused by his partner.

 

I do appreciate that you are very anxious and concerned for him. But, for now, you need support in handling your own uncomfortable feelings, not advice on how to control and manage someone else's life.

[blindfold]

First of all,there's no reversed domestic abuse unless he's been violent with his spouse before. So it's just domestic abuse.

If I were you I'd try to find out exactly what happens when they fight or when his spouse hits/insults/abuses your son. It is really no joke to get slapped around (contrarily to what we see in the movies where the girl slaps the guy when he does smt stupid). So after you find out what really happens, maybe you need to record it somehow, or get witnesses, and then you (if you so wish) can take legal action against it (I'm assuming this is a public crime, and so anyone can press charges).

[lavenderdove]

I think the best thing for you to do is to let him know there is support for him out there if he wants it, and that you think he is a wonderful person who deserves to live his life free from violence, and that his partner needs therapy and they need couple's therapy to discuss how to stop the violence.

 

So you can suggest they get counseling, and suggest that he has a right to have a happy life not a chaotic one, but you can't make him leave. He has to make that decision himself.

 

I just hope they bring no children into this mess, because if they do, then you could more actively step in if you think the children are being abused or having to witness a lot of abuse by calling social services.

[Happiest26]

In a nutshell, I've only witnessed verbal abuse, over the phone when he called me to help keep him calm. The last "incident" happened when they fought and she said he flicked her in the lip. He was taken to jail for domestic abuse. I didn't believe it was that simple until I read the police report. And the "reporting party" was her Grandma, who wasn't there, was, in fact, in a different town. It's just crazy!!

 

My daughter has witnessed the physical abuse. But my son does the typical thing and makes excuses. "I should have done the dishes like she asked, I shouldn't have gone out to the garage to work on her car when she didn't want me to." I know it sounds insane, but it is!!!

[Puckdog27]

In a nutshell, I've only witnessed verbal abuse, over the phone when he called me to help keep him calm. The last "incident" happened when they fought and she said he flicked her in the lip. He was taken to jail for domestic abuse. I didn't believe it was that simple until I read the police report. And the "reporting party" was her Grandma, who wasn't there, was, in fact, in a different town. It's just crazy!!

 

My daughter has witnessed the physical abuse. But my son does the typical thing and makes excuses. "I should have done the dishes like she asked, I shouldn't have gone out to the garage to work on her car when she didn't want me to." I know it sounds insane, but it is!!!

 

My ex wife used to hit me, push me, she even spit on me in front of my mother. The one time that I grabbed her by the arms to protect myself I spent the evening in jail. Notice I said ex wife. I filed for divorce within months....especially after she knew she could now hit me at will and then threaten to call the cops.

 

He needs to get out, but he needs to want to get out.