He broke up with me...there has to be something I can do.

[J-L-T]

Well, here goes...

 

My boyfriend of 9 months ended our relationship a week ago. It's because of my mental illness. I realise I put him through a lot. There was an incident where I self harmed, he took me to hospital. There were a few other times where I was suicidal. I even took some pills when he said it was over. He had to dial 999. I let things get too out of hand. Yes, I have an illness I can't just make magically diassapear. But at the same time, I could have tried harder not to act on the impulses. I could have tried harder to not be so jealous, so he felt more free. I could have helped him more around the flat. I could have tried harder to "get out there" so I wasn'r relying on him.

 

But what can I do? I've told him all this and he says he doesn't believe it'll change. I promised him I'd do anything it takes to prove it. But he just says he's not going to change his mind no mater what I say. He's sad too though. Every time I've seen him since (to get my stuff) he's cried. He says it's not easy for him, that he does love me and "miss me a bit" ( but he just can't do it. He said he feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. So he feels like that but love and miss me at the same time??

 

Yesterday I went to get more stuff from the flat. I broke down again saying the usual things, he said the usual things. I asked him for a hug. We hugged for at least a good 3 minutes. But then he said I need to go because I'm making it harder. He says he has no interest in anyone else and has always been faitful. He wants to be friend, but I said it'll be too hard. What am I meant to do, go shopping with him and a new girlfriend? And it's true, it would be too hard. But at the same time, the thought of never having him in my life, never seeing him again - it's just devastating.

 

I didn't even get any more stuff in the end. I was just too weak. I felt like my body had gone into shock. He said I can go get it another time. He said there's no rush and he'll help me if I want. He helped me with the stuff a few days before. He said it quite a few times. He's only around the corner, because we moved into a flat just around the corner from my mum. I'm now back at my mums, and it's weird knowing he;s just there. He said he's going to get rid of it eventually, because he can;t afford it himself. My mum says he has to wait until the 6 months thingy is up, which isn't for a few months. God, I don't want him to move.

 

So here I am. I just want him to give me a second chance. I want to prove that I will do what it takes to make things better. I can't just be better over night obviously, but there are things I could do different. We could be happier again like before the last month, that's when things got worse with me. I feel guilty because I know I've done him some damage. I feel guilty to see him cry. I feel so angry and ashamed with myself. I had the best thing to happen to me, the situation that I've always wanted. I was living with a man whom I loved, and loved me. I should have grabbed it with two hands properly. Yesterday he said "maybe I will regret this, but I have to go by my instinct. "We were starting to do things to make things a bit better. We had only just started making those plans, and he gave up. It was our first serious relationship.

[sidehop]

I'm sorry to hear about the breakup. It sounds like the relationship took its toll and it's just as hard for him.

 

You have to get back on your feet and focus on yourself, you can promise and try to change but if you're not changing for yourself, it will not last. You can't change for others, it's very unhealthy and it's a desperate move to keep something that's already broken. I know this isn't something you want to hear but things will get better if you focus on yourself for a positive change.

 

Do this for yourself, not him. Otherwise whether it's him or any other person that may come into your life will feel the same pain you two went through again.

[turnera]

So make those changes, on your own, and show him. You can always try to get back together later, after you've gotten your act together.

 

Are you in therapy? You're going to need to, to make these changes.

[TearsofFate]

The best way to show him is to actually change.

 

Flip it around. If he was always trying to kill himself, and said he had a mental illness would you believe he'd change? Would you hurt if he did this? You would...I know I would.

 

You don't have a mental illness. I don't know if it's bi-polar, depression, or multiple personality or anything ....what you simply have is the inability to deal with strong emotions. That is what I believe anyway. So what you need to do is really get into meditating. Go to a peaceful lake...or walk into a forest or park. Be one with nature...stop and find yourself.

 

Suicide death...mental illnesses? These are all just negative emotions that you can heal with a positive spirit. It's my goal in life to be a pleasant person who helps and loves people and animals. That is my one true goal, because I have always been so negative.

 

Pleasant humble people are so easy to be around. You automatically just love them because they are so calming and happy. But in order to become this way you need to start making some changes in your life.

 

Your ex sounds like he loves you still. He cares about you and probably thinks he just can't help you. He would love to help you...but he wants to pull away so then he doesn't have to live with the guilt and pain of you hurting yourself anymore.

 

Wouldn't it hurt you if he always hurt himself? It sucks when a loved one is so sad that they hurt themselves. My brother did this all the time...and I cried so hard...I even moved away eventually. Luckily he's okay now and we are closer than ever.

 

I suggest you meditate, find a passion, listen to some happy music. I think celtic music is relaxing and happy..lol. It's nice. Wear cheerful clothes, meet some cheerful new friends if you have to.

 

No more mental illness kay?

 

I was diagnosed with all sorts of weird mental illnesses. I shall list them:

 

bi-polar, borderline personality, depression, anxiety, chronic panic attack disorder, anti social, dependant, shy, anger issues (this came later). I couldn't make a relationship work worth a crap. Haha...and it made me even more miserable.

 

They put me on meds...and that only masked it. To get rid of it requires lifestyle changes and exercizing your brain to think positively. Seriously. I volunteer at a wildlife center and help kittens and cats..and other animals...I often give people presents and help people now. It just makes me feel so good about myself and those meds/personality problems are now a thing of the past.

 

I hope you get better soon!

[Anotherday]

Well, sorry that you are hurting. I do have some questions. Have you sought help for your illness? Also, the type of illness that you deal with may have a bearing as to whether things can be repaired.

 

I was involved with someone on and off who had to deal with my DSM IV diagnoses as well. The whole time I tried to get help, but in his case he was a jerk and he never even once had me to his place in four years, made me buy him a phone if I wanted to talk to him when I needed to, etc. Needless to say, in that situation I wasn't going to get well and stay well so the whole thing was doomed. Still, I know if someone were to ask him he'd blame it all on my mental illness.

 

Sounds like your guy got quite the scare there a few times and rightly so. Being unwell to the extent of suicidal ideation puts an unreasonable pressure on a relationship and especially one not so long in duration. My suggestion to you is to get yourself some proper help and I mean both intensive therapy and medication. You really need to become well before being in a relationship in order to have it work out. And this is work you have to do yourself, with the support of course of caring family and friends and the right professionals. After you are well, you might approach him and tell him all that you did to work on yourself. In this kind of situation, it requires evidence and time to prove yourself. It may lead to a reconcilation. It may not. In any event, you need to get well for YOU. Take care.

[Anotherday]

Excuse me, but it's somewhat wreckless to suggest to someone you've never met that they do not deal with a real mental illness. I am glad that what you did worked for you, but it may not be enough for someone else to just think happy thoughts.

 

I too volunteer at two places and try to be a good person and I still deal with real mental illness. My volunteering and being a good person has most definitely not cured things for me.

 

I think the OP really needs to be assessed by a trained professional. Suicidal attempts and/or ideation are not to be taken lightly.

[TearsofFate]

Oh forgot to mention. The personality disorders CAN run in the family.

 

My mom and aunt have panic attacks so bad they pass out. My dad used to cut and regret things all the time. Don't let this make you think that you can't help it because it runs in the family.

 

It only means you are prone to these things. It doesn't mean you are these things. It's kinda like how a child with alcoholic parents is prone to being an alcoholic.

 

It doesn't mean they are one. It has to do with what road you want to take in life. You need to choose a road that is happy and that will defeat this.

 

I managed to get rid of my 6 year long panic attack disorder without meds. I simply meditated.

[TearsofFate]

Excuse me, but it's somewhat wreckless to suggest to someone you've never met that they do not deal with a real mental illness. I am glad that what you did worked for you, but it may not be enough for someone else to just think happy thoughts.

 

I too volunteer at two places and try to be a good person and I still deal with real mental illness. My volunteering and being a good person has most definitely not cured things for me.

 

I think the OP really needs to be assessed by a trained professional. Suicidal attempts and/or ideation are not to be taken lightly.

 

I never said it wasn't real. It is real, but I don't think it's something permanent and as controlling as some people think. I wrote it wrong. It's like some people will always believe that they are sick,...so in turn they are always sick all the time. So it is real, but only because they believe it is.

[Maverick32x]

Ok, just to close out the offtopic postings- you're talking about psychosomatic diseases, where you mentally "will" a disease to occur.... this may or may not be the case... without a professional input you're just guessing...

 

That being said- mental illness is a permanent issue. If you're going through these intense moodswings and you're just trying to "Happy Face" your way through it.. its not going to work...

 

If you have heartdisease, it doesnt matter how much you try to "Happy Face" the heart disease away, you're still going to have it!!!!

 

That being said, much like a person with heart disease, you need to figure out ways to co-exist with this condition.. be it taking medicine or changing your habits..

 

It sounds like your issues really started to drain on him, and I think the best thing you can do, maybe not for this relationship, but for future ones as well, is to try to get some help.. recognize when you're going through these issues and figure out a way to stop them!!! Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You seem pretty self-aware, so I think you'd get some benefits from this~

 

also, I'd stop hanging around him, or finding excuses to see him.... Its obviously very hard for him right now, and allowing him to sort this all out is probably for the best.. plus since you mentioned that he lives close to you, I assume he knows that if he wants to talk to you, you'll be there for him~

[J-L-T]

I am getting help. But to be fair the help here isn't all that great. I have a therapist who I have only been seeing a couple of weeks. But I've had professionals involved since I was a kid on-and-off (I'm 21 now) Most of them are not helpful. No, I am not self-diagnosing or anything like that. I know I have to make changes for me. But I feel like I just want those changes to happen with him still as my boyfriend. I just wish there was a magical line, or action, I could use to "get him back" I love him to pieces and genuienly believe this was too soon. We had fun and good times too, I just wish he had stuck with me. It's like I don't believe he really wants this. Maybe I'm being stupid, I don't know. He just looked so sad. I wish he had sat me down and told me I was going to lose him, if I didn't make some changes. That is his weak spot - he's not the best at communication, he admits it himself. He said his desicion was on that day at that time, it just built up. This is just wrong though. It's not the way this is meant to be, we're meant to be together. I keep thinking of him with another woman, and it's such an awful thought.

[turnera]

No offense, but the way you talk is honestly kind of juvenile. As in, like you'd hear a 12 year old talking about marrying that Pattinson actor. 'Meant to be together'...well, obviously not! What you're describing is what YOU want and what YOU think and feel. But that's not what a relationship is. It's being mature and accepting that you can't make someone do something just because you want it - you have to look at it from his side and ask yourself what caused him to give up on you. Honestly look at yourself from his side, and determine to change that stuff that sends people away.

 

If you can work on looking at things in a more logical, less 'feelings' way, it may help you reach that point that he's talking about. And who knows? Once you do that, he may be drawn back to you.

[TearsofFate]

What I wrote isn't off topic. I was trying to help, just like everyone else. I don't she think should learn to co-exist with a life threatening issue. I mean, suicide is dangerous. It's like saying "Okay I'll co-exist with the fact that I may or may not hurt myself and damage relationships with this".

It's better to try and eliminate it so it isn't an issue anymore. Everybody gets mood swings and sometimes it goes so far that people do end up killing themselves. Like, if someone is negative with the fact that they have heart disease, then it will make it worse, medication or not. But if one is positive about it, they will emit positive emotions that will help them cure it.

 

Like for example, maybe they'll search around for information and find out that you can cure heart disease by drinking 2 full glasses of water 2 hours before eating every morning...it's a japanese remedy. It's further explained.

 

You can't be with him now, as things stand, but you can work for a better future.

[Seymore]

It can be exhausting for someone to deal with another person who has a mental illness. You can't magically make it disappear, but you can take steps to better yourself. See a therapist, if you aren't already.

 

I left someone who was/is quite possibly mentally ill. It was bar none the hardest thing I ever had to do in life. My frame of mind was "How many chances will it take before she makes an improvement instead of simply saying she will? How can I trust her? How much more of this can I take?"

 

Sure, we hear "I'll change", but if we don't see it (or see it for only a week or two), then eventually we feel like we're being led on. It's a roller coaster ride that nobody should have to put up with. And the change has to come from within YOURSELF, none of this "I'll do whatever it takes for you to take me back". Don't say "I'll do". Just DO. YOU have decide to make that change for yourself, because if you do it for him, you're not going to be able to keep it together.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[J-L-T]

About my stuff - should I just go get everything at once and be done with it? I hate the hurt of seeing him, but at the same time I really want to see him, and it hurts anyway. And if I leave my stuff, I'll just have to go get it at some point anyway. It will make it seem so final though. But at the end of the day, I can then go NC and hopefully give him space to possibly miss me and change his mind... it's going to be so hard to hand him over that key. *sigh*

[Seymore]

About my stuff - should I just go get everything at once and be done with it? I hate the hurt of seeing him, but at the same time I really want to see him, and it hurts anyway. And if I leave my stuff, I'll just have to go get it at some point anyway. It will make it seem so final though. But at the end of the day, I can then go NC and hopefully give him space to possibly miss me and change his mind... it's going to be so hard to hand him over that key. *sigh*

 

This is the perfect opportunity to start SHOWING that you're interested in changing. I'm not saying you will do the following, but if you're thinking of it DO NOT: Smother him and make incessant attempts to contact him after you give him that key. If you haven't pushed him away enough, 500 phone calls isn't going to make him change his mind, it's going to push him away. Give him that space.

[J-L-T]

What should I do/say to him?

[J-L-T]

Maybe I should do it when he's at work?

[turnera]

Just ask a friend to go with you. That will take the pressure off. Going while he is at work is not terribly honorable. Just face your issues.

[Anotherday]

Maybe I should do it when he's at work?

 

I don't think you are understanding that YOU have to get well. And you've told no one in this forum just what your Dx is. Now, dear, if you're schizophrenic, you have a long roads ahead. So, first, be honest with YOU!

 

It's not about getting him back. It's about getting well so you don't put the next person through the same living hell, with all due respect. It's about GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK! Yet I don't think you get this...

[TearsofFate]

About my stuff - should I just go get everything at once and be done with it? I hate the hurt of seeing him, but at the same time I really want to see him, and it hurts anyway. And if I leave my stuff, I'll just have to go get it at some point anyway. It will make it seem so final though. But at the end of the day, I can then go NC and hopefully give him space to possibly miss me and change his mind... it's going to be so hard to hand him over that key. *sigh*

 

Do some research online about break ups. You'll find out that calling them, talking to them, texting them, and even seeing them makes them want to push you away more. Don't make them feel bad either. You have pushed him to the point of leaving you...so you don't want to push him more. The best way not to push him, is to leave him alone. This will give him peace of mind, which is what he is craving, and it will also show him your strong and mature. If you can walk away from the break up it will show him that you are very strong.

 

The best remedy is time and space and during this time you have to change. I went through a break up that ripped me up inside. I started going to school, eating healthy, working harder, going to the gym, bought a bike to go bike riding and got into photography.

 

After 7 months my ex said "You know, out of all the people I have ever known in my life I have never seen anyone make such a drastic change." and he offered the relationship back. I turned him down politely even though 7 months prior I would have glomped him. On your path to healing you will realize all kinds of things about yourself.

 

Also, you not only want to change for you, but also for your future. Like your future family, kids, future house, car, dog, career and all that. Right?

 

As for picking up your stuff, pick it up when he's home, with a friend. Don't cry. Just do it, and don't give him hugs. Just get your stuff and go. This alone, will show him your ready to stop dwelling and take a step for the better.

[J-L-T]

He's back on the dating site we met on. After just a month. I can't even explain how this feel. I'm in so much pain right now. It says on his profile he wants to "hang out for a laugh, nothing too serious at first" I can't believe he wants to meet other girls already! I signed back up on there too, kind of out of spite I guess. But also because I'm lonely. I want this pain taken away. Now I'm thinking what if he sees me on there and think I don't care anymore?

 

All my stuff is back now, so there's no excuses to contact him. He's JUST around the corner. I have to pass our old place everytime I go anywhere. It's such a kick in the stomache. He said he still loves me, that it won't be easy for him to move on. Yet he's back on the dating site?! It's hard to get my head around.

[turnera]

Some guys just don't want commitment. Just want fun. You were too much work, in his eyes. Based on his 'for a laugh' comment.

 

My DD19 tried to date a boy a year younger than him, and tried to stand up for herself (I hope you aren't expecting me to come to your car...you need to come to my door to pick me up) - that kind of stuff. Well, that was just too much work for him. He was a high school senior, out for fun. Now she's home for the summer, and they're hanging out again, but he's keeping at a distance, 'just for a laugh' and all. Some guys are just like that.