Trust my instinct?

[misspriss1419]

A few days ago I made a post about my boyfriend constantly lying to me about dumb things. Im talking MULTIPLE times. We ended up talking about it on the phone for a while and I THOUGHT everything would be ok. Even though we ended the conversation on a civil note I still have this weird feeling.

 

This weird feeling has really made me question our relationship. In some ways I feel like that last lie was the last straw. Last night he texted me when he got off work telling me he was home and about to go to bed but I dont know if I can trust that that is the truth.

 

Now I am questioning every aspect of our situation. I look at everything ive done for him (bought him tickets for the Redskins season opener vs the Cowboys, I stop by his work to say hello, I ALWAYS drive over to his house to hang out, I surprise him with things, I never lie to him, etc etc) and I wonder what is it Ive done to deserve all the lies.

 

Then I think about things he has done/said to me. I work at a night club so I am always around guys. One co-worker complimented me telling me that he was not fond of the dresses we are required to wear because it doesnt flatter the nice body I have. Whether or not that was a TRUE compliment or a "pick up line" (even though hes married) it was nice to have someone compliment my body rather than making a comment that I have small boobs or that if I want to look like the girl on the poster I would have to lose some weight (both things my boyfriend said). There are guys that come in the nightclub and genuinely want to take me out which is not a feeling I regularly get from my boyfriend. Last weekend my boyfriend even told me he was rushing sex because he was ready to go to sleep.

 

Im just tired of feeling this way.

[_Asti_]

What is making you stay in this relationship?

He doens't make you feel good about yourself, he puts you down, he belittles you, you don't trust, him he doesn't make an effort...so what is so great about him?

[faithful14]

what is his reason for thinking it's okay to lie to you? Because I don't think I would be okay if I was being lied to all the time either.

[misspriss1419]

what is his reason for thinking it's okay to lie to you? Because I don't think I would be okay if I was being lied to all the time either.

 

The other night when he told me he was going home and would text me when he got there (which was at 1130pm) and then at 318am I had to call him to make sure he was ok... his reason for "lying" was that he didnt lie, his plans just changed. Other times he has lied his excuses were that I would get mad, he was peer pressured into doing it, etc.

 

His story for that night also changed. When I talked to him that night he said his phone was in a drawer at work and a waitress spilled beer and it leaked into the drawer onto his phone. Then the next day he told me that his manager had bought sake bombs and those were spilled on his phone. He also didnt remember telling me the night of that something was spilled on his phone.

[savignon]

What is making you stay in this relationship?

He doens't make you feel good about yourself, he puts you down, he belittles you, you don't trust, him he doesn't make an effort...so what is so great about him?

 

These are some great questions to ask yourself!!

[turnera]

Why do you stay with someone who doesn't invest time in you like you do for him?

 

And a liar will NOT change his stripes. It is how he learned to avoid integrity and responsibility. He's not going to just wake up and change.

[HeartGoesOn]

You can't change him, that has to come from within. I'm sure that you wouldn't accept this kind of treatment from a friend, why would you accept this from him?

[misspriss1419]

Why do you stay with someone who doesn't invest time in you like you do for him?

 

And a liar will NOT change his stripes. It is how he learned to avoid integrity and responsibility. He's not going to just wake up and change.

 

I am seeing this now. I thought it would change when EVERY time he lied I would tell him that Im not going to get mad if he goes out with friends to have some drinks but it didnt. There must be more to the story? Who knows. But then when we talk about it, he trys to flip it on me like Im nagging him about lying and that I made him feel like a complete for lying....which he is. He gets mad b/c its the same conversation over and over again but he never changes it. Somehow its my fault for having the same conversation over and over again.

[misspriss1419]

He also said that if I accused him of cheating that he would just laugh and wouldnt shed a tear (whatever that means) because hes not. What am I supposed to think when all the guys he hangs out with from his work cheat, the girls he hangs out with from his work pursue guys with girlfriends, and he lies???

[_Asti_]

Once again, I will ask...what is so great about him that you are in a relationship with and choose to put up with these behaviours?

 

The fact that he thinks he's doing nothing wrong will only just reinforce he won't change because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

[misspriss1419]

Once again, I will ask...what is so great about him that you are in a relationship with and choose to put up with these behaviours?

 

The fact that he thinks he's doing nothing wrong will only just reinforce he won't change because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

 

I guess I thought that since we got along well, minus the lies, had similar interests, didnt fight a lot, minus the lies....that that was great.

[_Asti_]

Yes, but he doesn't respect you or the relationship, doesn't treat you properly, takes you for granted, belittles you, puts you down, etc...thats not a partner. Thats not someone who loves you and values you and cares about you.

 

In my opinion, without trust, there's nothing. Trust is such a huge thing, its a building block for a good a relationship. The fact that he doesn't respect you or the relationship enough to give you some basic honesty, doesn't say much.

[turnera]

If you really want to know what's going on, take a trip to the library and read up on things like lying and family patterns. He LEARNED to lie in childhood. It served him well. It kept him from having to acknowledge his issues. It got him out of trouble. Most likely, he never had to own up to anything he did wrong, because he always lied about it and people believed him and looked to see if someone ELSE did whatever it was. It TAUGHT him that he can lie whenever he wants to do what he wants to do and not ever have to answer for it. No adult ever caught on and took him to the woodshed for a spanking, so to speak, so that he would learn that you have to own up to what you did wrong.

 

So how is he supposed to learn now? He can't.

 

So you are stuck with a guy who will NEVER own up to what he does wrong, and will ALWAYS pick some lie out of the air to cover what he does, just so that he can do what he wants, when he wants, with no consequences.

 

I PROMISE you, that is not husband material.

[faithful14]

you should stand up for yourself and not allow him to continually disrespect you.

 

Don't let him make you feel unworthy or make you feel as though you're a crazy person.

 

Your needs are just as important as his and if he can't respect that, then you need to show him that you won't put up with it anymore.

[arcadefire]

He may seem like a great bf, but if there is no trust, there is no relationship. If he continually lies to you, then he's not a good bf.

[Luna Sea]

If you're looking for long-term relationship material, he's not it.

You can do much better. A guy that you get along well with, have similar interests, don't fight a lot with (well, some arguments are inevitable), AND also respects you, appreciates you, and is honest with you.

 

If he's lying to you about these little things, you gotta wonder what else he's hiding from you.