Losing your first love

[nightlady]

Here I am 35 years old and just realized I fell in love for the first time. I was married for 10 years, but the whole thing was a lie and I just didnt realize it.

 

Our first date, I didnt really like him, I was already seeing someone anyways but was looking to end it, so I wasnt ready but we just had dinner and talked. well he got sick and I lost interest. We still texted and after he was better we went for a picnic. Just got better everyday since then. We had the gf/bf talk and we started fallingin love. Short time later he found out he was losing his job and we havent seen each other in 5 weeks. WE text, but hes so depressed he wont even see me. WE agreed to see each other casually, but still hasnt happened. I miss him so much. I feel like it is over but he says he still has feelings for me and that has never changed.

 

I want to move on as this is taking too much of a toll on me, as i cry everyday becuase he wont see me, but the reason he wont see me is becuase hes afraid to see me cry. I told him i wouldnt cry..id be so happy to see him again. Hes just afraid hes too much of a loser to me since my ex was un employed by his choice for 6 years and i had to take care of him.

 

Any words of wisdom. I know time heals all wounds, but i never been in true love before. So do i sit around and wait or do i just get out and see whats out there and hope he comes around. Im so lonely, i dont have many friends, but i can get a date fairly easy.

[KittyBoo]

Get out there and move on. There wouldn't be all of these complications if it was meant to be.

[Cadence44]

Responsible men can feel really insecure and unworthy when they are unemployed. On top of that, I'm wondering if he remembers some choice words that you may have said about your ex's unemployment and now fears that you think the same of him.

 

I might try writing him a letter and explaining that you feel like he is your first love, and that you know that he isn't like your ex and that his unemployment is not his fault. I think he needs reassuring that you will still love him unconditionally and that you believe in him.

 

But I don't get the "afraid to see me cry" thing. Does that mean he doesn't want to face the pain he's put you through by ending things?

[mentee]

It looks like he's pushing you away and letting on that his unemployment is the reason (though there could be other, more hurtful reasons). Also seems that the relationship is pretty much over as you've said he only agreed to see you casually (and has not even done that). You should write him a dignified, non-pleading letter letting him know how you feel about him and reassure him of any possible things he may feel insecure about. Maybe he doesn't want to see you bc he has decided he doesn't want a relationship for whatever personal or non-personal reason and seeing you may either make him feel guilty or make him fall in love with you, which is something he may not want to happen. We don't know the real reasons, and even he may not either. Just write the letter and consider going into No Contact. Go out and try to meet others, it'll be good for you to see what else is out there. If he comes back, great. If not, great too. Because you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you as much as you want him.

[savignon]

My advice is to let him know you're still interested whether in a card, letter or phone call and then back off and let him contact you when he's ready. I can't imagine unemployment by itself would keep someone from dating someone they're interested in. The fact that he doesn't ask you out casually or suggest getting together or accept any invites seems to me like he's either not as interested as you are or he's really slipping into a depression regarding his circumstances.

I'd take a last stab at getting him out (invite him to dinner...your treat so he feels no pressure about money) and let him know you really care for him and hope that you can keep things going since you both have feelings for each other.

Best wishes.

[nightlady]

I did take one last stab at it this week adn thats when i decided to end it, but then he reassured me how much he cares and he still wants me in his life and we decided to still see each other. Hes been suffering from depresssion since his dad died 2 yars ago and we were really happy together, but thenthis happened and a good friend of his died and all these other little things are piling up and he doesnt want me to fall into his problems. I told him i dont care as im strong enough right now and willing to be there for him. I told him hes not my ex and im not his. His ex left him for someone with more money. Seems were stuck in a catch 22.

[savignon]

I don't think you're as stuck as it feels. He's telling you he wants you in his life and you're letting him define when and how that will take place. If you want to SEE him and he doesn't want to see you, then it's okay for you to decide that's not really what you want and move on. Too often some of us women and men just take what we can get and excuse it with the other persons issues/problems. Then at the same time we feel unfulfilled, left out, hurt, rejected, sad...etc. If it's not working for YOU, then YOU get to decide to look for something that makes you feel good, wanted, desired, valued and so on.

[findingawayout]

Are your issues with your ex holding you back? why would someone sit on the couch and draw unemployment for 6 years anyway?