Is this my fault?

[blackgnat]

I have a 21 y/o son who is bi polar and abuses drugs and alcohol. I've posted about him before.

 

Yesterday I took him to a friend's house (his license is suspended and he can't drive) about a half hour drive away. I told him I'd pick him up, but that he should try to stay overnight if he could. He called me at about 9pm to see if it was still okay for me to pick him up. I said yes and he said, "well not now, but I'll call you later" I didn't hear from him so I assumed he was staying the night.

 

At 3 am he called and wanted me to pick him up. I said no, I had been sleeping and it was too late. I told him to stay where he was and I'd get him later in the day. He called again at 3:30 and 4 with the same request and I said no.

 

At 6am I got a call from the police. My son had been wandering round the neighborhood, highly intoxicated, knocking on people's doors. The police were called and he got a ticket for Public Intoxication.

 

He is already on probation for heroin possesion and that'll be over in October. Unfortunately he got an underage drinking ticket last year that he hasn't done anything about. He has to go to that one in July (it's in another county) and now this is the second one. It could mean a petition to revoke his probation and he could do jail/prison time.

 

I'm so sick of this. On the way back from the station, he was calling me all the names under the sun, spitting on my dashboard, kicking the glove box. He said I was selfish and it was all because I couldn't be bothered to get up and get him. He said I am an effing , a moron , an imbecile and he hopes that I die.

 

I realise how codependent this sounds, but IS it my fault? None of this would have happened if I had just got him.

s

[turnera]

He needs to go to jail.

[doityourself]

Time for Intervention

 

Or he will end up in jail, or dead

[doityourself]

and no way is this your fault, your son is an adult and as an adult has choose the way he wants to live his life.

 

Do not take blame nor have guilt for what he is doing.

[preciousgirl82]

Do not EVER blame yourself for his behavior. There is no excuse for his actions and the names he called you. You are fighting against two big things here: your son's bipolar disorder and his substance abuse. I agree with the others. He is a danger to himself and others and needs help immediately. The best thing you can do for your son right now is to get him into therapy. Your son may need to be medicated (if he's not already) and he definitely needs intervention.

[Shauny]

NEVER blame yourself, it is his choice, you don't control his life. He did what's wrong. Don't feel guilty at all. You try to help him obviosly, so you should feel like you have tried.

[FarthestEdge]

Your son needs help.

 

However, I would like to point out that to HIM you said you'd pick him up. What appears to be missing in the exchange, is clear boundaries/expectations.

 

He called me at about 9pm to see if it was still okay for me to pick him up. I said yes and he said, "well not now, but I'll call you later" I didn't hear from him so I assumed he was staying the night.

 

You could have said something like, "I'll be happy to pick you up, but NO LATER than 11:00 (or whenever). I have to work tomorrow. Otherwise, you'll have to get a cab home, or stay the night."

 

Yes, to you and I, it seems reasonable that you're not going to get out of bed at 3:00 in the morning to go pick him up. But to a bi-polar drug addicted alcoholic, the whole world is about THEM. And you said you'd pick him up...So he expected you to pick him up. You didn't, he got in trouble, so he is going to blame you. Addicts tend to have an external locus of control...nothing is ever their own fault, and no amount of reasoning will change their perspective.

 

Just something to consider. I think you also may want to ask yourself if you are enabling him. Did you know he'd be drinking/doing drugs where he was? If so, why would you agree to take him there and bring him home when he'd had enough?

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I am not blaming you for the way he IS, but how you handle him, and what you accept from him can have an impact.

 

I suggest you be crystal clear on what you are willing to do, the conditions and the consequences of him not respecting your boundaries. I'd also be very clear that the next time he talks to you like that, or gets himself arrested, that he will have 2 choices: Move into a rehab and get help, or move somewhere else..But either way, he can pack his bags, because you will not be spoken to like garbage and intimidated in your own home.

 

I'd tell him I love him but I realise that at 21, he's an adult. If he wants help, then by all means, I'll be there for him. But if he wants to continue down his path of self-destruction, I'd make it clear to him that I would not support it, enable it, or watch it unfold, and he can do it somewhere else.

 

Easy to say, I know. He's not my son. But IMO the right choices are seldom easy.

[BellaStranger]

It sounds like high time he started taking responsibility for his own actions and facing the consequences- just like everyone else has to.

 

I agree with everything FarthestEdge said above, it's time to get tough, make yourself PERFECTLY clear about everything you are going to do and then DO exactly what you say- no more, no less. Make sure he realises that you can only protect him so far- you can not protect him from the law!

[HeartGoesOn]

He's an adult, and he needs to experience these "hard knocks" in order to straighten out his life. These are the choices he made on his own, and nothing here is your fault.

[ladyjp]

Dear Blackgnat,

 

My Sister is bi polar as is my ex- husband. I Sister drinks and abuses her anxiety medicine while on her anti depressents for her bi polar and this is what I know of that. I am no doctor but this is what I have been told and seen my Sis go thru with her illness

 

It doesn't matter at this point who is or isn't at fault. Of course you are not at fault but you know that. You need reaffirmation from people because he continues to use you as his crutch and as his excuse to keep using. It is a what came first the chicken or the egg at this point because you cannot drink on meds for bi-polar and other drugs of course, interfere with his bi- polar meds. So it is difficult to know what is causing what.

 

I believe he needs to be committed to a pysch ward for him to detox off everything and get physically and emotionally stable before you can even think about anything else.

He needs to detox in a controlled environment because you are playing russion roulette if you take him off things cold with his being bi- polar and suicide is a high risk at that point.

 

If you can get someone he doesn't manipulate and he respects to help him understand the need for hospitalization right now it would be the start of a healthy future for him. Otherwise I fear the worst.

[blackgnat]

Thanks for all the comments and replies.

 

I do have a dysfunctional/enabling type of relationship with him and I'm trying hard to break it. Kicking him out is not an option for me because he has nowhere to go, no money, etc and I can only envision a disastrous ending in those circumstances.

 

I think there's going to be one anyway...

 

He's not on meds,has no medical insurance. He's done short-term, outpatient rehab and detox several times, but keeps returning to the self-medication route.

 

As of now, he feels that jail/prison is inevitable and appears to be stoic about it. I just keep thinking, "If I had picked him up at 4 am, he wouldn't be facing this".

 

The probation period for his felony is over in October-I just feel he's damned by his actions, because the judge will surely extend it or give him jail/prison time. I don't have any objection to the disciplinary idea of incarceration if it turns someone around, but it's the other stuff, the violence and sexual abuse that goes on in there. He's a skinny little guy, absolutely the stereotypical target for a lot of bad things. That's why I've worked so hard to try and keep him out of jail/prison, because I can't bear the idea of what could happen to him and I know he can't bear that either. He's told me he'd rather commit suicide.

 

That's why I feel so wretched about not picking him up. I know, we have a lot of problems, right?

[turnera]

I understand, I really do. But you have to realize that you are HURTING him by covering for him. Do you understand that? Experts have gotten this down to a science, and people with addictions HAVE to have a strong support system. You are not being strong, you are being weak. You are letting your guilt overtake your common sense.