Up down, all around, it's useless.. no.. I'm useless

[startinover]

I used to be worth something. I used to be worth a lot. The bullying and abuse knocked me down. The rest of life tore me down.

 

Despite the fact that my parents would be devastated (they have a good amount more to go), the rest of my family and friends would be sad for a day or not give a * * * * because I've been broken down and lashed out so much. I tried to pull it together, but I don't have it anymore. Not only that, but in between, I screwed up so much. I can't forget about the things that happened no matter how much I want to. I'm not young anymore. I've become an alcoholic, a dependent, and I can't think of one single reason not to do the deed. I'm worthless. The important ones don't even notice, some do notice, some don't care, nobody knows what to do. Honestly, it really is on me at this point.

 

I had so much more to offer. I really did. So much. But no one will ever want or love me at this point. I just don't have the strength to fix this. I wish I could go back in time and stop the things that happened but I can't. They all gave up. I don't blame them. It may not happen today, tomorrow, or next month.. but it's going to happen.

 

It's really sad. I can help people. I have. But really, all I ever wanted since I was little, was to have a simple life to share with someone I love.

[doiiiieeezie]

I can tell you one thing... no matter how much you screw up or think that you did, there is always a chance to start over tomorrow. You are far from hopeless.

 

Take out a blank sheet of paper and write down the goals that you still want to achieve and do. Now take one of those goals and make it reality... and start loving yourself more in the morning.

 

No matter what you have done, there is always a way to change it.

[startinover]

I can't do it

 

I've tried. I screw up so much in between. No one can fix me. I've tried. * * * * this. * * * * this life ;(

 

I can't stop crying...

[turnera]

Please call 911.

[avman]

Hey buddy. Please give 911 a call. They will be very nice to you and work to get you some help. You do not have to feel this way. There is help available to get you on the road to feeling much better.

[doiiiieeezie]

Call a crisis line or 911... you are worth it and it is fixable.

 

Please ask for help.

[startinover]

I was a smart cute kid. I was really happy. I could have done things. I could have changed the world. I wanted to. I loved everyone. But they beat me down. Even the ones I looked up to and the ones who said they cared. This isn't just a call for attention. I fought. Hard. They * * * * ed up horribly. No one ever made the effort to me like I did for them. Most don't even notice. Why should they? What for? So many better things to pay attention to. Like themselves. They never fought for it like I did. I wish I was like everyone else now.

[startinover]

Run. Just run away. Or turn your head. Better things to pay attention to. Like TV. Oh man... whoops!!!! Someone screwed me again!!! Time to run! Don't face what you did. Don't make it better. Just run away, never talk to me again and take care of yourself.

[Dako]

Get help. There's no shame to reaching out.

If I hadn't looked for a hand when life sucked I wouldn't be here at all.

I thought life was torture beyond my tolerance but now I love each day and give to others.

 

Call for help and help others.

You can do it.

[startinover]

I'm at a loss for words. Even here no one wants to talk besides intervene and then disappear. Why would I call 911? My life would be over at that point. Who would have faith in me? Who would give me a chance? Hire me? Love me? I guess my fate is written. Screw it. I need to be put down.

 

Edit: Ther is shame in reaching out. A lot of it. How do you go back from that?

 

I am such a caring person. How did this all happen? How??

[turnera]

There is NO shame in reaching out to professional people whose SOLE JOB is to help people like you who have reached bottom.

 

May I ask, exactly what is it you think people have done to you? You keep saying 'they'; who is 'they?'

[doiiiieeezie]

There is no shame in reaching out ever.

 

You mentioned that your life would be over at the point if you called 911- but you are here, looking for a way to end it, or are you looking for help? Why are you holding on to pride when the bottom is under your feet?

 

Look, a lot of us (myself included) have been where you are currently, and I am not going to kid you, it's never the same. But how are things now? I mean asking for help is a step forward to getting out of the hole you are now facing. And to be honest, no one here is professionally trained to help you. We can guide and give our opinions, but this does start with you.

[startinover]

They is everyone. I always helped as much as possible but everytime I asked for help or needed something I didn't get it. Everytime my needs were important they weren't .

 

The abuse I received was consistent and ruined me. It was at school. I was pressured too much and forced into too many things I despised growing up. It was torture and more people messed with me at those things.

 

I worked through and accomplished hard things through 2 physical/mental diseases. When I had them I was told I was crazy or lying. Now years later after recovering I never even got an apology or understanding.

 

People got what they needed, but ran me over and shut me down when I needed or wanted something. I wasn't good enough for it apparently. No one ever stood up for me.

 

And now I've worked 2.5 years at a job I hate after surviving severe mental trauma over something horrible that happened a few years ago and I need a break and to take care of me. Yes I know I'm 30 and th economy sucks and I'm living with family, but I'm human though and I've survived a lot. I'm such a good person and have so much to offer. People are insane. I'm not selfish or lazy. I just need a break ;(

[turnera]

So turn yourself in to a mental health clinic and LET them take care of you. That's what they do. LET them.

[doityourself]

The only reason for you to do this is for yourself, youve seen how good your life can be, youve seen the happiness, the peace.

 

You can get back there, yes its going to be hard work, but I can tell you that its harder where your at now.

 

Please reach out for some help. If the feelings are to overwhelming go to the hospital, call 911, do what you have to survive. Dont let your life end like this, dont feel ashamed, we all have questioned our lives.

[turnera]

They is everyone. I always helped as much as possible but everytime I asked for help or needed something I didn't get it.

So accept that life is not fair. That's not a reason to kill yourself. My husband and I have had so much unfairness heaped on us it's like a landslide, but we accepted it and moved on.

 

The abuse I received was consistent and ruined me. It was at school. I was pressured too much and forced into too many things I despised growing up. It was torture and more people messed with me at those things.

So, kids harrassed you? Teachers did...what? Your parents signed you up for activities you didn't like? Please explain.

 

I worked through and accomplished hard things through 2 physical/mental diseases. When I had them I was told I was crazy or lying. Now years later after recovering I never even got an apology or understanding.

It's not someone else's job to apologize to you. For anything. It would be NICE if they did, but it is not someone else's requirement. It's time to learn the difference between what you want and what you are owed.

 

People got what they needed, but ran me over and shut me down when I needed or wanted something. I wasn't good enough for it apparently. No one ever stood up for me.

Are you talking about abusive parents or just friends who used you for a ride to the mall? If it's the former, you need mental help to deal with the abuse; if it's the latter, you need to do some thinking, and realize that people DO use other people; it's human nature. I imagine no one ever thought "Hmmm, let's go over to startinover's house and mess with him; it'll be fun."

 

And now I've worked 2.5 years at a job I hate

So determine what you have to do to get into a new job. There are billions of jobs in the world; you just have to pick what you want, and make plans to go for it.

 

after surviving severe mental trauma over something horrible that happened a few years ago and I need a break and to take care of me. Yes I know I'm 30 and th economy sucks and I'm living with family, but I'm human though and I've survived a lot. I'm such a good person and have so much to offer. People are insane. I'm not selfish or lazy. I just need a break ;(

If people are telling you you're selfish or lazy, they are either (1) selfish or (2) abusive or (3) telling you the truth. Either way, it's in your best interests to ask yourself WHY they are telling you so you can deal with it. If it's (1), who cares? They're a selfish jerk and you don't need to waste time worrying about what they say. If it's (2), find an appropriate mental health outlet to deal with the grief of having abusive people in your life and move forward. If it's (3), it's time to be honest with yourself and sit down and analyze what about you makes them feel that way, and ask yourself how you can change for the better.

[startinover]

Family didn't teach me healthy boundaries growing up. Early life peers insulted harassed and bullied me to a pulp. I was a good looking, great person in my early 20s, but from childhood and until now it was robbed from me because I had no self esteem and wasted it away. Everything I did, everywhere I went I was a target because I was short and skinny and well dressed. I was always told to suck it up and that I was imagining things or that I was exaggerating. I literally learned to live in fear and shame and hurt.

 

I'm 30 and although I realize everyone's different, I'm far too often contemplating what's appropriate and what isn't. I don't know what I'm owed or what I'm worth. I get paid far too little, am expected to take exams I don't want to even take, and with commute included, my day is 12 hours long. I couldn't move out no matter how badly I want to. On a good week I'm able to save $100 a week but things happen. There's no end in sight and cost of living keeps going up. I've lost all my friends due to insanity that occurred a few years ago piled on top of everything before that. Take a person with weird behaviors to beginwith, throw some crazy things at him, never teach him a thing and take advantage more, and turn him loose and who wants to talk to you anymore? I'm a complete loser.

 

My father was verbally abusive and his expectations were so out of whack with reality that I was never "allowed" to do anything. The man is in complete denial and hypocritical to this day. My mother is an angel, but always listens to him and still enables that behavior. I wasn't used for a ride to the mall, I was used for everything, someone to talk to.. anything. I let people walk all over me and take advantage. To them I was just a toy to be played with, and discarded afterwards. Somehow I developed this horrible fear of being alone and separation anxiety and was totally used for it. I was never worth anything to them. After 20 years of this going on, I finally woke up last year, but realized that almost no one was worth keeping. The remaining friends all have different lives now. I have no one to turn to or confide in anymore.

 

I need a break so badly. I just want to live again for a little while, a few months without responsibility. I've neglected myself for so long. But all I do lately is drink my life away because I have so little peace or time and I just don't care anymore.

[turnera]

Well, the first thing you can do is stop drinking. I guess that's where your $100 a week goes, right?

 

I'm trying to point out to you that everything you describe...is your IMPRESSION of stuff. Your FEELINGS. Your decision.

 

If you're not willing to get medical help, no one can make you. But the problems you describe are all - at THIS point - self-proscribed.

 

YOU have the option to spend an hour every night filling out job applications. YOU have the option to call up United Way and get medical help. YOU have the option of talking to your boss and negotiating a different situation. YOU have the time to read books or listen to self-help tapes to pull yourself out of depression. YOU have the right to face your parents and friends and tell them how you feel.

 

But you are doing nothing.

 

Why not?

[startinover]

"you you you YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

 

Okay. Do you know what it's like to be abused constantly?

Maybe you do.

 

How about beating a drug addiction, completely stopping because your sister calls you telling you she's getting married and you decide to stop and change everything because you care about her.

 

 

Then you meet your first love. She's your everything. But she pressures you? Like everyone else did and you need a LITTLE space? Not a breakup, just space "please don't pressure me"

 

How about you get back together, then find out she got raped in the interim? Then having her mother blame you because you two weren't together. Then having her leave you after one argument, 3 years later, when you're fully in love and totally want to marry her, and she moves on and meets someone else, moves in with him and she calls you to rub it in. And end up marrying him.

 

How about beating a 7 year latent lyme disease, and something else, while getting screamed at from all sides that you're lazy when you're actually in full blown mental and physical pain, and still completing college somehow because you're pressured to keep going?

 

Then you meet your second love and she leaves you for church. The SAME church that you got abused at growing up. You're pretty much over it, but you just don't feel like going back. Again, you're in love. Once she realizes things, she is in a new relationship in a WEEK after nearly a full year together. She doesn't look back and she basically spits on the relationship.

 

You manage to push through that. Keep going. Then, eventually you meet someone you knew in college. A real sweetheart. Someone you really really liked from a long time ago. She stalls. You tell her you can't get involved with someone who is still involved with someone because you're been the "other person" too many times and it never works and it hurts. You're okay with leaving but you need to know now because you don't want to get hurt. She agrees and then 3 weeks later you find out her boyfriend dies from a drug overdose. You're in shock. You had nothing to do with it. You're an outsider. You had already beaten drugs. Now they're front and center. Do you leave her? Or do you stay and do your best to help? She's the sweetest person ever. She's everything you ever wanted. She is okay with your flaws. She's distant and odd at times but otherwise wonderful. You do your best and help. Even though you feel responsible and it's starting to crush you.

 

That same year, you lose both your grandfathers, your best friends' mom who you cared about, and your friend's brother.

 

Your most recent girl doesn't pick up the phone when the first grandfather passes, leaving you alone to deal with it. Then when you press her about what's going on, but you can't really because she's still not okay, she leaves. You then find out it was because she was on drugs and she hadn't been when you first met her a long time ago. Your work is basically trying to tell you that you're lying about your first grandfather's death because you just started the job, and you're erratic, so you have to show them proof. A manager calls you out on a few things, you tell him the truth and try to hold it together. You get to keep your job.

 

Then you're alone, you are struggling. You can't cope anymore. You start lashing out. You end up with a DUI. You go to see your second grandfather overseas before his passing. You use vacation time to see him on his deathbed, because you love him, and then come back. You live in a rural town and you have no transportation. Your family ends up taking you to work for months. You are alone to cope with everything and everyone thinks you are at fault. You basically lie to your job and blame the economy for not being able to drive around. You're a consultant so there is the potential for several companies watching you like a hawk. You use your remaining vacation time to take mandatory classes and a few random days just to breathe.

 

You get through it. You work. You back off from all relationships for 2 years. You rarely go out or do anything. You read like hell, like you did before to figure out how to mentally work things out. What's happening and what you've experienced and what you're doing wrong. You figure it out logically, but every once in awhile you freak out in public. Is it surprising? Should I be condemned? Apparently.

 

You need a break. A serious break. Now.. it's about time. The economy sucks. Your boss doesn't want to budge. You signed up for a job that involves random clients and you don't get a raise unless you pass exams. You can't even consider exams but they want that. You work despite your mental health being at 0. And now, despite the fact that 1 year has passed since your DUI (which will never happen again because you never ever wanted to hurt anyone), and 2 years have passed since your last trauma (except for fake friends using you, which you have now eliminated, a good thing, but made things even more empty), you NEED A BREAK.

 

 

Oh yea, your family is still demanding and saying you're lazy. They don't listen. And not only do you get up at 5:45am to get home at 6:30pm everyday, fully outisde most working hours for outside help, but you're scared * * * * less that if you are exposed about anything, you will never work a day in your life.

 

 

Am I still lazy? Do I still need to be proactive? Or can I take a few months off?

 

The above is all true. Thanks for throwing it at me like everyone else does.

[startinover]

A couple more things. You wonder why you were spared and you have somone's loss of life on your conscience, even though you had NOTHING to do with it, and you worry about your ex everyday, scared to death expecting "that" phone call. You also wonder if someone will someday go crazy, and plot a revenge against you. Despite the fact that you had nothing to do with it, people are irrational. And furthermore, how do you meet someone new and move on with all that baggage? How?

 

I am a perfect example of "bad things happen to good people". You can't care about everyone, and you shouldn't. I'll be damned if life didn't throw impossible curve balls at me. I finally paid attention but look at all of this. Darnit, if no one is paying attention... I HAD TO RAISE MYSELF!

 

On top of that, I act somewhat dominant sometimes, although I'm working on curbing that, because I'm scared * * * * less of being walked all over again, further pushing me away from the few friends I DO have. I have to ask, would you be submissive after all this? Would you risk it? They DO walk all over you when you let them. It's the hardest job in the world to be destroyed, and not be defensive!

 

Time goes on, things hurt less. But I need some peace in my life, I have put my time in, I am tired. I need to put the stop sign up. I need a break, at least for a little while

 

Please don't quote me, I will clear out these messages in a few days, because I have to. I have real rational logical difficulties despite how far I've come.

[turnera]

I'm sorry if you think I'm ragging on you. I'm trying to get you to see that you DO have options, you have choices you can make, you CAN move your life forward. Everything you describe is bad but not life-ending-worthy. I've seen people come back from far worse because they chose to. So choose to. Go ahead and be mad at me. At least that's better than sitting and wallowing in self-pity without changing what's making you unhappy.

 

You can't change your past, but you can direct your future.

 

You don't like your job? Spend your time searching for jobs instead of drinking. Join the Peace Corps and go out and do some good for the world, which will make YOU feel good in return.

 

You don't like your family? Tell them so and walk away and never look back. Take back the power you give them over you.

 

You don't like your friends? Get off your couch and go out and meet new ones. Take a chance on people at work. Or clients. Or figure out where you've got 2 extra hours a week and sign up for a club or class or hobby or craft or meeting that fits in those two hours.

 

You don't like yourself? Buy an exercise video and start exercising and get rid of the alcohol and eat/drink healthier stuff and start feeling better.

 

What kind of break do you think you're going to get? Dying won't solve anything, especially if you believe in God and heaven.

 

You have options, startinover. And I do get your pain. I've spent the last 20 years not caring if I wake up in the morning. But I have obligations, so I DO wake up. But it is in each of us to find the way to get help if we need it, and USE that help to become a good citizen of this planet and make a difference. You sound like an intelligent, caring, GOOD person - the world needs you. Don't let that go to waste. Give yourself a break by CHANGING your life.

[doityourself]

Starting Over-

 

Wow, you have had constant stress most of your life, I have to been there and it’s so hard to get a grip on why, why it keeps happening, why you just don’t die, all these whys, why were I abused, why I don’t have people who want to support and help me.

If you’re looking for someone to say its okay to be mad as H_ll then you have me in your corner, scream get mad, go out and beat up a punching bag if you have to but don’t let that anger determine how you will spend your days.

 

I have come to terms that there are things that happen in this world in our lives that we have no control over, no matter what we do or how hard we try. I’m so sorry you were abused; I understand that constant reminder of what you went through and how it can control your thoughts and put you in a dangerous place of wanting to lash out, to hurt like you’ve been hurt.

 

I agree that you can’t love and like everyone, hell there are to many evil people in this world, but you cannot wrap your world around people that are toxic, that live toxic's lives. You have to be able to see the good in people. I hardly talk to my family and when I do it on my terms not theirs and if they don’t like then I suggest they don’t call.

Job is another story, you have to work, you have to pay bills, that’s just the way it is and most of us are unhappy in the position or the people that be work with, that’s why it’s called work and not play.

 

You made it through a lot including drug addiction, abuse, and whole lot of BS that should have never happened, why give up now, why now when its all over and done with. You made it through it, don’t tell me you went through all that torture, pain, suffering to just give up now.

 

Just know you’re not alone in how you feel and that your life can change for the better. It’s all up to you!

[turnera]

I have found that people in situations like yours who go through grief counseling - like with Dr. Kubler-Ross's method - can let go of a lot of that pain and open themselves up to happiness. It's like shedding a skin, kwim? Be mad, mad at the life you SHOULD have had but didn't. I had to do that with my dad - allow myself to be mad about the dad I got stuck with - and then shrug it off. It helps a lot.

[startinover]

Turnera. I've been pressured and forced and bullied into impossible positions all my life. Rather than speaking to me with love and understanding, the one thing missing my ENTIRE life -- you think the solution is to pressure me like everyone else did? You are next in line, to convince me that my feelings are still not important, are still useless.

 

"Screw you and your problems, work work work". I HAVE. You are asking me to try harder, and harder, building more pressure even though I'm redlining and everything's going to blow.

 

No, I will not tolerate that anymore because if I do I will be dead. But you know what? My feelings ARE important. More important than more pressure or a worthless thankless job. Thank you for your time in writing me, and I'm sure your solutions are fine for someone who sits on his ass all day. But honestly, my feelings matter more than anything else right now. They have been numbed to DEATH and I had no one on my side. Congratulations on you and your husband's accomplishments. Must be nice to have someone be warm and caring in between difficult times and a push in the right direction.

 

Thank you doityourself. Your words mean the world to me right now.

[andi8172]

How strange is it that im reading youre thread listening to john lennon sing just like starting over so iguess theres something in the song spread youre wings andfly away somewhere alone.people hired you to do a job because they needed you and if they dont believe you about youre granddads death then call them out on it say heres the death certificate now go do one.youre right youre feelings are more important than anything else right now if work is hell make it fun,like if some puts a cup down, hide it itll drive em mad looking for it LOL and give you a grin too .so you drink heavily thats a tough one!buy a bottle andpour it down the drain itll really hack you off that youve just poured money down the drain or stay sober for a day or two and look at the drunks around you acting like idiots slurring their words they look like such idiots youll think i aint gonna be like that GOOD LUCK BUD !keep posting