Friend says never discuss it. How to reply?

[Elisian]

I have had a really good friend as an email pen pal for a year now. I met her in Singapore and we kept in touch because we got along really well. Then in January I told her about realizing I was gay and then about a crush I had and what he was like. Unfortunately she didn't take it so well and she told me she had to think about it and to give her some space. So we stopped talking for two months and I thought, oh well, I guess that's it. But now she sent me this e-mail saying that she'll only continue communicating if I never discuss homosexuality or any part of my life involving it again. So I wrote an e-mail in reply that I haven't sent yet and I want feedback on. Is this a good response, or is it asking too much? Here is the e-mail and response I wrote.

 

 

Dear Elisian,

 

This is a long overdue email.

 

Okay, here's how it stands.

 

I believe homosexuality is immoral in God's eyes.

However, I cherish you, Elisian, as a friend.

You have made and you are making decisions for yourself and while I may not agree, I respect you as an individual.

Plus, we're friends. haha, pretty much nothing changes that because you are my friend regardless.

It's a choice I made, to be your friend.

However, as a friend, I ask that you respect my views, even as I respect your decisions.

I love to hear how you are doing, but I do not want to know or read about your various crushes anymore, or pretty much anything related to homosexuality.

They are neither encouraging nor are they right to me.

If you will continue, then I will not hesitate to severe the lines of communication

because while you are important, my God is of far more importance to me,

and I dearly want to please Him and honour Him in all I do.

Which includes who I associate with, speak to and hang out with.

 

 

I'm afraid I have to have you agree on that before we continue correspondence.

 

Yours sincerely,

Good Friend.

 

 

 

 

 

Good Friend,

 

I've missed you and I'm glad to hear from you.

 

I agree with you in the sense that I'd hate to end our friendship over such a petty disagreement so I'll swallow my pride and agree to not discuss that aspect of my life (not that I have much left to say there, I’ve discovered a wonderful group of friends who accept me for who I am) and anyway people are much more than their orientation, so really it’s such a silly thing to shun someone for.

 

But I digress; I'll respect your beliefs if you will respect mine.

 

Ugh, can I say something first? I feel like this is so... well, you’re the first person I've been friends with that has rejected me for this, and I'm just confused about how to proceed with you. I feel like by never discussing this we're just sweeping it under the rug and anything we discuss from here will be like a mask. I've been so open with you about my life; it just feels like two steps back in our friendship.

 

Maybe I should put it in different terms. It would be like if I told you that I was Jewish and that I didn't believe in Jesus and that I believed you were going to hell for that, but I would be your friend as long as we never discussed your beliefs. Wouldn't that make you angry? Being Christian is part of who you are, it doesn't define you as a person, but it's still important to you and I doubt you'd want to maintain a correspondence with someone who outright told you to never discuss or even mention anything to do with this part of yourself. Would you agree to it? Would you feel like you were being honest with that person?

 

I'm not saying you have to agree with my beliefs or that by being my friend you are even accepting them. I've been friends with Hindus, Jews, Muslims, etc. and that doesn't mean we never discuss religion. If anything, having that diversity makes our discussions even richer. What I'm saying is that we should feel free to have these discussions without feeling the need to convince each other to believe what we believe. It’s important not to take discussions involving religion personally. To be able to see through the eyes of another without having to agree with them, that is wisdom.

 

So what I'm saying is that I won't talk about my crushes or anything like that, but if the morality of homosexuality comes up I think it would be ok to discuss it without taking personal offense. That much I can agree to. I look forward to hearing from you and I still think you are a remarkable person.

 

Yours,

Elisian

[thisishell]

Personally I don't think she is a real friend. A real friend would accept you as you are and not put conditions on the friendship. Friends come and go in our lives and this "friend" needs to go.....JMO

[Taikero]

I love to hear how you are doing, but I do not want to know or read about your various crushes anymore, or pretty much anything related to homosexuality.

They are neither encouraging nor are they right to me.

If you will continue, then I will not hesitate to severe the lines of communication

because while you are important, my God is of far more importance to me,

and I dearly want to please Him and honour Him in all I do.

Which includes who I associate with, speak to and hang out with.

 

By saying this, your "friend" has basically said as long as you can agree to not speak about being homosexual, then all is fine and dandy and your "friend" can pretend you're just one of the heteros, when you're not.

 

Your friend doesn't accept you for who you are, only for whatever view of you they want to have so their delicate religious sensibilities aren't offended.

 

I would drop this person so hard and so fast it would figuratively break their neck.

[Len]

lol this girl pisses me off just by reading what she wrote.

[chiefoptimizer]

I really like your response to her. I won't say outright stop talking to her as if she's not a friend, but I think the way she has made an effort to overlook her disapproval is a good thing, and I think you have a wonderful opportunity to change her mind. I'd say agree to it, yet, don't hide anything about your life, ie. still mention your crushes and what's going on. If it gets to the point you need to hide the fact that you just went out with someone and want to share the joy but have to say "Oh I was hanging out with friends", well then that's the cue to drop her.

 

Your response was amazing!

[Iceman26]

Jesus, when I read her post, that song that creepy guy sings in Poltergeist 2 was in my head....God is in his holy temple.........Yikes!

 

I digress. This girl isn't your friend, because a friend wouldn't tell you what you can and cannot talk about, and a friend accepts you for who you are.

 

 

Leave her to her "God".

[Elisian]

Thanks everyone for your feedback, I really appreciate it. I went ahead and sent my response to her and I'm curious how she'll reply. I guess I just don't want to lose her friendship because I love hearing about cultural differences and practices. And when we used to e-mail back and forth her e-mails always brightened my day, plus she helped me through my depression last fall. Ironically in both that and coming out she was the first person I spoke to. Unfortunately, in this case her religious literalism has made her sound like a real bigot. I think it’s just a cultural shock for her and I hope she can look past that and be a little more accepting. Interestingly, although Singapore is a very advanced industrialized country, it also has laws against public displays of homosexuality, and the underground movement against this has been oppressively stifled.

[lukeb]

She was never your friend, she just a penpal. I guess I don't get how you feel such a connection to someone you have never even met.

 

If we were talking about a real life friend, I guess I would say respect him/her wishes to deal with your sexuality in the short run in their own way, but eventually if they can't come to terms with it, it is saying that they don't accept you. It would be a deal breaker for me.

[ceez]

I hope it all goes well, but if she can't accept you for you I would let her go. I don't get where they think its ok to judge people like that, judging is supposed to be a sin. at my church its a handful of unmarried pregnant women that no one says anything about but as soon as someone mentions homosexuals the whole church gasps, plus there are scriptures in the bible that support homosexuality but of course no one mentions it. sorry for rambling but this topic really ticks me off.

[Elisian]

So here is her response. At least now we’re discussing the issue. She thinks I’m being a little hasty in my “decision” so I’ve replied with my research to back me up. I know the language has a very religious bend to it, but I’m just speaking the language here.

 

 

Hey Elisian,

 

Yeah, I agree entirely with your last paragraph. That was the plan. Discussions on homosexuality lie only on theological grounds.

 

Well, I agree with the bit about discussions with people of different beliefs about beliefs do enrich the discussion but it's slightly different here.

 

I say I'm a Christian.

You say you are a Christian.

And yet something I see as sin, you see as orientation and a matter of belief.

 

And Christianity is not just a part of who i am, it's a whole lot more than that.

My identity is in Christ.

I am defined only in Christ.

Apart from Christ, I am nothing.

 

And nothing is going to make me give Him up.

 

About the paragraph about taking two steps back, decisions beget consequences.

Perhaps this was not a consequence you'd expected, it's a consequence nonetheless.

 

Elisian, have you actually given serious thought and done research about this decision more than you have gone with emotions and what people say or what your society or culture says?

Just like the decision with taking your life, you did research, you looked it up, you thought carefully about that decision before making your decision and I respected you for that.

Perhaps you could do the same truth-seeking that made me respect you, regarding this.

 

I guess I am strong-willed but I don't care that I'm the only person who doesn't agree with you.

because I don't just believe what God says, I know it to be true.

 

Life has been exciting here in Singapore.

 

Yours firmly and gently,

Good Friend.

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Good Friend,

 

I'm happy that at least we are talking now. And I'm looking forward to talking about lighter stuff, but this discussion is very important to me.

 

Yes, I have done a ton of research on this. You know me, and that's just how I am, when something new enters my life, I want to know everything about it. I've looked up all the angles, particularly the religious ones. I've discussed it with my parents and with a Catholic priest. So I'm certainly not making any hasty decisions.

 

The most useful book I came accross was given to me by the priest. The priest is a close friend of my father and he gave me a book called The Children are Free: Reexamining the Biblical Evidence on Same-sex Relationships. It is the most thorough and well researched book I've read on the issue from a Christian point of view. It takes each of the six passages (there are only six) in the bible (old testament)that have been used to bash homosexual relationships, and explains them in the context in which they were written, even going so far as to take the original Greek in which they were written to explain some of the words and their meanings. It also tells you were to find the passages in the bible and the books the research was taken from. In a nut shell, it shows that the homosexual relations the bible was saying were wrong were related to the pagan ritual practices of the time. When the bible was written, it was common to have young men participate in fertility rituals in which they engaged in sexual relations with the priests that followed this pagan religious tradition. This practice meant that the men were practicing sexual relations that were not natural to them and were occurring outside of a one on one committed relationship. The book then goes on to show several scriptures in the bible that affirm loving committed relationships between homosexual couples. One of the most interesting was how Jesus responded to meeting a gay person in two separate instances. Jesus actually breaks several of the rules of the old testament, such as Sabbath , to show that people were becoming to legalistic, following the bible by the letter rather than listening to God with their hearts.

 

It’s also important to note that the bible has been used to support the persecution of so called witches, prevent women from getting the right to vote because they were meant to be subservient to men, supporting slavery in the United States, and persecuting non believers of Christ through torture. If people were really listening to God with their hearts rather than allowing the bibles words to be twisted out of context for political purposes do you really think these practices would have been supported?

 

On a different note, I didn’t one day choose to be attracted to men any more than you have chosen to be attracted to men; it’s just the way it is. Just as you can feel it would be wrong for you to be with a woman, I would feel the same way with a woman. It’s just the way God made me. Now yes, I can choose to be alone for the rest of my life, just as you could, but I don’t think that’s what He wants. I think love between two people is precious, no, matter what the gender, and I think the last thing God would want is less love in the world. And by this I mean the spiritual love that exists between two people committed to each other for life.

 

Oh, and homosexuality is still not culturally accepted where I live, so finding people who are accepting is a matter of finding the right people. I certainly have never seen a single sex couple in public and homosexuality is generally portrayed in a negative light, so culturally, I’m definitely on my own. I have to draw support from my own convictions, as I’ve always done. I’ve never been one to follow the crowd. I’m more of the martyr type. So that much we have in common.

 

I’d love to hear about what’s new with you!

 

Yours

 

Elisian

[iBroken]

Wow - you are very eloquent in your writings.

 

I agree with the others - she is really not a friend if she will shun you because of your homosexuality.

 

I like your response to her - As a homosexual myself, I often wonder about alot of points you raised. I wont point them out as I dont want to turn this into a religious debate.

 

Im sure you might be able to find a new penpal. Maybe even a gay one who faces the same struggle and challenge as you. If this person is a pen pal, I would throw it away and look for a new friend.

 

Good luck

[Elisian]

Actually, as soon as she stopped writing to me I accidently found a new pen pal who is also gay and from the Philippines, so if I lose her it’s no big deal. I just want to debate it out first. It’s not often I get the opportunity. And plus, I don't like throwing away friends just because we can't agree on something. It seems so ridiculous.

[chiefoptimizer]

Gosh, yeah your writing is amazing! Good luck with getting her to accept you completely but even if she doesn't you will have more friends in the future anyway, so it's no big deal

[FathomFear]

I agree with the others - she is really not a friend if she will shun you because of your homosexuality.

 

I'm not a religious person whatsoever and don't wish to turn this into a religious debate thread, but sometimes we need to employ a healthy dose of empathy (despite how hard that can be) towards people like the OP's pen pal. From that person's perspective they are being asked to chose between their god(s) and a friend. The former is going to win out.

 

I mean, I have friends who think I am going to Hell because of my homosexuality. I still regard them as friends, though. They just happen to be friends who have certain thoughts/opinions dictated to them by a particular doctrine. As GLBT people I think the worst thing we can do is cut these people out of our lives; that's not going to convince them of anything. Being friends with them and demonstrating that we're not such bad people after all, however, will.

[Elisian]

Thanks chefoptimizer and ibroken for the compliments and feedback. And FathomFear, I was wondering when you'd comment, your posts are usually very insightful and along the lines of what I'm thinking. Thanks everyone, and honestly I think I do want to convince her that she can still follow her faith and be my friend without disregarding her values. I think that breaking off my friendship with her would be for the same reasons that she wanted to break off the friendship with me. I would be doing exactly what she was going to do back to her.

[chiefoptimizer]

Yeah, I like what you're doing, but please make sure it doesn;t get you down. I agree with FathomFear, although I don't feel empathy but sympathy. Treat people with religionis with sympathy but make sure it doesn't hurt you.

[AlphaFemme]

Honestly, it seems like she is being incredibly open and trying to balance deeply held beliefs with her desire to be your friend. When I came out, I lost several Catholic and LDS friends. Some have since come around-- but they don't want to talk about sex or romantic relationships because they feel obligated to proselytize. Tolerance works both ways. As you continue to grow and experience new relationships, you will find yourself holding your tongue about a lot of topics-- most of which will have nothing to do with sexuality. If you really feel like she is being 100% unreasonable and you should be able to discuss sexuality with someone who doesn't share your beliefs... well, it's time to cut it off....

[Elisian]

Thanks AlphaFemme. After reading what you wrote, it struck me that maybe I was too overbearing in my previous e-mail, especially considering that I haven’t received a reply. I wrote a follow up e-mail. I hope you don’t mind that I practically quoted you in part of it. Let me know what you think.

 

 

Hey Good Friend,

 

I was thinking about it, and I think maybe I got carried away in my writing. I guess I'll just have to bite my tongue on sensitive issues. I don't want to offend you and you've been incredibly open, trying to reconcile your deeply held beliefs with the meaning of our friendship. Sometimes I just go on and on about issues that people just don't want to discuss, and it just causes them to shut down and tune me out. I know I do that with my sister sometimes, so sorry about that.

 

I really am interested in hearing about what's new in your life, so whenever you're ready, I'll be listening.

 

Yours,

 

Elisian

[AlphaFemme]

I hope it works out for you, mate. Being gay will suck sometimes (no pun intended), but as long as you're true to yourself, life will be an amazing adventure.

[Taikero]

After reading your back and forth, I find it offensive and a double standard that God can be clinged to for identity when you can't really escape being gay as part of your identity.

 

I mean really, it's rather bigoted, and I think you should say so to this person. God said love one another, not "love only those who conform to your interpretation of what is right."

 

I'm not trying to make this religious, but really, if you're going to proclaim being Christian and following the Bible, nowhere does it say or imply you need to estrange others for being homosexual. Regardless of how other interpretations go, that is simply not there and this person is allowing their interpretation of their belief system to get in the way of your friendship, maybe for the reasons they express, or maybe for some other reason and this is just a convenient excuse.

 

After all, wasn't it fine before that you used to talk about these things? Has it always been uncomfortable? If not, maybe there's something deeper here for this person than just you being attracted to men.

[MikeG]

Elisian I apologize for getting to your thread so late but I have just recently signed on a part to be on this board. I am very sorry that your pen pal was not as accepting to you as others were. I truly respect that you reacted with maturity and did research. Maybe this person will turn around someday or maybe not. In the end though you can firmly say that you stuck up for yourself and held your head high. If in the end this person cannot accept you then it is their loss not yours. I know how hard being gay can be. It took me so long to accept it as a part of me that I did not have to be ashamed of. I am christian myself and had good experiences and bad experiences with Christians. just remember true Christians love their brothers and sisters because God loved them. I hope things work out for you in the end it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good heart.

 

Mike