He's proposed moving in together again.

[ilwam]

My Ex and I are working things out and getting back together. Things are going okay and we started talking about our future plans. My lease ends in November... He has brought up the topic of me moving in with him then. Thing is that in early 2008 I "moved in" (not everything but most of my stuff) for a few months but it didn't work out; it was too early in our dating to take any serious step. I since decided I wasn't going to be a live-in girlfriend. I want to be engaged at least if we take that drastic step because once you're settled into living together, why even get married? I don't want to find myself in this situation where it would be a huge conflict to have to leave again because the relationship didn't advance to engagement and marriage. I know his personality and he'd really like that comfort and convenience of us living together without him having to commit to marriage. And it would stay that way. Then I'd have to threaten him and move out down the road which would be devastating on many levels. I am NOT going to do any of that. I think I'd like to keep my own place and my own life. If he is ready to get engaged, then we can move in together. But not before that. Anyone else go through this decision making process too and feel like you made the right (or wrong) decision??

[Cognitive_Canine]

You're just now getting back together. I'd treat it like any other new relationship and wait until you've been together for a year or so before moving in.

 

You can't just jump back into this relationship. It was broken before. You need to make a new one from scratch.

 

Do you feel like he wants to get married?

[lavenderdove]

Just being engaged won't protect you from him refusing to set a date for the wedding etc. So he could give you a ring, and then once you move in, he starts stalling again.

 

I would not move in with someone unless you were engaged AND had a wedding date set in the near future (i.e., within 6 months or less) of moving in together. The living together time would be focused on planning the wedding and getting ready for it.

 

So i'd tell him you'd be happy to move in with him if you get engaged AND you've set a wedding date within 6 months of moving in together. And if he tries to postpone the wedding after that, you're out and you're done.

 

So if he's not comfortable yet getting engaged and setting a wedding date, then don't move in together until he does. And if another year or more passes without proceeding to engagement and setting a wedding date, then you have to decide whether perhaps he never wants to get married at all, just wants someone to live with, in which case your goals aren't compatible.

[ilwam]

You're just now getting back together. I'd treat it like any other new relationship and wait until you've been together for a year or so before moving in.

 

You can't just jump back into this relationship. It was broken before. You need to make a new one from scratch.

 

Do you feel like he wants to get married?

 

Yeah I know we need to improve on all of our issues first but our issues arent so bad, nothing out of the ordinary. From now until November he has to decide for us to get engaged. He was ready to plan for it a few months before our breakup then he started second guessing everything again. His main reasoning is that marriage is just a piece of paper and why can't we just be together. He always tries to reassure me he's committed to me even without marriage. If he's committed then why not just get married as I want. Then I start to wonder WHY truly he doesn't want to get married is it really because he doesn't think he can be faithful to me for a lifetime. I wonder a lot of things but bottom line I want to be with someone who wants to be with me to. I want someone who mutually wants to get married. I feel like a big loser to "force" this on someone.

[ilwam]

Glad to see someone else agrees with my pov. I don't envision myself living separately from my Love our whole life. I am ONLY going to move in together if we get engaged and are actively planning to get married. It tears me up that I might have to walk away. Should I even get back together with him then? Maybe reconciling just isn't a wise thing to do at this point. This is a decision I've got to make with my head 100%. My heart would make me stick around so much longer. This really stinks.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, it is hard, but i honestly believe that if you've been dating someone for a while (two years or longer) and they refuse to even discuss the topic of marriage at all or say they want it years in the future, this is someone who doesn't want to get married. They either don't want to get married at all, or they're not sure whether they love you enough to marry you, or they value their freedom so much they don't want to hinder that freedom by committing to a marriage.

 

Someone who really loves you will not let you walk away if after a few years you say you want to get married or be set free to find someone who does. Anyone who balks and refuses at that point would probably never marry you regardless.

[Devchonka]

Your last sentense is the smartest thing I've heard a girl in your situation ever say. Have your own place, date the guy, and when and if he's ready to commit he will. And if he's not, you are set up living on your own and there's no fighting over wasted money, stuff, etc.

 

What's going on in yoru relationship sounds really messy and messy things don't end well.

 

I think people are too busy moving in together quickly and not giving the relationship a chance to develop into something that is real and lasting for 60 years (or finding out it's not), not enough time is spent dating. People need to be engaged and possibly married by the time they move in together, moving in together involves being linked through money, this leads to a lot of problems between people that have no contact with each other. Also, fighting escalates.

[luv2bfit]

You're very wise to think of things this way... I wish I had done so myself. Like you I feel couples should date for X amount of time and once engaged then move in together, then down the road marriage.. But moving in together should be the step because you plan on a life together... I don't like the whole "playing house" idea just for fun or "we'll see how it goes"...

 

My bf and I have been dating almost 14 months and I moved into his house after 8-9 months.. we talked a lot about future, engagement/marriage, etc. so I felt it was safe to do so. I know he is planning to propose (I snooped and found something I shouldn't have lol) but he still hasn't done it yet.

I would put $$$ on it that if I had not moved in with him yet, he would have already proposed months ago!

In a way I think moving in makes a guy feel "too safe" and they almost start to take you for granted as if they know you aren't leaving anytime soon so they can take things at their own timeline.