feel like crap... need some support... went NC

[Kia-Kaha]

Hi,

 

So some of you will know me from my other threads and will know that I have been really struggling with my break-up (3 1/2 year relationship, 7 weeks ago).

 

I had been trying to do NIC and keep the communication going where possible because I do honestly believe that we could work through our issues and have an amazing life together (and communication was one of our problems).

 

Had a horrible conversation recently where I told her that I thought we could get to the root of the problem, fix it and move forward together and make sure it never came back and she told me she had been trying for a long time (I just didn't know) and that she could not see how things would be different if they weren't different last time.

 

We have both admitted that this break-up has been emotionally exhausting for us, both of us miss each other, cry long and hard over the other person and have been struggling with depression since the breakup. But still she doesn't seem able to work on the issues with me.

 

So I officially announced NC last night. I told her not to call unless she was willing to start trying to work on us and that I would not call unless I got to a place where I could only be friends with her.

 

I know a lot of people are going to say this is the right thing, so why does every part of me want to call her this morning and ask if she is ok? Hurting her feels so horrible and I never wanted to do that...

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

I do not want to get over her, I want to get back with her and have the amazing life that I know that we can have together.

[Cadence44]

I know a lot of people are going to say this is the right thing, so why does every part of me want to call her this morning and ask if she is ok? Hurting her feels so horrible and I never wanted to do that...

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

I do not want to get over her, I want to get back with her and have the amazing life that I know that we can have together.

 

Yes, the sentences above tell me that you are doing exactly the right thing. Remember, you are no longer in a relationship and therefore you need to put your wants and needs above hers. If you are worrying that your actions hurt her, you are still in relationship mode. Simply put, you are no longer together, and NC is what you need for you to finally accept that and no longer make her the center of your universe.

 

She broke up with you and is unwilling to work on the relationship with you. What else is there for you to do other than accept her decisions and get yourself back to you? Nothing. NC all the way.

 

What you describe about not wanting to get over her and wanting that 'amazing life' is not unique to you. Everyone goes through this when starting NC. Realize that she broke up with you and wants to get over you. She no longer wants that 'amazing life' with you. NC will help you realize this, accept it and move on.

[biggerheart]

If you think you can get to the root of the problem, I think time alone really helps that. You need a little space to really be able to see things as they were. After I broke up I wrote down my thoughts on what happened and what caused it, right after it happened. A week after thinking about it in "we had such a good thing" glowing terms. Again after I really tried to think of everytime we had a fight, or talked past each other, or failed to meet each others needs. I could do a write up now and say completely different things. I would not have moved in my appraisal if we did not have the time apart.

 

Something to think of, you had three and a half years to work on the problems. I'm sure at one point you mentioned needing to fix them. What stopped it, or did you try? If you got back into the relationship now, would you have any new tool to help work on the things you could not fix on your own before? If you go back in admitting the problems you need to fix, but find yourself unable you may both build resentment. Believe me. If you are saying we need to fix it, you should have a gameplan you both agree to. And, I realize part of my response is projecting my wish I could haves on you, but I guess everyone's answers come with their own biases. Good luck whatever happens.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I think the one thing we have to do is realize that you can almost never 'fix' something in a relationship. It is all a process. But regardless, I agree that you have done the right thing. You don't need to keep existing with such pain.

[Kia-Kaha]

Something to think of, you had three and a half years to work on the problems. I'm sure at one point you mentioned needing to fix them. What stopped it, or did you try?

 

This is the bit that has been driving me insane. Somewhere along the line, we stopped communicating about our relationship issues and so didn't discuss the problems / try to fix them. Some of the issues I am not sure if I still actually know. I believe with every part of me that if we could communicate about the issues, we could begin to fix them and make sure they never came back up. It just depends on whether she is willing to do this, which right now she doesn't appear able to.

 

It's so hard when the person you love just can't bring themself to work on the issues, especially when you know that they could be fixed.

 

If you got back into the relationship now, would you have any new tool to help work on the things you could not fix on your own before? If you go back in admitting the problems you need to fix, but find yourself unable you may both build resentment. Believe me. If you are saying we need to fix it, you should have a gameplan you both agree to.

 

This is my big problem right now, I don't know how to fix it but I think that if she were willing to work on it we could develop tools and a gameplan to make sure that the issues didn't arise again.

 

I feel like I am walking away from the best thing I ever had when every part of me just wants to fight for it, because I know that we could be head-over-heels in love and married etc if we could begin to fix it together.

 

If this is the right thing to do, why is it so ****ing hard?

[Kia-Kaha]

Realize that she broke up with you and wants to get over you. She no longer wants that 'amazing life' with you. NC will help you realize this, accept it and move on.

 

Last time we spoke, she told me that she misses me like crazy, thinks she has been depressed since we brokeup, is finding getting over me to be sooo hard, and that this is the hardest thing she has ever had to do.

 

I pray that NC will make her realise what it is she has lost and that she will call soon and want to work "us" out. I know she cares for me, and I have told her that things would not go back to the way they were, because there is no way I would let that happen again. I know where that road leads to.

 

I know this is the right path, but it is against everything I want and everything I think we need to be doing.

[Cadence44]

Last time we spoke, she told me that she misses me like crazy, thinks she has been depressed since we brokeup, is finding getting over me to be sooo hard, and that this is the hardest thing she has ever had to do.

 

I pray that NC will make her realise what it is she has lost and that she will call soon and want to work "us" out. I know she cares for me, and I have told her that things would not go back to the way they were, because there is no way I would let that happen again. I know where that road leads to.

 

I know this is the right path, but it is against everything I want and everything I think we need to be doing.

 

Completely understandable. Remember that actions are more important than words. She may eventually realize what she is losing but until she takes actions toward repairing things, those words mean very little.

 

What you're doing is ending the painful limbo that you've been in. If you're honest with yourself, you don't want to be in limbo. You want a relationship with her. Right now she isn't willing to give you that so you have to do what is best for you and end this limbo state and start moving on. That's what you're doing with NC. You're also beginning the process of reorganizing your priorities, which is a completely healthy thing to do after a relationship has ended.

[Kia-Kaha]

I just find it so hard to leave it all totally up in the air. When I know that we could be married with kids and totally in love with each other if we could just sort out these issues, and then she is not willing to it drives me insane.

 

I feel like going NC was my only option, but not one that will ever get what I actually want. Part of me wishes I had never announced NC and just continued with being NIC with her calling every 4-5 days. At least then I still had the illusion of us being connected.

 

I don't see how NC will help us work on our connection and issues, it just feels like I am walking away from something that I really want. I hope I have the strength to do this if it is the right thing.

 

I guess Day 1 is always going to be the worst day right? I have barely slept for 6 weeks, I am exhausted and she is feeling depressed and misses me. Why will she not work on it with me? (rhetorical question, more from my frustration than anything).

[marshmallito]

She says she has been working on it, I think that she is saying she has tried everything already (right or wrong).

I once broke of an engagement. I know all these years later he still wants me. But after years of trying with him, putting everything I had into making things work, he never made the effort to make the relationship work. If at some point he had put a massive effort into winning me back, not expecting me to keep working... meet him half way... do it for him... I would have given him another shot. He would have shown me he had legitimately changed, that he wasn't just talk, he was a man who would go the extra mile and would be worth taking back.

I am projecting again, but can't help it after reading those words.

 

If you are both that exhausted from this break up, you can't make rational decisions, or have rational conversations. Some NC time is necessary. You need to breathe. NC won't end the relationship, but it will help you gain some perspective.

[Kia-Kaha]

She says she has been working on it, I think that she is saying she has tried everything already (right or wrong).

 

I agree, I just feel angry that she never gave me a chance to be a part of that trying and wish that she would give me that chance now. You are absolutely right, she told me that she has been trying for a very long time and that this was not a snap decision. I know she still really cares for me and that this is probably as hard for her as it is for me. I just don't understand why she is unable to work on it with me if she has been trying by herself to make it work.

 

I once broke of an engagement. I know all these years later he still wants me. But after years of trying with him, putting everything I had into making things work, he never made the effort to make the relationship work. If at some point he had put a massive effort into winning me back, not expecting me to keep working... meet him half way... do it for him... I would have given him another shot. He would have shown me he had legitimately changed, that he wasn't just talk, he was a man who would go the extra mile and would be worth taking back.

 

I really appeciate you sharing your story with me, this must be hard to talk about. I wonder though, you say that if he made a "massive effort" you would have given him another shot. That's all I want, another shot. What would you have considered a massive effort?

 

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If you are both that exhausted from this break up, you can't make rational decisions, or have rational conversations. Some NC time is necessary. You need to breathe. NC won't end the relationship, but it will help you gain some perspective.

 

I agree, I just am so scared of losing her. I am scared that every day she will move slightly further away from me and that I will lose her for good. She said she feels like she just shuts down when I try to talk to her about us and fixing us, so I know the time is not right at the moment. I know that NC is probably the right thing, and that by telling her to call if she wants to work on it with me I have left that door open, but I am so scared that she is trying to move on and that NC will let her do that without giving us another chance.

 

How does NC and the "massive effort" work together from your perspective? I am willing to do whatever it takes to win her heart back. She is my everything and I want nothing more than to make her happy and to be able to give her everything she needs and have her return that love.

[Kia-Kaha]

WOW! Nearly one day of NC done and I have been a total train-wreck. I have wandered around lost and have entertained some of the most horrible thoughts ever.

 

I have spent a ton of time here (which I realise is really not helping me to move forward with my own life, but the advice I have received has helped me with the strength I need to do this) and have cried my eyes out and wondered constantly how she is doing and if she is ok.

 

I have never asked her for space before and I have never gone NC with her before (even through previous problems and breakups). Part of me hopes that she is taking this seriously and it is making her think of the issues. Part of me hopes she will freak out when I am not around and she will realise that she could totally lose me and will take action towards fixing our issues.

 

I know that we both need some space right now and can't make rational decisions due to our exhaustion (thanks Marshmillito) but I am constantly freaking out that she will never come back, that I have lost the one person in this world that I would do anything for, the only person that going through this hell is worth.

 

NC is about control. I get that. I just don't feel like it has gotten me any control, it feels like I played a final ultimatum card in desperation and now must bluff my way all the way to the end.

 

I know that if she respects my decision it will be a long time before we talk. I just don't understand how she can be hurting this much but still unwilling to try and get to the root of the problem and fix it and get everything in life that we wanted both as a couple and as individuals.

[Kia-Kaha]

wow.. the train-wreck continues.

 

About half an hour ago, I started feeling so angry about the fact that she has not been willing to work on things with me and that I feel like she lied to me through the relationship by not telling me that there were issues that were causing her to feel disconnected.

 

I am so angry that she would not be honest with me and give me the opportunity to work things out with her.

 

I don't like this feeling... I don't like how it came on so quick. I don't like how right now I don't want to ever hear from her again but 2 hours ago I would have given anything to call her.

 

Is this normal? Please help! I don't want to hate her, I know that she is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with and have children with. I still think we could work through this and I am angry that she is unwilling to try. I know she has been trying for a long time, I am just angry that I was not allowed to be part of that.

[paulod]

Hey Kia,

Your situation sounds exactly like mine!! She was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the woman I wanted to have kids with, the one I wanted to grow old with, but we had issues (feel free to have a look at my first load of posts) and I thought we could work through them....I was wrong unfortunately

I've been split up 4 months now, first 6 or so weeks I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, cried constantly, probably went though every emotional state going for for first couple of months, finally went NC/Very LC (as we work in the same building) mid March, I didn't realise just how emotionally drained the two of us were with everything that was going on between us and just how much of a mess I was in. I like you want an opportunity to work things out with her but it's not going to happen any time soon (if at all)

 

Honestly go NC and look after yourself,you need time apart to heal, you can't sort anything out with your ex if you're both emotional train wrecks, it just wouldn't work, as hard as it is....and believe me its bloody hard!! it's the only way you can sort your head out and you need to get back to the person you were before all these issues took their toll!

You'll probably go through every emotion under the sun mate, I still have my days where I become down and sad at the thought of how good things could have been between us and yeah I still miss and love her every day, but NC is doing me the world of good...I'm becoming the old me again...not that train wreck I was..so you gotta focus on sorting yourself out first,get control of you, then you can address those issues....but unfortunately there is no magic make up pill or quick fix..it's gonna take time

 

Stay strong and keep positive

[Kia-Kaha]

Paulod,

 

Why did you not work through the issues? Was she unable to or did it just never come up? Did you let her know that you were willing to work on them?

 

I agree NC is a great tool to get emotional space and get yourself back. But I don't understand how it can bring me back to a place with her where we could even begin to work on our issues. NC seems like the exact opposite of what I need to do. Communication seems to be the only way forward for us if we want to resolve our issues and have her feel for me again the way that she wants to.

 

Should I do NC for a while to get control back and then slowly try to re-connect?

 

I am so mixed up right now. I do not want to move on. I want her to be part of my life. I feel I have lost my girlfriend, potential wife, potential mother of my children, and my best friend all at the same time. I have only ever felt like this before when someone close to me passed away.

[mrshuma]

Kia-Kaha: Read this first post;

 

 

[mrshuma]

also read this first post:

 

 

[Kia-Kaha]

MrShuma,

 

Thank you!

 

I was doing so well, we had been in NIC/LC for the last 7 weeks after our breakup. She was calling me and checking that I was ok and just generally wanted to hear from me because she missed me.

 

She is not a vindicative person at all and is an incredibly honest person. I know that she is going through hell too and that's why I am so upset that I told her to not call me. I wish I could help her through this pain but I am not the right person to do that apparently because I kept pushing for answers and wanting to work through things.

 

She has been my life for the last 3 1/2 years and I just feel so alone and empty now.

[marshmallito]

I agree, I just feel angry that she never gave me a chance to be a part of that trying and wish that she would give me that chance now. You are absolutely right, she told me that she has been trying for a very long time and that this was not a snap decision. I know she still really cares for me and that this is probably as hard for her as it is for me. I just don't understand why she is unable to work on it with me if she has been trying by herself to make it work.

 

 

She never asked you to change things? Do things to make life easier or better for you both or her? When I was working on things, I was making changes to make things better and my ex would make and conveniently forget or break promises or be inconsiderate. Sometimes it was small things, sometimes big things, but all his slip ups made it difficult for me to love him and keep working on making our time together happy.

Does that sound at all like what has happened in your case? Or is it maybe a break up excuse from her?

 

I wonder though, you say that if he made a "massive effort" you would have given him another shot. That's all I want, another shot. What would you have considered a massive effort?

In my case a massive effort would have been cutting the crap, no more promises, living up to his words, doing his part and trying to make me happy for a change, putting my needs first for a while, and throwing in some romantic and thoughtful gestures. Instead of the halfhearted, insecure attempts he still makes to test the waters. Like inviting me out but not making the invitation convenient to me.

[mrshuma]

Kia-Kaha, trust me buddy I know exactly how you feel, about 24 days ago my ex broke up with me, we were together for almost 7 years and she is the love my life, the one who I had planned to marry, etc. I've been NC for 19 days now.

 

I have read thousands of posts on this board and other forums and it seems that the best course of action is to go NC, even if it doesn't seem or feel like the right thing. She KNOWS how you feel about her and it's almost the push/pull theory that comes into play. I'm sure she is suffering but it was her choice to be apart instead of working it out.

Let her come back to you when she is ready, if you are always there when she wants to talk then it doesn't give her any motivation to work out the issues.

[Kia-Kaha]

She never asked you to change things? Do things to make life easier or better for you both or her?

 

No, she never explained to me what the issues were that were causing her to feel stress / disconnect. She was always looking at negative things and asking what they meant, but never looking at the positives and asking why they felt so good.

 

That is why this is so hard, I never knew and never had a chance to try to work on any of these things with her. That is why I have been asking for a chance to discuss and potentially work through these issues together.

 

If I get another chance I will be initiating a lot more conversations during the relationship, to discuss where we are and what we are doing right and what needs work.

[Kia-Kaha]

MrShuma,

 

I am really struggling with the idea of NC. I know that right now we are both too emotionally drained and exhausted to even talk to each other about anything apart from day-to-day bullsh*t but at least when we were doing that I felt like we had the potential of reconnecting slowly.

 

Right now, I wonder about NC and whether it is worthwhile when communication was such a big issue with us. I struggle with how NC will help us knock down some of those walls we built between us or whether it will just strengthen them until we just can't make it work and go our separate ways and I am left wondering forever about what could have been.

 

I wonder whether NC becomes a game that no-one is willing to show their hand at and so there is no option but to move on. Or if it is just designed to give me space to heal so that when I find out she is seeing someone new it won't absolutely kill me.

 

I appreciate the links, but I still struggle with the idea that NC will bring her back to me and make her want to communicate about the issues with me. Mind you LC hasn't been helping with that right now either. I know she is already missing me, so I don't think NC will help there. I think it may just help her to learn to hate me and get over me quicker.

 

This is the bed I made for myself though.

[mrshuma]

Kia-Kaha

 

No doubt NC is the hardest thing to do BUT even 30 days of NC can give you both the space you need to clear your head. You were together for 3 1/2 years so I can guarantee that she isn't going to forget about you. If she ends up seeing someone new then doesn't that answer your question about her intentions at least for the short term.

[Kia-Kaha]

Kia-Kaha

 

No doubt NC is the hardest thing to do BUT even 30 days of NC can give you both the space you need to clear your head. You were together for 3 1/2 years so I can guarantee that she isn't going to forget about you. If she ends up seeing someone new then doesn't that answer your question about her intentions at least for the short term.

 

Maybe I am just trying to convince myself that talking to her here and there will solve things because I crave that. I don't know if NC for 30 days will even help, as it has already been 7 weeks since our breakup.

 

I feel like I threw down a huge ultimatum (talk to me about us or don't talk to me at all), and I feel terrible for doing that. We never set a timeline for not talking, but she did go quiet and sad when I asked to respect my need for NC.

 

I am sure that she would have left the conversation in tears, that thought absolutely kills me as I can't stand knowing that I have hurt her.

 

I don't want to let her go, I want to hold her tight. I want to propose to her and start a family with her (I was already working towards this before our breakup)

[mrshuma]

Kia-Kaha: You were already broken up for 7 weeks but were still talking to her at least weekly so its not the same as strict NC. You didn't throw down any ultimatum, you were showing her that you have a backbone and she will respect you for it. I'm currently at 19 days NC and about 10 days ago my ex ran into a friend of mine and he told me that she admitted that the NC was bothering her but she understood the reasoning behind it.

 

Remember, SHE broke up with you not the other way around. 30 days NC was just an example so you don't keep dragging this on for weeks and months at a time through LC. Now that you have set the ground rules, she knows that you are only willing to discuss the relationship with her. If she never contacts you about the relationship then do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want you?

[Kia-Kaha]

You do make some really good points. We were talking at least 2x per week, so it definitely was not at all like NC. During those conversations, she would repeatedly tell me that she was missing me and that she has been struggling with not seeing me etc. So I know that she does still care and misses me.

 

I just don't know how to break down the emotional wall that she has built which won't let her talk to me about the issues behind the breakup, because I believe with all of my heart that we can get through this. I have promised her that these things will never come up again, because I will never let them because I know where it leads.

 

I don't know if I am strong enough to not take the phonecall to check I am doing ok if it ever comes. I agree with a lot of what she says like "it shouldn't be this hard" and that sometimes "we just didn't fit" but unlike her, I think there is a way through it and I think a lot of this is due to a situation we are in that will change very soon!

 

MrShuma has your ex tried to reach out to you? Who set the NC in motion in your situation? Did the person announcing NC leave the communication gates open if the dumping party were to want to start to reconcile?