I feel like I just saw a ghost

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I looked at his facebook. I havn't looked at in probably about 2 months. Up until then, he wasn't listed as in a relationship, even though I know he was. I thought he started sleeping with her 10 days after the break up. I guess that wasn't true. He's in a relatoinship on there with her now. It took long enough for him to list it, but i guess it's probably because he didnt want to look like a complete jerk. He broke up with me on October 20th. Their anniversary is listed as October 22. I begged him to tell me if he broke up with me because he had slept with her or was planning to sleep with her that day. I told him to tell me the truth if he ever loved me. He promised me that it had nothing to do with her. He told me that he didnt want to be in a relationship for a long long time. After seeing this, I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me and left me for her. You dont just start a relationship with someone 2 days after you break up with a girl youve been with for almost 4 years. It doesnt work like that. Somethign happened before that.

 

And 7.5 months later they are still together. I hate him right now. I want to call him up and scream at him and tell him how much I hate him. He's on a 2 month summer trip with her right now... a trip we were supposed to take together. I hate him. I feel so horrible right now, but I see what a jerk he really was. So much for it just being a rebound or him just thinking the grass was greener. I guess it really was.

[iBroken]

I wouldnt worry about it.

 

Dont even break NC to lash out at him. It will appear as though you are weak and pining for him. Dont even give him this bit of knowledge.

 

I know its hard....My Reconciliation has now ended and I am back on the healing train. But you just got to plug through. I have cut off all points of contact with my ex. NO FB, no texts, nothing. I have no desire to speak to her ever again.

 

When my mind races to wonder what she is up to, I shut it down. Its not even worth it.

 

You will be fine....chin up

[peanutbutterandjelly]

theres no way im breaking NC. I've been in it for almost 3 months and there is absolutely no point. I have been REALLY good about not keeping tabs on him and checking up on him. The whole thing is ridiculous, because I went to look at my friends facebook to see if she was friends with a guy I met recently have been trying to get a hold of... and I saw his damn name staring back at me and I just clicked it. I've only looked at his facebook twice since I deactivated mine almost 8 months ago, and I cant even see the details, just the first page. That'll teach me to do that again.

 

i just feel so horrible right now. knot in my stomach. I feel sick. I feel like an idiot for hoping he would come back to me months and months after he broke up with me, because he told me that it was just sex and she was just a friend even months after the fact. now i see the truth and that he has continued to lie to me over and over and over again. he doesnt deserve any sort of contact from me. But I seriously hate him right now and I know it would make him feel horrible if I told him how much I hate him. But I wont. I am just absolutely enraged right now.

[Live-N-Learn]

Yeah saying anything at this point would just feed his ego. You never want to let them know they still effect you so long after the BU. Be strong and know he is not worth it. I am pretty sure you are right that he was entertaining her before the BU.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

it just makes me so sick. I always hear about rebounds and how they never last. How guys think the grass is always greener and it never is. well, i guess it really was this time. 7.5 month later and they are going strong and I am alone living with my parents and jobless and depressed. It sucks. I feel like crap. He gets everything and I am just struggling to wake up everyday still. I try and I try and I try and nothing seems to come together for me. I met a guy recently and never got his contact info and was hoping that my friends was friends with him on facebook. thats why i went on there in the first place. thigns were kind of looking up after this past weekend and then I see this and still cant find the guy. i feel like I am trying to hard to get my life back together and its taking so long and going so slowly and nothing ever works out in the end.

[jimbojones100]

You have every right to be mad. But when you get right down to it, just think to yourself, * * * * him.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

yeah, that is what i am telling myself. And as I get angrier and angrier it makes me pull further and further away from him, which is a good thing. Maybe it's good that I found this out. It's making me realize what a horrible person he has turned into and stopping me from idealizing him. i dont even recognize the person that he's become. I feel sad for him mostly. he was a good guy and he turned into a liar and a cheater and a horrible person. Why would I want anything to do with him anyways.

[jimbojones100]

yeah, that is what i am telling myself. And as I get angrier and angrier it makes me pull further and further away from him, which is a good thing. Maybe it's good that I found this out. It's making me realize what a horrible person he has turned into and stopping me from idealizing him. i dont even recognize the person that he's become. I feel sad for him mostly. he was a good guy and he turned into a liar and a cheater and a horrible person. Why would I want anything to do with him anyways.

 

Exactly! That's where I'm at. There's nothing wrong with feeling angry for a while. Get it out of your system. I think too often people change (often for the worse it seems) after a breakup and they aren't the same people we were dating. So let them do their thing, and we'll move on and find better people.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i think the reason it hurts so much is because now I am 99% positive he was cheating on me. Up until now I believed him when he said that he didnt. And now 7.5 months later I find out the truth. And even if he wasn't physically cheating on me, he was defintely cheating on me emotionally... but he was probably really cheating on me. he swore to me that he wasn't, but I dont see how he wasnt lying at this point. so now i have to sit here and accept the fact that he was cheating on me and really did leave me for her.

[jimbojones100]

i think the reason it hurts so much is because now I am 99% positive he was cheating on me. Up until now I believed him when he said that he didnt. And now 7.5 months later I find out the truth. And even if he wasn't physically cheating on me, he was defintely cheating on me emotionally... but he was probably really cheating on me. he swore to me that he wasn't, but I dont see how he wasnt lying at this point. so now i have to sit here and accept the fact that he was cheating on me and really did leave me for her.

 

Based on the dates you gave, it sounds like he was. But that should make it even easier to justify forgetting the ungrateful SOB!

[peanutbutterandjelly]

it just sucks, because even though i knew he was lying to me about a lot of things, i didnt want to believe that he was lying to me about that. I dont understand how someone can just switch like that... like a lightswitch. it's messed up. I hope this relationship crashes and burns. He doesnt want children and doesnt want marriage. He probably failed to mention that to her. Or maybe thats why he left me for her. cause she doesnt want that either. he doesnt want that because he wants to be able to leave whenever he wants. he never wants to have to make a commitment. he told me that the fact that he was with me should be enough to show that he loved me and was committed to me. and i believed him. never in a million years did i imagine he would do what he did to me. he fooled me, thats for sure. I really hope karma catches him one day. i dont care if I sound like a bad person for thinking that, but i really really hope so.

[DeenasRhino]

Don't waste your time groveling over such scum. You are worth more than that. Do not degrade yourself more. Find someone who will treat you right.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i just really want to be over this once and for all. I hate that he can still make me so emotional almost 8 months later and is just happy with his new life.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

uggggg and i cant shake the feeling of just wanting to yell and scream and call him names. i dont know how to get it out. i hate feeling this way

[dramallama]

milkandhoney, IMO, what I think would help is if you wrote down in a diary or something how p'd off he makes you feel, and everything you want to say to him, no matter how explicit. I find this helps to me because it's cathartic and you'll be able to express yourself and feel like you're venting at him, without actually breaking NC. As a bonus he won't get the satisfaction of knowing how down you feel about it, and you'll get a release. It's natural to feel that way. I would too, if I were in your position. *hugs*

[SparklyBoots]

I agree with the writing it all down...no matter how nasty and vindictive you want to be just write it down and get it out of your head...and then rip it to shreds and burn it...might sound silly but it is quite cathartic.

 

I found out a lot about my ex husband's shenanigans after we split and I was mad to find he had cheated much more than I realised, while playing the innocent...noone likes to admit to being a jerk and they will sugarcoat stuff to try and come out of it looking better and also thinking it will hurt you less...

 

Hugs x

[peanutbutterandjelly]

^yeah, that's exactly what happened... but i guess after 7 months he didnt care if he was sugar coating it anymore or if he looked like a jerk... he is happy in his new life and doesnt give a crap.

[SparklyBoots]

Heya - you know, it really sucks when you feel that things are going bad for you but really great for the ex - I have been there, beat myself up and have the t-shirt - but really when someone gives so little thought to you, there comes a point where you have to just think of yourself. Yes, things may be not as forward as you would like just now BUT you never know what lies around the corner...

 

When I split from my last ex, the rug was completely pulled out from my life - I was rock bottom and within a few months he was having a great time - new gf, all he wanted - BUT within a few months that all turned around. His new gf treated him like s**t, I had got my mojo back and started making new friends, doing things I had never dared before...

 

Life brings ups and downs...we can't always have good times and the bad times make us really appreciate the good ones...we can't use our exs lives as a yardstick to measure our own, it isn't a competition....yes, it hurts, but only as much as we let it.

 

I have followed your story and yes, it has been a very harsh experience, BUT only you can change your life. Forget about him, he is really a deadbeat cause just now - work on what makes YOU happy...have a rage and a rant just now but then try and let it go...really hard I know, but have a really good look at your life, look at the positives in it (there must be some) and focus on those.

 

When I split from my ex, I had few friends in my hometown - since then despite being shy I have pulled out all the stops and forced myself to go out there and make a new life for myself...I have travelled solo, made new friends, even face my fears and done paragliding and skydiving...life is short...it is only what you make of it....your ex is trading down - it may be fine for him just now but that is irrelevant....live for YOU....look at what you want to achieve and find a way to do it....best revenge is to go out nd find your own happy - you are a strong woman to have go tthis far and I have a lot of respect for you....

[JonasWaingaro]

^^^^oh wow, what an awesome post sparkly. This is a lesson all of us need to learn, don't measure our happiness based on the ex. I would add my 2 cents but you've said it perfectly! Excellent stuff. =)

[SparklyBoots]

Thank you = it has taken me a looong time to get to this point - a long painful time - but really if someone doesn't realise just how fantastic you are, then why give a monkeys about where they are at? This life is about YOU and what you make of it...not about them - they chose their bed - and we can choose ours.....

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i really am making progress. My parents dont see it but my friends do. they tell me that him breaking up with me was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm going out and doing stuff. I'm meeting new people. I'm getting out of my comfort zone almost daily. I'm forcing myself to do things just to stay afloat.

 

it just sucks though. I try not to compare myself to him, but I just can't help it. Right now he's on a 2 month long trip around the country that we were supposed to go on together, having the time of his life with his new girlfriend that he left me for. Nothing ever goes wrong for him. Karma never gets him. Everyone tells me that it wont stay that way forever, that he's close to hitting rock bottom. But I really dont think he is yet. He's happy. He has nothing going for him, but he's happy. How can he be so close to hitting rock bottom and still be so happy?

[Fionnuala]

it just sucks though. I try not to compare myself to him, but I just can't help it. Right now he's on a 2 month long trip around the country that we were supposed to go on together, having the time of his life with his new girlfriend that he left me for. Nothing ever goes wrong for him. Karma never gets him. Everyone tells me that it wont stay that way forever, that he's close to hitting rock bottom. But I really dont think he is yet. He's happy. He has nothing going for him, but he's happy. How can he be so close to hitting rock bottom and still be so happy?

 

I think it's normal to feel this way to an extent. I still feel this way about my ex sometimes and we broke up over a year and a half ago. I am still single and he never has to be alone, and sometimes that really pisses me off. But I think the thing you have to realize is that just because he seems better off than you doesn't mean he is. Just because he has is little girlfriend and they're doing this and that...you don't know what else is happening in his life, or inside him. You only see what's on the outside, and most of the time that is barely a fraction of what is really going on with someone.

 

And you know what? Even if he is happy and things are going great with the new girl, so what? The way I see it, people who can move on so quickly and don't express any sadness or pain over losing someone who was in their life for so long are missing something very important. I am grateful for the misery I went through for months and months after my break up, I am grateful that I could cry and that I even still do once in a while. I'm grateful that I faced my pain and went through it, and I think you should be too. Because a year or two from now, you'll have moved on and won't have to worry about it, because you worked through all of those things. But he didn't, and it'll come back to bite him in the butt. At least that's my experience.

 

Stay strong! Be angry, you have every right! But like that old cheesy cliche saying says, it'll all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. I know how much it hurts, but one day you'll be all right and you'll be able to look back and realize how much stronger this experience made you.