mylovemyway Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 My ex dumped me a month ago. He says that he has strong feelings for me but he can't be with because he can't trust me. I think he is neurotic/paranoid/anxious so he is always worried that I have or will cheat on him. He can't be with me anymore because he is so terrified of getting hurt. I have not cheated, of course, but he won't believe me. I did the whole begging/pleading thing but now I've given up since he made he clear that we both need to move on. So I've backed off. The other day he send me a text that said "So you're not talking to me anymore? I understand." and I responded "Of course I want to talk to you. I just don't know what to say if you don't want to be with me, but I still care for you deeply and want to talk to you as a friend and be there for you if it's not too difficult" and then he didn't respond for a day. Now he sent me a text that says "I wish things weren't so f-d up." Should I even respond to that? I feel like once I respond, once I "give" my feelings again, and feed his ego or whatever it is that he is consciously or subconsciously seeking, he is just gonna back off again. It seems like perhaps he has to see that if he does not want me, I will move on, for him to rethink his decision. I do want to reconcile, but it has to come from him. I realize I need to take care of myself and I'm not gonna go back to pleading. Been there, done that. I've already made it clear that I love him and want to be with him, and I've already pleaded, but he said he can't do it. So what does he want??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylovemyway Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 Well, I gave in and responded. I ignored the "I wish things weren't so f-d up" text and he sent more half an hour later, saying he misses me so much but there's so much doubt in his heart, and nothing can hurt him more than the thought of me sneaking out with another guy. I gave him the whole "I never snuck out with another guy, I was 100% devoted to you, I regret not doing a better job of reassuring you, and I wish you could see that I am completely loyal and I wish you could take a risk and make the decision to trust me" speech. I have a feeling he's gonna stop responding from here. That's all he's gonna get from me for now too... Bah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylovemyway Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 I think maybe I should never repeat that speech again. I've given it to him a million times, and although it's completely sincere, he has never accepted it as truth. Maybe the more I tell him the more he thinks I'm full of crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cadence44 Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 Yeah, it is clear that you need to stop with the speech. I've read some of your other posts. Why do you go so far out of your way to reassure him when it is clear that this is his problem? He's got you jumping through hoops, trying to do the impossible of proving a negative and you're okay with that? Even if you do get back together, nothing is going to change for the better. Why? Because it's clear that this massive insecurity and paranoia is his problem and if you keep coddling and enabling him by explaining and reassuring, he has no reason to ever change his behavior and learn to trust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylovemyway Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 Yeah, you're right. I realize he needs a lot of work himself. Although I am willing to hold his hand and be patient with him while he works through his problems, the desire to change has to come from him. I haven't seen a genuine desire from him to change. I haven't even seen a genuine acceptance from him that there is something wrong with him. He's always pointed the finger at me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petite Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 Cease all contact with him. He is playing the push/pull game and I know it so well. My ex does that and believe me you don't want to be a part of that. Mine doesn't want me yet he doesn't want me with someone else either. People like that don't know what they want and to save yourself and your feelings from getting any more hurt start No Contact and keep it. It will do you a world of good and after some time you will realize that as time passes being apart is actually a positive thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
H20 Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 Hmm somehow I can see him blaming YOU if you DO start seeing someone else...with a "See I KNEW you would be with another guy"...yep I can see him doing to you even though HE dumped YOU. It will be his way of justifying things....this dude has a serious issue. Don't play this game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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