Fiance refuses to give me oral sex

[Luciana]

I have had this problem for 5 years now, and I am at a loss now. I am very attractive, clean, healthy woman. I was married many years and my ex-husband loved giving me oral. Now the guy I am with hates it. I have already talked to him many times, nicely, expressing how much l love receiving it (and giving it) and how I miss it. He tried about twice all these years and it seemed like it was an enormous sacrifice for him. I sometimes feel like getitng a lover just for this, and am not sure whether it is valid to leave someone you love because of one sexual practice (although my favorite one).

I shower and smell wonderful and everything. He still won't do it. He is the withholding type (the same way he doesn't tell me he loves ever or calls me affectionate names), and I think not reciprocating with OS is a way to withhold. He knows I love it and have a massive orgasm. Still won't do it. I know there are men (maybe 20, 30%) who have a big issue with giving oral sex. Maybe the way they were raised (it's dirty down there).

I asked him to get professional help. He won't. I bought a raspberry flavored jelly thinking maybe he doens't like the taste. He still won't do it. I told him I feel sincerely. Won't bulge.

Dumping him, is it worth it? I love him and need him in my life.

Any woman out there who had this problem and succeeded in changing the guy???

[ComputerGuy]

From a guys perspective, I can't see what his problem is, but at the same time, he might just not like it, its a personal thing. I know it's frustrating but you can't change a guy. The fact that he tried suggests he wants to please you, but he probably just really doesn't like it. As for therapy, no one likes being told they need therapy, no matter what for or how true it is. My suggestion is, if he won't do it no matter what, maybe you should get a bit more creative and find something else that you like just as much, maybe something you haven't discovered yet.

 

As for him being the "withholding" type, if you've been together five years, and he doesn't say I love you or call you pet names like sweetie or baby and such, I'd question his commitment to the relationship.

 

I could be completely wrong here but that's just my 2 cents worth, hope it helps

[QTpie87]

my two cents say don't keep begging him about it...

 

hes not going to think you respect him if you don't let him be about it...not trying to sound rud at all, just what if there was somethign he liked and you really really didn't want to do...don't you think your personal boundries should be respected?

well good luck.

love Qtpie87

[Athena]

Luciana,

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. My ex-husband was the same way. It was pretty difficult dealing with it, considering it was a very satisfying way for me to express my sexuality. After a while I built up resentment about it. I found that after a while, his not wanting to do OS made me less desireable. It had a big impact on our sexual relationship.

 

Not sure what to tell you girl. Only you know how important this is to you. And it's OK if it is important. One thing I can say is that I think you should come to some kind of resolution on this BEFORE you marry him.

 

-A

[Ash]

On the one hand, I can understand his reluctance. It can be quite something for some men to overcome. On the other hand, since you get such pleasure, and stay very clean, I might have thought he'd be that way because it is important to you.

 

But as the other posters have said, pushing him to be that way just won't work.

 

Sexual compatibility is important too. You will have to decide whether this is truly something you can compromise on. I know it seems pretty poor to not proceed with a relationship based on something like this, but it is a valid concern. Best you know now, then when you're married.

 

I've heard of this kind of thing before, and it can lead to more frustration further down the road. I've also heard the reverse, where the man wanted to, but the woman didn't want oral sex performed on her. Again, compatibility is important.

[Luciana]

Athena, this is why he's your ex!

Well, I agree with you all I have explained very clearly what I like and what gives me pleasure. I would imagine he would want to see me "explode" and that would please him too, but some men are more takers than givers. Ever heard the term "selfish in bed"?

I want to find a toy that can mimick the movement of lips. Maybe that would be the only way to spend the second half of my life without OS...

And QTPie, I heard you. SOme women hate anal sex; I don't have a problem with it. But if I had and he insisted on me doing it, I probably would resent it. But the comparison is not so good because giving OS doesn't mean pain..and sometimes anal does.

I guess I'll keep on frustrated...but I do understand the men from the 1900s who had mistresses who would do what their religious conservative wive wouldn't..

[seza15]

girl, girl, i hear ya loud and clear! i'm suffering the same problem (amongest others!).

 

but my man wants it done to him where i don't feel like doing it as he won't even try with me, even though he knows by the one time he did with me that he gets a good response! doesn't make sense to me. you would think that a guy would do any sexual act to his girl if he knows that she'll repay the act, 2 times over!

 

it's so frustrating! have you offered 69er with him? that "may" work.

[mahlina]

Perhaps he has some kind of 'repressed' memory that you don't know about. No offense, but I'm just the oppossite. I guess it is a turn on for a guy to want to go down on you, but for me, I've always been afraid, and didn't want it for some reason. I wasn't comfortable with it. My ex wanted to perform OS on me, and lots of times I refused. I just couldn't. I think that for me, it was repressed memories. Perhaps, your boyfriend has 'repressed memories,' for feel embarressed by it, for some reason. Whatever it is, communicate how his not wanting to give you oral is bothering you.

 

Try to figure it out, and tell him: "Honey, I care for you. I don't mean to offend you, but is there something that I should know about? Something that you don't mind sharing with me? Did something happen to you in the past, which intimidates you from giving me oral? I'm hear to listen..It's okay if you don't want to share it with me..... Just concerned." I'd go about it with that statement. Whatever you do, you need to have him feel at ease. Otherwise, perhaps you guys can see a 'Sex Therapist,' since the two of you are engaged. Hope this Helps! Mahlina

[JonnyG]

You sound abit like my ex that i have been talking to u about mahlina. My ex told me she wouldnt do any OS until she was with a guy for about 6 months, as she felt it was really intimate. It really is personal preference, while most girls and guys want it (or more like to receive it) there are some people who are very much against it. Unfortunately it sounds like this in this case. I think u should try what Mahlina has said Luciana, maybe there is another reason why he doesnt want to do it? Or perhaps he is just very much against it, some people are like that, im sorry.

 

U could also try what seza15 hs said. Try a 69er, that way he is getting what he wants, is very turned on and will hopefully return the favour. Good luck though.

[Athena]

Wish it were that simple. But thanks anyway for trying to sum it up for me.

 

-A

[butterflykiss04]

I feel your pain my boyfriend would rather me give him head than have sex with me and it made me feel like something was wrong with me I can count on one hand how many orgasms I have had I got tired and got me the tongue and a nice g-spot vibrator and we havent had sex for 2 months now but I am satisfied anything he can do I can do better now I am not doing to get him to do it I am doing it because if my satisfaction is not as important as his then what is the point how much does he really care?

 

 

[Luciana]

I'll get The Tongue! I thought it didn't work, like many products you buy.

[fantasia2004]

Most guys like to receive than give greedily because it makes them feel like a king.

 

my opinion

[cbfan]

THIS IS A BRUTE FACT!

 

REAL MEN go down on women

REAL MEN don't care about the taste

REAL MEN just want their girl to have the most pleasure.

 

He has issues or he needs to grow up. I'm worried that this is just the tip of the iceberg Leaving him MIGHT be just want he needs to think things through (MAYBE).

 

I'm sorry but I've heard of "respect the other person's limits" relationship. But I'd rather have a "I love you so much I'll do anything to make you feel good--even if I don't like it" relationship.

 

If both believe in the latter their lives will be much better than the two the believe in the former.

 

But if he doesn't come around, just let me know. I'll help you out--I could spend days down there .