About to break up w/ girl ... 8 or 9 months

[matius]

I am here mainly to grab a last few pointers & to bounce my thoughts off you fine people.

 

My main issue is that I don't trust this girl. She says all of the right things but sometimes I see actions that just don't add up. She's very outgoing & it's difficult to blur the line between flirting or more. A couple shady events triggered this break plus her being distant - a) some dude said some real sexually forward remark on her page & she deleted it the next morning. I don't think she was at home all night on that weekday night either.

 

Second, she told me she loved me a ways back & I didn't respond in kind. Takes me longer to do so - I want to make sure it's right. She's never given me a chance to try & she's regretted it ever since - she felt dumb. Is there any way to even come back from that if I were interested in continuing?

 

Third, this girl is thrifty cheap. As I wright this I wonder what the hell I'm doing anyway.

 

Do I confront on the cheating/trust issues? Will she even admit it or do I want to know anyways... btw she's treating me as normal as if nothing is out of place but she does know I want to talk.

 

I don't know I just want some resolution but if its' just the break than so be it.

 

A guy can't win with the cheating stuff. We always look like controlling freaks which I argue I think is laughable. This is our life, time & money and we should be able to find out what's going on instead of the norm knowing after the fact.

 

Lastly, should I give her the floor for any of these issues or just cut to the chase?

 

Thanks

[JusticeLaw9]

I think it would be a good idea to have a talk with her and voice your concerns and the reasons for them. Then give her a chance to speak and address those issues. Be fair about it and make sure you give her an opportunity to speak. I know sometimes when I get pissed off I want to jump in and shoot right back, so don't do that. lol. But 9 times out of 10, if you let a person talk long enough they'll hang themselves. You'll know what to do after she speaks, though.

[matius]

Thanks for that. It's very hard to explain... I have voiced my opinion - and in a way I believed was non-demanding/over-bearing but these new issues have cropped up within the past couple of days.

 

My description may not show it exactly but I have some very good reason to believe she's going behind my back. It's an ego trip for me. If she is doing so, I don't want to give her the opportunity to say she doesn't want to do this anymore. As juvenile it is... but what respect is someone like that owed? Or it's just another chance to point out how tiring I am. I think that's the mode of a lot of girls (I'm sure dudes do it too) - give the person enough until it's easy to call them crazy and make a break. The weak ones...

 

I don't know; maybe one day this will all be worth it with someone.

[JusticeLaw9]

What is there to really have an ego trip about? Because if she's done it behind your back already and than what is there to spare by being the one to break things off, first. Cause she's already done so, by going behind your back. Feel me? So why not just do what you got to do and be done with it?

[matius]

She hasn't admitted it is the thing. What's more is she wouldn't - she's interconnected with friends, family, peers & business associates & wouldn't want the rep - I think anyway.

 

The ego trip is that she wasn't big enough to admit the truth but everyone knows what's up. At the very least, she's not cheating & having a say in the break. That's the ego thing - and again I realize ego's are troublesome - but it is what it is. * That's another strange thing... people who do that seem to show no signs of wanting the break except for that which is clouded in mystery - or becoming distant. I'd laugh if it wasn't so frustrating.

 

There's also the fact that every time you bring it up it's one more nail. Hey who knows, maybe it's all in my mind.

[Flint_Wood]

It's tough to deal with, I've had jealousy issues in the past and have prematurely broken off what may have been perfectly good relationships in the past.

 

It's hard to apply, but you need to adapt to an innocent until proven guilty philosophy. It is quite possible that raising these issues will be exactly what pushes her to someone else. If you can remain calm until you find concrete evidence that she's cheating then thats probably the best approach.

 

If your insecurity and imagination is driving you nuts then you better confront her as it is unhealthy for you emotionally, but that conversation rarely ends well in my experience...

[matius]

Flint_Wood... I know what you mean but this is about respect more than anything. Being made to look a fool. And one will argue that this is simply insecurity, jealousy & the like - I honestly see it as an assault on my time, money and sanity.

 

I like this girl & nobody wants to be treated like that. If she meets someone new that's better for her great... she needs to let me know that though.

 

The evidence I've found is pretty damn good but I don't know how to confront her on it w/o giving her control to say I was crazy the whole time. I can't right? I snooped a bit and my assumption was correct. People may think I'm insecure for that but I went with my gut and it was right. But how could I say that w/o giving her the ability to say I'm nut job - even though I'm just looking out for #1. So do you see what I mean. It's less being jealous & insecure and more about being logical in my case. That's not me to do that, but now I feel like I can flick an intruder out the way.

 

 

I think my option is to end it. Guess I'll see when the convo happens...

[Flint_Wood]

Sorry if I came off as insulting. If you know she has cheated, then you really need to ask yourself "can I allow this?". It's a tougher question then one would think.

 

Don't worry about looking like a nut job, she will likely be on the offense, but considering her behaviour, you were definitely justified.

 

Best of luck.

[matius]

No it didn't come accross as insulting at all - it's just that for some reason our society has been twisted to make those being cheated on the sorry weak saps - insecure & nice... when the truth is a lot of us are just looking out for #1. I think that's self respect.

[Flint_Wood]

I can agree with that, I just know personally that I can become insecure and jealous, and that it can unjustly drive my partner away if I don't keep those feelings in check.

 

There's truth in both arguments.