I Can't Get Her Out of My Head

[MisterMister]

Hey, to make this make sense I'll introduce myself first. I'm a sophomore in college. I have a somewhat athletic build and from other people's impressions I'd say I'm objectively attractive. And combining that with being a black male, people assume I have girls coming in and out of my room like a revolving door. I don't really like the idea of that and while I don't want a steady relationship, I would rather get to know a girl than hit it and kick her out like all my friends. This nice guy syndrome has kept me a virgin(against my will, not on some holier than thou ish) until I'm almost 20 years old now.

 

So here goes, towards the beginning of my freshman year of college I met this girl at a party. I kept running into her again and again and I really was attracted to her so I hit her up on Facebook and asked her out. I'd never gone on a date before nor admitted to a girl that I was attracted to them (Yeah, I'm behind) so that was kind of a big deal for me.

 

We kept hanging out quite a bit and then later in the schoolyear(january-ish), my close guy friends decided to rush a black fraternity and because of this, they couldn't talk to/see anyone but brothers so my only close friend was this girl. We got really close but I couldn't tell if she was romantically interested in me or if she wasn't super sexually active so I kind of chilled out with making any advances.

 

I guess another important detail would be that I was going to rush a different black fraternity and I prepledged with three other people before being told that I couldn't do it because of my grades. Later in the schoolyear, the three guys that I was prepledging with finally crossed and I took the girl to see their initiation ceremony. She seemed really amazed by it and it didn't worry me much at that point until one night I went to a party with her and another friend. We all got really drunk and the other friend suggested we come to his dorm and play videogames. I was laying on the couch with the girl and two of the frat members come in and introduce themselves to her and try to show off a little. I laughed it off after they left and told her they were probably going to try to come on to her on facebook the next day... they did.

 

I thought nothing of it and continued on with my relationship until I decided that I needed to do something. That's another story, but what eventually happened was after I kind of indirectly asked her if she wanted a relationship she said things were complicated and they didn't need to be more complicated. She was right. Over the course of the next month, I found out that my romantic interest/only close friend for three months had had sex with two of the guys I was prepledging with and at least 5 other guys.

 

I was kind of mad but I figured we were not exclusive so she technically didn't do anything wrong even though it was kind of bogus. We got into a semi-fight about it and we were "cool" but awkward throughout the summer.

 

One of my would be frat brothers that she had sex with her was coincidentally my friend's ex-boyfriend and he really treated her like garbage. I already had my reservations about him because of that, but after this situation, I didn't get along with him because he went around bragging about it and telling people not to tell me about it while the other brother came to my face and said he did it because we weren't dating so he felt it was fine.

 

If it were anybody else, I would have dropped them like a hot potato but I really loved this girl. I just felt at home any time I was with her and even if I couldn't date her I just wanted to be her friend so I could be around her and make sure she was alright.

 

Now fast forward to this year. My other close friends are done with their frat pledging but we're not quite as close as we were before. I only talk to the girl like once or twice every two weeks through text messages and never see her in person until a halloween party after which we sat together on a bus and talked, effectively rekindling our relationship. We were somewhat close again, but not like before at all but something seemed a little off. Throughout the year we hung out and got very close, but it felt as though there was a lot of sexual tension between us but I was still in the friend zone for one odd reason or the other. I also heard rumours that the frat brother I don't get along with was boning regularly. Towards the end of this school year we would hang out almost every day and she never mentioned his name however...

 

One night when we were drunk and walking back from a party, we walked past his apartment and she looked at her phone and said she had to "pick something up" (at 3 AM) and went inside. This happened in one way or another at least 4 times up until last week. I was gradually getting more and more confused and fed up with her acting strange and I knew that she had some sort of relationship with him that she felt she couldn't talk about with me.

 

I went home for the weekend and came back to school to see her relationship status had changed to being in a relationship with him and she continues to talk to me as though nothing's changed.

 

---

 

So my problem is: I don't know if she is trying to play me or if she legitimately likes me as a friend. I admit jealousy does come into play here, but I really think this guy is a nasty jerk and he has said and done some awful things both to her, his ex, and other girls. Regardless of my romantic interest in this girl, above all, we're really close friends and I feel as though I've failed her by keeping her away from this guy.

 

Should I just cut her off or should I tell her how I feel?

 

[sorry for all the writing, I'm really torn up about this and it'd seem like a simple answer without the {believe it or not, very abridged}backstory.]

[dramallama]

I think she sees you only as a friend, sorry. I know it hurts - I've been there and then some!

 

She's had plenty of times to come onto you, or to pick up on your attraction to her. Try not to beat yourself up about not keeping her away from that guy she is now in a relationship with. It's HER job to be a good judgement of character in regards to the people she dates. Do you really want such a girlfriend who is a bit dull like that? She'll learn her lesson soon enough, and you deserve a girlfriend who will appreciate your good qualities. She probably snuck around with that guy at 3am not to make you jealous, but because she picked up that you had the hots for her, and didn't want to get you upset.

 

Also, she had sex with 2 of those frat guys, plus 5 other guys within the space of one month? Why would you want such a loose girlfriend anyway? You deserve better, really. Especially as you're still a virgin. Don't lose your virginity to someone where you'll only be another number. But by the sounds of things she doesn't feel for you that way, anyway.

 

If you're at college, as hard as it is, NC this girl and look elsewhere. Otherwise you won't move on.

[MisterMister]

Thanks a ton for the advice/reading that wall of text. I'm fine with just being friends with her but I feel like that's not even going too great. Last year when stuff went bad I told her I'd have her back no matter what and then it ended up that it was my fault she ended up meeting this dude. And its not even a simple jealousy thing, this guy has passed on STDs, messed w/ random highschool girls and kicked them out, publicly degraded his passed out ex, etc. I really don't want my friend to go through that. This guy apparently told her at one point, "I can see myself in a long term relationship, but not with you."

 

Also, while I do think I'm friend-zoned, I don't think its complete. She and her friends confirmed that last year she liked me a lot but I never made a move. And this year she never talks about other guys around me, never mentions this guys name, she hooked up with one of my other close friends for about a week this year while we still weren't talking and she never even addressed that to me. I have a lot of female friends and a clear indication of being in the friend-zone is when they talk to you about other guys and she actively changes the subject when people try to get her to do it around me. There are other things, but I'd say its just vibes I get from her.

 

Finally, I don't really care who I give my virginity to as long as I find them attractive. Its not a huge deal to me. The way I go about it is more of a big deal to me than anything. I've had lot of opportunities but I hate being corny/sleazy/slimy so I avoid a lot of the chances I get. (or maybe that's what I tell myself, haha)

[geekgirl4]

I think you should forget about her. Yes, you two weren't exclusive but you weren't special enough to deter her from sleeping with 5+ other guys?! And then all these messy relationships she's having with guys. Sounds like a lot of drama and a lot of actions pointing to the fact that she does not know what she wants.

 

You deserve better.

 

Keep her as a friend and realize that when someone really likes you, you're the center of their world and they won't stay away from being with you. This sort of wishy washy girl doesn't deserve your attention. It doesn't matter if she has a pleasant personality, let me tell you, there's plenty of girls like that. The girl who knows what she wants and does what she can to keep what she wants is the keeper. Hang in there!!!

[MisterMister]

Thanks a bunch, you're probably right. My thing about keeping her as a friend is that its difficult to see her around this guy. If she was dating another guy or even the other brother in that frat I would have been a tiny bit jealous but kept it to myself and moved on. This guy is a complete punk and I'd try to keep any of my female friends away from him or even advise male freshmen to be careful around him.

 

I used to be cool with him, but not particularly close and he was a sophomore when I was a freshman and he'd give me advice on what classes to take, etc. And while hanging around with him, I noticed that he is very good with people and he can persuade a lot of his friends/girls to do things they normally wouldn't do. His ex that I mentioned earlier that he treated like garbage absolutely hates this girl partially because of what she did to me, partially because she's dating him and was hooking up with him on and off for a year, and finally because she thinks she's a hoe and doesn't respect her. She claims she hates him too because of the things he did to her and the things he's done to other people, but she just told me two days ago that she was secretly hanging out with him until earlier last month. Both girls have told me they hated his guts at some point but they still keep going back to him.

 

Normally, I'd warn someone once and then let them do whatever they want. But this girl was my closest friend for a while and we got pretty close again this year and I really am trying to keep her away from that kind of person. Now that they're dating officially, however, I don't think its my business what he says/does to her but its a the back of my mind all the time.

[geekgirl4]

: ( It's always tough seeing someone close to you walk blindly towards a cliff. Keep in mind that she is an adult who MUST make her own decisions. You've done what you can to warn her, the only thing you can do is let her live her life and make her own decisions. And if she doesn't, then there's nothing you can do. It's sweet that you care about her this much but don't get too emotionally involved. A friendship isn't one where the other party is constantly hurting.

[dramallama]

I know you want to keep her as a friend, but since you have feelings for her, it would be best if you kicked your contact with her down a notch. She doesn't want to listen to you, and I'm sure she's heard the rumours about him. If not, then you've already warned her and she's chosen not to listen to you. She has to make her own mistakes and find out who that jerk is from her own experiences. Or perhaps she likes the bad-boy type. Either way it's her decision from now on.

 

If you are thinking about them together, you are just torturing yourself. There are PLENTY of nice girls who would love to receive the kind of attention and concern you are showing to your female friend. For the sake of yourself, look elsewhere. You really deserve better than her, and she's chosen to be with someone else (and she seems a bit immature and loose, no offense.)

[MisterMister]

Thanks, you guys. I agree with you all. I have already stopped hanging out with her for the most part and now its like a chunk of my nights are missing.

 

I feel a little bad about it because we get along just fine and have a lot of fun together as long as we don't talk about him, but now its kind of necessary/inevitable. And from her perspective, they had been "dating" for a while but weren't official[and nobody that didn't frequent his apartment really knew] so nothing has really changed. Looking at it that way, I'd kind of be being a jerk or acting jealous by cutting her off all of the sudden for no appparent reason.

 

And I also feel bad because as immature and loose as she seems/may be, she's a really nice person and doesn't try to hurt anyone intentionally. She just has terrible self esteem. We were talking about future plans one time and I said I was sad because my peak in life wouldn't be until I'm around like 35 because I want to be a surgeon. And she told me she thinks she already peaked back in highschool and is on a decline now. Or this year, we used to smoke weed together all the time and one time when she invited me, I told her I don't smoke during the day because I get dumb and slow and don't want certain people to see me that way she told me that she is always like that so it doesn't matter.

 

Girls like that are really easy to take advantage of and this guy is very perceptive of that. But like you all said, if she doesn't get it by now she's not going to until something bad happens to her. I can't do anything and I probably shouldn't, but if anything really bad happens to her I won't be able to help feeling like... 1/16 responsible, if that makes sense.

[dramallama]

MisterMister, if you get a long just fine and have a lot of fun together, then she will miss and appreciate you more if you go NC. Even then she may only ever see you as a friend. Yes, it will feel like there is a lot of your time left to spare, but what else productive could you do in that time? Maybe when you're ready, strike up a conversation with a different girl and ask if she wants to go on a date?

 

As for exiting her life for no apparent reason, over the next month gradually limit your contact, saying you got caught up in school, friends, other. Think of it, and demonstrate, as bowing out gracefully rather than an abrupt no contact, if that isn't your style. She's living her life, and you've got to live yours. It's quite liberating when you think of it that way.

 

I know you want to be her protector, but what else can you do? There are other girls out there who would love to be protected by you, and would actually listen to you.

[Ms Darcy]

Hey Mister,

 

I just wanted to note that I have serious vibes with a couple of guys that I dated but I didn't want to be with. Sometimes those vibes can stem from awkwardness and knowing he wants me in a way I don't want him. At the same time, I do want the friendship.

 

What is interesting about your story is that I think you read a lot more into it than was actually there. You talk about a 'relationship' with her, but it was nothing more than a friendship. Maybe she did like you at one point, but her feelings shifted to someone else. And I think she's done the right thing by not talking about other guys when you are around.

 

I will say, though, that her sexual behavior is troublesome. Sleeping with seven guys in a short span of time ... I don't think she's the type that you would want to be with anyway.

 

Best to move on buddy.

[MisterMister]

Thanks, all.

[PaGuy23]

Sorry for your situation my friend. Sometimes people won't give us the answers we seek for some reason. As for caring about her as a friend that's cool, but hurting because she's dating someone else probably isn't the emotion of a friend. If you can't be in her life without having these emotions you might want to remove yourself for awhile and comeback when you've gained some insight on the subject. I listen to the blues when I'm down you're situation is pretty much exactly the same as the one in "it hurts me too" Give it a listen.

 

 

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[MisterMister]

Haha, thanks for the suggestion. Its nice to hear how other people get through tough situations.

 

But to clarify, its not hurting because she's dating someone else. If the opportunity had come up, I would date her but I wouldn't go out of my way because her behavior isn't that of someone I'd want to date. I'm unhappy because she's dating an * * * * * * * . I used to hang out with him at the beginning of my freshman year and even when we would hang out I sensed something weird about him but I just didn't know.

 

Her current boyfriend and I have a lot of mutual friends and he's said all sorts of awful stuff about her to them and they tell me. I think she doesn't care because she has low self-esteem and this will only make whatever problems she has worse.

 

I've admitted before, I'm a little jealous but that is not what is bothering me. For a couple weeks earlier in the quarter, I would hang out with her and a guy friend that I thought she might have been messing around with. It was kind of awkward when she'd ask me out and he'd be there but I never had any animosity towards him and actually grew to like him because he was a decent guy. It turns out they were just friends, but if she dated him or almost anyone else I'd still be a little bit jealous but I'd just keep it moving, make friends with the dude and hang out with her like normal.