Is this normal

[Sam _]

I'm used to being in relationships where I can actually do things with the girl I'm dating. Me and this one girl have been dating for almost 9 months and things have pretty much died down in the past couple months.

 

-She is 16, 17 this fall. I'm turning 21. We have to lie to her parents and just about everyone else about my age so her parents don't find out I'm not 18. Her parents automatically don't approve of guys if they're 2+ years older than her.

 

-She isn't allowed to go hang out without them. Especially not with guys, since apparently we're all doing nothing but waiting to have sex with a girl and nothing else. In order to see each other she HAS to lie about it. Says she has to go to the library for an hour. If they find out shes seeing me without their permission, they will clamp down even harder on her. We've literally only had one date and can only see each other for 2 hours at a time. And we can only see each other twice a week due to my tight work and college schedule.

 

-We've had sex, but we haven't at all in the past 2 weeks because one of us is usually either stressed or tired for one reason or another.

 

-No arguments or fights. I'm generally pretty good at talking and keeping fights from breaking out while still resolving a situation. Neither of us NEVER have anything new going on. Therefore, we have nothing to talk about. This is especially true for me because nothing of interest has really gone on. So basically our conversations are nothing more than "How was your day" and "Love you, goodnight".

 

We have to wait until she is 18 until we can see each other like an actual couple. However, as soon as she is 18 she is going to a 4-year university and the nearest one is 50 miles away. I just started a 2-year university. We plan on moving in with each other as soon as possible. However, is a little over two years from now before that happens. Until then, this will likely be how things will be until then. Maybe with the last couple months with us not being able to see each other at all due to her being 50 miles away while I'm still in the local Tech College.

 

I want to make this work because she is the best GF I've ever had and she says the same about me being the best BF she's ever had. Meaning I've never hit her, cheated, yelled, or treated her bad at all and actually romance her and make her feel happy. According to her, no other guy has done that and I'm in the same boat. Any advice on how to continue to make this work?

 

By the way, talking to her parents won't work. She's already tried it and so have I. They are nuts about me, but I can't stand them because they berate her and insult her as badly as possible for little things. The most recent being her not putting her money in her wallet the "correct" way.

[Citlali]

I don't know that there is a right way to approach this right now, especially if her parents are not very understanding. The best thing is to continue being discreet about your relationship until she turns 18. The reason I say that is that if she starts to rebel now and they find out you're going to be 21, they might try pressing charges against you for statutory rape out of anger for your lie. That is basically a strict liability crime, meaning that no intent is required. As long as she is under 18 and you are older, you can be charged. My fiance knew a girl in school who was 18 and dating a 17 year old guy. His parents hated the girl and when they found out, they pressed charges and she actually had to register as a sex offender. In short, be careful how you go about this relationship. Don't give them any reason to harass you or her. As soon as she turns 18, she at least can use her legal independence to make more decisions on her own.

[krill]

You're 21 and you're dating a 16 year old? I know we're not really supposed to pass judgement here, but that seems awfully young and in every situation I would support the parents.

 

No offense.

[SocialStigma]

No offense but I wouldn't approve of my 16 year old daughter dating a 20 year old either. I'd be worried that he is taking advantage of her naivete and willingness to please an older guy. Of course that is not always the case and I'm sure there are guys that are willing to wait and not pressure a younger girl but just by being with an older guy, a girl will feel pressured to have sex with him, especially if he is not a virgin and she is.

 

I'm 20, my sister is 16 and if any of my guy friends went after my sister I would kick their butts. So until she turns 18, I think it's best if you keep it discreet, sounds like her parents wouldn't hesitate to press charges against you for statutory rape if they found out.

 

However, it sounds like you guys are in a rut despite no fighting/arguments (which I think is pretty normal for 9 months, I didn't have my first fight with my boyfriend until a little over a year together). It's odd to me though that you guys have nothing to talk about because you are probably still in the honeymoon phase and usually that's when a couple can talk for hours and hours.

[anu1560]

Sorry to say, she is still by law considered a KID. I can understand her parents attitude.

[SpottiOtti]

I think that even down the line they could still press charges . . . what's the statute of limitations on statutory rape?

 

When I was younger I lost my virginity to a much older guy. We lied to my parents about his age. Now that I'm older, I can't believe he actually slept with me. I feel that I was taken advantage of - like another poster said, he took advantage of my naivete and willingness to please an older guy. After sleeping with me for awhile, when he figured out that I couldn't do any of the things he could do, like go to bars and clubs and such, and that I had nothing in common with any of his friends, he dumped me. I was devastated.

 

I don't think there is realistically a future with you two. I just hope her confidence and self-esteem aren't shattered when it finally does disintegrate.

[Sam _]

She has to be secretive and discreet to do anything. When she goes out to see friends or went out with any of her exes when they were dating. My age doesn't matter in the sense that they're like this with literally any and everyone she is friends with and dates. Her parents HAVE to be around whenever she is outside the house because they think her hanging out with friends is an excuse to go do drugs, drink, and have sex. We didn't start having sex until about 2 months ago. She started initiating about 3 months ago but I told her I wanted to wait until she was 18 and wasn't exactly ready yet anyway (we took each others' virginity).

 

Normally I wouldn't go out with someone 4 years younger than me. The youngest I usually date is one year younger. But she is the exception because she is more stable and mature than most girls I've dated and actually has her life thought out in a realistic way. She is in early-college classes so she'll be getting her associates degree along with her high school diploma. Plus all of my friends happen to also have been all of her friends as well, we just happen to never have met until 11 months ago.

 

I'm not asking for approval on me and her dating because of our age difference because I don't care about that, no offense. What I want and need is advice on how to make this work for the next 2 years. Just act like we're both 16 then because really, age shouldn't even be a factor in anyone's opinion on a relationship.

[Citlali]

When I was younger I lost my virginity to a much older guy. We lied to my parents about his age. Now that I'm older, I can't believe he actually slept with me. I feel that I was taken advantage of - like another poster said, he took advantage of my naivete and willingness to please an older guy. After sleeping with me for awhile, when he figured out that I couldn't do any of the things he could do, like go to bars and clubs and such, and that I had nothing in common with any of his friends, he dumped me. I was devastated.

 

I don't think there is realistically a future with you two. I just hope her confidence and self-esteem aren't shattered when it finally does disintegrate.

 

It looks like you're just transferring your bad experience on to their experience. You write as if you're assuming the OP is just like the guy you slept with without good reason. However, just because someone "took advantage" of you at that age doesn't mean it is the same for everyone else in a similar situation. If they do end up parting ways, as it is for most young love, it would probably be for other reasons, like disagreements about fundamental issues or finding someone else.

[Sam _]

I don't think they would press charges. They know how much I care about her and, if they knew I was 21, my age would be the only reason why they would disapprove. Whenever I'm around them they seem to like me and talk about me after I leave in a very good way according to her. She says that she has never heard her parents speak so well about anyone she is dating.

[Sam _]

It looks like you're just transferring your bad experience on to their experience. You write as if you're assuming the OP is just like the guy you slept with without good reason. However, just because someone "took advantage" of you at that age doesn't mean it is the same for everyone else in a similar situation. If they do end up parting ways, as it is for most young love, it would probably be for other reasons, like disagreements about fundamental issues or finding someone else.

 

Its an understandable thing though. I won't deny that there are guys like that out there, but I'm not like that. I know what its like to be used, I wouldn't do that to someone else.

 

Fundamental issues as in what? We seem to have the same views in terms of where our finances should go, raising children, and several other things.

 

And finding someone else, I'm the type of person that I wouldn't cheat or break up with someone just because I met someone that I like. Maybe when a real reason comes up that actually gives us a reason to break up that involves just us rather than that other person.

[SpottiOtti]

It looks like you're just transferring your bad experience on to their experience. You write as if you're assuming the OP is just like the guy you slept with without good reason. However, just because someone "took advantage" of you at that age doesn't mean it is the same for everyone else in a similar situation.

 

Yeah, you're probably right. Sorry if I'm painting you with the wrong brush, OP.

[Sam _]

It looks like you're just transferring your bad experience on to their experience. You write as if you're assuming the OP is just like the guy you slept with without good reason. However, just because someone "took advantage" of you at that age doesn't mean it is the same for everyone else in a similar situation.

 

Yeah, you're probably right. Sorry if I'm painting you with the wrong brush, OP.

Its okay, its understandable. Its normal for everyone to have some of their personal experiences affect their point of view on a situation, even more so if it was bad experience.

[Citlali]

Its an understandable thing though. I won't deny that there are guys like that out there, but I'm not like that. I know what its like to be used, I wouldn't do that to someone else.

 

Of course there are guys like that out there. What I am saying is that it isn't justified to write as if ALL guys were like that just because a bad guy hurt you.

 

Fundamental issues as in what? We seem to have the same views in terms of where our finances should go, raising children, and several other things.

 

You may now, but as you get older things may change. That would be normal. You should be aware of the possibility, though. If you agree on everything now, then great. Perhaps it will stay that way and you might end up together for a long time to come!

 

And finding someone else, I'm the type of person that I wouldn't cheat or break up with someone just because I met someone that I like. Maybe when a real reason comes up that actually gives us a reason to break up that involves just us rather than that other person.

 

Well, that's good. It speaks well of you. I'm not saying that as soon as you find someone you "like" you will bail out on her. I'm just saying that there is a possibility that if there are things wrong with you two or even if everything is ok but you grow apart or find someone you identify and are more comfortable with, you two may split. There is always that possibility. However, if you approach things the way you do now you will be fine. It could be that no one will ever disrupt your relationship. I certainly wish you the best.

 

In short, all I mean to say is that while it is great you two seem committed to each other, and you don't seem like a bad guy, time and experience may change your relationship and ultimately lead to its end. You should be aware of the possibility, as most young love ends for one reason or another.

 

 

 

@SpottiOtti: I didn't mean to sound harsh. It's just that it can hurt YOU more than anyone else to hold on to bad experiences and allow yourself to transfer them on to other things in life without good reason. It wasn't great that a bad guy hurt you, but don't let that color your view of all other guys or relationships!

[SocialStigma]

Unfortunately it sounds like you don't really have much choice but to stick it out for the next 2 years, her parents don't sound like they're going to loosen up anytime soon. It will be hard but if you think that she and your relationship is worth it then do your best to keep the relationship going despite the circumstances.

 

Just be aware that she may change when she goes to university. Everyone always says people change the most between 16-25 and I know that I'm much different than how I was 4 years ago when I was 16. As she grows up, she may change and your relationship may change too. If you guys change together in the same direction then that's great, but more often than not, young couples will find themselves no longer compatible and that's fine too. I'm not trying to be a debbie downer as I've been with my boyfriend since we were 16 and went through people saying "high school relationships never last, you'll break up in freshman year of university" etc so I know what that's like, but we have been lucky so far that we've both changed and matured together. Lots of my friends didn't and there were lots of breakups in our freshman year.