feeling bad

[CodeMaster7]

hey, i check this site quite often because i'm interested in others problems and also the solutions ( i don't post often.. I'm more a listener)... but now i've also got a problem.. or more.. dunno..

 

I'm 17 years old now and feeling bad... it's not that my life isn't good. I'm rather good at school and i've got many friends but no g/f, even though i could have 3 of them, but i don't really feel love for them.

 

I just read the post about the guy who love this girl he had 7 months ago. My case is rather similar, except for that i have never had a serious relationship with this girl, but i still love her and i've tried so hard to forget her and now i doubt i will ever be able to.. i feel alone.. empty.. usually at weekends i drink a lot or/and smoke weed.. i know it is not good but it makes me feel better.. and if it is only for a few hours... i think i'd also try XTC if somebody had one... sometimes i'm afraid of myself. i don't feel this way all the time though... usually in school i'm the happy guy who seems to have no problems at all and completely enjoys his life, but that's not true.

 

i feel empty, unable to move on, unable to follow my own principles...

 

I had to write something to feel better. excuse my grammer if there are any faults in the text, i'm not a native speaker.

[Gilgamesh]

ok first off stay away from the "substances" as they will only cover up the symptoms but will not get to the root of the problem.

 

You never really healed completely from this other girl, there is something holding you back, you cannot love another person before your heart is healed!

 

As i dont have all the details of what happened ill be general .

 

when you go through a break up, you will pass through different emotions, Sadness, Fear, Anger and Sorrow. if you dont experience everyone of these emotions you will not heal completely.

 

Iam getting some of this from the book Mars Venus Starting over,

 

Sadness; you need to feel the sadness of what did not happen in that relationship that you wanted to happen.

 

Fear; allows you to explore what could happen that we do not want to happen, its the fear of our vulnerability of being hurt again.

 

Sorrow; Over the emotional recognition that what we wanted to happen cannot be. how we feel powerless to undo what has happened.

 

Anger; Comes from what happened that we did not want to happen,

 

I would bet my lunch money that Anger is the emotion that you skipped after the breakup, i mean how can you be angry with someone you like?

 

feeling anger will reconnect you to your passion for love and life.

 

You need to get a piece of paper, and try and go over what happened with that past relationship, what happened that you did not want to happen? and why? who do you blame? what did you want to happen but was impossible ? What fears did you have of what could have happened that you did not want to happen? and what made you sad, think of all the things you would have liked to happen that didnt have a chance of happening.

 

You see your trying to suppress your emotions, but its all those emotions you need to let out, you need to feel the fear from the possibility of being rejected again, you need to feel sorry for all the things that could have been but never become reality.

 

Iam going to put mine down,

 

Iam Sad, that the plans I had with my Ex, to get married and have a loving family together will never happen, all my dreams of a happy life with her, gone forever. I feel sad for these lost dreams that could have come true.

 

I feel the fear, because I put all my trust in this woman and really believed she loved me, i never doubted this, and i was so careful to be sure she really loved me, everything was going beautiful between us, and like a lightning bolt through my heart she ended it all, If she could do this to me, whos to say it cant happen again? thats a real fear, I can be betrayed again and have my heart ripped out be the roots.

 

I feel sorrow, that Im out of control to change the way things are, if only i had the power to change everthing that happened, but its hopeless. its over and there is nothing i can do about it.

 

And finally Anger, (this one came last, yesterday in fact) Angry at all the things that happened that didnt have to happen, angry at her for the insensitive way she ended the relationship, the lies, the betrayal. angry that she hates me because i loved her.

 

I have gone and going through all of these healing emotions, you need to find out which ones you did not heal in.

 

I hope this helped a bit, it did for me, when you find those emotions that are tucked way down in your broken heart, let them come out, if its anger, let it rip, if its sadness, cry your eyes out. you need to go through them all.

[sisterlynch]

Recreational drugs add to the problem of depression, because they give you a false sense of security, instead of dealing with the real problem. The only way to fall out of love with one person is to fall in love with someone new. The new person could be yourself. When you are depressed, think of all your qualities and how drinking and smoking are developing bad habits, you use them when you are sad or insecure, and they get rid of those irritating feelings, instead try and hold yourself in high esteem. Say I am too good for that or I don't really need that to feel better about myself or how I am doing.

 

If you are bold under the influense of alcohol, think about how you could do things differently to keep your feelings under control.

 

The drinking and drugs are an excuse, you do it on the weekends to keep from feeling bored. I really think that exercise and eating right are the solutions to many of our personal problems.

[RedWolf]

Try to surround yourself with new positive experiences. You must be able to love yourself before you can truly love others.

[CodeMaster7]

thanks for the answers!

 

to Gilgamesh: thanks for your detailed answer! you are right. i don't feel anger for her.. that's because i've got no real reason to.. as i said, i was never in a serious relationship with her.. i met her on the school-trip to france (we are from austria) and we liked each other at first sight. we only say once during the trip, because she comes from another school and had different targets to visit. then when we went home again (by bus) we had a little spare time in Monaco (what a city!!...) and there we walked a bit around and then finally kissed us.. shortly before we kissed she told me that she'd actually a b/f in dubai (that's about 3000 km away from austria, very long distance).. well, i thought that all will go well and she will break up with her b/f but she didn't... 2 weeks later she sent me a message saying that "there is no point" and excused for what was happened. during this 2 weeks she always said she needs time.. well, i stayed in contact with her and phoned her sometimes.. then i got a new g/f but didn't feel love for her - we broke up, it wasn't hard for either of us because there were no real feelings. then i started to actually forget her, i was really happy about that...

 

but then... *bang* SHE phoned me... i was really happy that she phoned me but at the same time angry that i felt in love with her again.. she told me that her b/f broke up with her (she hadn't seen him since i met her first) .. i phoned her again, she said she would come to visit me.. i was happy, but in the end she again, hadn't time to come. (she lives about 1-2 hours away btw) ... i know that she hasn't got much time, because she is in the final class of her school but i also think that if she'd really like me she would find the time to come... also i don't know why she would want to come if she doesn't want anything from me.. or maybe she just wants to be "good friends" .. it's 3 weeks ago now since i last heard something from her.. i ask myself if i should directly ask her.. or if i should wait to see her again and then let her decide.. i really don't know... i think i will call her again today - just for some small-talk... maybe for a new date... but i have got to end it somehow soon because it's killing me...

 

to sisterlynch: well, ... i can stay away from drugs if i have to drive a car or something that needs my full responsibility.. but when i feel like there is no reason to not do it... i take em.. sounds kinda stupid, i know.. i don't feel addicted yet, but i think that's because i still live at home with my parents and that makes it kinda hard to smoke weed all the time.. i think right now i could get addicted if i lived alone.. for the drinking part: it's really hard to not drink on week-ends in austria.. everybody drinks here (legal drinking age is 16 here).

 

to redwolf: yeh true, but i think I've got enough positive experiences but I feel like there is something missing in my life... and if i try to do other stuff i feel like i only compensate what i miss and never get to the real contentment.

 

thanks again!

[cookies]

wow..u guys said it all..and redwolf, you sound like SwingFox..haha...thats so cool...

 

but to ask a question to G...

 

That process sounds pretty accurate and most definitely instrumental in healing... but i was wandering...

 

ok...after the "anger" phase...is that the last phase of this healing process?

or is possible that another phase could be incorparated into this...like "forgiving" and "releasing" the anger...because i wholeheartedly believe that we cant successfully move forward into another relationship until after we have alllowed ourself to be at peace after "forgiving" and releasing the anger...

 

thanX 4 ur input

 

cookies

[Gilgamesh]

To Codemaster

 

When someone just breaksup they sometimes need to feel wanted and loved again, when this girl called you up, she was probably just reaching out. she is not ready at this time for a relationship. your doing the right thing by not calling her, let her make the next move.

 

To Cookies:

 

Yes you are right, the 4 healing emotions are something we should go through but not get stuck on, we have to eventually release all these emotions, there is no sequence, as a man may go through the Anger first then saddness and fear etc. everyone is different.

 

Although i still feel a little of the other emotions still, id have to say "Anger" is what iam going through now. but it will pass, as did the others. I didnt surpress any emotion but allowed each one to surface do what they needed to do and dealt with it, when I go into a new relationship my heart will be healed stronger than before, but not numb!! i will be a complete person again with ALL my emotions.

 

How many times have you come accross people that because of something that happened in an earlier relationship, find it hard to, Trust, or love fully? how many are afraid of commitment because of fear? how many break up again because of the simplest reasons because of anger?

 

For me to have and feel the wonderful feelings of love that I had in my previous relationship I need to have all my emotions available and under control.

 

By understanding these things iunderstand my eXs actions also, she was afraid of commitment and sabotaged a perfect relationship at the last minute because of fear. She never healed completely from her previous relationship, she didnt pass through all those emotions, she surpressed them. because of the weird situation she never went through the breakup process with her eX. so those fears bled over into our relationship.

 

i am still angry at her for the way she treated me, and I hope I can forgive her someday, I am not one to hold a grudge but she really sank her teeth in deep.

[Aura Seeker]

".. i feel alone.. empty.. usually at weekends i drink a lot or/and smoke weed.."

 

The scariest thing with this statement is you are making life decisions on how you are handling things. It is ironic how the weekends turn out to be your whole life. There is nothing recreational about this statement.

 

It all starts out ok......until the day you try to quit.

 

Just for fun, why don't you set a time limit for yourself. Say....a month. That isn't a long time. Try moving forward without the drugs and alcohol. You might surprise yourself, but in the end you will know where you stand. In control, or out of control. If you are out of control, you will have a billion excuses of why you should partake in the mean time. Or you will just tell yourself right now that it isn't a problem. Why don't you check? Just check?

 

Take care, this is just my opinion. ;-)

 

AS

[CodeMaster7]

to Gilgamesh:

 

yeah... probably you are right.. even so i called her today and as usual we had a nice conversation.. she said she wanna come soon..

 

 

to Aura Seeker:

 

"...you are making life decisions on how you are handling things" - i don't fully understand what you mean with this.

 

well, the week-ends aren't my whole life but i must admit they are a big part of it because all "important" things happen on week-ends.. i get to know new people, i have fun, i don't have to care about anything, ...

 

yeah, i should check myself.. but i can't right now, because next week-end there is a really cool party at a friend's house... and then there are holidays, when it is nearly impossible to stay away from them...

 

LAME EXCUSES... i know... wow, maybe i'm already a bit out of control.. thanks for showing that to me... the thing is, e.g. that party: i'm really looking forward to that party, and i must admit that i also look forward to smoking weed again and drinking spirits and feeling relaxed and comfortable after that...

 

if i say, i'll stop after THAT party that doesn't sound very believable, does it?

 

i could just not take it serious at all and move on.. is it serious at all??

 

maybe i grow out of the drugs when i'm mature enough...

 

i don't know.. i don't feel like stoping now.. it's just too comfortable.. maybe it do is TOO comfortable.. well, they aren't called drugs for no reason, so of course they are TOO comfortable...

 

ey, my mind's fu**ed up now...

 

 

again, thanks for your advice!

[Aura Seeker]

Hi there, lol, not "lame" excuses. Just excuses. That wasn't meant to sound mean in any way, hope you didn't hear it like that. ;-)

 

 

My point, from experience unfortunately, is that the weekends meld into being your whole life! So if you are a weekend warrior, and using is because you are "alone, hurting....ect" that you mentioned......those are red flag words to be mixing with substances?

 

To me, hearing many experiences on the subject...not just mine ;-) you jumped right from a recreational user to addictive user! It could save you a lot of heart ache in the future just to check which one you are....that's all ;-)

 

Thanks for responding to me....hope you get what you want! ;-)

 

AS

[CodeMaster7]

Hey again!

 

I'm feeling better and i'm more confident about myself right now.

 

i think i'm just kinda confused about my (rather new) emotions and all the emotional things that have to do with girls..

 

about the drugs. according to some online-tests, i'm not an addicted user ... maybe i'm a bit at risk with trying out new stuff, but i'm in control of that..

 

when i really think of it, i'm not using those things because i'm alone or feeling bad. maybe i sometimes use alcohol to be a bit more brave - i think that's no problem though.

 

i know that there are some contradictions between my posts now.. that's because i'm not always really sure about what i really feel and i'm also often unsure about what i think. pls don't blame me for that.

 

thanks for your time to all!

[Aura Seeker]

I hear that codemaster. I don't always feel consistant either. None of us do! ;-)

 

Hormones and emotions can be aweful things hey?

 

It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders.

 

Take care.

 

AS