she has a bf! im losing it! help!

[dre760]

So I am copy and pasting most of the last thread I made so u have an idea of what's been going on these past few months.

 

 

 

So it is official that she has a new bf. I do not know how long they have been together but my guess would be somewhere between 1-3 months??

 

She texted me at midnight on my bday to say happy birthday. I did not respond.

 

I am feeling worse and worse. I figured 5 months into this I would be doing a lot better. I have her fb hidden from my news feeds but I still keep looking. I really don't know how to stop visiting her page. I can go a few days but then I'm right back on it again.

 

So I have been thinking a lot today. What if she was waiting fir me to start contacting her again and drastic pursuing her? What if she got sooo sick of my stupid NIC and decided to move on? This is going to haunt me forever and I will probably never know the answer. I really want to make a move towards her. I have completely shut her out of my life for 5 months. If I was the Dumper and my ex did NIC, it would piss me off and I would probably move on. Now I know dumpees should leave their ex alone completely if they enter another relationship. But am I really supposed to just sit here and let my ex fall in love with somebody else? If I'm going to make a move, I need to do it before its too late. I just want to send her a text. Ask her How shes been. Tell her I'm here to talk to if she needs me. I just want to start contact again. I haven't been the first to initiate contact in 4 months.

 

I am soooo down right now. I'm sick of using games to try and get her back. I'm sick of telling myself: "the best way to get her back is to move on." Or " NC is for you to heal, maybe ill get her back, maybe I wont." The problem with these is that I can't move on. I have tried almost everything. Time heals all wounds? Well apparently 5 months is not enough. Unfortunately its enough for her to heal, move on, and get a new bf!!!

 

Sorry for the unorganized thread and rant guys. I thought I was passed all this. But there comes a time where I need to stop lying to myself. I am not okay. I wont be okay anytime soon. I wont be for a very long time

 

Help please.

[FootofGod]

First, if you really can't stop looking at her fb, hide the damn battery to your computer. Seriously. You can do without it, without facebook, without this site. If it is a pain to you, remove it!

 

Look, it sucks. I'd bet it's like getting broken up with all over again, but that's the risk you take. When you're looking to reconcile, especially if you're not cautious, you're playing with fire. And she... isn't. She's doing whatever she feels is best for her.

 

Are you in this for some short-term magic or the long game? If you are, you need to move on an NOT fixate on thoughts like "what if she falls in love." So what? She fell in love with you, didn't she? Little good that did. If she broke up with you, she can break up with him. Maybe by that time she'll learn that her concept of "love" just doesn't work, and she'll be ready for a mature relationship, or maybe you'll truly realize you don't need her, or maybe you'll find ANOTHER girl who does understand those thing and she'll have to continue living her own life. Either way, YOU are the winner, even if your prize isn't EXACTLY what you want. Our breakups might end up being the greatest things that ever happened to us. You're gonna hurt now, but keep pondering all that stuff - it WILL sink in, and even when you're weak, you'll know there's something stronger there.

[minou]

I say go for it so you live with no regrets. And if you don't hear back, remember that if she loved you enough she would have been all over you no matter what you did. She broke up with you. Stop beating yourself up. For every week you don't check her FB do something special for yourself. Heartbreak sucks, I know. I'm so sorry you're hurting this much. Remember, no matter what you've seen you really have no idea if they are happy. Also, sometimes a person needs to be in another relationship that doesn't work out before they can look back and realize what they had was better. Keep doing your best to move on and let time do it's thing. I know what it's like to be in pain a long time. Just do your best to keep distracting yourself. Fiction saves my life, as well as going to hear music. It helps me get lost temporarily. Best wishes.

[Lastchallenge]

I think it's a matter of time. If she really loved you she would have put her prude aside and contacted you. She left it's up to her to make the first move.

[sighh]

I had a rought time not looking at her facebook aswell. So i deleted my account. It's been deleted for about a month. And honnestly facebook is not needed, at all. Just delete it. You'll benefit from it.

[lavenderdove]

If she broke up with you, it may well have been to pursue this guy (or others) and now she has made it official with him (or maybe you just now found out about the extent of it).

 

The point is she broke up with you, and at any moment of the day or night she could say she wanted you back, and she hasn't done that. Instead, she's dating someone else. She's making a choice not to be with you, again and again, and every day.

 

If you need to feel like you gave it a shot, then call her and tell her how you feel. But remember, she has known all along that you wanted to be her boyfriend, and she didn't take you up on it. So there's a good chance she still doesn't want to.

 

Begging and pleading and calling her may make you feel more in control, but if she doesn't want to be with you it would do nothing but push her away. And if she wants to be with you, she could easily pick up the phone and tell you.

 

Remember, you are only in control of you, not her, so thinking you can 'do something' after someone dumps you only goes so far. You could try a million different methods, but if what she wants is to date others, it won't change her mind.

 

So if you must, call her and tell her you still want her back and see what she says. But really, she already knows that, and has made a choice to date another guy instead of you. You want someone who wants you, not someone who wants someone else.

[lavenderdove]

Also, i just read your post from about 10 days ago... and she was calling you and borrowing your computer and using you as a shoulder to cry on WHILE SHE'S DATING ANOTHER GUY. So she didn't even tell you about that part.

 

This is typical behavior os someone who is using an ex as a security blanket and a 'buddy' while she is moving on. So she wants you for the friend and brother type role in her life. Good for her, lousy for you.

 

Remember, she KNOWS she can call you and ask to come back and she doesn't. She calls when she needs a favor from you or she's stressed, but NOT when she wants to have fun, date, all the things one does with a boyfriend.

 

Don't let her use you while she chases other guys. It isn't a case of you doing somethin wrong and hence not bringing her back, it is clearly a case of her not wanting to come back, or she wouldn't be dating others and using you as a shoulder to cry on.

[CatsMeeoow]

Well the others have pointed out that she hasn't been forthcoming... and then leaning on you to help her make the leap to someone new.

 

You are in panic mode... your mind is whirling with the need to get her back at all costs. Your heart is racing... your palms are sweaty.

 

Stop feeding that fire.

 

Stop going to her facebook.... its agitating your panic mode.

 

This girl has decided to move on and I know (from experience) that there is nothing you can do to change that... you must let her go.

 

Deep down you really don't want a girl who would treat you this way. If you saw your bff getting treated this way you'd try to give him a wake up call.

 

Cut yourself off from her... the panic eventually goes away. You'll be surprised how angry you get when that happens with how she treated you. This is why NC is so valuable - you can't get off the Merry-Go-Round until you do.

 

Good Luck

[dre760]

Thanks guys. This is exactly what I needed to read. As for the fb thing, I still don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to delete my fb, I just want to stop looking at hers. Maybe I should just delete her as a friend?

 

As for me initiating contact, I don't think I will do anything. Although I am still tempted to send her a casual text to see if it draws her to start talking with me again. Like I said before, if I was the Dumper and my ex was doing the whole NIC thing, I would hate it and eventually just stop texting them. I feel like this is exactly what shes doing. Maybe if I start initiating she will see that I'm done with the lame NIC game I played for so long.

 

 

Looking back, I wish I went strict NC from the day of the breakup. At this point, I know I would either have her back, or be completely moved on.

[lavenderdove]

You can de-activate your FB account, such that it is offline and you won't be visible, and won't see other people's feeds anymore. You can re-activate it later when you're feeling stronger, perhaps strong enough to de-friend her if you can't do that now.

[FootofGod]

Ding ding ding! Delete her as a friend. If you must, tell her "nothing personal, just need to move on" or something of the like so she knows you're not doing it because you're being an a-hole.

[dre760]

Idk if I should just delete her or not. We are on good terms and I don't want to do any more damage than I already have. What if shes checking my page then stumbles accross it one day and sees that I deleted her? Think she will even care? What would She think of this? Think she will contact me about it?

[FootofGod]

I'm on good terms with my ex and I deleted her. I explained to her it was a part of me moving on and letting her live her life. She was sad, but hey, I'm not letting her put me on the shelf and I need to move on. And facebook is one easy way to put people on shelves.

 

*just to clarify, I still love this woman and wish she'd come back. That changes nothing. For now, it's just what I have to do.

[jellysandwich]

Idk if I should just delete her or not. We are on good terms and I don't want to do any more damage than I already have. What if shes checking my page then stumbles accross it one day and sees that I deleted her? Think she will even care? What would She think of this? Think she will contact me about it?

 

Try to ask yourself questions like these:

 

Can I resist the temptation to view her page?

Will I be hurt if I see her updates/pics/comments?

 

Notice the focus on you and not her.

[dre760]

You are right. I cannot resist the temptation to view her page. And yes, I will be hurt if I see some of her posts.

 

I'm pretty sure she thinks I don't look at her page at all right now. Deleting her will show that I am not even close to being over her and being over her is the exact image I have been trying to show her.

[BrokenHeartGuy]

Take it from a guy who learned this the hard way: DO NOT look at her facebook page any more.

 

One day you will look at it will be a picture of her with another guy and it will haunt you. You gain nothing worthwhile by looking, but you do put yourself at a big risk of seeing something you'll wish you hadn't seen.

[wheatgrass82]

First, if you really can't stop looking at her fb, hide the damn battery to your computer. Seriously. You can do without it, without facebook, without this site. If it is a pain to you, remove it!

 

She's doing whatever she feels is best for her.

 

.

 

couldn't agree more. oh my god. hide your battery. deactivate your account right now... NOW!it's making things worse

 

get yourself strong... i'm sorry to use the same advice i often use .. but this is th only advice that has worked for me...

 

you think you're never going to find anyone like her?? ahhahaah i hope not for your sake.... and pulease!!.... as if!!! do you know there are BILLIONS and BILLIONS of ppl in this world... you don't think there is someone out there for you.. someone who you will have profound love with.... you are going to meet someone who is better than her.. she defs doesn't sound perfect dude!!!

 

someone who will give you feelings you NEVER felt before.. you will experience new things.. emotionally ... mentally.. spiritually.. SEXUALLY.. but you have to get off focusing on HER life. you have your own life to live

 

your self esteem is not totally dependent on her.. it is independent from anyone. ditch the facebook man. start up an online dating site and start to flirt with new girls... start to live your life!

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[dre760]

Well it already is haunting me. I saw pics of her and a new guy and it just destroyed me.

[wheatgrass82]

go get yourself a new girl. or at least start to consider it. seriously... some of us are pretty awesome.. x

[dre760]

go get yourself a new girl. or at least start to consider it. seriously... some of us are pretty awesome.. x

 

I have considered it. I've made out with a couple girls since the breakup and we just don't have the chemistry my ex and I had. Trust me, if i can get over her and get a new gf I would. But I can't get over her. And I do not want to start a new relationship when I'm still in love with my ex. That just wouldn't be fair.

[wheatgrass82]

OH MY GOD.... DO NOT start a new relationship.. just get out there and get with as many girls as you like.. be a free man.... a constant bachelor.. like george clooney..... no need to get emotional about anything.. start to enjoy yourself again.. Be a stud. Do it.

[bish0p2004]

But there comes a time where I need to stop lying to myself. I am not okay. I wont be okay anytime soon. I wont be for a very long time

 

Help please.

 

Besides a lack of self-control, you also lack a positive attitude. You keep telling yourself that you "won't be okay" and that you "won't get over her."

 

Even if you don't fully believe that you will, you have to tell yourself that you will get past her and that you will get over her. You haven't healed in 5 months? So what? What about a year from now? What about 2 years?

 

You have to give yourself time...even if it takes 5 years. That amount of time is only the blink of an eye considering how much time you have on this planet....that is, excluding any freak accidents (but try not to focus on that either...just live your life as if you are expecting to survive for 100 years).

[dre760]

Well that's exactly my problem. For the last 3 months I have had a positive additude. I would tell myself I will be okay, I will move on, I will find someone new, I will be happy. Doing so hasn't really gotten me anywhere. I don't think its healthy to hide your emotions. Because sooner or late they will come out, and it wont be pretty. I burried my emotions and had a positive additude. When I made this thread is where my emotions finally came out. So now what? Am I supposed to repeat this process all over again?

 

On another note, I deleted her as a friend on fb last night.

[bish0p2004]

Well that's exactly my problem. For the last 3 months I have had a positive additude. I would tell myself I will be okay, I will move on, I will find someone new, I will be happy. Doing so hasn't really gotten me anywhere. I don't think its healthy to hide your emotions. Because sooner or late they will come out, and it wont be pretty. I burried my emotions and had a positive additude. When I made this thread is where my emotions finally came out. So now what? Am I supposed to repeat this process all over again?

 

On another note, I deleted her as a friend on fb last night.

 

3 months isn't enough time for some people. Also, by using positive affirmations, you are not burying your emotions; instead you are training your mind to think a different way, one that empowers you and gives you the ability to eventually see yourself in a different light.

 

You say you're not okay...are you starving? Are you poor? Are you living on the streets?

 

You say that you won't be okay anytime soon and not for a long time....can you predict the future? How do you KNOW you won't be okay?

 

I can tell you one thing, you won't be if you don't allow yourself to and you keep telling yourself that you won't. Furthermore, you will only strengthen the belief in yourself that the only way you can ever be okay is if this one chick (who doesn't want to be with you) accepts you back in her life.

 

Read that again: You can only ever be okay if your ex accepts YOU back into her life.

 

That sounds pretty ridiculous (to me) that someone would allow the idea of another person to have that much control over their life.

[dre760]

So I just got a text from the ex asking me what I'm doing. Yet to respond and don't even know if I should or not.....