Why don't men like to talk about their feelings?

[Shidoshi]

What type of "feelings" are we talking about?

 

In a nutshell, it isn't in a mans best interest to go gushing his feelings out to anyone, let alone his woman.

 

It doesn't mean you should interpret that to the extreme, meaning a guy has to remain absolutely tight lipped about everything under the sun.

 

Men and women have similarities but we are far from being the same. Guys just don't have the need to express their feelings the same way as women. We aren't women, so why expect us to act like them?

 

Usually if a guy goes pouring his heart out to some woman it's because he's been told he should, and usually it's a big mistake. We have our own way of dealing with whatever feelings we're experiencing at any given time.

[quiz]

You didn't specify what you don't agree with. Please don't insult me, my post took a lot of thought.

 

Obviously she's got it all figured out, duh.

[LightbulbSun]

Obviously she's got it all figured out, duh.

 

2 posts and an insult. It's my turn for the

 

I may not agree with glucoze all the time, but she's a sweet person. She didn't deserve that.

[Iakasot]

2 posts and an insult. It's my turn for the

 

I may not agree with glucoze all the time, but she's a sweet person. She didn't deserve that.

She insulted me. Not sure why, she was disagreeing with a post where a guy mentioned that guys can't open up because women only want you to open up in a specific way and it's a double standard. She said "I don't agree with that", but she didn't quote a post, or say what part of the last post specifically she disagreed with. Her reply to me said that I obviously don't listen, and that she CLEARLY said she disagreed with it being a double standard. Then told me to think before I post, and I was just like WOW.

 

I just don't think she should ask a question, then basically tell people they aren't bright and discount their opinion, when the same opinion was given over and over by multiple guys in the same topic. I mean if many people say the same thing, it must at least have some bearing on what the general reason is for guys

[Shudder]

fight fight fight!

[glucoze]

What type of "feelings" are we talking about?

 

In a nutshell, it isn't in a mans best interest to go gushing his feelings out to anyone, let alone his woman.

 

It doesn't mean you should interpret that to the extreme, meaning a guy has to remain absolutely tight lipped about everything under the sun.

 

Men and women have similarities but we are far from being the same. Guys just don't have the need to express their feelings the same way as women. We aren't women, so why expect us to act like them?

 

Usually if a guy goes pouring his heart out to some woman it's because he's been told he should, and usually it's a big mistake. We have our own way of dealing with whatever feelings we're experiencing at any given time.

 

"Feelings" Why they are upset, what it is that's troubling them.

The way I see it, i'll use an example of two guys I know.

Guy A:

Constantly whines and complains about his, and how he has no one to love, cries and has little fits about everything in his life, including his past. My conclusion and i have shared this with him many times is : Get over it, if it's not easy, you should seek some therapy. He doesn't want to. Why? Because he somewhat enjoys it. Well in that case, it's quite pathetic. Its one thing to share how you feel, but if you do it 24/7 over the SAME issue then what exactly am I supposed to say? What? Do i have to continue giving you the SAME advice for a year?

 

Guy B:

Fun, lovable, great to be around likes to do his own thing. (just like the guy I was asking about) Until suddenly, he gets into this funk. He isolates himself from others, and his mood changes. He's sad, and upset all the time. He's mentioned that he wants to talk about what's going on, but can't quite bring himself do it. Guy B has admitted it's hard accepting help from others, and he's used to doing things on his own. Solving his own problems - which is a lot like what most of you suggested when it comes to men -

 

Did I help you out a bit?

 

[glucoze]

Excuse me? You're completely taking my tiny words and making turning it into something much bigger then it is.

 

yes, I asked a question. You answered, so I don't necessarily see why it is you continue to post, and then cry "im being attacked" when it was not like that at all. I never called anybody 'not bright' or whatever it is you just assumed.

 

Conversation over.

[glucoze]

Maybe I wasn't being clear enough.

I still think it's a hugeeee difference between Guy A and B though.

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

Guy A is what he is and there are girls just like him. Some people don't care to fix their problems. They just dwell on them. Most people may whine for a bit but they do get over it at some point.

 

Guy B sounds like me when it comes to most of the people in my life. I don’t like to open up to people I know because I’m used to dealing with things myself and because I’ve found that opening up gives people a certain feeling of power over you that they can and sometimes will abuse when it suits them. Thus trust is the issue. You learn not to trust because you will be betrayed.

 

Add to that the fact that most men are raised to be tough and not share their feelings and that’s another reason. It just doesn’t look manly. Then add to that that many women start seeing it as unattractive and you get labeled whiny and emo and yet again there’s another reason not to do it. Culturally and experientially a guy just learns that it isn’t in his best interest to share too much with the people in his life.

[Iakasot]

Excuse me? You're completely taking my tiny words and making turning it into something much bigger then it is.

 

yes, I asked a question. You answered, so I don't necessarily see why it is you continue to post, and then cry "im being attacked" when it was not like that at all. I never called anybody 'not bright' or whatever it is you just assumed.

 

Conversation over.

 

In my very first reply to the topic, I said: guys don't talk, because men who open up get dumped easier. You IMMEDIATELY respond to me with: "Wrong."

 

How can it be wrong, if it's THOSE guys' own reasoning for not opening up? Multiple guys in this topic had that reasoning, including me.

 

You said: "Um.... are you listening what I am saying?

Maybe you should think before you post." How would you feel if somebody said to you that you should think before you post? Probably offended.

 

I continue to post for the same reason as the other people in the topic, to further discuss the topic and exchange opinions. Are you saying I should leave?

 

I think other guys have been very insightful in their replies. Men are just as insecure as women, and have a widespread fear of not being attractive, it precipitates into not communicating. If a guy a girl likes tells her he's afraid of seeming creepy, or unattractive, or needy, that will probably turn her off. A lot of insecurities are best kept to yourself, maybe shared with friends. That's my opinion.

 

Most of my friends are very good about sharing feelings with me, and talking about what's bothering them. Are they the same way with girls they like? No, I've asked them. They try to play it "cool" with girls.

 

About your description of Guy A and Guy B: No girl will like Guy A who opens up, but a lot of girls will like Guy B despite him not opening up.

Guy A HAS to hide his feelings to get somebody to like him, period.

[quiz]

I may not agree with glucoze all the time, but she's a sweet person. She didn't deserve that.

 

Eeehhhh...

[glucoze]

No. He doesn't. Guy A needs to how nicely should I put it? Grow some balls? And get over it. Guy A has been dwelling for over 1 year over something so meaningless? A girl dumped you? She never respected you to begin with?

Get over it.

[glucoze]

Not trying to be hurtful, but you can only let issues dwell for so long.

Until it becomes rather pathetic, and makes you just that.

Hence why Guy A most likely hasn't found anyone yet, we smell your emotional baggage from a mile away.

[Iakasot]

Not trying to be hurtful, but you can only let issues dwell for so long.

Until it becomes rather pathetic, and makes you just that.

Hence why Guy A most likely hasn't found anyone yet, we smell your emotional baggage from a mile away.

 

Everyone heals at their own pace. Remember, not everyone is as cold hearted as you =p

 

You can't force yourself to stop having feelings, you can just try to think about someone less and get them out of your life so that it happens naturally. In the meantime, before those feelings are gone, Guy A's gonna have to hide them if he wants a girl. He can't open up about it. Period.

[getbiii]

im really shy,

i can write you the longest most romantic love letter or a poem

but when it coms in person...

i have trouble...

i find myself speaking slow and thinking twice about what i say...

im really having trouble with this.

it has always been my problem with my exs, i can never open up

 

im trying to find a way to change it because i have beutifull words i would like to share and not regret not saying

the only emotion i find easy to express is anger

[compwhiz345]

Believe me, trust issues is not the only thing. For a guy to tell his feelings to a women is like letting them know exactly what a certain guy's weakness is, not saying that all guys that express feelings are saying what a girl can use to hurt them. However, to conter your question, most girls say that they want an all so strong, but lovable guy, so then why would you want a guy to express what he feelings?

[Jake]

I've only ever gotten close emotionally once to a girl and that wasn't even in real life (online relationship...long story). In the end she figured out how to

manipulate, lie and how to "get to me" (in a bad way).

 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure there's women and men out there that can fully maintain a healthy relationship with emotions shared by both partners outwardly.

 

Issue is I haven't met any women like that and if I do I'd honestly be too scared to open up. It physically hurts attempting to try. I'm better off alone anyway.

[Shidoshi]

I do vent to my friends (male) about various frustrations, but that's where it ends.

 

I guess I just don't see the need to discuss my problems with women because I feel like they can't relate and I'd just be feeding them ammunition in case they need to use certain information against me if we were to get into a fight.

 

Guys are capable of this too, but it's less complicated and often times we can squash it, while women tend to harbor things for a long time and will use certain information against you if they feel it will give them one up on you.

 

People are very competitive, revealing any weaknesses or problems has to be done in a calculated way. Sure everyone goes through rough patches, but life can be very unforgiving, so you have to be very careful who you talk to about what. Guys generally have a different path and/or focus in life than women, which requires us to remain vigilant about what information we reveal of ourselves to both genders.

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

I agree with both posts above me. It’s one of the reasons I believe I and other guys are so closed with women because once burned it’s not a sensation you tend to forget. Giving a woman too much information especially when they give so little meaningful information in return is often setting them up to have an advantage over you that will be used against you at some point. And often these women will not share anything truly meaningful in return because they want that advantage.

 

This is why a guy can have a hard time admitting his feelings to a girl. It’s the same mentality. For a guy this is a big deal and he doesn’t want to admit his feelings and have her behave in a juvenile away about it and use it to humiliate him. So he requires convincing that she is someone worth taking that risk on.

[Igelchen]

I for one am not going to let my ex ruin me for other women. I've always been the kind of guy who'll "make some lucky woman a great husband one day"... and I'm not going to let the immaturity of this girl change me, the pain of this break-up make me cynical, or relinquish my romantic ideals. At least not until I'm burned again.

 

Does this decision get harder to make the more times you get rejected for being what women say they want, but in practice can't stand? Do men get less able to talk about their feelings the older they get? I'm not sure that's true either. Some men never have been able to talk about their feelings. I think it differs from guy to guy, and so do the causes.

[glucoze]

im really shy,

i can write you the longest most romantic love letter or a poem

but when it coms in person...

i have trouble...

i find myself speaking slow and thinking twice about what i say...

im really having trouble with this.

it has always been my problem with my exs, i can never open up

 

im trying to find a way to change it because i have beutifull words i would like to share and not regret not saying

the only emotion i find easy to express is anger

 

That's really unfortunate. I dated a guy like you, it broke my heart because he wanted to open up.. he just didn't know exactly how.

 

I think maybe you should figure out why it is you're shy. And why you can't really open up. Even to your girlfriends or ex gfs..

Maybe something in your past?

[glucoze]

Everyone heals at their own pace. Remember, not everyone is as cold hearted as you =p

 

You can't force yourself to stop having feelings, you can just try to think about someone less and get them out of your life so that it happens naturally. In the meantime, before those feelings are gone, Guy A's gonna have to hide them if he wants a girl. He can't open up about it. Period.

 

 

I'm not cold-hearted. I've just been through situations and i grew from them.

Doesn't make me cold-hearted. Guy A needs to get over it. Hiding your feelings especially negative feelings like that will only make things worse.

Hiding does nothing. He needs to face his issues and resolve them, and finally leave them in the past.

That's if he actually wants a meaningful relationship with a female.

[glucoze]

Believe me, trust issues is not the only thing. For a guy to tell his feelings to a women is like letting them know exactly what a certain guy's weakness is, not saying that all guys that express feelings are saying what a girl can use to hurt them. However, to conter your question, most girls say that they want an all so strong, but lovable guy, so then why would you want a guy to express what he feelings?

Nothing is wrong with expressing how you feel time to time

 

It shows me you trust me enough to let me in. Tells me you're not some robot too. That you have FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS just like everybody else in this world.

My only issue is guys that hide and hide and hide their feelings. That won't help, it makes things worse and eventually will destroy any meaningful relationship. I've seen it happen. It's unfortunate.

[glucoze]

@Jake: That's not true. You're not better off alone. From what you've gone through, of course you have every right to feel that way. Not all woman are that vindictive and manipulative. Honestly, there's not a lot of women out there that aren't.. but they exist.

 

 

@Shidoshi: Interesting take. I agree with you, you do have to be extremely careful, and choosey of who you trust and tell things to. I am already like this based on what my past was like. I have gotten over it, but it taught me a lesson that not everyone you meet can be trusted. I think everyone does that though Use certain things against the other person, But i'll be the first to admit women are more prone to do it.

 

That's why I trust only one person. Despite my family and having extremely close friendships with a few people, i can only trust one person.

 

@t3nder_v1ttl3s: For guys it does seem a lot harder. I think once they tell their true feelings towards a female, it most likely means she can be trusted. Men and trust, and Women are trust, it seems that Men are seriously selective on who to trust when it comes to their feelings and opening up. Where women don't care, as long as someone else will listen