Igelchen
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Day who knows. She tried to call me on skype on Thursday - I was away from the computer. Her English has got worse. I wasn't sure how much the call bothered me. Anyway, I'm thinking about her just as much as before, but haven't really attempted to contact her (the only way I could is by post - she blocked my emails and phone number a long while ago) since then. Anyway, after two months or so of radio silence, I found I wasn't sure if talking to her face to face would set me straight off again. Last time I caught a glance of her facebook picture by accident, it sent me on a downward spiral again. As it was, I cried, the first time for about a month, then called a friend and went to play PS2 all day. No matter how much I still hope and wish and pray she would ask me for a second chance, I don't think I can bear to talk to her when that's not on the books. I'm sure she must have another guy by now, probably already slept with him... it's unknown for her to be single for more than a couple of months and she disposed of me in April. If she does, I don't want to know, it'd destroy me. I just want her back. Dammit, I miss her so much. I have a date this week. It'll be crap. I'm not ready for another relationship, so it won't go anywhere. I just want Lisa back... for good...
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Blast. I'm so miserable. Saw a woman in a dress who reminded me of her. Saw a blonde girl who reminded me of her. Opened the paper and saw an article about Caravaggio which reminded me of her. Someone mentioned swimming and it reminded me of her. People keep talking about the world cup, Germany vs. England, which reminds me of her. Every time I see a German name - Schroder, Blumfeld - there she is again. I can't get her out of my head for more than five minutes.I just broke NC again and texted her, "enjoying the football?" because I'm a douchebag. Germany was winning, last time I checked. Does she even get my texts any more?
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Day IDK. I guess I emailed her a few days ago, I dunno when. Something about Dorian Gray and Sybil Vane. Cruel rejection. Despair. My mouth tastes like copper, or like there's a battery on my tongue. It's like I get an electric shock every time I think about her. I think it's because I'm tired that I've gone back to wondering about her. I can't sleep with it this hot, and I've been staying up too late working on my calligraphy. It makes me tired, pissed, angry, miserable. I wish I knew if it was the miserable making me miss her, wish I could provoke some reaction out of her, or missing her that makes me miserable, even now. When will this end? My friend says he never gets over a girl until he falls in love with a new one. For me, that could be years. Sometimes, when my rational brain shuts down completely, I wonder if it will be ever - will I ever be in the state of mind where I want to meet anyone else? It's only been a couple of months. Early days? I don't have the strength of mind not to contact her. I'll try and keep away again. I dreamed about her again last night. Just now I broke and looked at her facebook profile for the first time in weeks and weeks, maybe since the last time I spoke to her on skype. I was weak. I am weak. It's not like there's anything to see there. She's changed her picture. Been to Berlin by the looks of it. * * * * e. I'm a wreck. Bet she's found someone else by now. Really not sure that this site can be helping much... but I feel like I need somewhere to get this * * * * out where someone might read it. Feelings... fricking feelings. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack, pretty much constantly. I wish I'd never met her.
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Day 14, I counted. She was my best friend... my lover... I was more comfortable with her than I've ever been with anyone else my entire life. How can it be over?
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No idea what day. Not having a problem not contacting her any more, but still missing her like hell... trying to join in with other people * * * * * ing about their exes just isn't that cathartic. Most of the day i'm now fine, but when I wake in the morning, and most nights, and at about four every afternoon, I go on a downer regular as clockwork, and have to go talk to the chickens or embarrassingly ask my mum for a hug. She has to stand on tiptoe. Occasionally a tear or two on her shoulder, but not often. The memories are still so impossibly vivid after, what, three months? All my friends at uni went to the end of year ball last night. I wouldn't have gone even had I not been forbidden. I feel like a usurper in college now, a trespasser amongst everyone who didn't have a breakdown, didn't get sent home, managed to actually sit their exams. Yesterday would have been the perfect day for her to have dumped me, had she not been a b*tch, had she waited. Exams over; summer here; friends all round and available to comfort me instead of hiding in their rooms revising while I went crazy; a night of hedonism ahead in which to drink myself into oblivion, drown my sorrows. I would never have done the same to her - dumped her on the eve of important exams. Even had I fallen out of love with her as she did me. It's just a terrible thing to do, unnecessary. She defiantly revelled in her self-confessed selfishness. You'd think I'd done something to deserve such bad treatment... evidently she didn't care a jot for my feelings. Heartless. She never apologised even once, never showed any sympathy. She was just a b*tch. So why do i miss her so badly? Why can't I move on? Hope the prozac finally kicks in soon.
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Day 7. I feel fine. For now.
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Day 5. I want my girlfriend back.
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Meh, I still feel like * * * * and it's been nearly two months. Mine dated some other guy after three weeks... he didn't last more than a couple though, thankfully.
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I'm on holiday. Normally I love this place. The last time I was here wasn't with her, but I wrote her a postcard. The internet connection is terrible. I miss home. In fact it occurred to me that the feeling of missing her, of her being missing from my life, is pretty much like home-sickness. Like a string between me and her, or me and home, has been pulled taut, to breaking point, and is pulling out my heart. Like being dangled by the chest from a bunjee cord. Horrible. I don't really want to be here. I smile, I laugh, but in every silence or lull my thoughts are all of her.
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Yeh... I kept doing that Still tempted a lot too, but I haven't for a while. I'm even fighting off the memories now. When I get sad I can go sit and talk to our chickens for half an hour and then forget about it... I might start meditating or something to clear my head. I remember more and more all the time, it seems. Everything is a trigger. I go on holiday tomorrow with my entire family. Hopefully after the disastrous attempt at being social last friday, I can spend the week forgetting everything.
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Mostly, that's what I'm doing. That was my first night out drinking for quite a long time, and only because I'd had it arranged for a while... I'm nto supposed to be drinking at all at the moment. Unfortunately there's not much in the way of gyms and so on to keep me occupied at home in the middle of nowhere... but I'm keeping busy so far, and so far I've felt better. Rollercoaster at the minute. One minute fine, the next, wishing I was dead
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* * * * e. Went out in Newcastle last night with some friends, and had a terrible time. Ended up drunk-texting her pretending I'd got the wrong person, so she knew I was out "enjoying" myself. No reply... obviously. Two hours' sleep then waking up to the bright dawn of another gruesome day one.
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Another day, another misery. Hopeless. I am improved, but I still miss her. Nearly 8 weeks since she left me. A week since the last time I heard from her. Just under that since I last contacted her. Already the silence is beginning to stretch my nerves. I need to get out of this house!!! Why do we live in the middle of freaking nowhere??
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I thought I was doing so much better. But lying awake in bed, I haven't moved on at all. My heart aches. I long so much for some word from her. Strain against my desire to text her, write to her, call her, anything to hear her voice again, even raised in anger. How can she not care? How can she want me gone from her life, after all we went through together? The amazing times we had? The memories? I feel like sh*t. I want to sleep now please. And not dream. Don't want to slip back, I was doing so well
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Jeez go to the police, or something... your situation worries me a lot. I hope you're okay...
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Thank you for writing this. I was a couple of seconds away from doing something similar myself... it won't help me But I feel everything you feel... how so cruel? I'm alone. And I will never benyone's Schatz again... the word has gone from my vocabulary. I'm doing so much better now... smiling, baking a lot, talking to people, not staying in bed all day, although she hasn't gone away yet. But I'll keep posting here when I need to.
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Day 2. Yes, I'm definitely NC to get over her now. But last night I had a weird dream about her and me hiding and kissing inside trees... at one point part of the Labour party were there too. Must be because Lord of The Rings was on TV yesterday. It's been a long time since I've written in my diary.
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If you're still there with your abusive father you should get out of there... find somewhere to stay. It may be a bit late now you've taken the finals, but I couldn't do my exams at all - I got help from my college who're basically letting me have as much time off to get better as needed. You could see if there's anything they can do to minimise the damage at this stage, maybe?
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Last night I was finding a stack of books to read while I have nothing better to do, and found between two of them a note she'd hidden there the last time she stayed with me. "I love you so much" it said. I felt like someone had punched me in the chest. I texted her angrily: My mum came in and talked to me for a bit before I finally went to bed. I slept okay. I dreamed a bit about her but I was fine again this morning. I feel unfazed by anything. I've returned to the opinion that I wouldn't take her back if she asked. I think the antidepressants must be working.
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Well there's no chance of me contacting her again. I'm out of the denial phase. I'll delete her number from my phone - again - I swear - and this time it'll stay deleted. Promise. Probably. But I won't contact her. Just gonna work on fixing myself now. Forget her, if I can. And get off my prozac prescription before the effect on my alcohol consumption and libido get even more irritating Today I feel the nearest to normal I've been in weeks. I think the bust up I had with her the other night and the low levels to which I stooped actually worked like a detox and flushed some of the feelings out. PM me if you do want to chat/ share the burden. I'd like to give something back.
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Day 1 again. Because after promising on Monday that I'd leave her alone, spending the day with my sister and grandparents and the evening at a mate's gig (where I chatted up an estonian architecture student) I woke up missing her again this morning, and texted "I can't leave you alone. I'm sorry. You have no idea how hard this is. Please talk to me". She responded with a * * * * * y email I didn't get until I arrived home this evening. No sympathy. No apology. Just pissed-offedness. "It's not my problem...You're not the only one in the world whose heart is broken." Things are at least final now, and I've felt better in some respects, more normal, and I've made a little progress towards moving on. Nevertheless, I still keep getting flashbacks and memories, and I can't reconcile the girl who was my girlfriend with the girl who is now my ex, not in my head. And even a snatch of song in the middle of a TV programme, or a mention of anything even remotely related to her, has a terrible effect on me: my heart jumps, it gets hard to breathe, and I weep. It try to hold it off, but I miss being with her... "If I lay here... If I just lay here... would you lie with me..." I'd forgotten the song completely until it was played. So many moments. So many songs ruined forever. I want to meet someone else, someone better for me. But I can't, I'm not ready
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Thank you. We'll get through this, eh?
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day 1. I miss her so much. She called me last night to ask what the f I thought I was playing at. Where did I get her new number. Called me mad, told me I need help. Leave her alone. That's it, it's all over now. I've made her hate me. Why am I so retarded? I want my life back. She said she'd look me up in two years when she comes to London and I'm normal again. I don't believe her. I miss her... I miss her so much. I just want her back. And there's nothing left I can do except delete her number and run back to bed and stay there. And begin No Contact in earnest. I'll never get her back. That knowledge.... the memories hurt so much. Life seems pointless and full of pain.
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Day 5 (I think). I felt a bit better last night, but woke up dreaming of her again this morning. I never got dressed. I spent the day in bed, feeling sorry for myself. I tried ringing her mobile from Skype. Still no answer. Opened a new skype account to send her a message she couldn't ignore, having guessed that she must have a new phone and so probably hadn't got my texts, or my emails or other messages. She'd said last time we spoke that she was moving flat again - I had a quick scan of the site we both used for flat-searching and came accross her advert. Which coincidentally contained her new mobile number. Then I looked back at my day and mourned the fact that I've become a kind of stalker. But she can't ignore me. She can't f*** me and tell me she loves me for six months, leave me, suddenly, at the worst possible time, and expect there not to be consequences. She's just inflicted this misery on me and gone off happy as larry like this is nothing to do with her. Never having to face the destruction she caused in my life. It's assault. I wish I were dead.