I feel like the last 3 yrs of my life were a waste....

[orillia]

Me and my ex were off and on for 3 yrs, mainly because of his partying and drinking. He's a lot younger than me. I guess I always thought he'd grow out of it...I kept taking him back...

 

The last time we got bk together, we were together for 6-7 months, and things were relatively good. We got along pretty well...there were bumps tho, and were pretty much because he started sliding back into the prtying/going to the bar routine. The last straw happened because he got drunk on his birthday, and had a big temper tantrum. I mean, he treated me really bad...got very abusive.

 

I don't know why I didn't just stop talking to him after that. It's been 5 weeks since then, and we slept together a couple of times and kept constantly talking/texting, etc. Like not much had changed. I finally realized, I couldn't do it anymore. I ended up having a blow up with him over something stupid a week ago.

 

Believe it or not, I actually told him I'd consider trying to work things out if a) he stopped drinking entirely and b) went to counseling w/me. There is so much toxic water under our bridge, I can't see it working out unless we got counseling.

 

When you think about it, tho, I have had so many broken promises from him..I wonder how I wil trust if he said he had stopped drinking.

 

It seems like a totally lost situation. Today we talked on the phone, and he admitted, he was young and stupid and that he didn't really care much about our relationship. But he liked having someone who was there for him. So, he would ignore my boundaries and my requests and just do what he wanted.

 

In the 5 wks since our breakup, he says he doesn't feel the need to go out to the bar anymore. He's moved into a better living situation. He's getting his life in order. How ironic, huh? That once he firebombed the heck out of our relationship and my heart, now he has taken steps to become the person I always thought he could be.

 

He told me today he wishes we could start from scratch and meet all over again. Date and take things slowly (we kind of rushed into things before). But he doesn't see how it's possible, because he put me through so much BS.

 

The other thing is, I have been dating a guy who started pursuing me when I was still in the rel'ship, but I had put him off. After the way I got treated by my ex on his birthday, I figured, why not, I'm gonna go have fun. Now I am really starting to like this guy.

 

Isn't this a tragedy? I am in a lot of pain right now. Part of me thinks, he is right, we can't ever go back. Another part of me still loves him and wants to hope that maybe counseling could help us start over. Does anyone think this is even possible?

 

Has anyone ever come out of a relationship that was so toxic and so bad, and hurt you so much, and been able to turn it around?

 

I wonder if, part of the reason I am even considering having any hope, is because it tears me up that he will be the person I know he could be, for someone else. It makes me feel like I was some kind of sacrificial lamb or something. Like, he needed to screw up so much with me, and have me help him become more mature, so he could be a better partner for some future girlfriend. I feel like I deserve better than that.

[IvantheAvg]

If you learned from the situation is wasn't a waste. Surely there are things you learned about yourself in the last 3 years...so what if he learns from it and becomes a better person...this universe owes you nothing.

[orillia]

Yes, you are right, and I also feel like I am the one who made the choice to keep hanging in there, even tho I knew who he was. I based the rel'ship on potential, the potential he is just now starting to show. Lesson learned: don't ever base a rel'ship on "potential."

 

If you learned from the situation is wasn't a waste. Surely there are things you learned about yourself in the last 3 years...so what if he learns from it and becomes a better person...this universe owes you nothing.

[IvantheAvg]

Potential is energy at rest. A dirty dirty word.