He thought we were having sex...

[confusedgirl123]

Ok, so this will be interesting to explain. A guy I used to see about 8 months ago came up last weekend to see his friends graduate. We stopped seeing eachother because he flaked out on me when he supposedly got scared of having feelings for me... blah, bleh... (we had both just gotten out of serious relationships at the time) In the past, we only messed around once and never had sex. Anyway, we made some time to see eachother (we have been talking a lot on the phone/internet).

 

We went to the beach, hung out, laughed, debated life philosophies, flirted like mad... talked about sex a little here and there. I told him that sex is very emotional for me and that's why I cannot be with just anyone. In August, it will be a year... I haven't even messed around with anyone besides him in that time period. I did not know if I wanted sex because I have only been with one other person and that was very long term. I like him a lot and I am extremely attracted to him, but things went south with us real fast in the bedroom.

 

I hung out with his friends, he hung out with mine and then we went back to my house to watch a movie. Mid movie, we were making out and took it into the bedroom. I was all over him and he went down on me. We progressed and I started to give him head and then he ended up on top of me... he looked at me straight in the eye and I just knew he was going to penetrate me if I did not tell him I did not feel comfortable having sex. So, I did - I told him I did not want to have sex and that sort of killed the whole thing.

 

We were both lying there naked for a couple minutes and he told me he needed to leave. I asked him if he felt awkward... his response was no, but he said, "I don't like feeling played." I told him I did not understand. He said I acted like I wanted it and was all into it and then told him last minute it was not ok. Here is my thing/question... As a guy, isn't oral satisfying? Why does sex have to be the end all?

 

I probed him a little more before he left. He said he felt rejected, but not even that, he felt controlled?!?! He said he wished I would have respected him enough to tell him what was going on. I told him I did not know what I wanted.... I went on further to explain that I haven't been with anyone since my last relationship.

 

He said the only thing he was sure about was that he needed to leave. He told me he had a great time with me hanging out at the beach and that he was sure we would talk again, but that he needed to leave - kissed me on the forehead and that was that.

 

What's up guys??? Explain this from a male perspective, please. No sugar coating. I thought that us hanging out and messing around would be fun. Why was sex assumed? Is that a common assumption? How can I prevent this sort of thing in the future?

[jestersupriem]

ARE YOU SERIOUS??

 

Why was sex assumed????

I don't get it. hmmm naked, each gave a little oral.. hmmm whats next???????

 

Sex maybe? or back to watching movies?

 

 

Oral should have been completed if you didnt want to go further. Blue balls hurts.

[yeayeayea]

well as a guy when im playing around in bed with a girl i usually expect sex, as in penetration. It probably just had to do with the situation, because u kind of exposed him, and his penis, to the world. When he feels like u just kinda said stop he feels rejected like u dont want him, or maybe strange things are running through his head like thinking he isnt good enuf etc.

 

maybe instead of stopping and just sitting there for a couple minutes, take charge and continue giving him oral. then u both get what u want and u dont have to worry about him wanting sex.

 

and yes oral is satisfying but not as much to some guys as others.

most guys will say they like it so dont worry about that.

[yeayeayea]

and yea blue balls hurt in your heart...

[JonnyG]

Both naked and giving oral and then saying no to sex, im not surprised he was a bit dissappointed. If u told him before hand exactly how far u would go it would of been a bit more understanding. From that situation im not surprised he thought sex was on the agenda.

 

But u did that right thing saying no if u were not ready, but try to see it from his perspective. If it was the other way round how would u feel?

[confusedgirl123]

I would have finished giving him oral, but he seemed really upset... the mood was killed. I had to flat out say no to sex and that made me feel weird..... It was completely awkward and silent. I know sex is great and all... but I guess to me, someone who doesn't have sex a lot, I consider it a big deal. I would never assume I was going to sleep with someone. I was totally into giving him oral... but it seemed like he wanted to skip over that mid way and have sex... that's when I told him how I felt.... it was either that or silently go against my own wishes. I am all about reciprocating... that's not the issue. Huh.... well this just sucks. I do not know how to handle this.

[xxatti]

Well this actually isnt all that uncommon. Sometimes everything goes right, the clothes are off, and just when you think its about to happen the girl will come up with some excuse... my cat died, Im not ready, I cant do this, it could be anything. Although to go as far as you went before you told him you didnt want to have sex is... well, mindboggling. I think he handled the situation quite well if you ask me.

 

How do you handle this... well that depends on what you want from this guy. One things for sure, you need to start learning how to make up your mind a lot quicker.

[summerdreams]

I agree with everyone who answered to this post. You should have finished him off with oral if you didn't want to have sex...but even then you have to be really careful when you start messing around with someone, because when you go really far ...SEX...is usually on the person's mind. I think he did handle it really well...some guys could have been really mean about it, but he sounds like an understanding individual who is trying to see where you came from...so now try to understand where he's coming from!

[confusedgirl123]

That's what I am trying to do... why do you think I posted here? I am trying to understand... so that I can talk to him and feel like I am not completely lost. Thanks for all of your perspectives - I appreciate you all being candid...

 

I do not think it's mind boggling... it is just life. Sometimes things just get complicated, especially sex. I am planning on talking to him.

[Amethyst]

I agree with the others who said sex was the next logical step. You should have told him from the get-go that you were willing to give him oral but you weren't ready for vaginal. In reality, you got him turned on, waited until he was hot and ready to go, and then hit the brakes. You're lucky your boyfriend respects you...some guys would've raped you and then said you deserved it because you led them on. (I am NOT saying you deserved to be raped...no one deserves that. I'm just saying that many guys feel there is a point after which they will not stop.)

 

I advise you make your boundaries clear well in advance in the future (with this guy and any others you may go out with). You were playing with fire and are very lucky you didn't get burned worse than you did.

[laroxes]

If you were invited to a gourmet meal that was a delight to your taste buds & then shown and smelled an extraordinary dessert & then was told you couldn't have any, what would you feel? You gave him so much that he expected all.

[zombie king]

This is pathetic. I would've been glad just to mess around and only do everything but intercourse. It's stupid that intercourse is expected so much.

I consider intercourse a big deal. I think it's more fun to just do all the other stuff,.. especially oral.

 

But,.. that guy expected intercourse,.. he's just one of those guys.

It's sad that a guy and girl can't just fool around and get eachother off without penetration.

[confusedgirl123]

Thank YOU! Finally, someone who feels the same as me. Why can't men and women just fool around? -> that's all I wanted. I would think you would have to talk about sex before it was on the menu. I think it's a big deal to let a man inside me - it's like giving him a piece of my soul. While many do not consider sex intimate, I do and always will.

 

I think he felt rejected because I flat out told him I was not having sex with him at the last moment. I did not know that he would be "expecting" such a thing.

 

While I like being sexual, having sex is never on the menu unless it is expressively listed as a special...

 

You can call me a bitch, you can say that I am selfish, but you know what? As a woman, I have the cookie and I am not sharing with everyone.

 

The man I am with will know he is special because I don't give myself away like penny candy.

 

Anyway, I really like this guy, but I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I am inclined to call and apologize, express my feelings for him, and just be real, but at the same time - I am hurt/angry that he did not just want to be with me - minus the sex. He just jetted.

 

I don't know what to think or how to feel... All I know is, sex is complicated. I think one of my biggest fears is being used. It's so damn hard being a woman! GGGGGGGGehsshsh.

[Cecelius]

It is a miscommunication at best: to be very honest, I think most PEOPLE would say that if you get all the way naked with someone and exchange foreplay, unless someone rolls out with a consent form, sex is imminent. Its fine that you didn't want it but its fine that he misunderstood too (either he's ticked that he was misled, which is his problem, or he feels rejected -- you just spent a half dozen posts clearly describing a class of men into which he does not fall, and at the most crucially vulnerable moment, that's when he finds out he's not good enough?)

 

Think about it this way, what if you had been ready for the whole thing and just said no thanks?

 

Its fine to have the views you want. Its fine for him to have the views he wants (unless he's a jerk, but then who cares what he thinks). But if you don't want to misunderstand, then keep your pants on.

[SteveNaive]

I can fairly well understand most of the guys' views posted here seeing as I am one myself, but I want to try to stay a bit in the middle...

 

When the two of you were in bed naked, well...of course did he expect sex. He shouldn't have, because in the end it is up to you on when you feel ready to sleep with him. So in that context is was right not to. Nevertheless, it would have been adviseable for you to tell him before in order to spare him that surprise. I have to say I myself would have been quite a bit angry if I do imagine being in his place.

 

However, if you really like him (and assuming that he really likes you) try to talk to him. Tell him how you feel for him and what he means to you. Maybe it helps to point out that sex is a big deal for you and that you want and need to feel ready for it. While writing this a thought comes to mind. You said you do not want to give yourself away like penny candy and that it has to be the right guy. Maybe you should ask yourself whether he is the guy you potentially do want to do those things with. If he is, you might want to tell him that he is this special guy...maybe he will understand and be willing to wait a little longer...

 

What you should realize though is that you may have "hurt" him quite badly. It is a very strange thing with men and sex. Taking up your candy bar metaphor: It is like a kid in a sweet shop that has this craving for something and someone pulls it away. It is hurt pride, because right in this ever so emotional and trustful moment you told him that he is not good enough. (At least that is how it sounds...think of it: It is for someone special, but you are not special because you are not getting it...)

 

If you look at it objectively, of course he had no reason to expect sex. Even when you have had sex and live in a long relationship you cannot just go and expect it. Nevertheless a lot of guys (including me unfortunately) do... and it gets worse when you are naked and all hot and bothered anyway...

 

Just a thought at the end. Just because you sleep with more than one guy in your life does not necessarily mean that you give yourself away like penny candy. Sex is still something special exclusively happening between the two of you, so you are not sharing it with everyone, right?! And do not forget that it quite possibly will give you some satisfaction too (at least it should)... Still if you do not want to have sex now then stick with it. But next time make clear in advance on where you boundaries are in order not to "hurt" him...

[seza15]

i felt, when i read your post very mixed with my emotions. i can see your view, which is that you simply didn't want to have intercourse sex yet and that you wished to have fun doing all the "other stuff". he's view showed to be that he didn't like being let down of doing intercourse sex with you.

 

this is my view: i felt that no matter what sexual situation anyone is in (whether its girl or guy), there should never be any assumpions. meaning, he SHOULD NOT of assumed that you were going to have intercourse with him. however, i do also feel that something else is very, very, very important in any relationship, especially sexual relationships. that is COMMUNICATION! guys aren't mind readers. us women need to tell guys what we want, how we want, when we want. i feel you needed to talk "openly" about the fact that you wished to wait to have intercourse and stated why. he is your boyfriend afterall.

 

i feel that you were in the wrong of not communicating your sexual wishes, and your boyfriend was wrong to assume intercourse was on the menu.

[laroxes]

Just what would your feelings have been if after you gave him a blow job & he had given you oral sex, you then lay down & spread your legs & said,"Take me" & he said "What made you think I wanted to have sex with you?" I think he had a right to be upset.

[fairyfemale]

i do agree with the fact that it's better (or maybe even necessary) to tell a guy beforehand that you don't want to have sexual intercourse....

 

But why does giving him oral necessarily have to lead to having sex? I mean, i understand that some guys want it to happen, but they should respect the girl too! Having sex is a way more intimate thing than giving blowjobs or anything.. for some people it's a big step, no matter how many times someone has had sex before.

 

But just think about this: Does holding hands automatically lead to kissing??? Does kissing automatically lead to oral sex???

 

(not in my world )