What to do...?

[jimbojones100]

GF and I of over 3 years broke up just under 6 weeks ago. She was 17 when we started dating and I was 20. We were both our first GF/BF.

 

Overall, our three years were great. We saw each other quite a bit. We'd do almost everything together (perhaps to a fault). We texted throughout the day, and spoke on the phone every night. Maybe in hindsight, our routine became too routine. I dunno.

 

Anyway, the last 6 months or so I have been finishing school/looking for a job. The job search wasn't going well for many of those months. She had school as well, and was stressed with typical school stuff - group projects, exams, etc. We remained close in terms of seeing each other and talking and that sort of thing, but emotionally I think we both distanced ourselves during the last several months before our breakup. For me personally, I know the stress had a lot to do with a change in my attitude. I can't say for her what the cause was. To be honest, our feelings for each other waned at times in the preceding months. But I chalked that up to it being a stressful time for both of us, and figured it would be a hump we'd get over.

 

So yeah, anyway, about six weeks ago, I got a text out of the blue one evening asking me to call her. I knew it wasn't going to be good, but we met up anyway. She gave me the whole typical speech which I won't rehash here because we've all heard it.

 

I think the biggest reason for her breaking up was because about 7 weeks ago, she turned 20. Maybe she wondered if this is what she wanted right now. Maybe she wondered if she was losing her young years. Nothing "bad" happened to end the relationship. It's not like we were emotionally or physically abusive, nor did we cheat on one another. It just kind of happened. The fact that it came out of the blue hit me hard. Everyone I know thought we'd end up marrying each other.

 

I've gone through many of the typical emotions. We're on NC, but this past weekend I saw her at the bar as we both went out with our mutual friends. We spoke a bit, but I didn't ever initiate conversation with her. I think that encounter pushed me to post this.

 

One of the problems we had was the fact that I wasn't able to find a job right after finishing University in December. I have one now, and that is a huge load off my shoulders. Another problem was that she felt like she had began drifting from her friends. I have come to realize over the past 6 weeks how important our friends are, and I think we both would make an effort to give each other time with their own friends.

 

My friends of both sexes tell me to give her some time to figure out where she's at. I think she is still trying to avoid the fact that she did what she did. She's keeping busy with the girlfriends, but those same girls who are there for her now, haven't always been there for her since I've known her. Eventually I think she will realize that she can fill the void with them for only so long.

 

I was thinking of waiting til week 8 or so, and then maybe suggesting we get a coffee or meet up or something. I truly feel like any problems we had when we were together can be remedied. I'm in the frame of mind right now that I cannot fully move on until I've had one last chance, and if it doesn't work out, then I know for sure. I realize this is the wrong way to look at things, and I know many of you will tell me to change my attitude, but quite frankly, I don't see that happening at this stage. I know what you're thinking "let her reach out to you, not the other way around". The problem with that is I know this girl too well. She will not come running back, even if every bone in her body is telling her to. To do so would to be "wrong" about breaking up in the first place. IF we were to ever reconcile in the future, it will have to be initiated by me. She will not do it.

 

Basically, I feel like there is still a lot of good that can be had from getting back together. I still miss her every day. I don't see the problems that may or may not have contributed to our breakup as anything insurmountable.

 

That's it. Feel free to ask any accompanying questions. Thanks for reading my long post. Feel free to tell me I'm an idiot for wanting to get back together. Or give me tips for how I can get back together. Or don't respond at all - it just felt good to vent.

[Skeptic76]

I don't have any advice or suggestions, but I will say that I, for one, don't think you're an idiot for wanting to get back together. Then again, most of my friends and family think I'm a bit too sensitive, and I am definitely guilty of wearing my heart on my sleeve. Take anything I say with many grains of salt.

 

You only live once, If it were me I would GO FOR IT. Either a) you will get her back and have a great long-term relationship, b) you will get her back and have a weird, desperate short-term relationship or c) you won't get her back and you will most likely have to deal with some rejection/embarrassment.

 

You're sick of hearing this, but it's true that you're young. Live a little - whatever that means to you! Don't feel guilty if that means maybe you just want to indulge in some rebound action with relative strangers, don't feel bad or let anyone look down on you if you want to be honest and open about your feelings with your X...

 

I guess I just think from the clarity and intelligence you display in your post that you already know what the right thing for you to do in this situation is.....now you just need to nut up and do it, whatever it may be!!

[jimbojones100]

Skeptic, thank you. I am tending to lean the way you mentioned. I can let it go, and eventually get over her, and wonder if I made the right decision. Or I can try and make it right again (I'm not sure how lol) and if it fails, then at least I can move on in peace knowing I did everything I could.

 

I think I'm mature enough to know when it's time to pack it in. I don't feel like it is now. But then again, I'm likely not thinking straight at this point.

[Lost Nuts]

Your situation seems a lot better than mine in many ways and I'm still not ready to pack it in.

 

One major thing that seems similar is that you don't understand why she would break up with you, you had a connection. Although you did mention some things that would have a negative impact on a relationship, it could be all it takes to cause a break.

 

6 weeks is not a lot of time to get your head straight, I'm not talking about moving on, I mean to be able to think with your head straight.

 

If you feel some strong emotions, take some time and do things, hang out with friends, work out, get some new clothes. It's good to better yourself so she will see an attractive person if you guys run into each other again.

 

Take some time and don't contact her at all, if she contacts you that's fine, but don't lose it, be friendly funny, you don't want to show her that the break up is affecting you at all. It will make her curious if she feels that your doing well.

 

You should know that no matter what she is doing, she is feeling a lot of emotions right now, if she's human that is.

 

She will most likely want to find out what your up to if you don't talk to her, let her know that your doing well and be friendly. If she doesn't reach out, you can open communication again. Don't beg, plead, tell her you need her, miss her, etc.

 

The only thing that will determine if you will get back together is how you behave and communicate after the break up. People break up to get some space, you should respect that.

 

This is getting kinda long now, I'll stop here.

 

Oh, don't keep doing things that don't work.

 

Good luck.

[jimbojones100]

Nuts, I appreciate the reply!

 

You're right about 6 weeks not being a long time. I felt like after 5 weeks, I was feeling really good. I wasn't too emotional one way or another, but the last few days, I seem to have regressed. I don't know if that is normal or what, but it really got me thinking about what I want to do in the future.

 

I hope you find success in the future as well. Best of luck.

[jimbojones100]

Is the 8 week rule a good rule of thumb, or should I go a bit longer? How does one figure this out?

[jellysandwich]

You need to let go completely; you should be thinking that your ex will never contact you again.

[jimbojones100]

You need to let go completely; you should be thinking that your ex will never contact you again.

 

Yeah man I know, but easier said than done. :sad: