End of my long term relationship

[NBT007]

Hi there. I just discovered this forum, read some of the encouraging threads and everyone seems to be really supportive and friendly (and I could do with some of that!) so I thought I would post my story.

 

As with the end of most relationships my story is a long one but I will keep it as short as possible.

 

Almost 3 months ago I seperated with my girfriend of 13 years. 10 of those years we were living together in the house that we bought. I truly thought that she was my soulmate, and no matter what problems came our way I had an unshakable belief that we would allways find a way to work a way through them. I had an undying belief that we would be old and grey together. I realise that I am not the only person to have had these feelings about their partner, but it really does add to the hurt that was to follow.

 

3 months ago she told me she wanted out of the relationship. Now in any long term relationship it is impossible not to have both the ups and the downs. We were no exception to that. Now on this particular day in question I thought that we were going to discuss ways to overcome some of our recent difficultes. However it became apparant from the very start of the conversation that she was infact calling time on our whole relationship - she wanted "out". So a lengthy talk ensued and we agreed, amicably, to split up.

 

She decided that she would move out and remained in the house for a further 2 weeks until she rented another place to live. Prior to her actually moving out I was told that she had been having an affair for months and was given the full name of her new man. I asked if this was true and even named the other fellow. She vehmently denied it, stating that we had always promised to tell the other one if someone else came in our life and that she could never do that to me. I wanted to believe her so I let the matter go.

 

About 10 days later she moved out. 2 weeks after that my entire world fell apart when I discovered that she had moved straight in with the very same man I had asked her about. I felt like our 13 year relationship must have been meaningless to her - that I must have been meaningless to her. I couldnt see then, and I cant see now why she would have set up home immediately with this guy when she knew the impact it would have on me.

 

I could understand if I had been a real b*****d to her, if I had been violent to her, if I had spent the mortgage money in the pub, if I hadn't been emotionaly and financialy supportive, if I hadn't provided a safe and loving environment for her and her two kids to live in. But I didn't do any of that - I paid every bill for us to have a family home - all of them, mortgage, gas, electricity, water, phone bill, Sky TV, internet, house insurance, car running costs, petrol, home improvements, insurance, etc, etc. I raised her two children as if they were my own. I supported and showed her encouragement in her carreer choice, I was never violent or threatening to her. So I was completely and utterly devestated when her infidelity and the speed in which she set up home with the new man came to light.

 

As if to add insult to injury, her new man is the complete opposite of me. He is a heavy cannabis user, a regular in the pub every weekend and has been in prison and in trouble with the police on other occassions. I dont use drugs, I drink in moderation and dont feel the need to get totally blind drunk just because it is the weekend and I work for the police.

 

I am now 2 months down the road from discovering the real truth for our seperation and am finding myself moving back and forward through the various different stages. Denial, Bargaining, Depression (a regular visitor to this one), Anger (not really had much of this - I hope it comes soon though), and I havent visited the last one yet, but when I do I hope its permenant - Acceptance

 

I dont really have any good days, some days are just better than the bad ones. Today has been a particularly bad one and I found myself completely overwhelmed as if I had only just found everything out today!

 

Anyway thanks for reading this - sorry but it was a bit longer than I intended, but believe me this is the short version.

[savignon]

I'm so sorry. It's so painful and I don't even have anything to offer except that I totally understand where you're coming from and understand.

Remember that each day is another step closer to that final phase-acceptance.

*hugs*

[Clarity]

Hello,

 

First of all, I'm very sorry for what you've had to go through. With that length of relationship, the level of commitment you had for each other, what you've really gone through is a divorce in almost every sense except the legal one.

 

I'm curious, given the length of relationship, if there was ever a desire by either party for a marriage and if that was a possible source of friction?

 

It's amazing how people can change, or be nothing like who we thought they were, huh? She treated you horribly and although I'm sure you are very hurt and sad, it sounds like you are keeping a very even keel.

 

First things first, I hope that, besides when it is absolutely necessary (i.e. legal reasons, safety of kids), you are keeping to NC. Do not respond to her attempts to contact you. At least not for a long time and until she makes legitimate attempts to show her reformation from what she's done, which may never come. She is likely going to try and throw you breadcrumbs in the near future, she will miss you, but you are only going to cause yourself new levels of hurt if you respond to that. Keep to yourself, your friends, and focus on your new life alone (for now) one step at a time.

 

I wish you all the best and the ENA community is here to support you

[jimbojones100]

Dude, I feel for you. Really sad situation. You should keep your chin up. You did everything right. I hope that down the road, you realize that you were better off.

[NBT007]

Not marrying was a joint decision that we both felt more than happy with.

I am keeping to NC, infact I go to some pretty extreme lengths to make sure I dont even accidentally bump into her!! Communication for legal reasons (all to do with the sale of the house), etc is done via my solicitor or a mutual friend. So I havent set eyes on her, spoken to her, text her or written to her since it all went belly up. Just as importantly she is sticking to NC as well, however I feel that is more to her not caring and having completely moved on, than anything to do with not hurting me.

[Clarity]

Not marrying was a joint decision that we both felt more than happy with.

I am keeping to NC, infact I go to some pretty extreme lengths to make sure I dont even accidentally bump into her!! Communication for legal reasons (all to do with the sale of the house), etc is done via my solicitor or a mutual friend. So I havent set eyes on her, spoken to her, text her or written to her since it all went belly up. Just as importantly she is sticking to NC as well, however I feel that is more to her not caring and having completely moved on, than anything to do with not hurting me.

 

It sounds like you are handling the non-emotional elements of this very well. Good for you! As far as her being in "NC", you just wait. I can almost guarantee you'll hear from her. I hope that when that happens you are just as strong, if not stronger, than you sound at this point in time.

[Mauxly]

This breaks my heart. I want you to know that you should not blame yourself. I'm sure you are doing a lot of soul searching right now, but please don't deepen your depression through self loathing. Don't even try to figure out what went wrong right now. Your perception is clouded by trauma so you aren't likely thinking straight.

 

And know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is nothing in this world that will prevent a cheater from cheating. And nothing in this world that can make a solid person cheat.

[jenna-is-here]

NBT007 - I

 

am so sorry to hear your story. It is such an intense story due to your investment in the relationship (time, money, heart, energy etc). You sound like such a gentle, giving person.

 

It is sometimes hard to wrap you head around when people are suddenly gone from us. Well, there are few things I want to point out:

 

 

1. This new guy sounds like a real winner. I suspect she is going to find out real fast that things are not going to so smoothly in this new relationship. And that will be something she has to live with and deal with because mark my words, there will be a fall. Trust me, you will begin to look like a superstar.

 

2. No matter what happens, you will always know you put so much love out to the universe. That love is out there and will someday come back to you in one form or another. And you can never have regrets for putting that love out there.

 

I know that doesnt really help that much but keep us posted and let us know what you are going through and dealing with! The road can seem very long but ENAers can really help us through since we are all somewhat in a similiar boat.

 

Jenna