i am alone

[andi8172]

i know igo to sleep havin taken many ibuprofen pills in the hope i dont wake up .i cut my self in hope one day ill go too far but no one would notice ,its sad looking up your friends on facebook and seeing their successful lives, i have two notes ready i know where and when i read the lovly bones or watch what dreams become i think there is a better place,its gotta be better than this no freinds ,family that dont care and only call when they want something,wish id never been born.i gave up drinking after the first attempt and even after that no one bothered i know its up to me to get help but my doctors a pratt who id like to punch and if no one else cares why should i?

[HouseKitten]

Please don't kill yourself.

 

Who did you write the notes for?

[Jeen]

Darling killing yourself is the end, it is extreme, if your doctor is a "pratt" why don't you punch him or turn his desk over, maybe it would open his eyes to how you really feel, ask for help, go see a different doctor.

 

Could you maybe call a helpline or a friend and tell them how you feel and ask them to help you.

 

Instead of leaving a note don't you think it would be better to call or ask the person for help for who you have written a note for.

 

Ibuprofen

 

link removed

 

Could you phone for help, please!

 

Hugs

 

Karen.

[fiishh]

Listen, as bad as things seem to you right now they will get better. Hell I've felt low like that before but remember you only have one life, what is the point in ending it now, instead of coping and trying to make it better, because you could miss out on so much if you end it now. You'd miss out on all of the chances you're going to have and all of the happiness you will feel as well as the happiness you will bring other people.

 

Please don't even think of doing this, I know you're feeling low but trust me when I say it will get better. Don't do something you won't have the opportunity to regret, I mean, what's the worst that can happen if you give life a chance?

[Tinnes]

andi8172, you are one special human being, and there is no other like yourself.

Help yourself, struggle for yourself with all your forces, don't give up. NEVER!

I wish you all the best IN YOUR LIFE!

[gardenpartygrl]

I care and these others who've responded care! Jesus cares! Please give your friends there a chance, tell them what's going on with you! Tell a pastor or a priest...go to any church and just walk in and talk to the first person you see. LOTS of people care! Maybe you do need a new batch of friends, do whatever it takes. Life is not easy but its worth it!

[andi8172]

well i made it through another crappy day but all day long i was thinking what if. ya know what if is a thought always in my mind and then i hope someone talks to me or even smiles at me would be nice,im not a special person there is nothing special about a loser who has gone through this life thinking he will be dead soon and no one see me come or go.Sometimes i get scared just to walk down the street incase someone takes the piss .But theres no reason to it im normal!!!! i know that some people feel like this because their realationships broke up but imagine going through life with no one to love imagine living in a box with no light getting in and someone comes along and kicks the box down the street thats my life i shouldnt be here im even sorry im wasting your time you probably got better things to read some people say life will come good but ive been waiting too long surely and were not talking 3/4 years iim hopeless at everything ......Thanks for taking the time to read this if you have

[andi8172]

I care and these others who've responded care! Jesus cares! Please give your friends there a chance, tell them what's going on with you! Tell a pastor or a priest...go to any church and just walk in and talk to the first person you see. LOTS of people care! Maybe you do need a new batch of friends, do whatever it takes. Life is not easy but its worth it!

 

do you really think jesus cares,i find it hard to believe that he would put me through all ive been through and going through .today listening to the radio it seems someone was sending my signs i know this sounds daft but i heard the song road to hell about five times today and i havent heard it in years.and the next songs were lean on me and you belong to me,so I couldnt help but cry at this jolt infact most songs i heard today made me cry.But the feeling is that like so many people jesus doesnt want me either, now im not religious, ive only been to church a few times and when i was young i joined a choir ,i only went once and felt i didnt belong

[kyivish]

andi8172

You don't have to believe me but I've been there and am there and will always be there. The love of my life cheated on me, left me, and treated me like garbage. This, honestly, came from no where. I wanted to die so much, everyday I'd wish for a car to hit me or something, a heartattack. Well it did happen I had a freak pulmonary embolism that nearly killed me twice. I mean the doctors told my family that it was touch and go and that I might not make it through the night. I'm still here and recovering slowly. I still want to die, but I don't cause I really did nearly die and it was scary, I've cried about it. I'm just saying becareful what you wish for.

 

I don't know you, but you don't seem like a jerk and in my book that makes you a good person. Just know that others are going through the same thing. when you're alone and depressed try to imagine that there are thousands of others that are feeling just as isolated and alone as you. You might be alone but your not the only one.

[doityourself]

do you really think jesus cares,i find it hard to believe that he would put me through all ive been through and going through .today listening to the radio it seems someone was sending my signs i know this sounds daft but i heard the song road to hell about five times today and i havent heard it in years.and the next songs were lean on me and you belong to me,so I couldnt help but cry at this jolt infact most songs i heard today made me cry.But the feeling is that like so many people jesus doesnt want me either, now im not religious, ive only been to church a few times and when i was young i joined a choir ,i only went once and felt i didnt belong

 

There will be plenty of signs when your looking for them. I know when Im feeling this way everything is telling me, go ahead and do it.

 

But the real issue is can you survive it, are you strong enough to overcome this feeling and to fight for your life, what you want, what you deserve???

 

What in life will make you happy, once you figure that out, do everything in your power to achieve that.

 

PM if you want, Im always fighting, maybe we can help eachother............ Good Luck

[andi8172]

ive read a couple of your threads now and im sorry about your embolism and its nice to know other peoples sides.i really appreciate what u r saying but ive been in hospital maybe my first attempt was a bit of a cry for help or just to be noticed i dont know all i can remember while laying in hospital is thinking why am i still here and ive been lying to people for so long now they believe im fine im glad people cared about you and opened your eyes to being loved by people but iwas in hospital over a week and my father didnt even phone to see if i was ok and i lived at home with him after my mum died so i got out of there after that realising iv never had a well done or thank you off him. but you only have to watch the news to know what a crap world this is and what hope is there if even your own family know you wanted to die but didnt care, mine is a horrible family history i think another thread said it bestmaybe these threads are helping maybe its just delaying the enevetable

im sure you will find another love if you can battle back from that you have a good strengh good luck in your future and thank you..

[kyivish]

Yes I do have a father who loves me, and I believe you whole heartedly when you say your father doesn't care. Life sucks. I'm on lots of meds now, when I get off I plan on getting my personal mantra tattooed on my arm "life is misery in a beautiful world"

 

Lets face it, most people you meet are self centered and can't or are too scared to ever consider others feelings. I know we both have encountered these people, and sadly been hurt by them. Theres nothing wrong with being depressed, theres nothing wrong with wanting to die with a family like yours. I wish there was a magical phase I could type that would help you grap hold of life and find even just a piece of happiness. I know theres not. I can tell you for the most part I'm very unhappy in life. I have couple of friends that make me happy sometimes. However knowing I was actually minutes away from dying I'm scared to actually go through with it now. Cause its not an escape, its not going to be heaven, you won't get any closure or any revenge or anything like that. You will just stop being, its not sleep its nothingness, no thoughts, no reflection, no nothing

 

andi8172

Just do research, find out how to do it on terms that you want. Find out what supplies you need and how to do it. I promise you this, once you figure it all out you'll feel stronger and more able to live life and kick some serious ass...and it sounds like theres many people in your life whose ass need to be kicked. Show them they are white trash and that you are disgusted by them. No matter what happens you will always secretly have your way out. And if it gets too much you can call it quits.

I attempted suicide, was very unsuccessful, I did my homework, I knew how I wanted to go I figured out what I needed to do to make it happen without mistake. That has given me an escape route that makes me a little more carefree in life and therefore a little more confident and adventurous.

 

Good luck to you. I hope that you at least do something to make your father ashamed of himself before you go. Us reflective people, we who consider others feelings, we are the ones who have to battle the selfish bastards of the world. Its a losing battle but dammit thats just the way it is.

[andi8172]

so this is it!!!!!!!!

[andi8172]

i dont mean that like it sounds i just mean another crappy day in the same old crappy life, no sleep,dull grey weather, no will to even get out of bed but todays not the day so far lets just try to get through it

[andi8172]

its so early in the morning here and i woke up thinking i need to get some rope i dont think im going to have a good day i knew that feeling was on its way back i dont know how im going to make it through today i suppose the best thing is ive put it down on this thread and i have to come back to see if anyone responds to no-one

[doityourself]

Andi- Im worried for you, please reach out to someone you can talk to face to face.

 

Everyday is a differant day, some are hell, some are bad, but some are good. When you get up in the morning do you think already before you get out of bed that your day is going to suck. If so then your setting your mood for the day. Get up and think okay today is going to be a good day, retrain your mind to stop hating on you.

 

The ups and downs of this life is horrible, one minute everything can be okay then the next your thinking how can I possibly get through this day without shooting myself. Please know that there are people that care about you, that love you, you will be leaving alot of people behind thinking that they should have seen something or done something.

 

I care and I dont even know you, I care that your hurting that your feeling this way. Please dont let your demons win, fight them back. There are alot of people on this site that have the same feelings and thoughts as you.

 

Come back on and talk to us.

[andi8172]

thanks diy what you say is true and honestly you shouldnt worry about me too much, it is a constant fight against the demons and im trying but why go on fighting if you gave up a long time ago.I know there are a lot of people in much worse situations than me but if im not here its a space for someone else.thanks again.it is nice to see if anybodys posting perhaps the first thing i look forward to!

[andi8172]

what a friggin awful day i hope this is it i was driving over water today thinking to myself god i dont want to drown what a way to go.but its pathetic i cant even drive over a bridge now!i think i should just get it done IVE HAD ENOUGH NOW!!!!!!!!!for gods sake i cant even do normal things without thinking of death i cant take this yes id like to die a hero but we dont get what we want and why should i care id be dead is there something wrong with wanting to die a hero it reminds me of the film he was a quiet man! with christian slater,but im not a hero im just no-one and i dont even care about that anymore!

[doityourself]

Andi-

 

Its been like that for me the past couple of weeks. I try and hide it. I also think of ways to take myself out. Its like daydreaming. Pass a big tree, ow would it kill me if hit it going 60?

 

These thoughts just come out of nowhere. Why, who knows and I wish they would stop but they dont. I keep fighting and fighting day in and day out. Its so tiring, cant someone just take over for a while.

 

Thats where I am, Im in the robot phase where Im just here. Some days are better than others but its still all the same old thing.

 

Is so aggravating to go through this all the time. Its pure torture isnt it?

 

 

BUT THEN I START THINKING:

 

If I go who will be the mom of my boys? Who will tell them about all the girl info they will need? How will it effect them if I leave, will they blame it on theirselves?

 

My H, who will take care of him? That would torture him, he would turn into me.

 

What if the miracle drug is invented tomorrow, and everything is just fine for people that suffer from this horrible diseases?

 

 

To many thoughts everyday

[andi8172]

all good reasons to carry on! but i just cant think of one for me. no kids id be a c**p dad anyway no girlfriend no point icant offer anything to anyone!except a life of a miserable git that is!

[doityourself]

How do you know you would be a terrible dad? You know before I met my husband I swore up and down that I would never have children, NEVER.

 

Do you know I feel alone most days even with my H and kids. So lonely and feel like there is noone in this world that can understand or know what I feel.

 

I think when we are suffering we cant see past that suffering, its all we know. How we get past it is another thing. I still havent figured that out, but I do know what helps. It helps to reach out, to get out of my ordinary day, to do something differant. To help someone, to feel pain for another.

 

You cant tell me that you have noone in your life, you may not notice but there are people there, that care, that would listen. You just have to look for them.

[andi8172]

thanks but i feel that im just a burden even on here i just keep going on and on i dont know why anyone would respond im probably bringing every one down im sorry you'd think if i was thinking it id have done it by now and i dont know why i aint

[doityourself]

You can go over and over it with me, Im hard headed like that to.

 

Im here if you want to talk, most of the time I will have the same problems to. As the world turns kinda thing.

[andi8172]

youre very kind thanks ive read a few of youre threads and wished i could type something that would help you but im not good with giving advice i dont know how you cope with two children i couldnt !

[doityourself]

If you can feel pain and sympathy for someone else than you your still alive and kicking. Thanks for the kind words. Dont give up and keep fighting.