My boyfriend's masturbation is interfering with our sex life

[DawnT]

I have been with this guy for 2 years now, and we started out having a pretty healthy sex life. We had sex 1-2 times a day, and over the last two years that has gradually decreased to 4-5 times a week, which I think is a pretty normal thing since we live together and see eachother every day. Now this entire time I have been living with him, he has openly masterbated, which I am okay with. I masterbate as well, but only a 1-2X a week, which I think is average for a woman. I know that guys have much more of a need to masterbate than women, and I am okay if he needs to blow a load a few times a week. That never interefered with our sex life until about six months ago, he started masterbating basically every chance he got. Whenever I left for work/school he would masterbate 2-3 times and even when I was at home he would masterbate once or twice in front of me. I of coursed voiced my concern that he is spending too much time pleasing himself, and not pleasing me. He claims that masturbating fullfills his physical need to ejaculate as well as his desire for fantasy sexual desires that he knows he will never be able to have (such as huge breasts and butts etc...). While I somewhat understand that(although its obviously offensive to me, making me feel insecure that I am not desirable to him), I certainly don't see how masterbating is better than sex. On the one hand, yes if your feeling lazy its easier to just jack off than have to have sex which takes a considerable amount of physical exertion, but I have always told him I was willing to be on top anytime, and for that matter, I am always ready to have sex. But now its getting to a point where basically, he doesn't feel "horny" any more when I ask for sex, and he doesn't take my concerns about his masterbation seriously. Is this normal? I'd really like to know what everyone else thinks, guys and girls. I think I covered everything, but if you need more info let me know.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Is he still having sex with you 4-5 times a week?

[DawnT]

It's more like 2-3 times a week now. When I ussually come on to him, he will tell me he's just not horny, or he is tired, or some other excuse. The first few times he excused himself from sex, I was okay with it. Maybe he was just not in the mood. But now he does it so often that I know he is probably already "sexually spent"

[midnightrambler]

Whenever I left for work/school he would masterbate 2-3 times and even when I was at home he would masterbate once or twice in front of me.

 

He claims that masturbating fullfills his physical need to ejaculate as well as his desire for fantasy sexual desires that he knows he will never be able to have (such as huge breasts and butts etc...)..

 

1. doesn't he have a job or school to go to

 

2. That makes sense to me

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Is the masturbating fueled by a pre-occupation with porn or is he doing it without it sometimes? I can see how you're annoyed, but this could honestly be one of those cases where he gets what he wants (sex whenever because you're always up for it) then doesn't want it anymore.

 

I definitely think choosing masturbation over sex is a problem.

[DawnT]

He used to only go to school, so yes he had a ton of free time and spent a lot of it masterbating. Now he works full time and when he gets home, he basically wants to just spend the night masterbating. He can ONLY masterbate while watching porn. since we have two separate computers but they are in the same room, I am getting pretty fed up of having to leave the room and go do something else while he masterbates for an hour or two. I have told him that he needs to learn to not need porn while he masterbates if he wants to do so so often, but he says that will diminish the fantasy part of it.

[Sunny1607307996]

What does he do all day while you're at school/work? Masturbate? If the answer is that he doesn't do anything and sits at home and pleasures himself, that's a problem.

 

If you want sex and he doesn't and then he goes and masturbates, that's a problem. Of course that will happen occasionally - as you said, sometimes it's just too much to pleasure your partner when you can just get off yourself. But if he's doing this consistently, in combination with telling you he masturbates to fantasies you cannot fulfill, that's a problem. It makes you feel in adequate.

 

Now, in all consideration sex 2-3 times a week is probably pretty average. But, seeing as you declined from sex 1-2 times a day, to 4-5 times a week, to 2-3 times a week.....It could be just the natural tapering off because of time or it could be due to him masturbating all the time and having sex with you less and less.

 

Either way, it concerns me that he masturbates right in front of you and doesn't take your concerns seriously. It seems like very childish behavior that he gets what he wants all the time and doesn't take into consideration what you want.

[Godless_Heathen]

Masturbation has this over sex: control. You get to control the pacing. No more or less foreplay than you need, you can ejaculate when you're ready rather than delaying if your partner isn't there yet, and your partner won't throw you off by moving in a rhythm that's completely at odds with what you need. It's also easier to fantasize that your partner is saying / making the sounds that you'd really like to hear.

 

Even when I was in a good sexual relationship, I still wanted masturbation now and then to take the experience closer to my fantasy ideal. Sex doesn't replicate that, because if you're going too fast / too slow / not doing what she needs, she won't enjoy it - and that's a huge turn-off, since enthusiastic feedback is the most important part of sex.

 

But masturbating 2-3 times a day and dropping sex from 4-5 times a week to 2-3? Yeah, I wouldn't do that.

[DawnT]

yeah thats how I feel. I would be fine with him masterbating to more exact his sexual pleasure with me, but he has told me that he doesn't think about me when he masterbates, just the girls he looks at in porn. Any advice on how to put my foot down on this, or at least make him understand how much it upsets me?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

He used to only go to school, so yes he had a ton of free time and spent a lot of it masterbating. Now he works full time and when he gets home, he basically wants to just spend the night masterbating. He can ONLY masterbate while watching porn. since we have two separate computers but they are in the same room, I am getting pretty fed up of having to leave the room and go do something else while he masterbates for an hour or two. I have told him that he needs to learn to not need porn while he masterbates if he wants to do so so often, but he says that will diminish the fantasy part of it.

 

Oh good grief, this sounds problematic as all hell. Everyone likes to masturbate a bit, porn is great, all is well, but the amount of time and energy he is dedicating to jerking off sounds at least mildly pathological, especially given his reduced interest in your sex life.

 

If needing control over your ejaculation to that extent and not being inconvenienced to please your partner is that much of a turn off, there are problems. I understand that sex with a partner may not always give you what you need, but I'd think most people would prefer it to jerking off in front of a computer screen.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

First, I think you need to really think about what is exactly bugging you.

Would you like him to masturbate less, less in front of you, just have sex with you more, better sex with you, feel he wants you more than the women in porn, etc.

 

I would recommend taking a lot of time to think about this, because when you bring something like this to a partner's attention it can often get heated and he may become defensive which will lead nowhere.

 

I think you are level-headed enough, not expecting unrealistic things from him, so hopefully he will listen to you a bit and be more considerate.

[Sanesoul]

He used to only go to school, so yes he had a ton of free time and spent a lot of it masterbating. Now he works full time and when he gets home, he basically wants to just spend the night masterbating. He can ONLY masterbate while watching porn. since we have two separate computers but they are in the same room, I am getting pretty fed up of having to leave the room and go do something else while he masterbates for an hour or two. I have told him that he needs to learn to not need porn while he masterbates if he wants to do so so often, but he says that will diminish the fantasy part of it.

 

I would be pretty fed up to. It sounds like he has a serious problem. It's one thing to masturbate, but to make your partner leave the room so you can go to town for awhile is not something I would put up with.

[OptomisticGirl]

yeah thats how I feel. I would be fine with him masterbating to more exact his sexual pleasure with me, but he has told me that he doesn't think about me when he masterbates, just the girls he looks at in porn. Any advice on how to put my foot down on this, or at least make him understand how much it upsets me?

 

Oh good Lord, you never tell your girlfriend you don't think about her during masturbation. Geez.

 

My ex was like this. Said no to me all the time but still masturbated to porn. So I understand the frustration. You really need to sit and have a talk with him (if he will talk about it, my ex never would, claimed there was no problem). In the end you have to consider whether a healthy sex life is a dealbreaker for you or not in this relationship. As much as you love someone, you HAVE to be compatable with them in the sack as well.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think there is something deeper going on here. Is he unhappy at work, depressed about life, depressed in general? How does he connect with you other than in the bedroom? Do the two of you talk to each other do you cuddle, go out together connect well on an emotional level? Sounds like he is using masturbation to escape from his life. In a relationship sex often does decline to more reasonable levels and 2-3 times a week is not so terrible, it is still pretty frequent. What is more disturbing, however, is that he seems to be retreating from life and using masturbation as a way to retreat from his real life (and I am not simply talking about having sex with you, I am talking about interacting with you and the rest of the world).

[DawnT]

I think there is something deeper going on here. Is he unhappy at work, depressed about life, depressed in general? How does he connect with you other than in the bedroom? Do the two of you talk to each other do you cuddle, go out together connect well on an emotional level? Sounds like he is using masturbation to escape from his life. In a relationship sex often does decline to more reasonable levels and 2-3 times a week is not so terrible, it is still pretty frequent. What is more disturbing, however, is that he seems to be retreating from life and using masturbation as a way to retreat from his real life (and I am not simply talking about having sex with you, I am talking about interacting with you and the rest of the world).

 

I see what you mean, and appriciate the insight. I never really thought of it as a form of escape because he is pretty vocal about how he feels about life. We have had an extremely close emotional and intellectual connection from the beginning, with very few fundamental differences between us. He does tell me often how he hates that he will have to work for the rest of his life and he is just not made for the "9-5" and wishes he could just move away from society but still have all the conviniences of it (restaurants, media etc..). Which I somewhat agree with, but I don't let it interfere with trying to at least make the best of the obligations I have to fullfill (work, school, hobbies). I think you're right that he is trying to escape from his reality and future by trying to focus all his energy on enjoying basic instinctual pleasures, probably hence why he enjoys eating food so much as well and spends a lot of energy trying to find new restaurants and recipes to go to, even if they are not practical or out of our budget. Anyways, thanks everyone for all the replys and if you have any more pointers I would be happy to hear them!

[Taikero]

That much masturbation will kill your libido. It takes a substantial amount of energy out of you every time you orgasm, and doing so 3+ times per day is very taxing on the body even if you have ideal nutrition.

 

Shooting straight from the hip, he's lost substantial lust for you and is instead pursuing his fantasies rather than you, proving it by diverting his obviously abundant sexual energy consistently away from you.

 

If he cut down his masturbation to only once per day, and only earlier in the day, I guarantee your sex life would improve.

[BigMamaJen]

Obviously, he doesn't care about your needs or respect you if he is jerking off in front of you. "That's just wrong!!" He has turned his jerking off sessions into an obsession. Please talk to him & let him know how much it really bothers you. It's sounds like he does need help. He is letting his sexual fantasies control your sex lives. Not that anyone wants to break-up over something that could possibly be fixed, but the good thing is you're not married, because if he refuses to talk about it, or it gets worse you can walk away from this situation and his crazy obsession.

 

I hope this helps, and Good Luck!