After 5 months, unexpected first reaction

[alice1485]

So, I broke up with my boyfriend 5 months ago. The reason was his drinking problems and diminished respect for me. Since our break up, I went NC for a month and a half, and had not seen him for 4 1/2 months. Still though, I felt I loved him. And in the back of my mind, I hoped he would change so we'd get back together.

 

He and I decided to meet this past weekend. I expected to be filled with joy at the sight of him, but all I felt was confusion. And as we spoke, the only thing I kept thinking was 'Oh my god, I don't love him anymore.'

 

But then we went to lunch and gradually the awkwardness faded and my feelings for him came back. He promised me that if I took him back this time would be different. He's even looking for a counselor to help him with his problems. I told him I'd think about it and that we'd have to take it slow if we decided to try again.

 

My question to you all is: Is it strange that my first reaction was that I didn't love him? Should I be worried about that? Or should I just trust what I felt the majority of the time - comfort, joy and happiness to be with him and wanting to try again?

[DN]

I think you need to give it some time to be sure. Sometimes there can be a sort of protective numbness that develops and you need to know if the feelings are still there underneath.

 

Is he going to AA or some support group?

[alice1485]

That makes sense. My reaction was a mixture of numbness, confusion and awkwardness. But eventually it all faded away.

 

I don't think he's going to AA. But he's stopped drinking (or so he says) and he repeatedly told me he wants to change and that a counselor will help him do that.

[DN]

Well, most addictions counselors will help him draw up some sort of treatment plan and AA is usually recommended.

[Adge]

Sounds like good news. You're right to take it slow...and if things do change with his drinking and he's being honest about it, your feelings will likely flood back

[star555]

I'm wondering what he's been doing the past 5 months. He's had 5 months to look for a counselor. How come since you come back he'll start looking. He should have been looking months ago. If he is serious about his treatment he will not be able to be in a relationship. Also, you do not want to take on an enabler role.

[alice1485]

Good point. I'm not sure, star555. But the impression I got was that it took a while for the reality of his problems to set in. Which is why he has been looking for a counselor recently.

[Ms Darcy]

Good point. I'm not sure, star555. But the impression I got was that it took a while for the reality of his problems to set in. Which is why he has been looking for a counselor recently.

 

In that case, then I think you should wait until he's actually seen a counselor. I don't like "I'm gonna ..." when it comes to reconciling.

 

Also, does he see a future with you?

[alice1485]

Ms. Darcy, yes, he's told me over and over he wants to marry me and that i'm the best thing that ever happened to him.