Saw ex for the first time in 4 months, need advice.

[WhatSetsUs]

Hey everyone,

 

It's been awhile since anything new has happened in my breakup situation, til this weekend at least. This may turn out to be real long and wordy, but I really hope you guys can read this and give me some advice.

 

A brief background:

-We dated for about three years.

-We broke up for the first time in December 08. Never really separated completely and eventually got back together during the summer of 2009.

-We stayed together til February 2010 where she broke up with me for the second time.

-I made one attempt to beg and plead with her a week after we broke up, but following that I went strict NC. I decided that I should make the most of this breakup and sought to learn all I could from it. I immediately went into counseling and had been going every week for this entire semester. I am a truly different person than I was before and feel like this semester I grew up and matured a whole lot.

-I was in NC for 52 days until I broke it. I spent much of April attempting to open communication between us. It was mainly small talk and nothing about the relationship or us in general but I definitely broke NC in hopes of one day getting back together.

-After a few weeks of talking, I decided that it wasn't worth it any longer to try and get her back. Went back to NC, which lasted 10 days.

 

 

All of that brings me to this weekend. On Thursday morning I received a text from my ex saying "Hi! I have a question." I had just gotten out of my first final exam and didnt really know what to say, so I didnt answer and instead took a nap. When I woke up I had another text from her saying "Hello???" So I gave in and asked her what was up. She asked me if later on she could come over and say hi to me and my roommates. I go to school 2.5 hours away from home, so I was completely shocked to find out that she was on campus. Eventually I said she can come over.

 

Later that day she came over and said hi to all of us. She actually ended up hanging out at my apartment for about 2 hours. I was surprised at how comfortable we both seemed with each other. We caught up on a bunch of things, and there was even a little bit a flirting, which came as complete surprise to me.

 

Things got a little weird when I showed her my tattoo. Its my first tattoo but I never told her I got it. It was something I wanted to do to symbolize all that I had learned about myself this year and because we hadnt been talking at all, I didnt feel like I needed to tell her about it when I got it. Well her reaction was very strange. She seemed to get really sad, and it even looked like she was beginning to get emotional at one point. I tried to feel her out for what she was thinking but she just said it was cool. I tried to shrug it off as best I could, and eventually I just let it go. We hung out for a little longer and eventually she left.

 

About 20 minutes later I get a text from her saying "It was really good to see you I send her one back saying the same thing. I told her hopefully we will see each other again before she goes back home. She agreed and wanted to catch up more.

 

We continued to text back and forth the rest of the day. By night time, she had began drinking and she sent me a weird text, "will you be mad if I drunk text you?" I say of course not. So the rest of the night she texts me random things about her night. Eventually she starts texting me about my tattoo. She says that although she thinks it real cool, “its just weird to me for so many reasons.” I ask why and she says that “its just awkward to talk about.” I don’t want to push it so I say that hopefully we can talk about it some time soon.

 

Late that night another weird text exchange occurs:

 

Her: it feels weird being here and not sleeping with you. You don’t have to respond to that.

Me: I'm gonna choose to respond to that. But only cause its really weird to me too. You weren't the only one thinking about that.

Her: okay good. I didn’t want me saying that to be wrong.

Me: Lol nah, I've been thinking about that kind of stuff all day.

Her: me too…

 

I didn’t even know what to think about all that...Eventually we say goodnight to each other...

 

So yesterday she texts me and asks if I wanna go to lunch. I was at the gym so I tell her maybe we could just see each other later in the day. She says sure and that she would do whatever. When I get back to my apartment I invite her to hang out with me and my roommates at the pool.

 

So for a few hours we hang out by the pool. It was really fun just being there with her. I eventually get a chance to ask her about why she was acting so weird about my tattoo. She explained that it was weird to think that after we broke up, life went on for both of us. She was also surprised that things seemed to just pick right back up between us even though we have been broken up for almost 4 months now. I tell her that I did a lot of changing and maturing this semester…

 

 

Eventually I leave the pool and we go our separate ways for a while. We still continue to text for the rest of the day. Eventually she comes back over to hang out some more. We spend some time together just talking about things, catching up, etc. it all feels really good to just talk with her. Later though all of my friends come over. Theyre her friends too but it was the first time any of them had seen her since last semester. I could tell things got a little weird for her and I wasn’t sure if it was my fault for being too close to her or what. Later when she left she texted me and told me that it was a bit overwhelming because in that scenario (with all of our friends together) she was always my girlfriend. Obviously that’s not the case now so it was a little weird for her.

 

I end the night drinking and texting her. I kinda get carried away and tell her she should come over and hang out with me more. She insists that shes too tired and I push a little more. Eventually I quit pushing, but looking back, I realize I probably shouldn’t have put myself out there that much and probably looked kind of dumb lol.

 

I know that I've written a lot here but I could really use some advice. This was the first time in 4 months since we've seen each other face to face and the first time since we broke up that we've had any meaningful exchanges with one another. It really felt like there is still so much between us and it got me thinking that reconciliation between us is possible. I'm just not exactly sure how to go about doing it. I'm still taking finals at school until next week, but once I'm home I can see my ex a lot more if I choose too (and if she lets me lol).

 

So what do you guys think? I know that for any reconciliation to occur I am going to have to make the initial push to make it happen. But I really do think its possible at this point, and I'm actually kind of surprised of how it is. Anyone have advice for me? I really do want to get back with her and I need advice on maximizing my chances.

 

THANKS so much guys.

[TheJerseyKid]

I think you made the initial push already, and she seems to be somewhat receptive to everything. I'd say just don't give her too much all at once, or become clingy, needy, or appear desperate in anyway. You also don't know her intentions, not saying this is the case with you, but in a few situations I've had... There have been situations where ex's come back into the picture, mainly because the rebound ended, and they need someone to give them attention until they move onto the next thing. So they give you more than they have been giving you, getting your hopes up, then one day they decide to stop talking to you again because they've found their next victim. Just something to keep in mind. Good luck.

[Tangz]

Keep it up but just dont be clingy/needy DONT PUSH too much!

[jinxremoving]

Guess you've just got to play things cool and see how the situation develops. Don't let things distract you from work, let her do the work with regards to initiating/meeting up but don't let her call the shots. Don't assume she wants to get back together at all - it could well be the case she just misses you (which is entirely different to wanting you back.) I think, basically, assume worst case scenarios just keep yourself in check but don't be blind to anything she does that could hint the tide is turning your way. Be receptive if she reaches out but cool, calm and collected. Basically - friendly, distant but not too distant is the key i think. But what do I know?! I'm in a similar situation!

[WhatSetsUs]

Thanks for the replies, these were a lot more encouraging than I thought I would have gotten. I'm trying to play it cool, trying to stick to NIC. Its been 2 days now since I've last talked to her. I'm leaving school for the summer and I can't help but think maybe it would be a good idea to ask her out. Maybe to lunch or something, nothing too heavy. But I mean we have been out of each others lives for the past 3 months or so, and I think catching up may be the best thing for us to start moving forward.

 

I feel like reconciliation is possible, but would asking her out sometime next week be too much of a push?

[jellysandwich]

Yes. Let her be the one to ask.

[Ms Darcy]

Just be careful here. You are thinking about recon when it might be that she's just struggling to adjust. If you ask her out and she refuses without setting a new time to meet, then just let it go.

[jinxremoving]

I feel like reconciliation is possible, but would asking her out sometime next week be too much of a push?

Unless you've turned her down her offers to catch up multiple times recently, let her be to the one to suggest meeting up.

[WhatSetsUs]

Unless you've turned her down her offers to catch up multiple times recently, let her be to the one to suggest meeting up.

 

Well the thing is, we havent really been talking at all since we've been broken up. When we saw each other this past weekend, it was the first meaningful interaction we've had in months. I havent even had the opportunity to turn down an offer from her because we were both away at school this home time, so it was kinda like out of sight, out of mind. She's home now, and I'll be back tomorrow so I figured that since we've "hung out" last week, that it would be a great starting point to ask her out to something once I got home.

 

Basically I feel like I have to make a little push to get things going because in the past (and even when we broke up the first time) I had to get things rolling because she wasnt the type to make a move.

[WhatSetsUs]

so I asked her out...and she agreed, we're having lunch at "our favorite" restaurant. When I asked her out she made it pretty apparent she didnt want it to be a date, and she also offered to return something of mine that I let her borrow a long time ago....Both of those two things were pretty huge blows to my ego. It sucks cause this will only be the second time I've seen her since we've been broken up and it already feels like I have no chance.

 

Regardless, I'm deteremined, so does anyone have any advice on what to do tomorrow when we hang out? I know I should avoid relationship stuff and just act cool and what not, but to be honest, all I really want is to get her back.

[TryingVeryHard]

All the advice I could give has already been said better somewhere else on this board I'm sure, but I just wanted to say that I have a friend that was broken up with his girl for almost 2 years while she was away at college. When she moved back, he asked her out to dinner. She told me that she made her friends promise her that they wouldn't let her date him again. She tried to make it as much of a "just friends" dinner as possible, but sure enough they got back together...

 

I don't want to give you false hope, but I just wanted to say it's not completely a lost cause.

[kittykat_12]

I think it might be time that you lay it all out there.. You've had your time to play the games, let her initiate, act coy and playful... But there comes a time when you almost start to get frustrated with the situation. She's loving it right now - she knows she has you and she doesn't even need to commit. But before you tell her all this, you need to be mentally prepared that she won't react and will just let you walk away... are you ready for that?

[dumped]

so I asked her out...and she agreed, we're having lunch at "our favorite" restaurant. When I asked her out she made it pretty apparent she didnt want it to be a date, and she also offered to return something of mine that I let her borrow a long time ago....Both of those two things were pretty huge blows to my ego. It sucks cause this will only be the second time I've seen her since we've been broken up and it already feels like I have no chance.

 

Regardless, I'm deteremined, so does anyone have any advice on what to do tomorrow when we hang out? I know I should avoid relationship stuff and just act cool and what not, but to be honest, all I really want is to get her back.

 

Just have fun.

 

Don't put ANYTHING out there.

[WhatSetsUs]

Thanks for all the replies...

 

so we hung out yesterday...we went to lunch at our favorite restaurant. If I had to grade how the date went I would give it a C. Because it was really just average. The conversation flowed for the most part, although there were some awkward silences. The conversation was light, nothing serious or about the relationship, just a lot of catching up. While all that was good, there was absolutely no "connection" between us. Im usually good at reading my ex but she wasnt giving me any signs of interest. No flirting, no deep stares, no hints at relationship stuff. Nothing. Im sure I was just expecting a little too much, too soon, but still lol. She did want to go get water ice afterward so I was happy to hear that.

 

We go Ritas to get water ice and this is where things get a bit awkward. Conversation lulled a bit and there were awkward silences. And of course I had to ask her if hanging out was awkward for her. She said no of course and so did I, but immediately after that things go awkward. Great. So we finish up and hug and say goodbye. I apologize for the awkward question and I told her that I just had to get used to how different things were between us. Probably not the best thing to do...

 

Later last night I told her I was gonna ask her out again, half joking, half not, but I never got a response. That kinda hurt my ego a bit.

 

Today we did talk a bit through text which was nice. I think Im gonna go back to NIC for awhile to let things cool off a bit. Does anyone have any advice on how to get closer to my ex without pushing her away? I think I'm using the Push-Pull Theory a bit, but I feel like maybe I'm doing a little too much pushing and she might be backing off.

 

 

What should I do?