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Losing My True Self...Weak??


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Hi, I'm new to this so please be gentle with me!

I have been in a very up/down relationship for 7 years. My partner is abusive, I know this. He is verbally & occasionally physically abusive toward me.His emotional issues run vey deep, but ultimately I have always LIKED this man. He is funny & caring BUT he controls everything & thinks he gives me everything I need because he says the right things & is totally devoted to me when things are going okay. He even controls our sex life because he says that it shouldn't be a factor when we love each other. We don't have sex at all except when he decides. He doesn't understand that for me it is a sensual validation of our love for each other.The thing is I know he is sexually turned on by normal sexy things but just doesn't want to act these feelings with me.

He has children from a previous relationship whom I love like they were my own but they didn't ring me for mothers' day even though I have looked after them along with their mum &him since they were in primary school. They are now 16 & 18. I was hurt but put it down to typical self centered teenagers. I told my partner I was hurt but the next argument we had he told me they didn't ring me because they hated me, just like he did.

I am a very passionate person with very strong opinions & I can be very short tempered, but my feelings don't last for long.I voice my opinion & then get on with it, I love my loved ones, I get hurt easily when I believe I am being misunderstood. I care & love the people in my life but I feel I'm slowly losing my true personality. I used to be so outgoing & fun but now I find myself biting my tongue a lot...fearful that I will be forced into a * * * for tat challenge that I can't possibly win, his manipulation is too clever for me.I don't have a social life anymore, I just couldn't be bothered. I drink a lot on the weekends to keep up with him.

A few weeks ago I became violent with him, oh how good it felt for the tables to turn...I was doubting our relationship..he's so nice with everyone else but doesn't need me in the bed. I questioned his behaviour & kicked him violently. Now he says he is the victim. How sweet for him..his behaviour is justified!

He has controlled this relationship from the start.

I want to leave who I thought was my best friend...I need advice on how to stay strong. This realtionship is poisonous.

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Oh my god I didn't think someone would respond so soon..thankyou so much. What am I doing wrong? Why can't he get it through his head that I love him so much but he is going to lose me? He is an idiot..I worked with him before we got together & always admired him from afar. He doesn't believe in his own self worth & brings me down to make himself feel better. He is your typical school yard bully.

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A relationship such as you describe is not a relationship. It can be best described as a "macabre dance", and you have joined the dance now (precisely what he wanted) by mirroring him, and turning on him. This man has a serious personality problem, he is an abuser, and I do hope you seek professional help to disentangle yourself from this unhealthy relationship.

There are a number of books over on a recommended books thread on this forum. ou will find them useful, as you need to validate yourself, and realise what is going on.


Also this book:


Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft


Good luck


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Isn't it funny that we go through so many emotions when we finally wake up and say we are abused. It feels like they don't noticed anything but what they want, they are controlling, fierce and all consuming. Finally we come to the point of realising that nothing we do will ever work. Time to leave abusing him won't work. I hate mine, do you?

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Thankyou H..macabre dance is spot on..& I'm the one tired of dancing, God knows I've tried. I've put things in place to leave but he doesn't know it yet. It could get ugly 'cos he wants to do things his way & me controlling the shots wont go down well. He'll tell me that he can't live without me. He truly is a artist(Australian slang). He even thinks because his wage gets us through the week because mine is already spent on rent & bills that I am using him. Oh god I really have to leave now 'cos I am hating him so much. Just writing about our relationship has made me realise what a sham it is.

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But when we finally realise as i have just done,, YAY!!!

I won't be a victim. I just don't know how the frig I'm going to do this....I have pets I can't take with me & money I just can't raise. I tell you what though, when it happens, blow to him!! He STUFFED UP! Bad Luck! He had the most loving, caring women in the world who took on all of his . Grow up Stuart!! Good luck in life!!!!!!

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Just get your ducks in a row, Mac. Organise things so you can get out of there, pets and all. Actually dealing with the practicalities of leaving this individual will help you a lot in your determination.

You deserve a reasonable life (don't we all?!).

You can do it.


All the best


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  • 2 weeks later...



I have just come to the realization you are now. I was stupid in the sense that I already HAVE a wonderful person in my life... and that I allowed this particular Abuser stalked me at work & reel me in too.

I have finally CUT all ties to this co-worker... and honestly feel no qualms about it because he is literally shooting himself in the foot, by becoming a monster towards me in front of all of his peers.

I almost LOST the best thing in my life....My partner & MYSELF. All because of someone else's JEALOUSLY.


You WILL get out of this alive & HAPPY once again!! And even though you Daily question yourself & whether Leaving him is the Right thing to do (just like I do)... just KNOW that he mind f**ked you to get what HE NEEDED. You are a GOOD person, you are LOVING person, and because of those GREAT qualities... He actually is Extremely ENVIOUS of you.



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I was in a similar relationship for four years. I left twice and went back twice. But in January I left again, and I'm never going back.


Like you, I was losing who I was. My personality has changed and I don't even know who I am anymore.


I'd like to tell you more, but I've been typing a lot tonight and my hands are killing me. (I have arthritis.) Please click on my name in the upper corner of this post, find my other posts, and read the first ones which tell about my experience and how I got away. Maybe it can help you find the courage you need to leave.





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I am waiting for a place at a womens shelter, I have no money as well (he sucks my money), at least I can save when I leave. I have a dog that I have to leave but my mental health is more important then taking a dog, that is the way you should feel. ring the abuse hotline and get out.

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at first I was looking for relationships and breakup forums . . . then I saw abuse and violence. I very recently started therapy. I knew what I was going through and had gone through was abuse but my therapist held up a mirror, so to speak, so i could see the damage done. my ex finally left me last week . . . for good, I hope. I'm still in love with her and want her back but she's no good for me. I posted a reply to someone else's post - if you need more details. I read this post and saw more similarities with what I had gone through. the abuse didn't start until about 2 years into the relationship. she said she had never hurt anyone like that before and it was probably something I was doing or saying to cause her to do what she did. I would die inside when she would do this stuff . . . but life moves on and so did I . . . so i thought. after a couple of years of this I lashed out one night . . .she was beating the hell out of me and I wound up curled up in a ball on the floor trying to protect myself . . . then i got really angry . . . after she was done hitting me she stood over me yelling and asking me if I was happy about what I made her do . . . more anger rose to the surface and I stood up and shoved her into a wall and screamed at her to stop hurting me. I came up on her like i wanted to hit her . . . she gave me this sickening smile and said calmly "go ahead and hit me. you know you want to" it stopped me . . .I stepped back and she shoved me to the floor . . .then she went off crying and saying "I can't believe you would do that to me". she turned it completely around and said she felt scared. She threatened to kill herself. She'd grabbed a knife and I grabbed the hand it was in and begged her not to hurt herself because she was special to me. I apologized to her and held her why she cried. it made me feel like I was heartless for not seeing her pain at that moment. I was and am still lost . . .if she came to my door today, there's a good chance I'd take her back . . . but I know I don't need her. she had to breakup with me for me to "get away from her". I actually pleaded with her not to breakup with me . . . not to leave . . .sent emails and called but no response . . .which is good for me. It gave me the strength to make a decision to erase memories of her out of my life . . . all pictures, cards, letters, emails . . . gifts . . all gone. It feels weird that this life is all my own now. It's very fresh . . .as she just left last week. My life feels empty without her . . . but I also feel stronger . . .I also started joining meetup groups for things I was interested in - like outdoor activities, running and open mic/poetry nights . . . I don't have many friends because I was isolated for most of the years we were together. it's scary but be stronger than waiting for him to end it . . . be stronger than me. Get out of it before something really bad happens . . . he's playing a game with you . . .and a very dangerous one. she could have ended it by killing me . . .which she had threatened to do - don't let him decide when it ends . . . you end it by leaving . . . please be careful and I wish you luck and strength . . .

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