Big Problem

[Hurting85]

I'm not one to usually snoop, but my husband is bisexual and one of the two men he was ever with he's still best friends with. I've done my best to think of him as a sort of ex-girlfriend, because that's the only way I know how to understand it.

 

They've known each other for 15 years, the guy is obsessive about him, and it makes me nauseous the way he talks about my husband, like he idolizes him.

 

We've had some interesting conversations about this friend, and I always come away with the impression that he doesn't want to really be friends any more, he has to. If he ignores calls, his friend will call my MIL and try to figure out what he did, or what he said, to make my husband distant. My husband took a call around midnight one night and went out on the patio to talk.

 

We had a conversation a couple weeks back about how he wouldn't do anything sexual with this friend unless I gave him the okay. I thought about it, tried to think I could be that generous and decided there was no way in hell. He put up no objections.

 

Anyhow, this is the conversation, my husband is H and the friend is F. I'm W.

 

Not sure why. I had read some of his text conversation with F before, but today I went through the whole thing.

 

I used to think that his mom and F had it all wrong about him, that he was being 100% honest with me, and I knew the real him, and they only knew what he wanted them to know. I think that isn't the case any more. Here are some snippets:

 

H: I've been looks at apps. Saw a few I was sure W wouldn't like me having.

F: Such as?

H: Asian Playboy

 

That's news to me!! Every time I try to get him to watch porn he says why.

 

F: Well how long before she gets a job?

H: I don't know. I don't really care. As long as she doesn't spend all my money we should do fine.

 

 

There's good stuff too:

 

H: The house was trashed when I left this morning and when I got home it was practically spotless.

 

H: Well I transferred almost all of our wedding money to my credit card.. W wasn't too happy about that.

 

(No, but I never complained! I knew we needed to pay it off.)

 

H: So far so good. Came home to lasagna and clean dishes. It was nice.

 

Here's the part that turned my stomach in knots:

 

F: I am talking about buying a house with you. Like a vacation house that we can both go to if we wanted somewhere. A house to share on the summers or something. LOL Not a necessity.

(No response from H)

 

F: I was just talking about you when you texted

H: What were you saying?

H: Hey yo woman I'm talkin ta yous

F: Are you drunk? And yes, I was saying that I am going to see you in a week and that I need to give you the last of your stuff which is in a Walmart bag.

H: You kept souvenirs? That's so sweet... and creepy

F: LOL no, they are stuff that I was planning on bringing to you when I drove down for the wedding or before then, but I was rushing and forgot

 

H: I can't wait until W has her ID though. That way I won't have to go with her to buy food.

(Um, I'd been practically begging him to take me!!!!)

 

H: Did you need something?

(Must have missed a call)

F: I needed to ask you something but I can't remember what it was off hand

H: I hate road trips now

F: Lol Why?

H: Because I'm stuck listening the the same person for hours at a time and you can't just get up and walk outside to get away cause her or my parents will think that something is wrong and might ask stupid questions.

F: LOL. Well I think that you would enjoy roadtrips better with me because I on't stay anywhere long. Lol. Plus I do lots of fun stuff and avoid family. Lol

H: But I'm not on a roadtrip with you. I'm on one with my lovely ing wife that I'm rapidly getting annoyed with. Not to mention, W probably won't ever be happy if I go on a road trip with you cause she'll think we're having sex behind her back.

H: Ugh. She's ing about her feeling self conscious because her parents are trying to look out for her. I just want to tell her, "Well maybe if you learned to really take care of yourself they wouldn't hound you."

F: And has she mentioned anything else about us doing stuff together since you originally told her?

H: yep she gets nervous about me even talking to you

F: really? I wonder now if it is even a good thing that she knows now... Because I am not going to do anything like that with you now that you are married And I don't want her to make you choose later on between being maried to her or being friends with me if she gets really paranoid... I hope that she never does that to you...

 

 

I'm thinking that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm thinking I have no clue who the man I married is. I'm thinking that I should just chalk it up as a mistake, especially if there's this much about him that I'm not aware of. I feel like my heart is breaking right and I wanna curl up in a ball and cry. I want to call him at work, tell him to find his own way home, and that we'll be having a talk when he gets here. I want to tell him I read it all and that it hurt, even if I deserve it for snooping. I want to tell him it's either me or F. But can I really do that?

 

And then I'm tempted to just talk to his friend about their relationship. Hubby swears it was never romantic, they just experimented, he liked it (giving, not receiving, so why isn't it good enough that I'm willing to do anal?) and the only reason he would do it with friend again is because he knows friend wouldn't blab and friend is clean.

 

I want to call him at work and give him a heads up that some rules are going to be laid down tonight that he might not like but that's about his only option for keeping me. But I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be controlling. But I can't handle the thought of those two being together alone. I know I should trust him, and I do, I think. But I'd still be sick with worry.

 

Should I just throw in the towel on my almost two month old marriage?

[Hurting85]

So I called him at work and gave him a heads up that we'd be having a talk tonight about some rules and boundaries. I couldn't help it.

[Catdancer]

I dont see a problem with his texts. The other man blatantly said that he isnt trying to have sex with your hubs because you two are married. I would quit complaining about it, so it's not a bone of contention between you two and just keep an eye on him and his friend. Check his texts, secretly, from time to time and try to relax and enjoy your marriage.

[Catdancer]

So I called him at work and gave him a heads up that we'd be having a talk tonight about some rules and boundaries. I couldn't help it.

 

If you try to control him you are going to push him even farther away.

[Hurting85]

I can't though. Every time I hear his phone ring or a text message come in, I feel like I have to know who it is. I woke up from a nap once to hear him whispering on the phone in the other room. So I stood and listened. Turns out, he was talking to his mom and was being quiet so he wouldn't wake me. It just really bothers me.

 

And the big issue I have with the texts is that goes against a lot of things he's told me when I've asked questions.

 

I just think I made a mistake and I don't know him the way I thought I did. I don't know if I can deal with it.

 

I have no one to turn to in RL because I swore I wouldn't tell he was bi, so I'm stuck trying to get comfort from a computer screen.

[Hurting85]

If you try to control him you are going to push him even farther away.

 

 

I know. And I've never been this way with him, but I'm so frustrated and angry and I just don't know what to do. I can't handle their relationship. I just can't.

[Catdancer]

If you absolutely cannot handle their relationship, then you have the option of leaving him.

 

I would sit him down and explain all of this to him, rationally without passing judgement and arguing, and tell him that you just cant take the pressure and fear that his friend brings you. And that it's so bad, you are considering leaving him. Then ask him for his help. Dont tell him what to do. Ask him to help you work through it in order to save your marriage. Leave it up to him to figure out what he needs to do in order to keep you.

[Hurting85]

And I guess then I'll know which is more important- how I, his wife, feel, or how this friend that he generally avoids contact with feels.

[Hurting85]

Here's a new question then- I have the car today so I can go pick some things up for a surprise I'm planning for him (surely I should go ahead with the plans, in case every thing gets smoothed over. Tomorrow we'll have been married two months. I'm not planning anything extravagant or expensive.) But that means I'll be picking him up from work. He's one of those walk away when he doesn't want to deal with it types. Should I start the conversation in the car and maybe take a longer way home? Or should I let the car ride be awkward and wait until we get home?

[Sanesoul]

I don't like that he is talking about you like this behind your back. I don't know a single man, who is truly in love with his wife who would talk like this.

 

If my husband did that, I'd have serious problems with it. It's incredibly disrespectful.

[Hurting85]

Thank you!

 

I mean, we went on a three week long road trip. I can understand getting annoyed with someone you're trapped in the car with, but I thought we were having fun! He never once let on or I'd have shut up or slept or read a book or something.

 

And as far as spending HIS money, we agreed it's 90% our money now. We each get 10% of our own check for our own no questions asked spending. The rest is for rent and bills and common things. I have never once asked for money to do anything for myself. It's always for gas, or to go buy groceries. We're about to get me my own card for the credit card account, so I have to ask for his when I go.

 

And I want to tell friend that I am making him choose and it's all his fault for being freakishly obsessive.

 

And I apologize for the profanity in the first post- I was just copying messages and not thinking.

[Catdancer]

No, do not start it in the car. He will take it as an attack. And he will be feeling funky from working all day. So, kiss him hello, ask him about his day. And enjoy being with him. Fix him dinner, or do whatever you had planned. Once he's relaxed and his belly is full, he will be more comfortable talking to you. Just dont attack him. Ask him for his help in resolving this issue.

[Catdancer]

I don't like that he is talking about you like this behind your back. I don't know a single man, who is truly in love with his wife who would talk like this.

 

If my husband did that, I'd have serious problems with it. It's incredibly disrespectful.

 

I see it as venting. What do we all do on here? We vent and make our partners and exes out to be monsters. lol He's venting to his friend. No harm, no foul.

[Hurting85]

Then I'd be lying to him. Right now, I don't care how his day is going to go, in fact I kind of hope I ruined it, and I know that's immature and selfish and all sorts of other bad stuff, but he ruined mine. Actually, I guess I ruined mine. Great. I don't even have a leg to stand on with all this. It's all my fault.

 

I still don't see me enjoying being around him. I see us barely making it in the door. Or me trying to not say something and breaking down in the car.

 

Maybe all the times we've talked about this friendship I've never gotten accross exactly how much it bothers me.

[Sanesoul]

I see it as venting. What do we all do on here? We vent and make our partners and exes out to be monsters. lol He's venting to his friend. No harm, no foul.

 

It's one thing to vent to internet strangers, quite another to vent to someone who knows the partner being vented about.

[Catdancer]

Do you even love him, or it is more of a competition with his friend to see who wins him? Why did you marry him 2 months ago, if you already knew about his lifelong friend?

[Hurting85]

I guess I vent about him too, and he did have nice things sprinkled in there, but some of how they came accross seemed wrong to me.

[Catdancer]

It's one thing to vent to internet strangers, quite another to vent to someone who knows the partner being vented about.

 

I vent to people in real like all the time. About my son's father. I even vent to his own sister and mother. I just dont see the harm in venting out emotions to anyone, whether it be a friend, family member or the internet.

[Sanesoul]

"loving *expletive* wife" is all I need to know about his character. I don't care who he's talking to, it's not cool.

[Hurting85]

Do you even love him, or it is more of a competition with his friend to see who wins him? Why did you marry him 2 months ago, if you already knew about his lifelong friend?

 

Because I'm absolutely crazy about him. I love him in a way I've never loved any one. Things just seem to be getting more out of hand with this friend.

 

I'm sorry, but "Sure, I'd have sex with him if you said it was okay" is not something I ever expected to hear. That was about two weeks ago, and that's when things really started getting hard for me to handle. Before then, it was mostly an annoyance, something I could accept, but didn't necessarily like. It's been eating at me for the past couple weeks and I can't handle it anymore, not now that I've seen what I've seen.

[Sanesoul]

I vent to people in real like all the time. About my son's father. I even vent to his own sister and mother. I just dont see the harm in venting out emotions to anyone, whether it be a friend, family member or the internet.

 

It's just my opinion. I don't think it's respectful to a relationship to say nasty things about the person you are supposedly in love with...to anyone.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Honestly, I think this guy may be full-fledged gay and he married you to keep up a front. This is not the sign of someone who loves men and women equally. You may be in love with him but he is not in love with you..I am not even sure he loves this guy. I think he is trying to get the best of both worlds while stringing both you and this guy along.

[Catdancer]

It's just my opinion. I don't think it's respectful to a relationship to say nasty things about the person you are supposedly in love with...to anyone.

 

No worries! I think it's ok to say mean things at times to others about your SO. Because it's psych 101. If the person you are talking to agrees with you that your SO is selfish, mean, etc., usually you start to defend them. lol And it helps to see through your anger or frustration and makes you realize that it's not as bad as you thought. At least that's been my *personal* experience. Everyone deals with their feelings and SOs differently, so I dont expect the world to agree with me. lol

 

To the OP...I think that telling your hubs how scared and insecure you are and asking him his advice for what you BOTH can do to alleviate your feelings is a good first step.

[Hurting85]

We've talked about it before. I didn't really find out anything new in those texts that he hadn't told me except for the vacation house, which he didn't seem interested in, and the road trip thing. But all the rest about them being friends or having sex or whatever, he's told me. Actually, he said friend said he wouldn't do it because he didn't want to hurt me, which isn't exactly what was said. And I kept asking, how did the topic of you two having sex come up. He didn't have an answer for that. Now I know.

 

But back to my point/question. We've talked before. I didn't feel near as strongly as I do now. Then I was willing to be a little comfortable if it meant he was happy, but I am not willing to sit here and cry all day just so he can be happy. So what do I say this time to really get the point accross? Do I bring up the option of divorce, which we've always said is something you don't throw out there? And how can I be sure I mean that, because if I throw it out, I have to be willing to follow through.

[Hurting85]

And he seemed kind of nervous when I told him we'd be talking mostly about friend. I wonder why...