Cyndane Posted May 11, 2010 Share Posted May 11, 2010 I'm frustrated at the moment My boyfriend and I finally reconciled and as we're talking about marriage and buying a house together, he said that we can't live in the same suburb as his ex-girlfriend. She basically lives one suburb down from where I'm living at present with my parents. Initially I was ok with this but after doing bit of research and working out what was affordable (taking into account future wedding and him needing to buy a new car) and close to the things we want (parents, work, fav. shops etc.)...it turns out that where she lives is actually best for our budget. When I tried to explain and reason this with my boyfriend, he got very upset and angry at me. I asked why and he said that moving into the same suburb as her would "cause her pain and be very hurtful to her". Now I feel like I'm being very unreasonable and insensitive, but at the same time I don't understand why he's being so concerned about her. Is this because he hasn't come to terms with the relationship with his ex-gf? Is this because he still has feelings for her? He works in the same place (but different areas) as his ex-gf and only speaks with her occasionally. They don't ever hang out or call each other. He says he still cares about her but not in a romantic sense and felt very guilty for the end of their r/s because he wasn't sure (she gave him an ultimatum), and he continues to feel very guilty for hurting her as she was a "very nice person". Help me get some perspective on this... Link to comment
Brigadoon Posted May 11, 2010 Share Posted May 11, 2010 My boyfriend and I finally reconciled and as we're talking about marriage and buying a house together...taking into account future wedding and him needing to buy a new car... Help me get some perspective on this... Personally I have to ask how long you've been reconciled? You seem to be taking some very serious steps if it has been recent especially as he still seems to harbour a lot of concern for his ex. Some details would be great; how long you were apart/ back together/ length of time between you and her etc. Link to comment
sidehop Posted May 11, 2010 Share Posted May 11, 2010 I agree, more information would help. And I do feel that he's being honest that he just doesn't want anything to do with the ex in a respectful way to her and you as well. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted May 11, 2010 Share Posted May 11, 2010 Perhaps he doesn't feel comfortable with the possibility of bumping into her at home aswell as at work or want to deal with her presence in his life on a day to day basis. Link to comment
Cyndane Posted May 11, 2010 Author Share Posted May 11, 2010 Personally I have to ask how long you've been reconciled? You seem to be taking some very serious steps if it has been recent especially as he still seems to harbour a lot of concern for his ex. Some details would be great; how long you were apart/ back together/ length of time between you and her etc. We've been together for 2+ years, I'm 30 and he's 36. We were apart I guess for about 2 months but still kept in touch during that time. He dated his ex 5 years ago, they were together for just under 1 year. She's 40 now and he felt that at the time, he was her last shot at getting married and settling down. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 11, 2010 Share Posted May 11, 2010 The bottom line is that he is not comfortable moving there..I doubt if he still has feelings for the ex otherwise he would have chosen to be with her rather than you. Moving to a place is about both people feeling comfortable about the place. Budgets can be re-worked, a wedding can be done a bit cheaper, etc there is not just one way to work things out. If he wants to live in a different suburb then this needs to be discussed. Both of you need to sit down and come up with a compromise. Link to comment
Cyndane Posted May 12, 2010 Author Share Posted May 12, 2010 The bottom line is that he is not comfortable moving there..I doubt if he still has feelings for the ex otherwise he would have chosen to be with her rather than you. Moving to a place is about both people feeling comfortable about the place. Budgets can be re-worked, a wedding can be done a bit cheaper, etc there is not just one way to work things out. If he wants to live in a different suburb then this needs to be discussed. Both of you need to sit down and come up with a compromise. You're right...I should just try and work around the issue. I just have some difficulty coming to terms with the fact that he still "cares" about her. Link to comment
Brigadoon Posted May 12, 2010 Share Posted May 12, 2010 You're right...I should just try and work around the issue. I just have some difficulty coming to terms with the fact that he still "cares" about her. I've never really understood why friends of mine hate it when a guy is considerate towards his exes; I personally have always said that it would make me feel MORE secure when getting into a relationship that could end up in marriage to know that I am with someone who is capable of decency after a relationship ended. Just in case I end up in that position lol. I do admit that I would be a bit wary if there hadn't been a decent amount of time between his and your relationship but it does appear that he is just a decent guy who doesn't want any unnecessary complications. I think he'll really appreciate your attempts to accommodate him on the location issue. Link to comment
Cyndane Posted May 21, 2010 Author Share Posted May 21, 2010 Well it seems that things have gotten more complicated. Because my bf and ex work at the same place, now he says that we can't get engaged (or married) until he leaves that place because he doesn't want to hurt her feeling or have people feel sorry for her. He's recently got a promotion so will have stay there at least for another 6 months, assuming he can find another job in the meantime to start early next year. I've also found out that people at work don't know we're still together, he says its to stop the gossip from going around but I suspect that its so she doesn't find out and get hurt. I didn't even get invited to a colleague's engagement because of this! I'm getting the feeling like we have to do everything so as to not hurt his ex-gf, that all our plans revolved around her and its getting very frustrating. Sorry I had to vent. Link to comment
Unity Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 Sorry but that's overboard to me. It sounds like he is either 1) seeing her still, without you knowing or 2) he is hoping to reconcile with her and doesn't want her to know that you're in the picture, or as serious as you really are. The fact that he's saying you can't get engaged until he finds new employment is very, VERY telling. Link to comment
BlkLagoon Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I would tell him that her feelings are HER feelings, and he has absolutely no responsibility for them. Whether or not she's hurt is of no concern. She's the one that needs to deal with it. GUILT is a useless emotion!! It's too bad she's going to be upset, but she can get counseling, get a new relationship, change her OWN life around, etc. Feeling bad for someone is not a good enough reason to avoid reality. Link to comment
Brigadoon Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 Okay; this is all extremely weird. Have you ever met her? Has he ever introduced you as his partner to her? And I really don't see why he isn't telling anyone that you guys are together. I mean if they've been broken up for so long why should it matter? There is showing concern and respect for someone who was once important to you and then there's this situation which is just totally overboard. Link to comment
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