Will he appreciate my honesty here?

[Sparkly Eyes]

I want to tell a guy tomorrow that I want him only as a friend. He's never explicitly said anything about us dating. But I have known him for a while now and I think that is his ultimate goal, either us dating or just sleeping together. Last week I agreed to go out with him on this weekend and I think he might think this is a date. He has made advances before and I denied...so I thought he knew we are just friends, but now I'm not so sure. My love life is rather complicated right now and I'd rather not make it more complicated. Should I just tell him tomorrow bluntly that I just want to be friends with him? If so, how should I say it so he takes it well?

 

I have said this to other guys before, which most of them didn't take well and ended our friendship, which is sad, but fine by me as I don't want to hurt them.

[Speranza]

Accepting to go out wasn't that good a move really... it wouldn't be good to throw this at him on what he thinks is a date...

 

I would make it quietly clear tomorrow that you are checking other guys out (even if you have to invent attraction). Just small things like, "THere are some nice men here tonight - what do you think of the women?" or "This is so great - I don't see why you should have to stay home at weekends just because you aren't in a couple..."

 

Hopefully this will at least give him the idea that the 'date' stuff isn't going to happen. It may not.

 

I can see why your love life is complicated, if you've had to have this discussion with other people. I wonder if it's time to step back and think about the vibes you give off. If for example you are physically affectionate with these men, thinking it's just a bit of fun (you have brothers maybe?)

 

It's confusing for people, try not to do that to guys!

[Sparkly Eyes]

Thanks for the reply. No, I don't give off vibes, I really don't and I'm not physically affectionate with them at all either. I'm just friendly I think. It's hard to tell what means a date and what not sometimes, specially with this guy because we hung out a lot before when we both knew it was not a date. I guess I don't wanna be naive anymore and let the guys choose if they want to be friends or not and not lead them on.

 

So you think just bluntly saying it is not cool? Wouldn't that just make make things clear once and for always?

[Speranza]

It depends WHEN you say it and HOW you say it... if he really thinks you are on a date, you could really crush him. Just play it by ear, be very careful about your body language and direct the conversation away from 'couple' stuff.

 

Really you need a guy here! I don't think it's kind to lead people on and I can tell you don't either. He does need to hear it bluntly, yes, I just don't know that this is the right moment. For his self esteem! And remember our kind little phrases "You're like a brother" and "You're a great friend" can feel like scalpels to the heart...

[Sparkly Eyes]

Tomorrow is not a date... Yeah , I don't want to use those lines. Just say something like: hey, I'm not sure what your deal is and what you want out of us, but I like us to be just friends and nothing more. I just wanted to let you know, so I don't lead you on.

 

Is that good enough?

[Speranza]

Your call! If it feels right, go for it.

[Brigadoon]

Been in this situation and it sucks.

What I have found is that you have to just wait 'til they make a move and then say it with as little fuss as possible.

I've tried everything else to try and get them to back off before it ruins things but they don't seem to get it and even after being totally clear about it I feel that they don't actually believe you mean no and keep hoping and trying until the friendship becomes untenable.

I recently had to completely end a friendship with an ex who broke up with me and came back years later under the friend guise as he kept trying it on and as he couldn't get anywhere with me when I was sober took to trying to get me plastered and take advantage.

Hardly the kind of behaviour you'd look for in a friend

[BriarRose]

I think you should cancel your plans with him. He will see it as a date, despite what you may think. Or he will at least see it as moving forward with you.

 

If you wait until you are on the date, he will be embarrassed the rest of the night or possibly hurt and dissappointed.

[pl3asehelp]

Tomorrow is not a date... Yeah , I don't want to use those lines. Just say something like: hey, I'm not sure what your deal is and what you want out of us, but I like us to be just friends and nothing more. I just wanted to let you know, so I don't lead you on.

 

Is that good enough?

 

This is perfect. Simple and honest. Also, if it's not already too late, tell him this before this outing/date. I wish all women could be this honest with men in this situation - you're doing a really honest, kind thing by telling him. Good for you.

[Sparkly Eyes]

This is perfect. Simple and honest. Also, if it's not already too late, tell him this before this outing/date. I wish all women could be this honest with men in this situation - you're doing a really honest, kind thing by telling him. Good for you.

 

I'm kinda nervous tho...should I give him any reason for how I feel?

[Taikero]

I'm kinda nervous tho...should I give him any reason for how I feel?

 

Do you have a clearly identifiable reason to give him?

[Sparkly Eyes]

Do you have a clearly identifiable reason to give him?

 

I do have a reason...but I don't want to tell him that. I mean, I feel like it's none of his business.

[Taikero]

Then don't tell him the reason if you feel uncomfortable about telling him. Leave it at you're not available to pursue a relationship with him.

[Sparkly Eyes]

What if he asks tho? The last time I said this to a guy, was after he made advances and I denied him (we weren't even on a date, or so I thought)...Then he kept asking and I indirectly said that I'm not attracted to him.

[Taikero]

What if he asks tho? The last time I said this to a guy, was after he made advances and I denied him (we weren't even on a date, or so I thought)...Then he kept asking and I indirectly said that I'm not attracted to him.

 

There is almost no answer or explanation that won't make him feel pretty awful if he was interested.

 

You could always turn him down with the old "I need to focus on myself right now." spiel, but if you're dating other people and end up getting a boyfriend any time soon, if he's not quite okay with the friendship just yet he could get kind of butthurt.

[J.Blunker]

I'm a guy, Ive been on the losing end of this kind of deal multiple times and rarely can I ever bring myself to be friends with said girl ever again. The way I used to be was that I was just a lonely person and I'd latch on to the first girl that would actually talk to me. I've gotten the "lets just be friends" line a hundred times, and every time it just sucks even more. There have been 3 times where I remainded friends with my crush and it was because of the way that they handled it.

 

possibly the best rejection I've gotten went something like this:

 

"J, you're one of my close friends and I care about you alot, but we can't date. I don't see you that way, all I want to do is have you as a friend. You're a sweet guy and I know that someone will eventually realize that and want to date you, and you'll love them, and they will love you."

 

 

Make sure that he knows it is a finality, the two of you will never have a relationship in that sense.Whatever you do, don't say something like:

 

"Oh well i like someone"

 

or

 

"I've got alot going on"

 

either of those explanations, and you will end up with one of 2 things

 

1-"Wow she is clearly bull****ing, **** her."

2-"Well she didn't say no, so maybe she will eventually like me"

 

Then again this is just how I am, and this sounds like a similar situation to ones I have been in

[Celadon]

I absolutely sympathize with the OP. I've been there enough times myself. The best guys are the ones who will accept what you have to say and will admit: Well, I thought I'd give it a shot. But those are the guys whom I would keep as friends if the opportunity came up.

 

I pretty much jump the gun these days. If I know I don't like a guy, when I make plans with someone I'll use the phrase, "as friends" at some point. "Sure, I'd be happy to get together as friends on Saturday." But that's because I hate the feeling of mismatched expectations. It's just un-enjoyable.

 

Since you're already in the situation, I'd bring it up with him. "Er, John, I hope you don't mind my bringing this up, but I wanted to talk with you about something. You know how we're going to hang out on Saturday? Well -- I know this is assuming a lot on my part, but I feel it's important because I really want to treat you with the respect you deserve. Anyway, I wanted to make sure you know I view our time together as just friends. I really enjoy your company, but I don't feel 'that way' about us. And I wanted to put it out there, not because I think you were thinking that way, but just because I really, really need to be clear. I've learned the hard way, so I want to make sure I'm treating guys right and not in any way leading them on. Does that make sense?"

 

If he's honest, he might admit that he's feeling crushed because he has feelings for you. If he's feeling rejected, he may say something else, like "What? Me interested in you? Naaah, I can't imagine us together at all!!"

 

But whatever. Your goal is to state how you feel. Let the chips fall where they may. It's great you're trying to be sensitive to him. Let us know how it turns out.

[Speranza]

That is great advice!

[Sparkly Eyes]

So we did go out, but I didn't tell him. In fact I think he was hoping to make a move. I feel really bad and don't know what to do. He will definitely want to make a move next time and I have to tell him. Should I text him? Would saying it in text be a bad idea? I really need to know.

[Sparkly Eyes]

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