What do you think of this quote: "Love is friendship that has caught on fire"

[sphx26]

Hi everybody!

 

Lately I've been seeing a lot of breakups happening everywhere, and I'm wondering what your thoughts are when it comes to establishing "friendship" first before getting into a relationship especially if you want a relationship to last?

 

There's a quote which goes "Love is friendship that has caught on fire"

What do you guys think? Point is,if you are friends, then you'd most likely know each others flaws yet still accept one another, as opposed to jumping into a relationship because of physical attraction or what-have-you, commonly mistaken as "love at first sight". Just to clarify, this is not so much as seeing all your friends as potential lovers as much as it is about taking it slow.

 

So, can you guys share stories to prove that it's best to be friends first and take things slow, rather than jump into a relationship right away only to find out sooner or later that you're really not that compatible?

[waveseer]

That sounds excellent in theory. I haven't experienced it because catching the fire for a man who's a friend has never happened for me.

[newsinglegal]

i kinda like the quote. in my opinion, i do not think that men and women can be super close friends for long without one person falling for the other

[sphx26]

Thanks waveseer! Well, most of the relationships that I've seen which lasts are those that are built on friendships first. After all, it's a very basic foundation esp. after the initial honeymoon phase when those butterflies in the stomach are gone..

[sphx26]

i kinda like the quote. in my opinion, i do not think that men and women can be super close friends for long without one person falling for the other

 

Good point newsinglegal! Granted that they know each other long enough and has seen both the positive and negative points and still can accept it, why not take it to the next level,ei?

 

The thing with dating someone you barely know is that people tend to hide their negative qualities just to please the other person, not knowing that it'll eventually show sooner or later, but if you're friends first, then you've got nothing to hide. lol.

[-Sanguine-]

haha yes! my first boyfriend. it was in grade 11, and I hardly knew the guy. He flirted with me when he saw me in the hallway and I was intrigued. We ended up making out at a party one night (I was very, very drunk - not a great first kiss either) and he asked me out the next day. Literally had hardly spoken any words to the guy, but I said yes. We lasted 10 days! I look back on it now and laugh. Even though it was only 2 years ago I feel like I've grown up so much. We most likely would have lasted longer had we become friends before I became his girlfriend..

 

I wouldn't say you need to be really good friends with someone before you date them, but I think you need to be able to hang out alone with flowing conversation and no akward silences and you need to have a kind of trust built before you start to date.

[sphx26]

I wouldn't say you need to be really good friends with someone before you date them, but I think you need to be able to hang out alone with flowing conversation and no akward silences and you need to have a kind of trust built before you start to date.

 

lol thank you for sharing your story D! Well, I agree with what you said above. Trust...and that is something that could be built with time and friendship.

[_Asti_]

I used that quote when I made a scrapbook several years ago for my guy, he loved that saying so much and said "It's true"

 

When we first met, he did like me and fell for me when we met. It wasn't mutual. But our social circles overlapped, and my good friend was dating his good friend, so we did spend alot of time together.

 

I enjoyed his company, we had alot in common, and we started spending more time together, alone, doing things that friends do. We built up trust, we communicated well, we had tons in common, and it was easy.

 

Things just naturally progressed, and once we started to get physical [after about 6-8 months or so ]we sealed the deal and realized that what we had was essentially a relationship.

 

We've been together 6 wonderful years [we were 18 and 23 when we met, now 24 and 29], and plans are underway for our wedding. We both couldn't be happier...and many times we say it was what went on in the beginning, the great foundation of a friendship we laid prior to the commitment that may be the reason for such success. It was easy, natural, and comfortable. The intense passion and chemistry and love came with time, the acceptance was almost always there....it really does feel like we have a friendship that is on fire. We are best friends, and can spend everyday all day together having fun, smiling, laughing, exploring the world, or doing nothing...but the intimacy is there behind closed doors, the physical chemistry, the romance, that extra little burst that takes this friendship to a totally different level.

[sphx26]

Amazing story there! I wish you all the best, Asti. Thank you for sharing! XD

[velvette]

my story is similar to Asti's, only in less eloquent words! hehehe.

 

same story; he fell for me when we first met, wasn't mutual... but same classes meant lots of hang-outs, we became BEST friends over time, he revealed he had feelings for me... I was afraid of physical affection so didn't want to date anyone, he tried to keep being my friend since he didn't want to lose what we did have, but it hurt him so much emotionally that he eventually pulled away. it took that to make me realize I wanted him in my life, forever, either as a friend or even something more, so we started dating... he understood I was wary of physical affections and so we went really reeeaally slow on that (didn't hold hands for a couple weeks, didn't kiss for half a year, didn't have sex until 3 years later; all on my call). we really were more like best friends than a normal couple; we did everything together, travelled the world, lived together immediately, did everything together *besides* the coupley physical stuff.

 

just now we're starting to explore sex and it's added a new dimension onto our already-solid relationship, so that's pretty cool. I honestly don't think we could've made it through some of our rougher patches without the trust and understanding we built during our purely-friends stage.

 

but it's strange--even before we started dating, within the first week we met, we both thought we'd get married [to each other] someday. I didn't like him that way yet, but I was drawn to him, like I'd known him a very long time. we have diaries dating back to those first weeks we met, and both of them hint at marriage to each other lol. I just find that... funny. seeing as we'd never dated anyone else prior, so definitely weren't the sort to just think stuff like that of someone we'd just met!

 

 

we were 18/19 when we met, now 22/23.

[SocialStigma]

That quote has been true for me for all my relationships. I have never dated a guy who I didn't know/was friends with beforehand. I prefer it that way actually.

 

I met and became friends with my current boyfriend when we were both freshmen in high school (age 14), started dating in our junior year (age 16) and have been together ever since (now turning 20). When we first met, I was actually dating his friend from elementary school, that's how we met. My first impression of him was that he was very, very immature (he was) and that I can only stand him in small doses haha! Over time he matured obviously and when he started liking me in grade 11, I actually liked his best friend at the time and wasn't interested in him at all. But I realized that he was more mature now and we were very compatible, we talked for at least 6 hours/day about everything and nothing. A month later he asked me out and I've never looked back since.

 

My ex before that is my best guy friend who I've known since I was 8, been best friends with since we were 12, and we dated briefly when we were 14.

[Batya33]

Yes but I think the best way to approach it if you meet someone and feel a spark or potential spark is to date - because to me dating isn't about jumping into a relationship - it's two people doing activities together and getting to know each other in a context where they are trying to see if the spark or potential spark they feel could lead to a more serious relationship. During dating, you develop your friendship as well as your romantic connection. I have dated men I was friends with first but we were friends first because either we didn't feel a spark/potential spark and/or we were dating other people at the time so we just got to know each other as friends and one day that all changed.

 

I think it is a mistake -and a negative/cynical view of relationships to take things "slowly" by being "friends first" if that means you don't go on dates and you both have the mindset that dating means early sex or getting intense fast.

 

And, for women who want to get married in the not too distant future (or find a long term partner) being friends first means that the man will be even more open to other options and opportunities to meet women who want to go on dates with him and get to know him as a friend plus explore the spark/potential spark (whether by feeling attracted, holding hands, kissing or more) -- and the "friend" will be the woman he hangs out with on non-date nights, either with his guy friends or when he happens to have a free night, and she will have to be comfortable hearing about all his dates because that's what friends do, right?

 

On the other hand, if you're already friends with a guy where there have been no romantic intentions it's great if you two realize at some point that there is chemistry there that you want to explore by dating.

 

When men wanted "friends first" I most often said no - I had limited time to date on weekends, my free time during the week went to my existing friends and activities first, and most often I found the reasons for wanting that showed an incompatible view of relationships - usually the "I jump into bed too fast/get intense too fast". I was happy to take things slowly as far as sex/sexual contact while dating.

[Batya33]

Good point newsinglegal! Granted that they know each other long enough and has seen both the positive and negative points and still can accept it, why not take it to the next level,ei?

 

The thing with dating someone you barely know is that people tend to hide their negative qualities just to please the other person, not knowing that it'll eventually show sooner or later, but if you're friends first, then you've got nothing to hide. lol.

 

I don't think that's true, because the person who feels the attraction is going to want to put his/her best foot forward. It also means that you're starting off a romantic relationship with the cynical view of "he's being very nice/treating me well but that's probably fake, I'll see his true colors in a few months" rather than "he's putting his best foot forward to get this off the ground and I'm sure over time we'll both discover each other's flaws". I've certainly had platonic friendships where "true colors" didn't show till later because it's not just in dating that people are motivated to make a good impression early on.

[Scott12]

I'm of the opinion that straight men can't be friends with women. And if you're establishing a "friendship" to test the waters before you get into a relationship then it's not really a friendship, is it? It's just a faux-relationship with no risk of failure.

 

Scott

[velvette]

^however straight women can be friends with men--at least they think they are, until the guy suddenly proclaims love and all. perhaps it's a faux-relationship for the men, but not always for the women. it's just a friendship (and there IS risk of failure in friendships; such as when the guy asks for 'more')!