Lies about Living Arrangements? Help!

[adiaa]

I'm dating a guy. He's great for the most part and everything seems to be going well. He's 27 years old, by the way. We live a few hours away from one another and therefore only see each other on weekends. It's only been a few months and last week I went to stay at his house for the first time.

 

Here's the thing: up until this point, though he hasn't mentioned it, I've had reason to believe he lives with his parents. I'm sure he hasn't said anything because he's embarassed by that and wants to continue to impress me. He went away to college and has in fact lived away from home, but his parents live where he works and I'm sure he lives there to save money. It really doesn't bother me that much, even though, like I said, I'm not even sure he really does, but I'm fairly sure.

 

The problem: he invited me last week to come to come visit him in his town, which I did. When it got late, he took me back to "his house." For several reasons, I'm 99 percent sure this was a lie. I'm pretty sure it wasn't his house, but a friend's. Essentially, it seems to me like he "borrowed" a friend's house to pass off on his own so that we didn't need to go back to where he really lives (with his parents). I didn't say anything because I was kind of trying to figure out if it was really happening.

 

This is completely psychotic of him, right? But how do I broach this subject to make sure I'm right? I don't know how to say "Are you lying about where you actually live?" How in the world do I find out the truth -- because, of course, if in the 1% chance I'm wrong about this -- it will be kind of horrible. But, like I said, I'm 99% that he: 1) actually lives with his parents 2) brought me to a friend's house and passed it off as his and 3) therefore lied to me about a very strange thing. It all feels very very creepy to me. Number one would NOT have been a problem if he'd been honest and didn't pull this nonsense.

 

What would you do??

[cazmoore]

what makes you really think he lives with his parents still and that house was borrowed?

[adiaa]

Many reasons that I don't want to share on the public boards for privacy's sake. But I'm 99.9 percent sure that this is the case. Assuming it is, what would you do?

[Sunny1607307996]

I would start by slipping into conversation that you don't think it's weird that someone his age would live with their parents, or that you think it's a smart idea to save money by living with parents. Maybe even mention you'd do it yourself if your parents lived close to where you worked.

 

If you let him know it's ok that he does, maybe he'll open up to you. At the very least you can gauge his reaction.

 

Or you can always just call him out on it, in the gentlest way possible.

[jengh]

Are you sure he's trying to hide the fact that he lives with his parents and not a girlfriend? That's what I'd be more worried about.

[HeartGoesOn]

^ ^ ^

 

I agree with Jen. After only a few months of dating, and only seeing him on weekends, you don't really know him well enough to know for sure. He could very well be telling the truth, but I would keep my eyes open.

[annie24]

yeah, i also wonder if he has a gf. it is possible he is lying about that.

 

i know you said you don't want to tell us for privacy reasons, but in general, were things out of place? like he didn't know where things were, or he didn't know who are the people in the photos?

 

oooh! here's a way you can find out if that was really his place. tell him you liked something about "his apartment" that he doesn't have. like tell him you really liked that painting of a tiger in his living room (assuming he doesn't have a painting of a tiger in the living room). if he says 'thanks' then you know that was not his place. if he looks at you like you are crazy, then you know that was his place. i think it's important to say this in person, so you can see his reaction. (PS - say 'the small painting of the tiger in the corner. not like some big giant poster that he would totally have noticed if this was his buddy's house. i would notice something big like that at a friend's house, but wouldn't remember some small details)

 

i agree with the others - you can just casually mention "a friend" of yours is late 20s and lives with her parents but you think that is fine. see if the truth comes out that way.

 

you can also suggest a spontaneous wednesday night date and see what he says...

[adiaa]

These are awesome suggestions so far, thanks so much, all.

 

I'd love more suggestions for finding out -- but I'm also wondering -- what would you all do if you found out he had done that to you? I mean, isn't that crazy, trying to "trick" me like that?? Wouldn't you be a little creeped out. I feel like I'm going to find out I was right, and I really like him...but that just feels really weird! Especially for an adult!

[annie24]

yeah, i would totally be creeped out and would also consider it a deal-breaker.

 

if you want to, you can drop by "his place" with a batch of muffins or cookies as a surprise. see if it's him who answers or someone else.

 

it's possible he does have a gf who works weekends. i know a member on here who dated a man for the summer, he took her to his home, told her that he was single. well, one day, his wife came home early to surprise him. turns out that the wife was away for a few months on work.

[CaptainNapalm]

yeah, i would totally be creeped out and would also consider it a deal-breaker.

 

if you want to, you can drop by "his place" with a batch of muffins or cookies as a surprise. see if it's him who answers or someone else.

 

it's possible he does have a gf who works weekends. i know a member on here who dated a man for the summer, he took her to his home, told her that he was single. well, one day, his wife came home early to surprise him. turns out that the wife was away for a few months on work.

 

That's what I was going to suggest. Drop by his house with a good movie and some popcorn and say you wanted to surprise him with a movie night. See if he opens the door.

[tf987]

These are awesome suggestions so far, thanks so much, all.

 

I'd love more suggestions for finding out -- but I'm also wondering -- what would you all do if you found out he had done that to you? I mean, isn't that crazy, trying to "trick" me like that?? Wouldn't you be a little creeped out. I feel like I'm going to find out I was right, and I really like him...but that just feels really weird! Especially for an adult!

 

How well do you think you know him? Maybe there is something about his home life that he isn't ready to share with you? I agree that it would be somewhat odd for somebody to do this, but I don't know that I'd consider it a deal breaker until knowing the full story.

 

Your story reminds me a bit of the film Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon hides the fact that he is an orphan from Minnie Driver because he is ashamed of it, and he makes up stories about brothers that he never really had, and he hides from her that he lives by himself in a 1 room shanty...

 

If the guy seems good in every way but this -- I'd try to find our the real story before passing judgement.

 

Just my two cents.

[IntotheWild]

Most people I know have letters and bills laying around. You should definitely be able to find at least one piece of mail with his name on it there.

[sidehop]

I wouldn't get too worked up over it, I'm sure if he was trying to hide it from you then just ask why he lied about it and that it really doesn't bother you.

 

At least in the US it seems pretty standard to be living by yourself after certain age or after college. There's this mentality that something is wrong with you if you're still living with your parents whereas other cultures it's accepted as a norm. Maybe he fears of humiliating himself?

[Sunny1607307996]

I'm not so sure I agree with snooping through his mail or dropping by for a movie night (the OP does mention they are long distance after all, this may not be so welcome if it is his place but he'll feel obligated to do it because she drove all that way even if he has plans...). I mean, those are pretty harmless, but it sort of leads down a slippery slope of having to "check up on him" because you suspect he's not telling the truth.

 

If I were you I would just call him out on it, or if your comfortable try one of the harmless suggestions. But if it turns out he did lie to you, and you're 99% sure that he did, why continue on with the relationship? I guess it depends on why he lied but I agree, I would be sort of creeped out.

[adiaa]

I really don't know what to do. I know he's lying about this. I really like him otherwise but this whole thing creeps me out and makes me sick to my stomach. I want him to admit it but I don't know how to get him to do that.

[annie24]

you can just directly confront him with your evidence (ie, what it is specifically you saw that set up your warning bells) and see what he says. you know, tell him nicely that xxxx made you think that that was not his place, and that you are sure there is a good reason for it and you are curious as to what is up.