Am I out of line?

[Anotherday]

I've had this guy friend for 10 years now. He's married and we've just been strictly platonic friends. I know his wife, she's stayed at my house yet still I guess she feels threatened by our friendship.

 

Anyway, it's hard for him and I to find time to talk. Today we were talking on the phone (we live in different states) and a Jehovah's witness stopped by his house so he dumped the phone call. This made me livid - having a Jehovah's witness be more important than our phone call. At any rate, when the JW showed up at the door I said ok. Then I called my friend back and he says "the guy is still here." I am sorry. I have a real problem with people showing up on people's doorsteps to "save them" in the first place, but to be dumped for one of them? I feel like I am a freaking doormat for people and it's about time someone value ME.

 

Am I out of line?

[annie24]

do you think that maybe he just wanted to get off the phone?

[Anotherday]

do you think that maybe he just wanted to get off the phone?

 

No, because he called me and we'd had this call "scheduled" if you will for a couple of days.

 

He's done some other things that have really ticked me off. He basically ruined my reputation in my neighborhood, for example, but that's a whole other story.

 

I just feel that I am tired of being the lowest on the list of everyone's priorities and, honest to God, to be tossed aside for a Jehovah's witness (my friend is not religious but I know he likes this particular JW and considers him to be a friend of sorts). Still, IMO, he should have told the JW to come back AFTER we were done talking.

[annie24]

ruined your reputation?? that seems like a bigger reason for being mad at him!

[sigmond freud]

I dont think it was a JW...I think the wife came home..

[Anotherday]

ruined your reputation?? that seems like a bigger reason for being mad at him!

 

Oh, and I was!!! However, there is nothing I can do about it now. That was last year and our friendship almost ended over that. He now knows he screwed up. My neighbors now know all of my personal business. However, I live in a neighborhood where everyone leaves everyone alone. Let's just say no one is going to be asking me to babysit!

[Anotherday]

I dont think it was a JW...I think the wife came home..

 

Nope, it really was the JW. Had it been his wife, he would have said so.

[ponyboy]

Seems like your just unhappy in general. Your mood/happiness shouldnt be so dependant on this man and a phone conversation. If you want people to "value" you more than make yourself more valuable.

 

But yes to answer your question i do think you are out of line in this situation. Regardless if it was a JW or his wife either way he had a valid reason to get off the phone. You even said you think his wife feels threatened by your friendship with her husband so if he did get off the phone with you for her then kudos to him. And if the JW is really his friend, he's at the door, and your on the phone. Door > Phone.

[Anotherday]

Seems like your just unhappy in general. Your mood/happiness shouldnt be so dependant on this man and a phone conversation. If you want people to "value" you more than make yourself more valuable.

 

But yes to answer your question i do think you are out of line in this situation. Regardless if it was a JW or his wife either way he had a valid reason to get off the phone. You even said you think his wife feels threatened by your friendship with her husband so if he did get off the phone with you for her then kudos to him. And if the JW is really his friend, he's at the door, and your on the phone. Door > Phone.

 

Very astute. I am unhappy in general.

 

However! door is only greater than phone provided person at the door has put you up in their house (as I have on several occasions. I have cooked for this man and let him sleep in my bed while I've slept on the sofa) and, also, my friend has called me at 2 a.m. and then isn't available to answer a return call 30 seconds later, which caused a problem quite recently.

[catfeeder]

It sounds as though you might be too invested in this guy. That's not an accusation, just a suggestion that he may not be deep-and-meaningful material for you. Why work so hard at a friendship with someone who's already caused you harm, has other priorities and doesn't take your scheduled time as seriously as you do?

 

You can't cultivate loyalty with anger. I wouldn't rage at him for his lack of focus, and I wouldn't burn any bridges or create an enemy. I'd just back off and let it be his job to step up to the plate to salvage the friendship if he ever so desires.

[Sanesoul]

Frankly, you can feel any emotion you want, but I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who gets like you are acting.

 

The dude is married to another woman and you are acting like you should be top priority in his life. I think you have feelings for him, and that is dangerous territory.

 

Do yourself a favor and leave this guy alone. He doesn't need drama in his life from a woman who he isn't in a relationship with, and I can see this headed in that direction.

 

Stop the problem before it becomes a problem.

[Anotherday]

Frankly, you can feel any emotion you want, but I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who gets like you are acting.

 

The dude is married to another woman and you are acting like you should be top priority in his life. I think you have feelings for him, and that is dangerous territory.

 

Do yourself a favor and leave this guy alone. He doesn't need drama in his life from a woman who he isn't in a relationship with, and I can see this headed in that direction.

 

Stop the problem before it becomes a problem.

 

Yes, and I am not happy over my reactions either, but they were what they were. And, yes, he is a top priority in my life (sort of like the father I never had) and since he is constantly telling me how much he loves me, I would think he would not dump a phone call with me for some JW.

 

The only feelings I have for him are those of someone who never really had a father or anyone to provide her with any direction. My friend has met some of those needs.

 

However, since I now see that what he says and what he does are two different things (and I know where I am in the pecking order - not as important as he JW friend), I am going to just leave him alone. I did tell him I thought he was rude and that he could have told the JW to come back, but he didn't and that is that.

[geekgirl4]

I don't think you should be that annoyed. It takes more effort to have a friend come back to talk later than a phone call back, so I agree with the others that door > phone. Of course, if it was a serious conversation, then his priority should be you. It seems you are trying to be top priority in his life and it feels like its bordering beyond normal friendship. If you're a friend, then if the other friend happens to be tied up in something, you'd be flexible and understanding and just ask him to call you back when he's done. It seems you are taking things very very seriously with this guy because of your strict rules of expected behavior. Even if you say he is a father figure, it feels like the expectations you hold for him is more of a SO.

[Anotherday]

I don't think you should be that annoyed. It takes more effort to have a friend come back to talk later than a phone call back, so I agree with the others that door > phone. Of course, if it was a serious conversation, then his priority should be you. It seems you are trying to be top priority in his life and it feels like its bordering beyond normal friendship. If you're a friend, then if the other friend happens to be tied up in something, you'd be flexible and understanding and just ask him to call you back when he's done. It seems you are taking things very very seriously with this guy because of your strict rules of expected behavior. Even if you say he is a father figure, it feels like the expectations you hold for him is more of a SO.

 

maybe you're right, and MAYBE he should stop telling me I am the love of his life when he is a married man!

[geekgirl4]

Ah, you didn't mention that. That is not something he should be saying to a friend... I think both of you need time apart from each other. He's taking advantage of you and you are getting way too close and expecting too much. This isn't healthy so get out before you end up feeling worse.