Sex has lost it's luster

[tacotac]

I didn't think I'd get to this point, but I'm just not that excited about sex anymore. Being with my bf for 2 years, we would do it a lot, and then he moved back home far away, and we'd do it once in awhile. He has moved down here, and we would still go at it a lot. I like sex a lot, don't get me wrong. I have told him all the time I don't think I'll ever get tired of sex, and you can have at me whenever you want. I feel bad because of late, that has kinda changed. We do it every week, and we do different positions, usually a couple different ones we like the most. Just of late, it seems kind of blah. I just don't get horny anymore. Especially not like in the beginning. It's like there is no feeling. I feel bad because he wants to go at it, and I am fine with it, but I am a bit dry down there and he has to work at it because I just can't get aroused. The last couple times, I am just kinda in a chillaxing mood and felt like taking a nap while he is pounding me. We've done it in different places before, bathrooms, movie theaters, etc. It doesn't seem to make it any more exciting for me. What can I do about this?

[digger11]

could be a hormonal change? depression?

 

try watching porn together, massage oils, try new positions. are you orgasming? sometimes if you have sex even though you're not 'in the mood' it eventually helps.... but don't do it if youre really dreading it. your bf hasn't picked up on this?

[Sparkly Eyes]

Has anything else in your relationship changed? Do you love him still as much as you did before?

[tacotac]

Hmm, well I'm not dreading it. Not yet anyways... >.> No I don't always orgasm. To me sometimes it takes a lot of work. And I seem to do better, and have orgasms when I play with myself to be honest. Like I said, I like sex because it feels good, if not great, so it doesn't always matter to me if I get off or not. But for some reason as of late it doesn't feel as intense as usual. Maybe some KY stuff might help, but that stuff is expensive!!! Porn is something that turned me on in my high school years, but nowadays, even watching that or looking at pictures does nothing for me. Not like it used to.

 

Sometimes thoughts of certain things or fantasies did it for me, like other men, but of course when I started dating my bf, I didn't even have thoughts of other men in the picture. I used to get a bit turned on fantasizing of my bf doing someone else, not sure why that worked, but once again, that doesn't trip my trigger anymore either.

 

I still love him a lot, even tho he pisses me off sometimes, lol!! He invited me over to cook me dinner the other night, which was very sweet, and has done other kind things as well. We plan to get married someday.

 

Yeah I guess I feel a bit stressed and depressed in general about life lately, but I didn't seem to think that affected the sex precious to that when I felt that way.

 

Maybe it's because some things I really like, he doesn't do? I love to be cuddles, and not just curled up on the bed with each other. More like if we are watching tv, and he takes me to him to lay on his shoulder or hold me, etc. I think he has only does this maybe a couple times in our relationship. He seems to like physical touch, but he is short and sweet with it, never giving back rubs, or anything too complicated, just a pat on the leg, or a short hug, or kissing my hand. That's usually the jist of it.

 

We never really have oral sex that much. He's not into getting it that much. I don't mind giving it to him, but I feel crappy at it, because after awhile it becomes messy and sloppy and I can't do much because my jaw literally just freezes up. I love getting oral, but he has only done that to me maybe twice in our relationship because he says the stuff females have can upset his stomach, so I don't get to have that benefit too often. Once in awhile he'll touch me down there, but it is usually uncomfortable as he does it too hard or touches the wrong area, I am quiet sensitive down there. I'd like him to touch me down there if he just did it right....

[Dako]

Have you ever been with a guy who takes his time and does what you like?

It sounds like he's pleasing himself, leaving you unsatisfied.

[digger11]

sounds like you just need a bit more communication

 

maybe he doesn't like cuddling, but if you do and the relationship is so long term (and marriage in future) then he needs to provide that for you. people have to compromise!

 

Also, sorry about the oral sex. did it make his stomach upset with you? all girls have different pH levels, secretions, etc. If it does, consider getting a tiny finger vibrator to stimulate your clit during foreplay.

 

don't be afraid to rub yourself the way you like during sex! or direct him. if you really are getting married you and want a good sex like you will have to talk about it. maybe have him watch you play with yourself then have him try. or maybe just try mutual masturbation?

 

depression can really affect sex drive? are you exercising? that helps depression and sex!

[AutumnBorn]

Digger (that was my dad's nickname - he was a mortician) has a point. I'm going to suggest you go to a naturopathic physician to have your hormones checked. Testosterone deficiency is the key reason for dryness and low libido in women. Having testosterone added to my hormone replacement therapy has improved things a great deal. I'm enjoying myself a great deal.

 

Think you're too young for a hormonal imbalance? I was your age when my Chinese gynecologist said (please read in a Chinese accent): Suzon, menopause is process, not event. Change begin in twenty, accelerate in thirty, then forty all gone, need replace.

[sidehop]

Maybe it's because some things I really like, he doesn't do? I love to be cuddles, and not just curled up on the bed with each other. More like if we are watching tv, and he takes me to him to lay on his shoulder or hold me, etc. I think he has only does this maybe a couple times in our relationship. He seems to like physical touch, but he is short and sweet with it, never giving back rubs, or anything too complicated, just a pat on the leg, or a short hug, or kissing my hand. That's usually the jist of it.

 

It could also possibly be an intimacy issue along with the stress and combination of things.

 

How often do you two talk and share some 'time alone' away from everything? Communicating the fact and understanding each other's need will not only strengthen the relationship but allow intimacy to grow.

 

You mention about cuddling and physical affection he hasn't shown often. Do you think there's something that he feels is lacking as well?

 

Small or big, try to appreciate each other with thank you's and making compliments. Does he look nice, if there's a particular thing you love about him today, and gestures to show that you love him. Remember the time you two first met. Reflect on those times and talk about why you two fell for each other.

 

The more positive and loving atmosphere you two can create, the closer you two will be again.

[tacotac]

Yeah I should exercise more. I'm hoping to now (or I should say, once) the weather gets nice. He does seem to do the same things all the time. Maybe he thinks I get turned on by him always just groping my boobs, or making innuendo comments all the time. To be honest, I find it more annoying than anything. It has even made me watch what I say, and how I say things, just so he can't get something dirty to say from it He does it alllll the time. It really gets kinda old and cheesy. But guys are just perverts anyways, lol!

 

His way to get me "in the mood" seems to just touch my boobs and take off me clothes, maybe touch me down there, and then go at it.

 

Yeah I know communication has a lot to do with it, I know a lot is my fault because I am shy at saying things, demanding of people, or take control. it is difficult for me. I'm afraid if I tell him to do this or that, or not this or that, I'll end up scaring him away, or he won't want to try at all.

 

Sometimes after we do it, I do masturbate and get off. He watches sometimes, or takes a nap next to me. I get a bit weirded out and a bit harder to get off because of that same feeling you get when you are in a public restroom and you can't pee if you know someone is in the stall next to you, and probably listening. Yeah, that kind of feeling while I am playing with myself and he is laying there next to me.

 

I'm not sure if it is with me that his stomach gets upset. When I asked about it in the beginning when I found he is not that into it, he told me that it upsets his stomach from when he has done it before with other girls. Not sure if it does it with me.

[sidehop]

Yeah I should exercise more. I'm hoping to now (or I should say, once) the weather gets nice. He does seem to do the same things all the time. Maybe he thinks I get turned on by him always just groping my boobs, or making innuendo comments all the time. To be honest, I find it more annoying than anything. It has even made me watch what I say, and how I say things, just so he can't get something dirty to say from it He does it alllll the time. It really gets kinda old and cheesy. But guys are just perverts anyways, lol!

 

Yes we are...

 

And sometimes such actions are turn-on but I'm sure bringing back the intimacy as well as the communication will probably help him understand what your needs are.

 

Obviously if he's ready to jump into action any time than he probably should re-think his approach. Perhaps there are things he can do that turns you on in a more intimate way.

 

In that sense that's where guys and girls differ a lot in general.

[Alexander DeLarge]

He does seem to do the same things all the time. Maybe he thinks I get turned on by him always just groping my boobs, or making innuendo comments all the time. To be honest, I find it more annoying than anything. It has even made me watch what I say, and how I say things, just so he can't get something dirty to say from it He does it alllll the time. It really gets kinda old and cheesy. But guys are just perverts anyways, lol!

 

I think your situation sounds very very similar to mine and my girlfriends. I can't help but feel for this guy though, because when you say that "maybe he thinks I get turned on by it", I want to say, YES! he does think you get turned on. So if you don't tell him, he'll do it until the cows come home. Each girl is different so we just play it by ear. If something turned you on once, we're going to try to do it again, because that's how you get good at something, repeat your success. I think people need to just talk about what turns them on because, if your guy is as like me as I think, he doesn't want to get off if you don't, he wants to know what you need.

[tacotac]

I wish I knew if anything was lacking for him. I compliment him a lot, and say the story about how we met and how awesome I thought he was from the beginning when I first met him as a person. I'm sure he gets tired hearing the same story all the time. Just as the things I say good about him. I wish I could get more creative and say something different to him for once. You are wonderful, you are awesome, I love your eyes, the food was great, etc. I'm sure it gets old after awhile repeating them

 

We do spend a lot of time together, well on average between 1-3 times a week, we live a half hour apart. We talk a lot and hang out basically. He is more the talkaholic, I am more of the listener, quiet person. Works for me.

 

Yes, it would be nice if he spent a bit more time "getting me in the mood" As someone had said once; men are microwaves, and women are percolators.

[tacotac]

I think your situation sounds very very similar to mine and my girlfriends. I can't help but feel for this guy though, because when you say that "maybe he thinks I get turned on by it", I want to say, YES! he does think you get turned on. So if you don't tell him, he'll do it until the cows come home. Each girl is different so we just play it by ear. If something turned you on once, we're going to try to do it again, because that's how you get good at something, repeat your success. I think people need to just talk about what turns them on because, if your guy is as like me as I think, he doesn't want to get off if you don't, he wants to know what you need.

 

I do tell him when I like something he is doing, but it doesn't mean he'll do it again sadly. Guys just don't have a clue sometimes

[sidehop]

Tell him honestly how you feel and what would turn you on.

 

So it maybe that in the beginning the sex was frequent, maybe as the relationship grew your needs became different.

[Alexander DeLarge]

I do tell him when I like something he is doing, but it doesn't mean he'll do it again sadly. Guys just don't have a clue sometimes

 

pffttt.... I don't want to get into a gender war here but if you take your clothes off a guy is happy, it's not that easy for us!

[digger11]

Digger (that was my dad's nickname - he was a mortician) has a point. I'm going to suggest you go to a naturopathic physician to have your hormones checked. Testosterone deficiency is the key reason for dryness and low libido in women. Having testosterone added to my hormone replacement therapy has improved things a great deal. I'm enjoying myself a great deal.

 

Think you're too young for a hormonal imbalance? I was your age when my Chinese gynecologist said (please read in a Chinese accent): Suzon, menopause is process, not event. Change begin in twenty, accelerate in thirty, then forty all gone, need replace.

 

hahahaha AMAZING!

[digger11]

argh I know what you mean! I have had so many guys that initiate sex by just groping me... grabbing my ass.... ummm hi? is that supposed to rev my engine? gah.

 

anyway, i feel you on the masturbation thing. it can be weird, so maybe you should try mutually doing it? watching eachother? I'm not saying he doesn't CARE about your sexual satisfaction, but he doesn't seem very aware of what you like. his fault for not asking, and yours for not saying... but it's fixable!! Just do some open communication. mutually masturbate (so he isn't just staring at you.... and he shouldn't be taking naps!! he should be engaging in nipple play or something while you masturbate to help please you!) try some new things out that you would like, be vocal, ask him to perform oral on you! if you both have satisfying sex, the relationship will be stronger on other levels.

[Siriana]

o.k. i hate to bring this but he sucks in bed. And you not getting turn on has nothing to do with you.

[tacotac]

A lot of time we spend hanging out doing something, out and about, or he is at home playing video games, or on the computer, we don't spend much time cuddling or what not. Sex sometimes seems like it has to be a quick to moderately quick thing.

[arcadefire]

You should communicate to him that you would like some foreplay before going at it. Have him massage you, cuddle, nuzzle your neck, kiss you all over, caress your skin. Anything that will want you to just pin him to the bed and have your way with him.

[tacotac]

Yeah I spoke to him the other night when I was over there. He just comes into bed doing the usual. I wasn't really in the mood, not that I don't want sex, but I wasn't getting aroused or anything. He mentioned his line of wanting to do stuff, and I said yeah it is easier for me to get in the mood if maybe you would rub my back or spend more time with foreplay, etc. instead of just groping my boobs all the time, because I don't just get all hot and excited in 5 minutes or less just by the thought of it like he does. He then said yeah, that's the reason sex dies in a marriage because it takes so much work to get a woman excited. Like they say, why put in the effort to get a woman in the mood to do you when it only takes 5 minutes to jack off? That was kind of upsetting. I'm like, wow all you care about is getting yourself excited and you don't care about the other person you're involved with. That won't get anywhere. We did things that evening, but I was dry as a bone, and then instead of me getting off he turned me over, did his thing, got off then cleaned up, and went over to the computer to chill and check his video game for a few minutes before he came back over to me so that I could do my thing

[Siriana]

oh dear lord.

he's just a bf and you have no kids.

leave him if you don't want to have bad sex, because apparently he doesn't wanna put any effort in.

[sidehop]

He then said yeah, that's the reason sex dies in a marriage because it takes so much work to get a woman excited.

 

I guess he's really misunderstanding the anatomy of a man vs. woman and the different needs each person has.

[Taikero]

If he just wants to jack off, why is he badgering you for sex?

 

The reason sex dies is because you start taking the other person for granted and you don't care about what turns them on. When you give freely in a relationship, you receive so much more in return.

[Lady Rashomon]

This is sad. It sounds like he has no concept of reciprocity or sex as a vehicle for intimacy and exploration.