Not really getting anywhere here...

[newyguy39]

Hey all,

Its been at least a couple of years since Ive been on here! I even forgot my username (whoops lol). And yet here I am once again, looking for a bit of advice.

 

Since I was last on here, another girl has been and gone. We were going out for a year and a bit.

 

So the story is that im from a relatively small town, and after I met this girl and started going out with her, it was about a year until I needed to move away to the city (about 500kms away) to start university. Things were pretty good over the year, we had some fairly grand plans, she was going to move with me about 6 months after I moved there, and see where things went from there.

 

It got to about 3 months before I needed to move, and she basically freaked out, telling me that she couldnt do it and move away. We sorted it out and continued on for another 2 months, then she freaked out again and did the same. I took a stand to it and basically said she needs to be sure of what she wants before we can go any furthur. So we kept seeing each other and worked on things, she was getting on well with sorting herself out. Then I moved to start uni, back in February. I had every intention of getting back with her after she had herself sorted out. And so did she...

 

Then about 2 weeks in, she apparently 'woke up' one day and felt nothing for me, and she seemed fine with it. So that hurt a fair bit, but we continued talking. Which was a bad move. She started partying a lot, going out and getting trashed every weekend and posting about it on facebook like it was some kind of acheivement (When I was with her she wouldnt drink at all!), and putting up some fairly revealing pictures on there. That really hurt. I decided to delete her and got her to set all of her stuff to private.

 

Since then, we have talked on and off, we met up once for lunch when i was back at home for a week, and I ended up finding she was taking things as badly as I was, which was nice to know. I was still hurting a lot, but knowing that helped. She wasnt over the past either.

 

So fast forward to now, Ive had weeks where I feel ok with things, and weeks where it all comes flooding back, and I just want her to come back. And this is one of those weeks. Its awful, I cant get her out of my head, recurring dreams, and swinging between being sad and angry that it didnt work out.

 

Every time I think im getting somewhere and get that bit furthur to letting it go, it all floods back.

 

To add to the story, a few weeks ago when we were talking, i was encouraging her to talk to me more, and to not block me out... But saying that seems to have had the opposite effect, I havent talked to her for 3 weeks or so.

 

But I find myself loathing being single. But I kno I have to wait for the right person to come along. Am I better off to forget the new relationship thing completely for now, or keep looking for someone to be with and keep feeling like im not getting anywhere? Either way it seems crap.

 

The worst thing is that Ill be going back home in a few weeks over the month-and-a-half uni break. And theres a good chance Ill be working at the shop about 2 doors up from where she works. Urgh

 

She is a good person and she has tried to help me, but has managed to mess it up every time (eg something she thinks will help, is the exact thing that makes me feel worse). And the fact that she was such a good person makes me even more frustrated, because I know that I cant be with her again. Shes very mature, yet really immature... I doubt she'll ever leave that town, mainly because her family is so tight-knit. She has a small-country-town mentality, which is mainly due to her family. I was always hopeful she'd break away from that, but she chickened out once she got out of her comfort zone. She has a lot of growing up to do. Although, at 18 (and im 21) nobody is ever mature, hey...

 

Im not sure what I should do. Getting back together isnt really an option, due to her seeming like she'll never move away from that town. We're going our separate ways as time goes on. Im not sure if I should just let it go and hope I meet someone like her in the future, or keep the hope that itll some day work out, and she'll realise what shes missing out on.

 

I still like her a lot, but every time I try to get that little bit closer to her, she moves even furthur away. If i try to talk to her to see how shes going, she just gives very vauge answers to any of my questions.

 

 

Any opinons? Im not really sure what im even asking here, but just being about to type it up makes me feel better for now. Thanks for listening everyone

[Sonicxman]

I understand what you are going through. I can understand your frustration, but know that these feelings will fade as time goes on. The only way you can move forward is if you continue to be positive and leave the past behind you. I married a girl like this, her family was everything and she never wanted to move to far away. Which she knew at the time I married her that I had a job where I have to move very often and she never wanted to move. When time came for me to move, she would start crying. So I kept up a residence for her, where I would have travel to go see when I got time off. The relationship didn't work out and I loved her more than anything. I found the hard way that I had to move on. By what you wrote you already know this. I hope my story has helped you. Good luck my friend.

[AutumnBorn]

NewGuy, my first thought on reading your post was your girl is small town. She's afraid of the outside world. It seems she prefers to feel safe in a place she's extremely familiar with, even if it means losing you. Her fear is stronger than her love.

 

If I'm right in my impression, I hope she comes around, realizes that life is for the living, there's nothing to fear but a lack of change. Remaining stagnant means not living fully.

 

Forget the relationship thing and concentrate on your education. Let her contact you if and when she's ready. Perhaps she's seeing someone else and you should be prepared for the possibility, but I promise you, in the end you will be much better off. You'll end up with someone who will never, ever let you go so easily or let fear come between the two of you. You deserve a woman like that.

[newyguy39]

Thanks for the advice everyone... I really appreciate it. I guess I always knew that, but I didnt like it...

 

I seem to remember feeling very much like this with the last girl i was with for 2 years, but I cant for the life of me remember what I did to let go of it. I remember thinking ' I never want to be in this spot again' but yet, here I am.

 

Probably the hardest part at the moment is conciously trying not to think about her, realising when I am starting to think about her and start thinking about something else asap. Its damn hard ill admit, especially when your trying to study, it throws your train of thought off instantly.

 

Plus that sick feeling when a good memory gets into your head and you relise all that is gone... Urgh, its the worst.

 

But, if it all worked out like what was planned, she would have hated it and most likely moved back, which would have been far worse. So I try to think about that when i start to miss her.

 

Im trying to move on, but without someone else to move on to, it seems like ill never forget her.

 

Logic is no match against what one feels i think...

 

One other thing im finding interesting, is that I need new things to tell myself every so often. Kind of like a song, it makes you feel better initially, but you tell yourself something so much that it looses its effect, and all the past feelings start creeping back. We are weird creatures lol

 

How long should it take for me to get over her? Every time i feel that im closer to getting over it, it all comes back, but not as badly as the time before. Is there anything else I can do to help me let go of it?

 

Lets hope the next one is a keeper, Im sick of going through this