We've had our first major fight...

[Rosesong18]

This is a long post so I will apologize now. Yesterday, I went out to lunch with my boyfriend of a year and a half. We've never really had any big fights, only a couple little bickerings every once in a while. We went to lunch, hoping to just spend some time together. I'd been in Chicago for a week with my band and I'd missed him, was looking for some time to visit with him.

The entire time we were at the restaurant, he complained. He talked about how everything he has is breaking. His car needs repairs, his laptop has stopped working, as well as his phone. He also talked about how things in the house are breaking down, the AC isn't functioning, the septic tank backs up and floods the backyard. He complained how his parent's refuse to fix anything in the house (He is in college and living with his parents, the community college does not have dorms and he does not have money to pay for an apartment). He talked about how he did not have money to make any of these repairs and that his parents won't help him. He also is paying for his own college (when he decided to stay at the community college because of his ex, he lost all scholarships to his other school and changed his mind too late to apply for scholarships at the community college). He spends his money on unnecessary objects, such as a $400 automatic airsoft rifle that he rarely uses and two guitars he bought on a whim, and other such things. He also complained about his job and his boss.

During the course of the meal he only asked me two question, both of which picked at me. He asked me how my trip was saying in a very sarcastic tone that he was glad I enjoyed myself. He also asked me how often am i going to be at home this summer, seeing that I'm "always off doing things and never get to see you" This was all just during our meal.

when I arrived home, I was in tears. All I wanted to do was visit with him because I'd missed him while I was gone and all he could do was complain and say negative things. When he talked to me later on, things escalated an he said things, trying to turn the conversation on him hurting not me being upset with things such as "I shouldn't complain about things, I always make everyone feel bad" "I'm sick and hurting over how i made you feel" and begging me to not leave (which I had never intended)

He then proceeded to say that I am his only friend and that he has noone to talk to. We all know how unhealthy that is. When I go off for school, I will not be here for him to hang out with and i told him he needed other friends than me or he will end up reclusive, which made him blow up about his manic depressive father who in anti-social saying "I will never be like him, my world will not end when you go off"

I really am not sure what to do now. I've tried to show him the point of the things I said, such as he shoudln't spend his money on unnecessary things and how he needs to make friends, but he just said "I'll jsut not talk about certain things any more" Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

[DN]

Well, I can see how it is difficult to be supportive when a partner is being so negative but maybe he just needed to vent about the multiplicity of bad things that are happening in his life and needed some support. The problem is that now he feels he can't do that any more and when you ask him to share his feelings or open up - he won't.

 

Is he being totally off-base about the amount of time you spend with him?

[Rosesong18]

Its not just that day, he's been increasingly more negative the past few weeks. I'm always there to listen and i do listen to him, though i know that there is nothing I can do to help. But everytime I've seen him or called him (we communicate mostly through txt becuase he has a very limited number of talking minutes) he has complained about things. Whenever I try to do or say something to cheer him up, he doesn't even acknowledge it. We see each other once or twice a week. We're both full time students and he works about 30 hours a weeks as well, getting one or two days off. I do travel a lot during the summer, and last year I was gone wuite oftne, but this year I was planning on staying home most of the time.

[Convict7]

He can't always be happy when you are happy. It sounds like he is going through a rough patch and wanted some sympathy, and you tried to offer advice. I do this too. I try to solve problems instead of holding the person and saying "There, there, it will be ok."

 

I know it's not fun to hear about how someone you care for is having trouble, but next time try to just be there for him instead of trying to fix his problems for him. I know it sounds odd, but he may have just wanted to vent.

 

Good luck.

[DawnT]

From what you have said, it seems almost that the physical separation that you experience in your relationship has caused somewhat of an emotional separation of you from him and a resentment of you on his part. He might just feel that you aren't invested in the relationship as much as he is. I think what might be a good idea is to talk to him about where you see your relationship going. Maybe you two would be better off just being friends if it is difficult to make a time commitment to eachother. It does seem that you care for him a great deal, but you also don't live the same lives. It might be time to move on. It also seems like he might be going through a lot of issues that he might need to talk to a therapist about. Please let me know if there is anything else I'm not understanding about your relationship and if I misinterpreted anything. I hope this helps a little

[Cant_Sleep]

sounds rather hard going on your behalf! , and sounds like he is going through a rough patch and just needs someone to listen to him , know that your there , even if some of his hits hurt

 

i have had a few minor problems like this , some of the words he has said to me .. have crippled me !! , and really hurt =/ .. but you have to pick yourself up , he is getting fed up with everything - and im sure you have days like these ! everyone does , but it sounds like he lets them build up and just wants you to grab hold of him and say .. hey things are okay , maybe sticking around and going out on a night out , getting some ' mutatual ' friends , it sounds like he s VERY confiedent when you are around .. but with other people .. he kinda .. doesn;t have enough confindence!! . so take him out .. have a chat with other couples , or have a chat with random people make him feel more comfortable at college .. it will work wonders for him , and it will help getting others into your relationship!! , - it's good to have some time with other people wonders wonders!

[Rosesong18]

Things aregetting better. When e gets like that nothing I say or do will help him. When I tell him it will be okay and hold him and comfort him, he just brushes me off and sighs, sometime even saying I don't understand. I love him very much and we have talked about where our relationship is hopefully going. We had a good tall a couple o days after he fight about what it was that was happening. Brings are starting to get better bit by bit.