Little problem growing bigger. Need advice.

[Skrat281]

Hey everyone. First post here...I hate to come to the internet for advice, but Im tired of the one-sided views from my friends.

 

....Just a quick background. I'm a 24 year old Chicago firefighter. I have a great job, make good money, I've never been in trouble, and I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent, caring guy. My fiance and I have been together now for 4 years, and I recently moved out of my moms house 2 months ago into my own apartment. We have a GREAT relationship. We get along, we have fun, sex is great, our families like eachother...Everything is great. Theres always a 'BUT' though, isnt there?...

 

Heres our problem...HER MOTHER....I took a big leap moving out of my parents house so that my fiance and I could spend more time together and learn to live with eachother and grow up before we're married and theres no turning back. Her mother is very old fashion, she grew up in Idaho with a strict family and hasnt yet grown to the way life is now...She wont let my fiance move in. (Thats fine. I understand)....But she wont even let her stay the night. I'm a firefighter, I work 86 days a year, we go on trips all the time and spend a week together alone, why is it such a big step to stay at MY place?

....I got this place to learn to live with her before we're married, and to be honest, this problem is starting to effect our relationship. I still feel like I'm in highschool having to drive my girlfriend home every night. We've talked about this and she said she'd talk to her mother, but I see no effort yet....I hate to say it, but I'm almost thinking about calling off the wedding and putting our life on hold till she can stand up to her mom and tell her its not 1950 anymore. I dont want a problem with her family, since when you marry, you marry the family too. I dont want this to be a problem anymore, and I want to work this out but I'm at a stand-still here and lost with what to do. HELP ME!

[Hermes]

Skrat:

 

You don't say what age your fiancée is? If she is over 18 she is entitled to live where she likes. However, she needs to talk to her mother and explain that she wishes to live with you. It sounds like she is frightened of her mother.....

 

I think diplomacy is required-

 

Good luck

H

[Skrat281]

Shes 23. And I agree...I asked her if shes scared of her mother, and all it did was start a fight.

I just dont see what the major issue is. Its not even that I want her to move IN with me. I honestly dont think I want her to before we're married, because its too comlicated then if things dont end up working out. But staying over for the night shouldnt be as big of a deal as its growing to be.

[sff123]

Honestly putting off the wedding probably wont help things given a lot of people with traditional values are more lenient after you're married.

[sff123]

Also people who live with their parents are a lot more frightened by them , especially if they've never lived apart for them , because it's harder to imagine a situation in which they don't have authority over them and their life.

[misssmithviii]

Although I don't see the problem either, perhaps there's a missing piece here. You asked her if she was afraid of her mother and it started a fight... sounds like she got defensive. Perhaps she doesn't want to disappoint her mother - however IMO, when you are serious with someone there has to be some sort of compromise.

 

Simply, it sounds like she shouldn't be cowering to her mother's ideals, after all it is her own life. Living together is an important decision and step IMO, for her to be held back is already affecting the relationship negatively...

 

I don't think it's enough to call off a wedding, that seems like a step backwards instead of progressing forward. Talk to her... tell her how you feel and how it's affecting you. Above all, come to a compromise that will make both of you happy. How hard is it to stay overnight with your husband-to-be when you're a 23 year old woman? Will her mother kick her out if she does? Even so, she has you... so I'm slightly confused as well and that's why I think there's more to it - I think she holds her mother's ideals as well whether she says or not.

 

I'm 19, my man is 21 and we've been living together perfectly fine with both sides of the families' support. I love cooking with his mom, and my dad and man get along great. It is possible to have support ^_^

[misssmithviii]

I hate to say it, but this sounds like more of your fiance's problem then her mother's.

 

This shouldn't really be an issue in my opinion... are you certain your fiance is as serious about this as she says she is? Perhaps she's afraid to leave home, perhaps she thinks that living with you before you're married is a bad idea... but either which way, she needs to tell you what's going on and what she's thinking - that's why I said talk to her.

 

I fear the only opinion I really have towards this is negative towards her for not stepping up and/or not even telling you what's going on in the first place.

[Ebrithil]

I understand you wanting to preserve you relationship with the family but some times you have to knock the hornets nest over and waite for them to settle before you can get the necter.

 

Talk to your partner and both go to her mothers house and in casual conversation bring up what you would like to do, dont ask her permision mearly state that that is what your doing. Then if she wants to cause a fuss over it let her because you two are old enough to look after yourselves and make your own decisions in life. Your partner can stay with you and go home after a day or two but if she wants the free dome from her mother but not to fall out she has to turn and walk out the house when ever she trys to start an argument, that way she will learn she can not controle her and if she starts an argument shes the one losing out no one else.

[geekgirl4]

She should at least try to discuss it. Compromise with her. But honestly, she's 23 years old, she's an adult and she has to start living her own life.

[minou]

This is insane. She needs to stand up to her mother. Your fiance sounds very childish to allow her mother to control her this way at 23 years old.