When they contact you just when youre moving forward...

[guiltyflood]

It's been over 4 months since our BU, and a month ago I pledged to completely move forward from her. I had my closure meeting and said what I needed to say. She sends me an email thanking me that I said what I needed to say, and the general impact that I had on her life. She also said that she sees us tapering forward and losing contact bc that's how it went for her first BU. I responded with a final thank you as well. Since then, no contact.

 

I moved forward. I just went through the 2 best weeks of my life, consisting of extreme physical activity, fun social events, championships, personal soul searching, a meaningful award, and even meeting a new girl and spending the night with her. I have not had this much fun in years, and it was great in assisting me for moving forward.

 

Of course, just when I'm almost there, my ex sends me a message asking about the award I achieved.

 

Is it worth responding to?

 

For those who wonder, the new girl was a 1 night stand, though I will keep in touch with her. I did not think of my ex once during the hookup.

 

But why does she contact me at this point? I just don't want anything to set me back... do I respond? And how do I respond?

[CatsMeeoow]

Ignore Ignore Ignore...

 

You just stated you said all you needed to say at the closure meeting...

 

Good for you for finding life after a breakup! Now keep moving forward unless she proclaims she wants you back and you even feel like thats an option.

 

More than likely your silence has perked her interest and she wants to know that you are still around... just ignore the outreach.

 

Great job!

[Tanzi]

More than likely your silence has perked her interest and she wants to know that you are still around... just ignore the outreach.

 

I totally agree! If you respond it will re-open the communication that you have worked so hard on closing. Remember, you are happier now than you have been for a long time and that is because you closed that communication.

[No1]

Question is, what is it you want? If you feel healed enough and you moved on enough to respond and say a simple "thank you" then thats fine. But if you feel hurt by her, then dont reply. Its quite ovious she still cares for you, and she just wants to congratulate you on your award. If you want to continue your quest for moving forward then dont respond, but I would say its respectful to say "thank you" and dont engage in any further conversation. If she replies to that with a chat, just say you cant chat, you are busy but thank you. And she will get the hint. But again, the choice is yours. What does your heart say?

[guiltyflood]

I just want to be happy. In a perfect world, my ex and I would completely start over and make a conscious effort to get back to where we are. But I'm close to completely moving forward... like 99% close. I think about her once in a while, but not so much. I'm also completely content with where I am, and these last 2 weeks have been the absolute best of my life.

 

The one thing that's holding me back in terms of ignoring her, is that I don't want to come accross as rude, and-- hang with me here-- she doesn't deserve to be ignored. Her breaking up with me caused harsh emotions early on, obviously. But ever since I committed myself to moving forward, I can see that this was the absolute best thing for both of us. I look back at the relationship, and I see the major problems with it. But I'm also appreciative of everything she did for me.

 

In summary, I want to be happy. I'm happy as it is, and probably should ignore her. But I hate brushing people off / being rude, and I don't think she deserves it. Just a small thank you I guess?

[incaangelique]

It is so weird how they seem to know when you are feeling better, and suddenly start contacting you again. It happens all the time, it's so eerie. Do whatever will keep you feeling great. A short "Thank you" or just ignore.

[brokenheart41]

It is so weird how they seem to know when you are feeling better, and suddenly start contacting you again. It happens all the time, it's so eerie.

 

 

Oh yes... it's indeed eerie. The moment you go into NC they contact you out of the blue... like they sense a sudden change in attitude or something. Happened to me too and leaves you behind confused and gives you false hope.

 

Hope everything is okay with you incaangelique.

[No1]

they dont give you false hope, you give yourself false hope. You have to know that its over and accept it and move on. If you can do that, give yourself time to heal. Thats how you move on. Just because they contact you out of the blue when you are "healing" is not out of the blue. Chances are you were always in their head and they feel they have moved on enough to contact you. If you have not moved on then it seems harsh.

I think with this guys situation. He should send a little 'thank you' text or email. Dont invite futher conversation, just a thank you, glad you are doing well. Is all you need to see that A) you are not a jerk and can be human. and B) Says Im here, but I still dont want to engage in a chat with you. Just dont ask any questions when replying.

ONLY if your heart can take it. If your heart cant take it, then you dont reply and wait until the day you do heal. But dont force it if you are not ready.

[benb]

I agree with No1. Certainly full NC is the ideal, but sometimes the very fact that there's a lingering text message or email that you haven't responded to is enough to cause the same nagging feelings and pain that contact does.

 

It depends on your personality and how strong you are. For me, I've never had to go full NC with an ex. It just happens naturally over time and in the meantime I just make sure to keep any exchanges short and civil and never let me talk myself into having "just one more talk."

 

I firmly believe the NC rule is for people who are like alcoholics when it comes to their exes. They can never have "just one chat", it always turns into more and the heartache returns. This happened with me a decade ago with my first love. I kept her on IM for the longest time and it just ate me up inside. These days, I know better. I take them off IM, block them on facebook, and don't call them or online stalk them. If they contact me with something like "hi" or a quick question, then I just say "hi" back or answer the question. If they keep talking to me, I keep giving curt but polite responses. Eventually they get the message and stop.

 

Responses that are curt but polite and indicate you do not wish to have an extended conversion are things like:

 

Them: "Hi!" You: "Hello. Hope all is well and wish you all the best."

 

Them: "I need to pick up something I left with you" You: "OK. Just let me know the time and I'll arrange to have your items waiting"

 

Them: "I really need to talk to someone" You: "I understand. I'm really not the best person at this point, though, I hope you understand. Also, give it time. Everything's going to be OK for you."

 

Them: "Do you still love me" You: "I'll always remember you and cherish the good times. I hope that you feel the same moving forward. Thanks for asking, though!"

 

Them: "My parents called and told me I really screwed up a good thing with you." You: "Perhaps, but remember that's your parents talking. They aren't you. I believe things happen for a reason and you are destined to find the person who REALLY makes you happy. I truly wish you the best of luck, I know it'll happen for you!"

 

I'd call this style of interacting "NFC" (or No Full Contact). Note a few things about the examples:

 

- You NEVER initiate it. The only exception would be if you needed something physical that they still had, such as a signature on legal documents or a valuable personal item. Easily replaceable and inexpensive things like DVDs and Video Games are exempt from this rule. You never really want the item back, you want an excuse to see the other person. Repurchase the item from a store

 

- You NEVER ask questions, and most certainly not open-ended ones.

 

- Your side of the conversation always ends up a step ahead of the conversation as a whole. Don't type something that invites further discussion.

 

- Even if they say something "baiting" or "fishing for compliments", DON'T use it as an excuse to wallow in self-pity and have a "talk" with them about it. Just swallow your pride and suggest that you appreciate the sentiment but don't really share it, then move on

 

As you can see, NFC takes far more self control than full on NC. I wouldn't recommend it unless (a) you are both parting amicably, there are no hard feelings, and you've both pretty much moved on inside or (b) there's still some reason you need to stay in contact: kid situation, you work together, you're still trying to separate all the physical belongings, that kind of thing