hrtbrkn5 Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 Hi friends, This is my first time writing on enotalone and I would appreciate your advice/insight. When I was 16, I was in a relationship with a boy who had many difficult, hurtful things happen in his life. He was neglected as a child and had several people whom he subsequently loved and trusted die or leave before and during the time we dated. Throughout and after our relationship he was emotionally abusive. I believe this was a result of all the anger he had built up inside from these hardships in his life. The way he abused me was scarring - forever hurtful. I feel like I'll never be able to completely shake the way he made me feel about myself. Since then I have always had low self-esteem and self-worth. I have dealt with extreme bouts of depression. I find myself unable to trust men. I am 26 years old and feel that ten years later, I should finally be able to get rid of these feelings. I am currently in a very serious relationship with a man who is so much better than what I deserve. He loves me so much, treats me with so much kindness and respect, and is constantly striving to make me happy. Problem is I find myself treating him the same way that abusive boyfriend I had in high school treated me. I find myself manipulating him and saying horrible things that I know I don't mean but can't control. I know this is going to be the demise of our relationship but I can't seem to control myself. I know it's not fair to completely blame my high school boyfriend for this but I feel that my actions were learned and shaped by this relationship. I guess I am just asking for any advice possible. Has anyone ever heard of someone who was abused themselves and then became the abuser? Or better yet, has anyone ever experienced this themselves? I feel so helpless and I don't want to be this way. I just have so much hurt and so much distrust inside of me I feel like I don't know how to love in a healthy way. Please any advice/insight at all would be so helpful! Link to comment
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